Okay hello personal life update

[sillyprincessmeow]

Well, I've been gone for about a year, things haven't been so bright though. I broke up with Apple again and March of this year, I just finally take it and I found a new boyfriend, I'm gonna call him, Jay, however, before that, during that time, I was pretty much sober, except for smoking every now and then, like smoking weed, And I felt pretty good, besides all of the other things that were happening, I felt happy, especially towards the end of the year when I started talking to Jay. Anyway, when I started dating Jay, it was pretty good, but he would tell me things like "oh I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship" and stuff like that, but it doesn't matter too much because I can understand why he was scared, But we were also smoking like a lot of weed, like it went to the point where we went through a whole zip in a week. We were smoking like four blunts or so, and it was really bad, we we're getting really high and stuff, and once summer night before I left to go back to my home state for a visit, he had choked me and made me pass out and he was really high, and I was like tapping him to get him to stop, but this isn't to say that he hurts me or anything. Low-key I was into that, like I just feel the need to be taken control of, like I just feel the need to be hurt and abused and then to be cared for like moments later, which is really weird, but you know whatever, so I wasn't really mad about him for that, I was just a little uncomfortable as anyone would be because it's just like damn , like he literally just choke me to death, which is kind of scary, but it doesn't really matter. But then he also cheated on me, twice, and it really hurt me because he told me that he wouldn't do that stuff, like I don't understand why he needs to look at other girls when he has me, but you know me and him already talked about this. I guess, it's just a little frustrating, and it makes me feel disgusted, it makes me feel very insecure. And my emotions towards him have changed a little bit, I just don't feel very connected with him as much as I should and it's a little frustrating to say the least. I feel like I'm not good enough now, and it's gonna take a lot for him to make me feel better, but when he does, he does make me feel very good.
To talk about another thing, I feel like I was the problem in my last relationship, like I feel like it was my fault. I feel like it was my fault that you was treating me that way because I was reading all text messages and it appears that he would just say oh "I just want some alone time" but at the same time it's like he would be letting me down because we would make a compromise so that we were both happy, And then he wouldn't follow through with it, he would not follow through with any of the compromises. And I would like cuss him out, and say "I fucking hate you so fucking much, you're a fucking piece of shit, I fucking hate you" and then as soon as he would tell me that he's gonna break up with me I would be like "I'm so sorry. Please don't leave me, I'll be better for you, I'm so sorry that I was like that, I'm really really sorry" And then he wouldn't break up with me, but he would say "the next time you do this I'm breaking up with you" and he never would, so it's like I don't know if he was just doing that because he knows that it gets a reaction out of me and stuff or what. it really just seems like relationship died within the first year, and I was trying to revive something that wasn't there. I don't think I really loved him, I think I might've just loved having someone around. But then it's not like I did, I just felt so alone, and he was really disrespectful anyway.
But for the most part, I really think I wanna make it work with Jay, I see a lot in him, and I really love him, and I think I'll be able to love him more and be happy and stuff.