StrawberryRed
🌺🌺
- Oct 16, 2024
- 19
It's very hard to only really have yourself to rely on. I mean I have friends and a family, but they cant help me in any tangible way. I dont even think my family would want to help me. Last time j asked for a favor was when I was applying to colleges. My dad refused to pay for the fees, $150. 150 for my future, that's too much (mind u hes an engineer
.) When I was 15 and had chronic back pain it took a year until I saw a doctor. I know how much they value me, which is not at all. I've always been the least favorite, when I was a kid(5-8) my mom would "seperate" me and my brother when we fought. She would put my brother in the living room and she would lock me in her room for the rest of day. I wasnt even allowed out to eat. If I yelled or begged too loud and bothered her she would come in the room and beat me. My first memory of my mother was when I was 5 and she went on a rant about everything she hated about me. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. In any real way I dont have a family. It makes me sad. My siblings are the same way too, especially my younger brother. Hes autistic and picked up on my parents' habits. Berating me and calling me a bitch, throwing things at me, threatening to stab me . Now that I dont live there anymore, separation has made it easy to see how really alone I am. No one can help me, even if I reached out no one would care. Its tiring, and feeds into my suicidal ideation. I have no one to stay for , no one to cry for me. I dont have any long term friendships, as a kid/adolescent I was so insecure and scared I literally wouldnt talk. Even when spoken to, I think I was selectively mute ( not that anyone bothered to get me checked). And last year the friends I did make I distanced from. Its hard to try and recover when theres no one on the other side. I dont know if I even love myself enough to try. Its embarrassing to admit but I would do ANYTHING for a family, people who care and look out for me , people who would give me 150 just for my birthday, listen when I talk. The loneliness kills me
.) When I was 15 and had chronic back pain it took a year until I saw a doctor. I know how much they value me, which is not at all. I've always been the least favorite, when I was a kid(5-8) my mom would "seperate" me and my brother when we fought. She would put my brother in the living room and she would lock me in her room for the rest of day. I wasnt even allowed out to eat. If I yelled or begged too loud and bothered her she would come in the room and beat me. My first memory of my mother was when I was 5 and she went on a rant about everything she hated about me. That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. In any real way I dont have a family. It makes me sad. My siblings are the same way too, especially my younger brother. Hes autistic and picked up on my parents' habits. Berating me and calling me a bitch, throwing things at me, threatening to stab me . Now that I dont live there anymore, separation has made it easy to see how really alone I am. No one can help me, even if I reached out no one would care. Its tiring, and feeds into my suicidal ideation. I have no one to stay for , no one to cry for me. I dont have any long term friendships, as a kid/adolescent I was so insecure and scared I literally wouldnt talk. Even when spoken to, I think I was selectively mute ( not that anyone bothered to get me checked). And last year the friends I did make I distanced from. Its hard to try and recover when theres no one on the other side. I dont know if I even love myself enough to try. Its embarrassing to admit but I would do ANYTHING for a family, people who care and look out for me , people who would give me 150 just for my birthday, listen when I talk. The loneliness kills me
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