Venting Overcoming the guilt of leaving ur family behind…

[itsalittlecold]

I messed up the other week, I've spent a long time 'prepping' my brother and sister, trying to desensitise them to my death.
I got hold of SN, I decided to be noble & speak with my sister. As understanding as she is, I guess it's natural for her to do anything possible to 'save' me. We lost our parents at a very young age and I know them losing me too is going to break them anyway, so I decided to let my sister ring people and it resulted in me going to a mental health ward. Nothing has helped, they started me on new medication & now I feel in limbo again.. I suppose deep down, I've allowed it to go this way, so I can prove to them I really did try everything and hopefully now, they won't blame themselves.

How do people get over that guilt?

I got told I have adhd & bpd, adhd I knew I had. Bpd has opened my eyes a little and it's made me more certain than ever that I ain't fixable. I'm always going to ruin friendships and relationships, I'm always going to shut down and make myself believe I'm worthless.

All I wanted was a life with an understanding partner & family, I'm 29yr now and I've lost absolutely everything more than once, due to my brain. I don't even know what I do wrong half the time, I just know I'll always push away

I told my sister this time, they will be no warning as it puts to much responsibility on them. My plan now is to do it on the day of my birthday, in a month. That way, they only get reminded of me once a year.

Not even sure why I posted this, I guess I just needed to vent to someone.

 

[Kore]

I feel your pain, the only reason i'm still here is I also have zero idea how to face the guilt and shame of breaking the hearts of your family. I have no advice to give you, guess i'm just letting you know someone relates.

Some people say that you should remind yourself once you're gone, you won't even know what your family goes through. It won't matter anyway. But that isn't enough for me. :(

 

[acey]

Very much relating to OP and Kore. I also don't want to leave my parents childless, with no legacy.
I know there are many anti natalists here, but I am not one and I think my parents did the best they could and even better probably, I feel really bad for being so broken.
Lately I've been trying to think how to make it look like an accident, but it's difficult without many risks, as expected

 

[mythofsisyphus]

I'm not sure you ever do get over the guilt. For me, my pain doesn't remove my love and care for my family - it will always be there. This is what makes feeling the way we do so suffocating, because no matter what we do, there's intense emotions and pain attached to either option. It sucks, but I'm not sure there's any way of avoiding it.

I wonder if when we're in a place where we're wanting to get over the guilt, to make it go away, it's a sign our pain hasn't quite tipped the balance yet, that maybe our love for our family and care for them is slightly stronger than the suffering we're enduring, because we can't quite bring ourselves to face the pain we might cause them. Maybe it reaches a point where despite the guilt, the pain and suffering overpowers it. Where we can face the guilt head on and accept it for what it is, knowing that despite it, we need to do what we need to do. For me, this would be a sign I've reached the point where my decision is more certain.

Maybe right now, our fear of the guilt is something we should be listening to, maybe it's a sign we're not making the right choice? I don't know, maybe I'm chatting a load of shit, but just my thoughts.

 

[Kore]

Very much relating to OP and Kore. I also don't want to leave my parents childless, with no legacy.
I know there are many anti natalists here, but I am not one and I think my parents did the best they could and even better probably, I feel really bad for being so broken.
Lately I've been trying to think how to make it look like an accident, but it's difficult without many risks, as expected

This is another 'problem' for me. I am the last of my line lmao. Idk how much that means these days, but it means something. My father has 2 sisters, and I am his only son - if I die, his line ends. As I said, not as big a deal now adays as it was in past times, but... its still hard to think about. Im already letting my dad and family down by not wanting to have kids myself, least I could do as stay alive till he's gone.

I don't want my dad to have to outlive his child. Idk if i'll ever find a way to deal with it, so for now, i think im sticking around. Though some days its harder to say that. Today for example, i'm longing for the deep sleep.

 

[itsalittlecold]

I feel your pain, the only reason i'm still here is I also have zero idea how to face the guilt and shame of breaking the hearts of your family. I have no advice to give you, guess i'm just letting you know someone relates.

Some people say that you should remind yourself once you're gone, you won't even know what your family goes through. It won't matter anyway. But that isn't enough for me. :(

I feel the same way. I guess maybe this is a form of SI… I honestly don't understand how our minds can convince us of one thing, then throw a spanner in the works, whilst simultaneously making itself feel nothing is worth it anyway.

I'm not sure you ever do get over the guilt. For me, my pain doesn't remove my love and care for my family - it will always be there. This is what makes feeling the way we do so suffocating, because no matter what we do, there's intense emotions and pain attached to either option. It sucks, but I'm not sure there's any way of avoiding it.

I wonder if when we're in a place where we're wanting to get over the guilt, to make it go away, it's a sign our pain hasn't quite tipped the balance yet, that maybe our love for our family and care for them is slightly stronger than the suffering we're enduring, because we can't quite bring ourselves to face the pain we might cause them. Maybe it reaches a point where despite the guilt, the pain and suffering overpowers it. Where we can face the guilt head on and accept it for what it is, knowing that despite it, we need to do what we need to do. For me, this would be a sign I've reached the point where my decision is more certain.

Maybe right now, our fear of the guilt is something we should be listening to, maybe it's a sign we're not making the right choice? I don't know, maybe I'm chatting a load of shit, but just my thoughts.

Yeah I'm thinking it's another SI, maybe because we understand the pain and hurt so deeply, we don't want to be the contributing factor of our loved ones feeling as we did. We may accept our fate in ctb, but for some even in the worst circumstances will never understand the wanting to ctb… I think it should be pro-choice, no one should be made to suffer everyday without a miracle cure. However that been said, I don't think I'd ever come to terms with my bro or sis wanting to ctb. That'd break me in ways I'd never thought possible. Our mind is powerful, but yet weird.

I don't think it's a sign of not making the right choice, because no matter the love or support I receive from my siblings, it doesn't change how I feel on a day to day basis, my mind literally fantasises over ctb, I fluctuate from intense feelings of worthlessness to been a failure. I've never wronged anyone in life, I pushed them away before I could. But my conscious will always call for me to ctb… it's got to a point I won't even try anything anymore, cause no matter how good it turns out for me, I will mess up and I will be left in the same situation feeling the same all over again.

 

[Daryl72]

Can also relate to how you say you don't even know how you do wrong, it's just our brains never allow us to fully understand why or how we keep messing up. At least that's for some of us.

 

[dinosavr]

Yeah, we gotta do what we gotta do when others are not even trying to understand the idea of killing yourself. And of course they will be devastated but no one would blame you if you died from cancer, right?? Then why do they judge you despite your bpd? Don't they get it that they have no voice in this situation?

 

[itsalittlecold]

Can also relate to how you say you don't even know how you do wrong, it's just our brains never allow us to fully understand why or how we keep messing up. At least that's for some of us.

Yep & at the same time it's like watching ourselves act from a 3rd person view… I'm very fascinated by the conscious

Yeah, we gotta do what we gotta do when others are not even trying to understand the idea of killing yourself. And of course they will be devastated but no one would blame you if you died from cancer, right?? Then why do they judge you despite your bpd? Don't they get it that they have no voice in this situation?

Exactly! I have literally tried every route for help, self help, every method I've vigorously researched to try 'fix' myself. It turns out the problem is needing to conform with society, Atleast for me that is and I refuse too.
My family are very understanding, I spose it's nice for me to know that they don't understand. I'm glad they haven't been made to feel like ctb is the best way

 

[aslank98]

It's one of the few things holding me back. On the one hand I absolutely hate my parents for having me, but I just can't give up and basically transfer the suffering to them.

There was a video posted here recently about a russian teenager who streamed his suicide on discord.

His dad came in and discovered his lifeless body and was screaming. Watching that killed me inside because I just know my parents would react in a similar way.

It's never going to be easy. I think even when we have nobody it's still difficult to overcome the SI.

God I fucking hate being stuck like this, absolutely ridiculous.

When I start planning my suicide I feel so sure about it, I tell myself that my family will be in pain and suffer but eventually they'll let me go and understand.

But then as the day nears closer to actual action, I panic, I start feeling emotional and I feel a lot of guilt. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it. I have my method, but actually going through with it seems almost impossible.


One day though we will be free.

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

I am certain the only reason I am still here is to save the family from the heartbreak. It gets harder every day to stop thinking about ctb. I feel like I am just going to explode.

 

[itsalittlecold]

It's one of the few things holding me back. On the one hand I absolutely hate my parents for having me, but I just can't give up and basically transfer the suffering to them.

There was a video posted here recently about a russian teenager who streamed his suicide on discord.

His dad came in and discovered his lifeless body and was screaming. Watching that killed me inside because I just know my parents would react in a similar way.

It's never going to be easy. I think even when we have nobody it's still difficult to overcome the SI.

God I fucking hate being stuck like this, absolutely ridiculous.

When I start planning my suicide I feel so sure about it, I tell myself that my family will be in pain and suffer but eventually they'll let me go and understand.

But then as the day nears closer to actual action, I panic, I start feeling emotional and I feel a lot of guilt. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it. I have my method, but actually going through with it seems almost impossible.


One day though we will be free.

Yep it seems a si in itself.. I've tried so many different ways to get it across to them and accepting it's the only way I can find my peace.
It is just crazy isn't it, even with the means to end the viscous circle of life, we find ourselves trapped in the circle of guilt.

As you say, one day we will be free

I am certain the only reason I am still here is to save the family from the heartbreak. It gets harder every day to stop thinking about ctb. I feel like I am just going to explode.

Exactly the same here, I wish I had some answers to how to feel better

 

[Living_Hurts_so_Much]

Yep it seems a si in itself.. I've tried so many different ways to get it across to them and accepting it's the only way I can find my peace.
It is just crazy isn't it, even with the means to end the viscous circle of life, we find ourselves trapped in the circle of guilt.

As you say, one day we will be free

Exactly the same here, I wish I had some answers to how to feel better

Thanks brother. I wish I had all the answers too

 

[justaperfectday]

I messed up the other week, I've spent a long time 'prepping' my brother and sister, trying to desensitise them to my death.
I got hold of SN, I decided to be noble & speak with my sister. As understanding as she is, I guess it's natural for her to do anything possible to 'save' me. We lost our parents at a very young age and I know them losing me too is going to break them anyway, so I decided to let my sister ring people and it resulted in me going to a mental health ward. Nothing has helped, they started me on new medication & now I feel in limbo again.. I suppose deep down, I've allowed it to go this way, so I can prove to them I really did try everything and hopefully now, they won't blame themselves.

How do people get over that guilt?

I got told I have adhd & bpd, adhd I knew I had. Bpd has opened my eyes a little and it's made me more certain than ever that I ain't fixable. I'm always going to ruin friendships and relationships, I'm always going to shut down and make myself believe I'm worthless.

All I wanted was a life with an understanding partner & family, I'm 29yr now and I've lost absolutely everything more than once, due to my brain. I don't even know what I do wrong half the time, I just know I'll always push away

I told my sister this time, they will be no warning as it puts to much responsibility on them. My plan now is to do it on the day of my birthday, in a month. That way, they only get reminded of me once a year.

Not even sure why I posted this, I guess I just needed to vent to someone.

I am also trying to reconcile the damage my departure will cause to my loved ones.

Last month dreamt that I had a shotgun in my mouth and was telling my mother I needed her to be ok with me killing myself. That I needed her to understand how badly I need to leave, so much so that it's eclipsed the stake they've grounded me to.

Idk. Still too scared to do it. Though I bought the gun. Right before I had that dream.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I am also trying to reconcile the damage my departure will cause to my loved ones.

Last month dreamt that I had a shotgun in my mouth and was telling my mother I needed her to be ok with me killing myself. That I needed her to understand how badly I need to leave, so much so that it's eclipsed the stake they've grounded me to.

Idk. Still too scared to do it. Though I bought the gun. Right before I had that dream.

Hey, I'm sorry for everything you said above & that I have no help to offer (otherwise I wouldn't be here myself…). I just wanted to jump in & say 1) your username really gets me in the feels. I have always wished I was someone else, someone good…
&
2) ever since I made my final, final, absolute decision to CTB, I've been having really vivid dreams, having conversations, feeling like it's real, that I can reach out & touch people. They're all already dead though, none left alive. But the dreams are like nothing else in my life. It's made me wonder a bit about how we're connected in the universe, what tethers us to our loved ones, alive or dead. No disrespect to anyone else's belief systems but I don't believe in a god or gods, but I do wonder what ties bind us & for how long & to what cause etc. Guns freak me out. Best of luck.

 

[Mirrory Me]

That can happen with people, they think it sucks so much they can't do anything about it, so they reach out the health care and then they are forcefully taken into custody by law, so they will medicate your "illness" or whatever they don't understand, since it happens to be a personally rooted issue. Then people are "labeled" and sometimes "taken care of" for the rest of their lives- unless people start to change themselves. (r=)evolution.

 

[willitpass]

If you care about your family the guilt never goes away. You just slowly stop seeing it as a barrier to suicide and more so as a deeply unwanted consequence. I spent years fighting and trying to stay alive because I knew how much it would hurt my family. I gave up on that years ago as you can only stay alive for other people for so long. Treatment was only hurting them even more anyway, as they were seeing me constantly struggle in life and would be hurt by my death. They've believe I've been in recovery for years now, so at least they can sleep at night believing I'm okay until the day I die. I know in some ways that will hurt them more as they will feel blindsided by my death, but unfortunately there is no good answer. The guilt of what my suicide will do to them eats me alive, but I just don't have it in me to stay alive for them anymore. Honestly if the guilt ever went away I would be even more inclined to CTB as it would mean I would have completely lost my humanity.

 

[circus22]

I feel guilt too. But I'm in so much pain and they don't seem to understand how hard it is to live everyday :/

 

[Thisisnotaname]

Expect my mother all my family members considering me as a failure because of psych wards experiences and attemps. Tbh I'm living for my mother only, she's 60 yrs old so I can't wait for his death, it's more painfull every fuckin day, people hurts me for everything I do. Can't fight with that

 

[justaperfectday]

Hey, I'm sorry for everything you said above & that I have no help to offer (otherwise I wouldn't be here myself…). I just wanted to jump in & say 1) your username really gets me in the feels. I have always wished I was someone else, someone good…
&
2) ever since I made my final, final, absolute decision to CTB, I've been having really vivid dreams, having conversations, feeling like it's real, that I can reach out & touch people. They're all already dead though, none left alive. But the dreams are like nothing else in my life. It's made me wonder a bit about how we're connected in the universe, what tethers us to our loved ones, alive or dead. No disrespect to anyone else's belief systems but I don't believe in a god or gods, but I do wonder what ties bind us & for how long & to what cause etc. Guns freak me out. Best of luck.

Thank you, truly. Not seeking help, just working this final stage out. Guns freak me out too but fucking this up isn't an option and seems like the only sure fire (yep, sorry about that) to get it done. I don't believe in god or afterlife, but believe our conscious runs deep enough to be considered a soul while we're here.

Best of luck. Hope you experienced at least a few sangria in the park days between the dark ones. I sure did.

 

[Ol Messier 87]

I have mad respect for you and the precaution you show towards your close ones by trying to spare them as much as possible, even if it means taking a little extra damage in the process, that's the mark of a true kindness of heart; I unfortunately don't think that you can do more for them to avoid this feeling of guilt, because this feeling is irrational and it has to be an unavoidable stage of mourning in such tragic circumstances.
I have a friend who committed suicide at the age of 28, a week after his birthday. It was the first time in years that I had not wished him a happy birthday, but this year I did not do it, I had forgotten, since we did not see each other as regularly. When I heard about his death I blamed myself, and told myself that if I had remembered to wish him a happy birthday, maybe he would still be here.
That is an irrational thought; and he was my friend, imagine how I would have felt if he had been my brother.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Thank you, truly. Not seeking help, just working this final stage out. Guns freak me out too but fucking this up isn't an option and seems like the only sure fire (yep, sorry about that) to get it done. I don't believe in god or afterlife, but believe our conscious runs deep enough to be considered a soul while we're here.

Best of luck. Hope you experienced at least a few sangria in the park days between the dark ones. I sure did.

I felt bad, jumping in to talk about song lyrics. But not bad enough to not do it again
Fucking things up isn't an option for me either, I'm hoping to catch the SN bus. I'm glad you had your sangria days, I definitely had my zoo & movies days. I do not think anyone shall be reaping what they sow, although nothing would make me happier…. I appreciate the song, the atheism, the gallows humour, the kind words & the soul. Best of luck to you too.

 

[justaperfectday]

I felt bad, jumping in to talk about song lyrics. But not bad enough to not do it again
Fucking things up isn't an option for me either, I'm hoping to catch the SN bus. I'm glad you had your sangria days, I definitely had my zoo & movies days. I do not think anyone shall be reaping what they sow, although nothing would make me happier…. I appreciate the song, the atheism, the gallows humour, the kind words & the soul. Best of luck to you too.

SN is so hard to access now; I had some legit shit awhile back but didn't realize the storage requirements and ruined it. I feel like I'd go thru all the steps and specific processes for SN CingTB and would just wake up 9 hours later thirsty af with pillsbury doughboy hands. I just don't trust it.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

SN is so hard to access now; I had some legit shit awhile back but didn't realize the storage requirements and ruined it. I feel like I'd go thru all the steps and specific processes for SN CingTB and would just wake up 9 hours later thirsty af with pillsbury doughboy hands. I just don't trust it.

Oof. That's not what I want to hear. My storage hasn't been terrible but probably sub-par. I had planned for my bus to come a few months ago but the damn thing was late. (As in me, I couldn't get all my shit together on the "perfect day" & then it got dragged out longer by shit life circumstances). Instead of reading a timetable, it's time for me to write the damn timetable - but again, I've only got one chance, I legitimately cannot see around that to a second chance - just not a viable option. So all I've got to do is do it once, do it right, succeed, plan against all odds, succeed against all life circumstances, fast track everything life is slowing down (opportunity), speed up what life is doing anyway (shit health, getting worse by the minute). But no pressure, right??? Like, don't let all that keep me up at night, twisting myself in knots of anxiety & fear of failure????? Easy. Sheeesh. If I had access to a better method or was capable of a harder method, maybe. But everything I've got is riding on SN so I've just gotta have faith because I've literally got nothing else. Grim but true. Hope your plan is coming along, if that's what you need.

 

[justaperfectday]

Oof. That's not what I want to hear. My storage hasn't been terrible but probably sub-par. I had planned for my bus to come a few months ago but the damn thing was late. (As in me, I couldn't get all my shit together on the "perfect day" & then it got dragged out longer by shit life circumstances). Instead of reading a timetable, it's time for me to write the damn timetable - but again, I've only got one chance, I legitimately cannot see around that to a second chance - just not a viable option. So all I've got to do is do it once, do it right, succeed, plan against all odds, succeed against all life circumstances, fast track everything life is slowing down (opportunity), speed up what life is doing anyway (shit health, getting worse by the minute). But no pressure, right??? Like, don't let all that keep me up at night, twisting myself in knots of anxiety & fear of failure????? Easy. Sheeesh. If I had access to a better method or was capable of a harder method, maybe. But everything I've got is riding on SN so I've just gotta have faith because I've literally got nothing else. Grim but true. Hope your plan is coming along, if that's what you need.

Get test strips. Just don't open package till you're ready to go-that was my mistake. Sn can't be left open. Or I guess seal it up really well

 

[justaperfectday]

This is another 'problem' for me. I am the last of my line lmao. Idk how much that means these days, but it means something. My father has 2 sisters, and I am his only son - if I die, his line ends. As I said, not as big a deal now adays as it was in past times, but... its still hard to think about. Im already letting my dad and family down by not wanting to have kids myself, least I could do as stay alive till he's gone.

I don't want my dad to have to outlive his child. Idk if i'll ever find a way to deal with it, so for now, i think im sticking around. Though some days its harder to say that. Today for example, i'm longing for the deep sleep.

I feel the same way. I guess maybe this is a form of SI… I honestly don't understand how our minds can convince us of one thing, then throw a spanner in the works, whilst simultaneously making itself feel nothing is worth it anyway.

Yeah I'm thinking it's another SI, maybe because we understand the pain and hurt so deeply, we don't want to be the contributing factor of our loved ones feeling as we did. We may accept our fate in ctb, but for some even in the worst circumstances will never understand the wanting to ctb… I think it should be pro-choice, no one should be made to suffer everyday without a miracle cure. However that been said, I don't think I'd ever come to terms with my bro or sis wanting to ctb. That'd break me in ways I'd never thought possible. Our mind is powerful, but yet weird.

I don't think it's a sign of not making the right choice, because no matter the love or support I receive from my siblings, it doesn't change how I feel on a day to day basis, my mind literally fantasises over ctb, I fluctuate from intense feelings of worthlessness to been a failure. I've never wronged anyone in life, I pushed them away before I could. But my conscious will always call for me to ctb… it's got to a point I won't even try anything anymore, cause no matter how good it turns out for me, I will mess up and I will be left in the same situation feeling the same all over again.

I messed up the other week, I've spent a long time 'prepping' my brother and sister, trying to desensitise them to my death.
I got hold of SN, I decided to be noble & speak with my sister. As understanding as she is, I guess it's natural for her to do anything possible to 'save' me. We lost our parents at a very young age and I know them losing me too is going to break them anyway, so I decided to let my sister ring people and it resulted in me going to a mental health ward. Nothing has helped, they started me on new medication & now I feel in limbo again.. I suppose deep down, I've allowed it to go this way, so I can prove to them I really did try everything and hopefully now, they won't blame themselves.

How do people get over that guilt?

I got told I have adhd & bpd, adhd I knew I had. Bpd has opened my eyes a little and it's made me more certain than ever that I ain't fixable. I'm always going to ruin friendships and relationships, I'm always going to shut down and make myself believe I'm worthless.

All I wanted was a life with an understanding partner & family, I'm 29yr now and I've lost absolutely everything more than once, due to my brain. I don't even know what I do wrong half the time, I just know I'll always push away

I told my sister this time, they will be no warning as it puts to much responsibility on them. My plan now is to do it on the day of my birthday, in a month. That way, they only get reminded of me once a year.

Not even sure why I posted this, I guess I just needed to vent to someone.

I think about what an increasing burden I will become to them, the longer I hold on. They know there's darkness, just not how deep its hold is. I'm a high functioning, engaging person who comes home and practices shooting herself in the head w a shotgun several times a week. I want them to remember the person they loved, not the darkness. I tried to do birthday this year, for same reason, and failed. But I think it doesn't matter, they'll hurt no matter what, every day. I did find this source about a note- I think that's the best we can do.

I think about what an increasing burden I will become to them, the longer I hold on. They know there's darkness, just not how deep its hold is. I'm a high functioning, engaging person who comes home and practices shooting herself in the head w a shotgun several times a week. I want them to remember the person they loved, not the darkness. I tried to do birthday this year, for same reason, and failed. But I think it doesn't matter, they'll hurt no matter what, every day. I did find this source about a note- I think that's the best we can do.

I think about what an increasing burden I will become to them, the longer I hold on. They know there's darkness, just not how deep its hold is. I'm a high functioning, engaging person who comes home and practices shooting herself in the head w a shotgun several times a week. I want them to remember the person they loved, not the darkness. I tried to do birthday this year, for same reason, and failed. But I think it doesn't matter, they'll hurt no matter what, every day. I did find this source about a note- I think that's the best we can do.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/members/gothbird.107659/

I think about what an increasing burden I will become to them, the longer I hold on. They know there's darkness, just not how deep its hold is. I'm a high functioning, engaging person who comes home and practices shooting herself in the head w a shotgun several times a week. I want them to remember the person they loved, not the darkness. I tried to do birthday this year, for same reason, and failed. But I think it doesn't matter, they'll hurt no matter what, every day. I did find this source about a note- I think that's the best we can do.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/members/gothbird.107659/

Trying to post link to it but maybe against the rules. I don't want to plagiarize another member but I found it so helpful, I'll pm you if you want the guide. Even if you don't write note, it's just a very very thoughtful way to exit.

Good luck either way. Maybe they're worth sticking it out. If so maybe you are too.

Much love