Venting People like to absolve themselves of guilt/wrongs, deflect the blame (to others), and virtue signal

[TAW122]

Whenever there is a tragedy, be it a natural disaster, man-made disaster, suicides, death by natural causes, etc., there are oftenly people who absolve themselves of guilt. By that I mean people who say "sometimes I wonder if I could have done more.", "I wonder if I could have done something differently.", "", etc. It's not so much about the victims or the perpetrator or the person who died per se, but more of trying to virtue signal.

For example, in the 2007 Virginia Tech Shooting, where the perpetrator has killed 32 people then himself, there was an escort that the perpetrator hired some time before his rampage, and in the news article, she said, "Sometimes I wonder if I could have said something or done something differently." meaning that (of course) after said incident has happened, the people who interacted with said perpetrator regrets not actually helping the person or potentially preventing him/her from going through with such an heinous act. It would be total speculation and no one really knows beyond a reasonable doubt of whether if/what if she had done what the perpetrator wanted, then perhaps the perpetrator might not have followed through with his rampage. Now with that said, I'm not condoning nor excusing the perpetrator's behavior, but simply using an example to show how people absolve themselves of guilt, deflect the blame, and virtue signal, all without much regard for either the victims or perpetrators. Of course, no one except the perpetrator is to blame for his actions and crimes. There are so many other examples, but this is just one such of an example of how people don't want to admit that they may help prevent such tragedies or may be the minute action that ends up saving someone's lives or get them on a road of recovery.

On another example, though less extreme, we'll take the situation of someone who CTBs but then people act like they aren't responsible (the ones that are, especially like bullies or assholes, or the like) when they are. They oftenly project their selfishness and guilt to the suicidal person. Or when they push someone to the edge and taken them for granted for too long such that one day said person "actually" followed through with CTB, they (pretend and lie to) act like they aren't responsible or their behaviors and actions didn't contribute towards said person from going over the edge. Worst yet, they project their blame and guilt & shame the dead person. They may even appear to be sad to garner the support and (fake) praise of the collective society.

On the flipside though, no one is omniscient such that they would be able to foresee such events from unfolding (until they do, or if they spotted red flags ahead of time). Then again, if one had such power and technology available, it would cause many ethical, moral, and legal issues (think of it as being intrusive, violating the 4th amendment (freedom from unreasonable search & seizures) and many more other civil liberties). I digress though.

So yeah, my thread basically highlights the behaviors of many people in society, which is that they don't want to feel guilty about being (directly or even indirectly) responsible or a factor in someone's death or tragedy, but do just about anything (through rigorous mental gymnastics) to absolve themselves of guilt, project the blame to the other party (or even the victim).

 

[Deleted member 14573]

In the case of suicide, I would say that often the people who do feel some sort of guilt ask themselves these questions. I know I did when I was grieving for my friends who committed suicide.

For example, one person messaged me the day they killed themselves, but I did not answer my messages because I was "busy", and responded when it was too late. I still feel guilty about this and wonder if things would have been different if I responded earlier. The answer is probably no.

I feel a very deep regret about this actually. It still makes me cry.

I would say that there is a sense of responsibility there, so I do agree with you.

 

[Epsilon0]

"- Your story doesn't make any sense.
- Don't blame me, blame the school system."


We all deflect, because we want to save face and because it is psychologically easier to assign blame to someone else, than to ourselves.

In my case, the more I became aware of my deflection habits, the more I tried to get rid of them. As far as other people deflecting their blame on to me is concerned, I have no problem calling them out, but that hasn't always been the case.

Deflecting can be extremely damaging if you are a child and your parents admit some blame when they do something wrong, but still place the main part of the blame on you. It can lead to loss of self-esteem in the child, and it also teaches the child that admitting guilt is a sign of weakness.

In relationships between adults, deflection is problematic because the person who deflects, being unable to admit they did something wrong, places the responsability of guilt on their partner. Typical deflection technique: "I didn't... because you didn't...". It's a form of psychological abuse.