Venting Only motivation to get a job...

[citrusrope]

I keep trying to imagine my future... thinking about myself as a person... stuff like that. And the only thing I'm ending up at is that I want a job so maybe I can CTB. The only reasons I cannot ctb right now is because I still live at home, and I don't live alone. But if I could just get a job, maybe then I could afford my own place to attempt..? I would be playing the long game of going to school and going through the motions of life... but still. It would at least give me a choice at all in the end!

I'm feeling real bad tonight y'all. I feel this real bad ache deep in my chest and in my throat like that feeling you get holding back tears. I'm so tired, and exhausted, and my envy is growing so big that I can't handle it. Augh, I am in so much agony and distress. Even typing stuff out like this on here, I'm growing sick of.......

What do I want out of life? What do I have to do to not feel like this? What is wrong with me? I am filled with so much garbage. It is all useless stuff, rotten stuff. Nothing good at all. I am stuffed full of waste. I'm useless.

 

[pretentioussuika]

If you're playing the long game, be sure to fully get a degree, even if it's just an associates (assuming you're both in the US and talking about college). I dropped out at almost 60 credits a decade ago, and it's extremely frustrating to have student loan debts but zero actual benefits from my time spent.

 

[ke9]

I hear you. Totally get the envy thing. Super hard to deal with seeing other people's happiness when feel so down. But you are being honest about how you are feeling, which is good in this space. Most everyone in the world feels this way but won't admit it. Also, as a purely factual matter, you are not useless. Nobody is, though a lot of us share this same feeling.

 

[citrusrope]

If you're playing the long game, be sure to fully get a degree, even if it's just an associates (assuming you're both in the US and talking about college). I dropped out at almost 60 credits a decade ago, and it's extremely frustrating to have student loan debts but zero actual benefits from my time spent.

That's my biggest fear tbh. I feel like I have undiagnosed adhd too, and I feel like I can't get diagnosed for it either so no meds for me. I will just have to go through the process of school somehow...

I hear you. Totally get the envy thing. Super hard to deal with seeing other people's happiness when feel so down. But you are being honest about how you are feeling, which is good in this space. Most everyone in the world feels this way but won't admit it. Also, as a purely factual matter, you are not useless. Nobody is, though a lot of us share this same feeling.

Yes, seeing other people be able to be happy and be normal most of all makes me feel sick in the stomach with envy. Though I am unsure if I agree with the useless bit, I could be gone tomorrow and overall nothing would change at all. I am not some important and loved member of any community or group, most of my friends have let me go, I don't know. I am not important. I am someone who doesn't contribute to society either. I am a sack of meat.

 

[pretentioussuika]

That's my biggest fear tbh. I feel like I have undiagnosed adhd too, and I feel like I can't get diagnosed for it either so no meds for me. I will just have to go through the process somehow...

Yes, seeing other people be able to be happy and be normal most of all makes me feel sick in the stomach with envy. Though I am unsure if I agree with the useless bit, I could be gone tomorrow and overall nothing would change at all. I am not some important and loved member of any community or group, most of my friends have let me go, I don't know. I am not important. I am someone who doesn't contribute to society either. I am a sack of meat.

There are many options for being diagnosed, though the "correct" method is through a psychiatrist, who will first have you attempt all kinds of lifestyle changes to address the issue. After nothing else works, but you still have symptoms that inhibit your life, you can get medicated.

Personally, i can't promise anyone that my attention issues aren't just a byproduct of chronic depression, so i don't think medication will really help me.

 

[citrusrope]

There are many options for being diagnosed, though the "correct" method is through a psychiatrist, who will first have you attempt all kinds of lifestyle changes to address the issue. After nothing else works, but you still have symptoms that inhibit your life, you can get medicated.

Personally, i can't promise anyone that my attention issues aren't just a byproduct of chronic depression, so i don't think medication will really help me.

Yeah, I can't tell if my inability to do anything is my depression, my anxiety, or undiagnosed whatever-the-hell. Though I never got diagnosed for any of what I listed so maybe I'm just a lazy fuck who's a phony using terms like depression and anxiety as an excuse... I feel like a fake.

 

[pretentioussuika]

Yeah, I can't tell if my inability to do anything is my depression, my anxiety, or undiagnosed whatever-the-hell. Though I never got diagnosed for any of what I listed so maybe I'm just a lazy fuck who's a phony using terms like depression and anxiety as an excuse... I feel like a fake.

Mental disorders aren't a science, they're a chaotic soup that we apply science to. There's no way to measure someone's attention span except for what they report, same goes for happiness, satisfaction, stress, etc etc. A diagnosis of a mental condition isn't like testing a blood sample to confirm, it's basically just a doctor saying that you have a problem and nothing has worked up to medication.

 

[ke9]

Yes, seeing other people be able to be happy and be normal most of all makes me feel sick in the stomach with envy. Though I am unsure if I agree with the useless bit, I could be gone tomorrow and overall nothing would change at all. I am not some important and loved member of any community or group, most of my friends have let me go, I don't know. I am not important. I am someone who doesn't contribute to society either. I am a sack of meat.

And yet your contributions here mean something. You've shared your story. Even just this bit about the envy. I at least feel less alone knowing another person struggles with this. Just speaking for myself, you've contributed to my life.

 

[citrusrope]

And yet your contributions here mean something. You've shared your story. Even just this bit about the envy. I at least feel less alone knowing another person struggles with this. Just speaking for myself, you've contributed to my life.

Thank you. I keep saying I should treat myself with neutrality at the very least if I can't be nice to myself but it is hard... Your words were very kind, thank you