Paranoid: anyone else?

[Anarchy]

Is there anyone else here who fully accepts death, wants to be dead and have the experience of dying, but is held back by paranoid thoughts of being caught?
Not just worry at being caught, but absolute terror and anxiety.
I know, for me, that's the one thing that's holding me back. I have only a short time-frame in which I can attempt, and my parents, who I live with, are cautious around me and know that I'm suicidal.
If I'm not caught, then I'll get the best possible outcome: death; if I am, then it's the worst: indefinite imprisonment.

If I were to live alone, I imagine that I would joyously be taking steps to end my life, but instead I'm constantly paranoid about being discovered.

The thing that terrifies me the most is that so much is based on chance, and so I can't accurately predict the outcome and I don't have full control.

There's the chance that I could be extremely noisy when sneaking out of the house, and plan very poorly, but end up dead, and the chance that I could be as quiet and secretive about it as possible and be caught.
That terrifies me.

Does anyone relate?

 

[Djx]

Hey yea I relate my parents are always around and love me so much. I feel so bad wanting to leave them and also paranoid that they'll find out about the N I'm ordering (I'm trying to use my cousin's address for delivery instead but also nervous about this and them getting in trouble)

 

[millefeui]

I am not scared of being caught or saved.

I am scared about what comes after, if anything comes after. The unknown gives me anxiety. The absolute lack of evidence towards any conclusion is rather bothersome. That said, it is not enough to stop me anymore, though. If I let this fear stop me, I am never killing myself and I refuse to keep on living for no reason whatsoever other than fear. So, I can only hope that either nothing (nonexistence) or what my heart desires for is waiting for me at the other side. If not, unfortunately I will have to deal with whatever it is thrown at me after I die. Maybe I will just have to keep on killing myself over and over again. Hopefully not.