I was just released of the last clinic and I am still suicidal. Of course. I cannot work and college is a torture hell. I am way too ill for college. It triggers me so fucking much. I told my psychiatrist if I have to return to college I might kill myself. I cannot bear this much longer. At the same time if I quit college my last chance to avoid poverty is gone. And I will be suicidal too. I told her that and she wants me to go to another clinic. We talked about the different ways to go. And we both came to the conclusion I am too ill for work. She thinks it is better for me to be on welfare. I told her I think welfare is not enough money and that my family pressures me how horrible welfare is. She wanted to take some of my sorrows and pretended it is not that bad. And told me she thinks my family has to stop fearmongering about welfare.
Honestly, I think if I am for the rest of my life on welfare I kill myself when my parents die. The amount of money is too low and my life quality is already shit. There is extra NEET money in Germany for special cases someone in this forum told me that and I try to apply for it. I am not sure what to tell them exactly. The member is not active anymore. I think people receive it when they are not independent enough. Honestly, my mom does everything for me. I have already given up and would kill myself immediately if she dies. I consider to tell this to the person who decides whether we get that money. I am not sure whether it is smart to say that in general or in front of my mom but it is the god damn truth. I hope we will get that money.
I think quitting college could kill me. I cannot stand being such a loser. I have very good marks but I ran out of resilience. I deteriorated so much. My parents still want me to return to college. And I cannot stand this external pressure to disappoint them. Honestly, this is what makes me acute suicidal the most. The pressure of my family. I already stopped talking with my grandma because of that. She does not understand mental illnesses. My goal is that my family stops making me this pressure. And then to decide. Honestly, I am not able to pull off the bachelor. I heard the requirments and with my health that's close to fully impossible.
I just want to distract myself because I don't have a future. I consider to kill myself in October. I am on two dating apps and I barely get matches. I am not sure why. Am I this ugly? I don't think so. But I am not interested in going out, going to bars, I am a shut in that does not drink alcohol with niche interests. I think or hope this is the reason. I text with a woman since two months but I am simply not interested in her. I have another crush on a woman in my self-help group but that's just another love delusion. I am so fucked beyond repair. I cope by buying cheap garbage on Chinese market places. Not all of it is garbage but I had some unluck. It is still better for my pocket than Amazon.
The best thing is I read The Brook in the System by David Foster Wallace. He wrote it at Amherst college and it was his "suicide note". I think this is what they said in his biography. This book really gives me chills. Afterwards I will read Infinite Jest (1500 pages). And then I am ready to kill myself. Lol. No seriously these two books are on my bucket list but actually I wish to find true romantic love too before I ctb. But I might never achieve that.
Honestly, I think if I am for the rest of my life on welfare I kill myself when my parents die. The amount of money is too low and my life quality is already shit. There is extra NEET money in Germany for special cases someone in this forum told me that and I try to apply for it. I am not sure what to tell them exactly. The member is not active anymore. I think people receive it when they are not independent enough. Honestly, my mom does everything for me. I have already given up and would kill myself immediately if she dies. I consider to tell this to the person who decides whether we get that money. I am not sure whether it is smart to say that in general or in front of my mom but it is the god damn truth. I hope we will get that money.
I think quitting college could kill me. I cannot stand being such a loser. I have very good marks but I ran out of resilience. I deteriorated so much. My parents still want me to return to college. And I cannot stand this external pressure to disappoint them. Honestly, this is what makes me acute suicidal the most. The pressure of my family. I already stopped talking with my grandma because of that. She does not understand mental illnesses. My goal is that my family stops making me this pressure. And then to decide. Honestly, I am not able to pull off the bachelor. I heard the requirments and with my health that's close to fully impossible.
I just want to distract myself because I don't have a future. I consider to kill myself in October. I am on two dating apps and I barely get matches. I am not sure why. Am I this ugly? I don't think so. But I am not interested in going out, going to bars, I am a shut in that does not drink alcohol with niche interests. I think or hope this is the reason. I text with a woman since two months but I am simply not interested in her. I have another crush on a woman in my self-help group but that's just another love delusion. I am so fucked beyond repair. I cope by buying cheap garbage on Chinese market places. Not all of it is garbage but I had some unluck. It is still better for my pocket than Amazon.
The best thing is I read The Brook in the System by David Foster Wallace. He wrote it at Amherst college and it was his "suicide note". I think this is what they said in his biography. This book really gives me chills. Afterwards I will read Infinite Jest (1500 pages). And then I am ready to kill myself. Lol. No seriously these two books are on my bucket list but actually I wish to find true romantic love too before I ctb. But I might never achieve that.
