Discussion Other thoughts on ctb

[triedandtired]

Hi everyone. I've lurked on here for a little bit, but this is my first time posting. I've been trying to ctb on and off for about 11 years, having issues with depression, and possibly having some kind of personality disorder. Recently I've had a lot of mental upset whilst dating a guy I've liked, and unfortunately he ended things because I wasn't out to my family. He was kind and respectful during it, wanted to stay friends but also respecting my requests for space. He's been nothing but kind, and I've tried to make sure he understands that I appreciate that. But sometimes, I just wish he was an asshole, just to make the pain feel more justified. Obviously there's more at play, but this is what made me realise nothing would ever change, and my only route out is to ctb.

I've taken some time to research and I know I could get SN. However, every time I've tried, things have held me back. I guess SI, but I just wanted to discuss these, and see if anyone else felt this way.

1) I'm sure it's common to consider guilt, about the impact ctb can have around us. I know it's not true for every person, but it's something I find tricky, having eternally tried to please people. It's also tricky in my position, as I'm in a role where I have to take care of people. I don't want to let people down, but I'm just so tired.

2) Do people ever wish their life was like a movie, that at the moment they ctb or just before, things somehow turn around, and it all gets better? I know better, but it's just wistful thinking at times.

3) I don't want to die alone. I don't really want to look for an online or offline partner, I don't think I want to die with someone. But I just wouldn't want to die completely by myself, without hearing someone's voice or their presence at least as a comfort.

4) The legal and moral worries of ordering SN. I think that's hopefully self explanatory.

5) If something goes wrong, and I survive but I'm permanently affected negatively as a result - I would have put that completely on myself.

6) I guess the final thing, is can you both want to ctb and still want to live at times? I can't see any hope to keep going, but dying can be so scary at times. It's just hard to reconcile.

I apologise if my thoughts are messy, and I'm not looking for answers but just needed to get my thoughts out there and would appreciate anyone else's thoughts on this.

 

[human909]

I guess the final thing, is can you both want to ctb and still want to live at times?

I know that feeling since it happens sometimes to me, i have no idea what to do with feeling when it comes up.

 

[cyclicism]

1) I'm sure it's common to consider guilt, about the impact ctb can have around us.

I most definitely share this. All I know is that if I ever ctb, I'm going to do the best I can to set things up for the people I'm leaving behind (and it will also serve as the final nails in the coffin that, yes, it's happening).

5) If something goes wrong, and I survive but I'm permanently affected negatively as a result - I would have put that completely on myself.

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean by this (specifially 'I would have put that completely on myself). Either way, I completely understand the fear of a failed attempt. Forced to continue living, now with more problems than before? It's terrifying.

6) I guess the final thing, is can you both want to ctb and still want to live at times? I can't see any hope to keep going, but dying can be so scary at times. It's just hard to reconcile.

Most definitely. Being suicidal is not always at a constant 100. Personally, my life is a cycle of really bad downs, and o.k. ups. Sometimes I feel the distant urge to ctb at all points in the cycle. Sometimes I'm at a low where I desire nothing, not even to ctb - it's just too much effort. And other times I feel good enough to mourn the fact that I ever considered ctbing at all.

Also I like the way you structured the post, idk the way it's organized is very pleasing to me - fun to reply to :)

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Welcome and I deeply appreciate your interest in sn and using that as your method and reasoning behind why you chose this, and for what I can say regarding how you feel about your boyfriend or who you consider your partner, it's completely valid to not want anything out of it, either, if you have been dealing with ctbing for years and needing to be alive for him and to exist to be alive for others.

That's where the hard part usually comes in because people often resonate with themselves over a sense a guilt from needing to live for whatever reason to justify the needs of someone else who they assume — even in their own presumed circle — would need all their space and energy to make amends for them to be alive to keep everyone happy and make everything livelier, and you aren't wrong for needing to leave out of that delusion if it is hurting you.

You often mentioned the feelings you felt equally describing it as guilt, regret, need, fear, want, and a memory that feels forgotten or dream through the lenses of crafted emotional devices which people have on their mind and you are bottling a lot of thought into where you are choosing to direct your conscious efforts and the feeling of a timeline of things at stake for you that you feel like it's something that could potentially be temporary or a temporary feeling not made for you and this is what happens when you analyze and project the idea on your emotions a lot because needing time and feeling an emotion is a very real factor of indicating isolation, loneliness, and pain, and something tells me you were alone for a long time for you to equally part with the idea of wondering to add if suicide with another was normal, even to not want to come to that conclusion for yourself out of self respect, which is something people do when they have gone through most pain they self isolate and sty their distance, and I don't know if this answers your question, but this is the most perfectly descriptive summary of wanting and needing ctb equally in that battle for your own self and don't worry and don't stress, but please consider how you feel and continue finding closure in your ctb and your self and don't allow the idea to consume you but rather embrace and embark you on an adventure and a scenery of hope of peace when you do do it and don't allow yourself to be afraid of being alive afterwards as the fear is all too normal sadly for many, but give yourself room to not give up and to grow if you must

 

[danny10]

Hi everyone. I've lurked on here for a little bit, but this is my first time posting. I've been trying to ctb on and off for about 11 years, having issues with depression, and possibly having some kind of personality disorder. Recently I've had a lot of mental upset whilst dating a guy I've liked, and unfortunately he ended things because I wasn't out to my family. He was kind and respectful during it, wanted to stay friends but also respecting my requests for space. He's been nothing but kind, and I've tried to make sure he understands that I appreciate that. But sometimes, I just wish he was an asshole, just to make the pain feel more justified. Obviously there's more at play, but this is what made me realise nothing would ever change, and my only route out is to ctb.

I've taken some time to research and I know I could get SN. However, every time I've tried, things have held me back. I guess SI, but I just wanted to discuss these, and see if anyone else felt this way.

1) I'm sure it's common to consider guilt, about the impact ctb can have around us. I know it's not true for every person, but it's something I find tricky, having eternally tried to please people. It's also tricky in my position, as I'm in a role where I have to take care of people. I don't want to let people down, but I'm just so tired.

2) Do people ever wish their life was like a movie, that at the moment they ctb or just before, things somehow turn around, and it all gets better? I know better, but it's just wistful thinking at times.

3) I don't want to die alone. I don't really want to look for an online or offline partner, I don't think I want to die with someone. But I just wouldn't want to die completely by myself, without hearing someone's voice or their presence at least as a comfort.

4) The legal and moral worries of ordering SN. I think that's hopefully self explanatory.

5) If something goes wrong, and I survive but I'm permanently affected negatively as a result - I would have put that completely on myself.

6) I guess the final thing, is can you both want to ctb and still want to live at times? I can't see any hope to keep going, but dying can be so scary at times. It's just hard to reconcile.

I apologise if my thoughts are messy, and I'm not looking for answers but just needed to get my thoughts out there and would appreciate anyone else's thoughts on this.

Hi triedandtired! I wanted to reply as I feel pretty much the same as you.

1. I also feel guilty that I want to CTB. I have a 1 year old daughter, a loving wife, mother and father. It would be devastating for them to cope with my death. I not only feel guilty but I am also ashamed of myself for wanting to CTB.

2. Yes, there is always hope. But unfortunately our lives are not as in the movies. I learned it the hard way. It seems that my depression is getting worse and worse as I grow older and older.

3. I don't want to die alone either. I share your thoughts. When my time comes, I will be posting to the partners megathread to look for someone to die with.

4. In my country, there is no legal worries of getting SN.

5. I am also afraid of failing my CTB. Once I really set my mind on it, I really want it to work out. I feel that destroying ourselves is a lot harder thank I thought it would be.

6. Dying will always be scary. It doesn't matter if you die now or when you're 90. Dying is always a scary experience but eventully everyone will go.

 

[triedandtired]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond. All your thoughts and perspectives geniunely are really appreciated, and it does make me feel less alone to know people share some of these thoughts. Wishing peace to you all.

 

[Daxter777]

Hi everyone. I've lurked on here for a little bit, but this is my first time posting. I've been trying to ctb on and off for about 11 years, having issues with depression, and possibly having some kind of personality disorder. Recently I've had a lot of mental upset whilst dating a guy I've liked, and unfortunately he ended things because I wasn't out to my family. He was kind and respectful during it, wanted to stay friends but also respecting my requests for space. He's been nothing but kind, and I've tried to make sure he understands that I appreciate that. But sometimes, I just wish he was an asshole, just to make the pain feel more justified. Obviously there's more at play, but this is what made me realise nothing would ever change, and my only route out is to ctb.

I've taken some time to research and I know I could get SN. However, every time I've tried, things have held me back. I guess SI, but I just wanted to discuss these, and see if anyone else felt this way.

1) I'm sure it's common to consider guilt, about the impact ctb can have around us. I know it's not true for every person, but it's something I find tricky, having eternally tried to please people. It's also tricky in my position, as I'm in a role where I have to take care of people. I don't want to let people down, but I'm just so tired.

2) Do people ever wish their life was like a movie, that at the moment they ctb or just before, things somehow turn around, and it all gets better? I know better, but it's just wistful thinking at times.

3) I don't want to die alone. I don't really want to look for an online or offline partner, I don't think I want to die with someone. But I just wouldn't want to die completely by myself, without hearing someone's voice or their presence at least as a comfort.

4) The legal and moral worries of ordering SN. I think that's hopefully self explanatory.

5) If something goes wrong, and I survive but I'm permanently affected negatively as a result - I would have put that completely on myself.

6) I guess the final thing, is can you both want to ctb and still want to live at times? I can't see any hope to keep going, but dying can be so scary at times. It's just hard to reconcile.

I apologise if my thoughts are messy, and I'm not looking for answers but just needed to get my thoughts out there and would appreciate anyone else's thoughts on this.

1. I feel guilt toward my mom, and maybe my gran. Me and my mom use to be very vlose when I grew up and hurting her with my suicide feels wrong. But i also don't want to keep suffering with my mental illnesses so im on the fence usually.

2.no i don't wish it wad like a movie, i usually am either content or suicidal. I fo wish to win the lottery though. That way i would have less worries. Id still be suicidal though.

3.i haven't really thought of dying alone or not but I do suppose having someone there in my last moments would be comforting.

4.SN is legal in my country so I'm not worried.

5.i doubt something would go wrong, it looks like recovering isn't that bad in regards to SN.

6.and yes you can want to CTB and live. I personaly feel that way my self. There are things I would love to experience but also I am tired of suffering.

 

[sad.lgbtq]

The section:
" I don't want to die alone. I don't really want to look for an online or offline partner, I don't think I want to die with someone. But I just wouldn't want to die completely by myself, without hearing someone's voice or their presence at least as a comfort."

Is too damn relatable. As someone who has had someone physically there for an attempt and also on voice call, I can say it helps. I just wish I had that again, for this time. I pushed them away when I was in recovery/thought I'd get better :( .

I'm sorry your going through this! I hope you find what your looking for !