PlannedforPeru
SaSu. Lurker
- Sep 21, 2024
- 151
PRELUDE:
I'm unsure if there is a more suitable place to post this so needless to say I am open to suggestions on where a better place to post is. This thread will just consist of posts from my journal when I was in Therapy so a lot of what I wrote when it refers to "you" is the therapist.
I'm not entirely sure why I feel the need to get this out there, whether it's to be seen or in hopes of those reading to feel less alone in their struggles. The content ahead is quite despairing so if you frequent the recovery section I'd recommend possibly not reading this thread. All the content was planned to be deleted or locked away from anyone else once I CTB but I've found so much compassion here from this community that I felt obligated to give something back, this is my fucked-up way of doing it I suppose.
Lastly, this is over the span of a few years, themes are recurring (so might get repetitive), and the bananas was how I separated entries. I realize a lot of the content here makes me look unlikeable, but I wanted it to be as raw and unedited as possible. In my opinion, I sound pretty narcissistic in some of this writing.
Edit: Will split into different posts when the timer allows.
JOURNAL:
Go to school? Okay. Get a job? Okay. Get on meds? Okay. Maintain and consciously be a better friend/family member? Okay. Try hobbies? Okay. Fix your sleep routine? Okay. Spend more time with loved ones? Okay. Go to therapy? Okay. Cut out unhealthy habits? Okay. Could I eat even better? Yes. Could I exercise more? Yes. Could I socialize more? Yes. Could I get more sunlight? Yes. Could I get a better job? Yes. Could I spend even more time with loved ones? Yes. I'm sorry I'm not an Olympic level athlete Nobel laureate but that doesn't seem to gatekeep most others from being content. At what point is my unhappiness considered valid and not a byproduct of not doing enough? At what point is my mind deemed sound enough to have suicidal ideation be seen as a rational option for my circumstances? If I choose to live an entire life, to my deathbed having carried the belief even after seeing the alternative to the end that suicide was still the best solution would my entire stance no matter the support be disregarded because it doesn't adhere to the status quo? I ask because I see this in people, you believe this is emotional, impulsive, a train of thought turned belief system stemming from a mental illness. If that's so, should the mentally ill's solutions (which are an adaption to their realities) be unworthy of consideration? I'm trusted to drive a car, I'm trusted to buy a gun, I'm trusted in my vote, I'm trusted with plenty of other responsibilities in life and in those my opinions are treated as equal, but my beliefs in autonomy are held with less regard? I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense, it should be viewed as differing for sure but not a stance negated with the justification that it was 'clouded by mental illness'. This ties into a lot of medical, philosophical, cultural, and ethical concepts that I'm certainly not the person to do the unraveling.
I lied last week, nothing didn't go on, my dog died and started carpooling to and from with a coworker. May be a lot to some and a little to others but the point is that my life is not unchanging, but my feelings are, and that's what matters to me. I can go for an out of state road trip, go on a date, get made fun of by a widely famous comedian and receive praise from a sizable business's chief execs but it doesn't make me feel like less shit. And I say this because it HAS happened within a short span of time I might add. I'm not saying these things to brag but to emphasize the claim that my discontentment is not a result of my supposed stagnation or monotonous routine. I genuinely believe it's either something I've not found yet or my neurobiology, which I'm heavily leaning towards the latter. Disregarding every experience and its lack of influence on my personal fulfillment up to this point would just be naive. Seems logical to me at least to conclude that the common factor here being myself, is the source of my emotional dissatisfaction not me lacking whatever is around the next corner.
There's this notion that you are somewhat responsible if not entirely responsible for your situation. There's this shared sentiment that we underestimate luck and overestimate the influence of personal agency. I understand why it's so, from a pessimistic standpoint the masses want you to contribute to a system in which they thrive in and were successfully able to form their own sort of meaning in even if it wasn't consciously. From an optimistic standpoint, you don't want to nip a bud from what could've been, discouraging someone who would've otherwise realized their potential.
I like to believe that I take a very balanced perspective on things alongside every other being on earth. As someone who has first handedly experienced my own life (knows the patterns and intricacies unaware to most) and has determined that suicide is the best solution to my problems, who else would have authority to better make that judgement?
I'm the insane one when the majority seems content with not ever taking into consideration that things can just as equally get worse instead of better. Even going as far as to disregard evidence in support of that prediction. The first of which is the opportunity for this supposed future goodness, literally diminishes by the day. Why, for someone who wishes it, is death bad? If it prevents any future potential happiness, then I just solved a problem living created, the desire for satisfaction/pleasure.
I'm unsure if there is a more suitable place to post this so needless to say I am open to suggestions on where a better place to post is. This thread will just consist of posts from my journal when I was in Therapy so a lot of what I wrote when it refers to "you" is the therapist.
I'm not entirely sure why I feel the need to get this out there, whether it's to be seen or in hopes of those reading to feel less alone in their struggles. The content ahead is quite despairing so if you frequent the recovery section I'd recommend possibly not reading this thread. All the content was planned to be deleted or locked away from anyone else once I CTB but I've found so much compassion here from this community that I felt obligated to give something back, this is my fucked-up way of doing it I suppose.
Lastly, this is over the span of a few years, themes are recurring (so might get repetitive), and the bananas was how I separated entries. I realize a lot of the content here makes me look unlikeable, but I wanted it to be as raw and unedited as possible. In my opinion, I sound pretty narcissistic in some of this writing.
Edit: Will split into different posts when the timer allows.
JOURNAL:
Go to school? Okay. Get a job? Okay. Get on meds? Okay. Maintain and consciously be a better friend/family member? Okay. Try hobbies? Okay. Fix your sleep routine? Okay. Spend more time with loved ones? Okay. Go to therapy? Okay. Cut out unhealthy habits? Okay. Could I eat even better? Yes. Could I exercise more? Yes. Could I socialize more? Yes. Could I get more sunlight? Yes. Could I get a better job? Yes. Could I spend even more time with loved ones? Yes. I'm sorry I'm not an Olympic level athlete Nobel laureate but that doesn't seem to gatekeep most others from being content. At what point is my unhappiness considered valid and not a byproduct of not doing enough? At what point is my mind deemed sound enough to have suicidal ideation be seen as a rational option for my circumstances? If I choose to live an entire life, to my deathbed having carried the belief even after seeing the alternative to the end that suicide was still the best solution would my entire stance no matter the support be disregarded because it doesn't adhere to the status quo? I ask because I see this in people, you believe this is emotional, impulsive, a train of thought turned belief system stemming from a mental illness. If that's so, should the mentally ill's solutions (which are an adaption to their realities) be unworthy of consideration? I'm trusted to drive a car, I'm trusted to buy a gun, I'm trusted in my vote, I'm trusted with plenty of other responsibilities in life and in those my opinions are treated as equal, but my beliefs in autonomy are held with less regard? I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense, it should be viewed as differing for sure but not a stance negated with the justification that it was 'clouded by mental illness'. This ties into a lot of medical, philosophical, cultural, and ethical concepts that I'm certainly not the person to do the unraveling.
I lied last week, nothing didn't go on, my dog died and started carpooling to and from with a coworker. May be a lot to some and a little to others but the point is that my life is not unchanging, but my feelings are, and that's what matters to me. I can go for an out of state road trip, go on a date, get made fun of by a widely famous comedian and receive praise from a sizable business's chief execs but it doesn't make me feel like less shit. And I say this because it HAS happened within a short span of time I might add. I'm not saying these things to brag but to emphasize the claim that my discontentment is not a result of my supposed stagnation or monotonous routine. I genuinely believe it's either something I've not found yet or my neurobiology, which I'm heavily leaning towards the latter. Disregarding every experience and its lack of influence on my personal fulfillment up to this point would just be naive. Seems logical to me at least to conclude that the common factor here being myself, is the source of my emotional dissatisfaction not me lacking whatever is around the next corner.
There's this notion that you are somewhat responsible if not entirely responsible for your situation. There's this shared sentiment that we underestimate luck and overestimate the influence of personal agency. I understand why it's so, from a pessimistic standpoint the masses want you to contribute to a system in which they thrive in and were successfully able to form their own sort of meaning in even if it wasn't consciously. From an optimistic standpoint, you don't want to nip a bud from what could've been, discouraging someone who would've otherwise realized their potential.
I like to believe that I take a very balanced perspective on things alongside every other being on earth. As someone who has first handedly experienced my own life (knows the patterns and intricacies unaware to most) and has determined that suicide is the best solution to my problems, who else would have authority to better make that judgement?
I'm the insane one when the majority seems content with not ever taking into consideration that things can just as equally get worse instead of better. Even going as far as to disregard evidence in support of that prediction. The first of which is the opportunity for this supposed future goodness, literally diminishes by the day. Why, for someone who wishes it, is death bad? If it prevents any future potential happiness, then I just solved a problem living created, the desire for satisfaction/pleasure.
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