Online dating is so fucking bad for my self-esteem and makes me really depressive

[noname223]

I am already pretty desperate and lonely. I think I look average. Maybe slightly above average. I am quite skinny. Women told me I was good looking. But not a model look alike.
I have pretty niche interests, I hate going to bars, going outside, I don't like travelling, I don't drink alcohol. I am a shut in. My friends also tried dating platforms and they also failed and and told me it was horrible for their self-esteem.

I simply cannot find a significant other in real life I tend to become paranoid. I am texting with a woman (from a dating platform) since two months who seems to be interested in me but I don't really have an interest in her romantically except if something major happened. She is friendly but I have this disgusting obession about intelligence and education. And our conversations are rather mediocre.

When I click through thes profiles of women I envision a future with this or that girl. But we will never interact with each other anymore. It sucks ass.

 

[derpyderpins]

It's really an awful experience for men (yes, I'm sure it's challenging for women in its own way.)

I know words alone don't help but you really can't consider it a reflection of you. I've said on here I had at least 700+ swipes (don't have data for all the apps I was trying) before my first date. Only 2-4 messages before that, and each of them ghosted me after one message. I'm 6', reasonably good looking, lawyer, etc; had a variety of pictures, including one professionally taken of me playing guitar at an event; had all the interests and everything filled out, and nothing. Even my current partner, the one match, said she hesitated because my pictures weren't great and she says I look so much better in person. Like, I get she's partially joking with me, but you see women on there putting in 0 effort, like a blank profile aside from one poorly lit selfie, and you know they're swarmed with messages, and it's just infuriating.

The point being, it's like it's designed to be discouraging to get you to be miserable and addicted like those old people at casinos. Don't take it personally (as much as possible.)

 

[thenamingofcats]

2 months of texting is way too long for anything serious to develop irl. People that are seriously interested in a future with each other meet in person soon. Nothing wrong with an online relationship though.

 

[noname223]

2 months of texting is way too long for anything serious to develop irl. People that are seriously interested in a future with each other meet in person soon. Nothing wrong with an online relationship though.

That could be true. But I think with my social issues online texting has some advantages for me. Developing a bond before fucking it up by being myself in real life. You know? (lol)

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Well yeah, for men the general guideline is that technology is used to set dates, not for having ongoing dialogues with women - but if it works for you to stay inside then fair enough.

I've wanted to have online-only things with girls before too given my health situation but even that seems to give people the ick. I admit I don't understand what's going on with society now - it's like we all hate each other, and men seem especially expendable and worthless in that equation because we're not naturally coveted the same way women are.

I do think it can be difficult to generate attraction online as a man unless you happen to specifically hit the right notes with someone. And that's why although it's tempting to use devices for dating, it's often a double-edged sword and you will likely find your IRL results are better.

 

[AvwJ]

I do think it can be difficult to generate attraction online as a man unless you happen to specifically hit the right notes with someone. And that's why although it's tempting to use devices for dating, it's often a double-edged sword and you will likely find your IRL results are better.

from a woman who had used dating apps for a couple years (with dates and a couple short-lived relationships but imo, no "success" for anything meaningful), i personally think it's exactly this. i don't envy guys and don't think it's fair at all, but there is no denying it's kind of just expected for guys to be the pursuers and assertive. and you can only make yourself stand out so much from your profile and first message.

but please understand that even though women garner a ridiculously overwhelming amount of attention on apps, most of this attention isn't really desired. half of the guys only message you with a "hey what's up", some only want to fuck, others don't even know anything about you because they are swiping right on every single person cause they're frustrated and/or lazy, and a lot of times, even when you do finally get to conversating, there just isn't really a spark.

unfortunately i think we all have to sift through all the filler until we hopefully click with someone. but it's seriously tiring and demoralizing af, i know.

embarrassingly, my most serious relationships have been with boys i met from online gaming. i'm ridiculously introverted and i guess that counts as my "meeting someone irl or in a hobby", lol. it has worked best for me when i am not actively looking, and i just clicked with someone doing something we both happened to enjoy.

i'm sorry it's been so rough though, and i hope you find someone you click with, who appreciates all the effort you put in

 

[noname223]

2 months of texting is way too long for anything serious to develop irl. People that are seriously interested in a future with each other meet in person soon. Nothing wrong with an online relationship though.

Lol. She just asked me for a date. I am so fucking anxious. I am pretty socially awkward it will be devastating for my self-esteem and self-worth. My social skills deteriorated after my recent acute suicidality.

 

[thenamingofcats]

Lol. She just asked me for a date. I am so fucking anxious. I am pretty socially awkward it will be devastating for my self-esteem and self-worth. My social skills deteriorated after my recent acute suicidality.

That's great she asked you! If you're looking for anything long term, even the possibility of that, let her see the real you. Tell her how nervous you are, make a joke about it irl. Most dates don't turn into anything but she's asking for a date because she wants to see the real you.
Like I'm not saying first impressions don't matter or to be a nervous wreck. But letting yourself be nervous, make mistakes, that is honest.

 

[noname223]

That's great she asked you! If you're looking for anything long term, even the possibility of that, let her see the real you. Tell her how nervous you are, make a joke about it irl. Most dates don't turn into anything but she's asking for a date because she wants to see the real you.
Like I'm not saying first impressions don't matter or to be a nervous wreck. But letting yourself be nervous, make mistakes, that is honest.

Thanks for this advice. I agreed on the date but I also told her that I will be nervous due to the fact a lot of time passed since my last date. The thing with the not being a nervous wreck will be a hard task for me but I will do my best. I even to consider to take a half benzo for it.