Help on the fence

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

Hi I'm very new and honestly borderline whether I want to end it I'm 22 and my entire life has been a huge mess I'm so tired of fighting and I'm getting weak only thing that is making hold on is my boyfriend and my special needs brother but I'm miserable I don't know if I'm vetoing help or not now I keep driving my car to the bridge wondering if I should just drive over it or if I should go through with the plan (take a bottle of Tylenol or other blood thinning pain killer get into a very warm bath and then slit my throat and my wrists) only probably with that method is my roommates and boyfriend would be left to clean up the mess and I don't want that guilt idk I'm on the fence really on whether it's time or to try to keep fighting

 

[OkTotti]

Well whatever you decide, don't do the tylenol and slitting option, that won't work and you'll just end up in the hospital and probably the psych ward

 

[lemmeeleev]

Well whatever you decide, don't do the tylenol and slitting option, that won't work and you'll just end up in the hospital and probably the psych ward

Agreed, don't ctb with cutting if you're going to ctb either way. There's lots of other better methods on this forum.

 

[JustAboutDone]

Hello, I agree with OkTotti and lemmmeleev, whatever you do please don't take Tylenol or cut your wrists. Tylenol is a grim way to make an attempt; it causes EXCRUCIATING pain over days as you go into multi organ failure and die a vile death.

Wrist cutting just makes a vile mess.

You sound in such a horrible, unhappy place, I'm so sorry xx

If you are undecided what to do, take lots of time to think about it. Don't rush into anything. That's when you'd make a silly mistake and end up in a worse situation - like with horrid injuries.

What sort of things do you like doing to relax?

 

[C2theN]

I definitely agree with the other answers.

You should really slow down and consider your options from a more rational POV, whether that means living or dying. The only method you mention that might work is the bridge, but if you're considering Tylenol you're probably also misjudging the height of the bridge and your ability to overcome the survival instinct. Jumping requires a much higher fall and a much stronger stomach than most people realize.

A Tylenol OD could cause extremely painful liver damage but won't kill you. Wrist cutting is almost as painful but even less likely to work. 13 Reasons Why used it for exactly this reason; writers don't want to encourage more effective methods. No TV show is going to tell you how to buy barbiturates online.

Like @JustAboutDone, I'm terribly sorry you're in this spot. With the exception of the occasional sociopath, most people come here to learn about suicide methods, but it doesn't have to end that way. Whatever you choose, give yourself time.

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

Well whatever you decide, don't do the tylenol and slitting option, that won't work and you'll just end up in the hospital and probably the psych ward

I'm not going back there I thought maybe if the od doesn't kill me then the combination of hot water to increase blood flow then cutting my neck vein as well as my wrists would at least put enough shocked into my system to end it especially cause I tend to bleed quickly and easily

 

[JustAboutDone]

It's incredibly difficult to cut your neck and wrists. Even with hot water, the blood starts clotting and you will end up with a terrible mess and scarring and a guaranteed trip to a psychiatric ward. A couple of people have asked about cutting on here, have a read through the threads x

 

[SLN1096]

Snap. I'm 22 and feel the same way. The only thing keeping me alive is hope. Hope that things will change. Fingers crossed in a few years I can look back at this time in my life as a time where I wasn't in a good place. Why don't you talk to your boyfriend about how you feel? I know it can be hard to reach out to the ones you love but it might make you feel better. Good luck

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

It's so cold where I live that I figured tho the bridge itself is not high enough on its own if I'm in the car and with the air temps going between 0 degrees and maybe 17 degrees and only going to get colder it should kill me it definitely wouldn't in the summer tho

 

[lemmeeleev]

It's so cold where I live that I figured tho the bridge itself is not high enough on its own if I'm in the car and with the air temps going between 0 degrees and maybe 17 degrees and only going to get colder it should kill me it definitely wouldn't in the summer tho

Won't someone find and save you before then if you jump from a bridge. You'd probably have better luck going someone no one will find you for hours sense it's cold enough where you live.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It's so cold where I live that I figured tho the bridge itself is not high enough on its own if I'm in the car and with the air temps going between 0 degrees and maybe 17 degrees and only going to get colder it should kill me it definitely wouldn't in the summer tho

That's a tricky one. If the bridge isn't high you're talking about drowning which is a comparatively slow, painful and scary way to go. Definitely take some time to really think about this. Have you talked to your boyfriend?

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

I'd have to walk to the bridge and if I go in the dead of night no one should see me because once I'm in the water I'm not visible and where I live shuts down for the most part at night

 

[21Neberg]

I'd have to walk to the bridge and if I go in the dead of night no one should see me because once I'm in the water I'm not visible and where I live shuts down for the most part at night

Check the 'jumping' mega thread. If the bridge is above water, it has to be at least 200 meters tall. If it's above land, it has to be at least 100 meters tall for a guaranteed fast death.

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

That's a tricky one. If the bridge isn't high you're talking about drowning which is a comparatively slow, painful and scary way to go. Definitely take some time to really think about this. Have you talked to your boyfriend?

He isn't afraid to call an ambulance and the way his face falls when he finds out I cut it won't go good he had about 5 friends due by suicide he knows I'm suicidal not that I'm currently or how severely suicidal I am tbh he is pretty much the only reason I'm considering holding on if he wasn't in my life I'd have basically nothing

 

[JustAboutDone]

He isn't afraid to call an ambulance and the way his face falls when he finds out I cut it won't go good he had about 5 friends due by suicide he knows I'm suicidal not that I'm currently or how severely suicidal I am tbh he is pretty much the only reason I'm considering holding on if he wasn't in my life I'd have basically nothing

He clearly cares about you a great deal and I'm glad you have at least one person in your life that's important to you. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. It must be so hard also that he has had so many friends pass as it must be affecting you both xx

Did you say you have a younger brother too?

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

He clearly cares about you a great deal and I'm glad you have at least one person in your life that's important to you. I'm so sorry you are suffering so much. It must be so hard also that he has had so many friends pass as it must be affecting you both xx

Did you say you have a younger brother too?

Yeah he is developmentally disabled and he wouldn't understand why I'm gone he was the only reason why I would come home from the hospital and why I stayed in my abusive house for so long I only left when I failed yet again at killing my self

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

Unfortunately I don't think they are enough anymore I'm so fucking miserable I'm so tired of fighting and holding on against hope things will improve I've been battling depression since my foster parents at the time killed my foster sister in front of my I have never know anything but depression and now not only is there depression but there is also the fact that my body is breaking down and they don't know why I'm sick of it sick of all If it I think about dying all day I've got so many plans I'm honestly at the point that I just need to lesson the impact

 

[JustAboutDone]

Oh sweetheart, you sound like you have had such an awful time, I'm so sorry

Yes, that would be difficult for him, wouldn't it, to grasp what the situation is if you disappeared. You obviously love him very much :-) Do you have any other decent family support?

Don't rush into anything. Whatever you decide to do is best thought through properly.

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

I mean I love him but he abused me every single day and is very violent
I have my birth mom who I was lied about and force to not see her for 16 years and my older brother used to give me shit because I was depressed and hated me and my younger brother I have a sister I have never met many siblings from my sperm donor who I will never know and my adoptive mom who neglected me and abused me all my life and then my dad who would flip on a dial and constantly slept in my bed while I was in heavy medication for sleep problems

 

[JustAboutDone]

Unfortunately I don't think they are enough anymore I'm so fucking miserable I'm so tired of fighting and holding on against hope things will improve I've been battling depression since my foster parents at the time killed my foster sister in front of my I have never know anything but depression and now not only is there depression but there is also the fact that my body is breaking down and they don't know why I'm sick of it sick of all If it I think about dying all day I've got so many plans I'm honestly at the point that I just need to lesson the impact

You have obviously been living under an enormous strain for a long time and that has made you physically ill. Anyone would be the same under the awful circumstances you describe.

The same with the depression - you cannot blame yourself for having depression and being ill when you have been through such an ordeal.

Xxx

 

[Lara Francis]

He isn't afraid to call an ambulance and the way his face falls when he finds out I cut it won't go good he had about 5 friends due by suicide he knows I'm suicidal not that I'm currently or how severely suicidal I am tbh he is pretty much the only reason I'm considering holding on if he wasn't in my life I'd have basically nothing

Hi CazuaIT
Wishing you a warm welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear you are in this situation.
When we are unsure about ctb , i feel that we live half way between life and death which brings more frustrations and insecurity.
I am glad you feel that your boyfriend is a reason to stay and you should hold on to that.
Is he able to offer you support?
Failed attempts are very disappointing i know but please take time to think and if neccesary make more solid and reliable plans to ctb when and if you are only 100% sure.
Hugs to you x

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

My boyfriend is the first person that treated me right and I thought it was enough but I'm back to cutting now cutting when I'm drunk so it's much deeper and last one got very infected but I couldn't tell him I honestly just want to end it I'm sick of pain and sick of just everything I can't stop the flashbacks can't stop the memories or the nightmares I hate being sober and want to be drunk or high at all times only sober for work

 

[JustAboutDone]

My boyfriend is the first person that treated me right and I thought it was enough but I'm back to cutting now cutting when I'm drunk so it's much deeper and last one got very infected but I couldn't tell him I honestly just want to end it I'm sick of pain and sick of just everything I can't stop the flashbacks can't stop the memories or the nightmares I hate being sober and want to be drunk or high at all times only sober for work

I'm not a doctor obviously!! But nightmares and flashbacks are key symptoms of PTSD, you mentioned you had been in hospital, have you had any treatment for that? Xx

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

Honestly he is better off without me I can't do much because I can barely walk and I can't help with chores and I always need reassurance I can't see how I even contribute anymore to the relationship

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

I'm not a doctor obviously!! But nightmares and flashbacks are key symptoms of PTSD, you mentioned you had been in hospital, have you had any treatment for that? Xx

Been in treatment for that for most of my life I got diagnosed very young

 

[JustAboutDone]

Honestly he is better off without me I can't do much because I can barely walk and I can't help with chores and I always need reassurance I can't see how I even contribute anymore to the relationship

That's because you're obviously really unwell right now - depression can be so utterly crippling it's impossible to do the simplest things, even washing and dressing, let alone chores x

 

[JustAboutDone]

Been in treatment for that for most of my life I got diagnosed very young

Are you on any medications that are helpful?

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

Medications never worked I was worse on every one they put me on
Also I got hurt almost 6 months ago I can't use my quad muscle at all on my left side and barely use it on my right side and then my arms sometimes lose so much strength I can't even get up from lying down doctors don't know what's wrong at all tho they may have found a brain tumor I have to wait tho to see if it's acruqlly there or not

 

[JustAboutDone]

I am so so sorry for all your pain, I just cannot imagine it. I hope the doctors can find what's wrong and treat you, then you can move forward with whatever you decide is the best thing for you xx

 

[EmoIsNotAPhase]

I hate life