Help Please help me

[Lanternlight]

I have totally f*cked up my life.
I am so sick of thinking about suicide and not having the courage to do it :(.
My life used to be so in control, and I was a very hard worker, most importantly a loving mother (I still love my children beyond belief which is what keeps stopping me), I was a really fun and social person. PLEASE don't have a go at me for saying that - I am just trying to tell the story. Trust me it wasn't all perfect (my brother died in my arms but I moved thru that grief)
BUT now for various reasons I have lost my job, my home and my children have to live with my ex husband.
I am badly in debt, I am couch surfing, my kids are devastated, my family don't want to know about me as I have started drinking heavily. I don't see anyone anymore - it's all shit!!!
I have gone from being a whatever you want to call it - a capable person - to being a loose canon.
I can't take it anymore!!
I don't have money to buy whatever it is you can buy to end your life BUT I do live in a city with lots of cliffs I could jump off. I have no doubt they are all high enough!
I just need this anxiety and depression and sadness to END!
I can't sleep thinking about this.
How do I just do it???
I just want it to end even though I know it will hurt my family. They are better off without me.
So fricking sad

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

It took me months before I got over the fear of death. I could never jump because I'm too scared

 

[Lanternlight]

It took me months before I got over the fear of death. I could never jump because I'm too scared

So what do you do then? Just try and think of other ways?

 

[Mynameisnotimportant]

So what do you do then? Just try and think of other ways?

My method is hanging and I went through planning about 10 different methods before I choose hanging

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

I hear this.

 

[JustAboutDone]

My first thought on reading through was that two things stuck in my mind:

1) you love your children beyond belief
2) you just want this depression anxiety and sadness to end

You also mention you lost your brother and you are divorced. You have been through a hell of a lot and now you feel trapped in a corner with no way out. No wonder you are drinking and feel like a loose cannon - most people would probably be the same.

I am so so sorry that all this has happened to you and that you are not at home with your children right now, that must be so hard. You mentioned you working before, was it something you enjoyed?

Have you been able to see your doctor at all and asked about anything to help with your anxiety? I know that you are the only person who knows if they are coping with the death of a sibling but it sounds so traumatising to lose your brother as you did. I just wonder if there is just too much going on in your head right now and you need a break? Xxxx

 

[ThinkingAboutThis]

I am so sorry @Lanternlight. Going from a normal, regular life into the one full of severe depression and suffering is horrific. I understand your pain and am really sorry that all this happened to you. Life is so horribly cruel and unfair sometimes, and I think you're a very strong person to have endured all this suffering for the sake of your family. It really shows your strength as a person. No, you are not a burden. This is just the conditioning we'd all been brainwashed with. It's not your fault you were fed all these lies about being a "worthy" person only if you have a, b, c, d and x, y and z in your life.

You've done great and I respect you for that. Again, I am really sorry for all your suffering :(

 

[ctrl_alt_delete]

My first thought on reading through was that two things stuck in my mind:

1) you love your children beyond belief
2) you just want this depression anxiety and sadness to end

You also mention you lost your brother and you are divorced. You have been through a hell of a lot and now you feel trapped in a corner with no way out. No wonder you are drinking and feel like a loose cannon - most people would probably be the same.

I am so so sorry that all this has happened to you and that you are not at home with your children right now, that must be so hard. You mentioned you working before, was it something you enjoyed?

Have you been able to see your doctor at all and asked about anything to help with your anxiety? I know that you are the only person who knows if they are coping with the death of a sibling but it sounds so traumatising to lose your brother as you did. I just wonder if there is just too much going on in your head right now and you need a break? Xxxx

Bless you for saying the things

 

[JustAboutDone]

@ThinkingAboutThis is totally right - you have done so well to come this far and it's not your fault that all this has hit you. Do not blame yourself. We can support you as you find a way through it xxxx

 

[JustAboutDone]

I promise you all your problems can be resolved. Being in debt isn't a terrible crime, someone did a thread the other day and there were lots of useful suggestions. The same with housing support.

Your children need their mummy :-) you might not think so because that's what depression does to you - it makes you think you are not worthy of anything; of love, a job, help, literally anything. But they do. And they love you just as much as you love them xx

 

[Jake88]

It isn't selfish to committ suicide if you think that your children would be better off without you, but it doesn't sound like that is the case.

The people who are evil enough to the point their children would be better off, are never the type to CTB.

You clearly love your kids a great deal, and you sound like you're at a low point, but I know they love you too.

My mother wasn't a saint, and I still love her. My mother tormented us by trying to hang herself in front of us. Made up life threatening illnesses. A lot of traumatic stuff. I'd be devastated if she ever killed herself. Especially because I definitely don't believe she would at this point. She's threatened me with it within the last year and I'm 30!

 

[Hennessy]

I have totally f*cked up my life.
I am so sick of thinking about suicide and not having the courage to do it :(.
My life used to be so in control, and I was a very hard worker, most importantly a loving mother (I still love my children beyond belief which is what keeps stopping me), I was a really fun and social person. PLEASE don't have a go at me for saying that - I am just trying to tell the story. Trust me it wasn't all perfect (my brother died in my arms but I moved thru that grief)
BUT now for various reasons I have lost my job, my home and my children have to live with my ex husband.
I am badly in debt, I am couch surfing, my kids are devastated, my family don't want to know about me as I have started drinking heavily. I don't see anyone anymore - it's all shit!!!
I have gone from being a whatever you want to call it - a capable person - to being a loose canon.
I can't take it anymore!!
I don't have money to buy whatever it is you can buy to end your life BUT I do live in a city with lots of cliffs I could jump off. I have no doubt they are all high enough!
I just need this anxiety and depression and sadness to END!
I can't sleep thinking about this.
How do I just do it???
I just want it to end even though I know it will hurt my family. They are better off without me.
So fricking sad

I send you my warmest thoughts and my most sincere best wishes. We all do! I hope you can find someone to talk to, and may your problems be overcome! May you find happyness and peace, my friend. Please know that on this forum there are many people thinking of you and care about you. Please stay strong!

 

[21Neberg]

My mother tormented us by trying to hang herself in front of us.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you got proper help.

 

[Sickman75]

Lots of trauma you took in on a very short term.
Listen I'm a father as well, we love our children. They are our life support. You may be couch surfing right now, you may be divorced right now, you may be in debt right now, you maybe drinking more than you aught to right now. Here's the deal, your not that far into debt where it's unmanageable, you can stop drinking at any time, the couch surfing is only temporary until you get a job and your own place to live in. Divorce is divorce. I'm divorced as well. It hurts but, we move on. We eventually find someone else we love.
I don't believe you really want to end your life. You just would rather have it ended because you have alot of pain right now in your life. It would be easier to be dead than to face the rest of everything. But it's all doable if you want to make it happen. Make your children proud of you again. You can do it if you want. It's not going to be easy, but it will be well worth it. If you can do all of that and it still doesn't work out ..than maybe you have other choices. But I don't think you want to right now. That's my opinion tho .

 

[Macc Lad]

it does put a different light on it when you have children........my daughter is the only thing stopping me from doing it

 

[Jake88]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I hope you got proper help.

No I haven't. I haven't seen any doctors. Bothers people that I self diagnosed. Rapid cycling bipolar is not hard to miss. I have OCD. Probably ADHD.

I speculate it's because I've had it since I was a very young child. Rapid cycling by 18 which takes years of being left untreated to get to that point. Now I cycle daily which is very rare. Come from a violent destructive home too so it's a nasty course of cycling.

Ive always been coherent and well spoken so nobody thought I had a problem. My rage and destruction was chalked up to the horrible shit around me.

I always called myself crazy and just took accountability for it. Many apologies to everyone. I wanted to kill myself almost daily from 18-22. First suicidal feelings at probably 15ish. Not lasting. Just fleeting thoughts.

I called myself mental but I didn't know I was mentally ill. I heard Kurt Cobaine like 6 years ago and just became enamored with his music. I thought he was heavy metal or something. I was curious enough to research him. I saw where it speculated he was bipolar and it had a link with a basic symptoms chart and it was like I was reading my own trait chart or something.

I Have researched bipolar disorder extensively. Im textbook. Weird things like ripping my shirt off. It feels like it's suffocating me during extreme agitation. I bite myself during extreme agitation. Super triggered mind you, not every day and it's when I'm trying extremely hard NOT to snap. Like a coping mechanism I guess I don't know.

Psychomotor agitation is a form of psychosis. I'm actually psychotic and most people would never know it until they cross me in a very bad way.

Anyway, decided to tell my dad because I knew he was seeing a doctor for depression. I thought it was a safe choice. Then he denied me having mental illness and it quickly devolved into a speech about mental toughness. God damn it.

Anyway sorry for the long ramble. I tried to see a doctor on my own. Im not well off financially to say the least. Finally had an apt scheduled for last Aug after beginning the process in March. I just saw that now. March. Spring. There's a lot of textbook bipolar issues I have. Spring seems to be a bad time for bipolar people. For me it's usually the holiday season.

Anyway I got a call the day before my apt, to cancel on me because my doctor was "ill." Can't make this stuff up. 6-8 weeks to schedule that's how backed up it is. Called to reschedule, was told the doctor schedules his own apts. I'm not sure I ever received a call back. Definitely not in a timely fashion.

It takes a lot for me to do that. I'm not complaining, I'm just not the type to keep trying to get help. That took me 29 years.

I know I write such long posts, and I apologize for that. But if anything is to be taken from it? I see a lot of people on here are 18-22. I didn't make that number up in my experience. It's a rough time. I have really bad days now that last. But that was 5 years of every single day being the worst day of my life. Now I have periods of relief.

 

[SeekingSolace]

You are not alone. Nothing will make this process easy, but I'm here to talk if I can offer comfort in any way. Our shared sadness/anxiety connects us more than we would like to admit. Sending strength.

 

[Lanternlight]

You are not alone. Nothing will make this process easy, but I'm here to talk if I can offer comfort in any way. Our shared sadness/anxiety connects us more than we would like to admit. Sending strength.

Thank you SeekingSolace.
Not sure how to 'talk' with you as can't seem to be able to start a conversation with you? Are you able to PM me? :)

 

[SeekingSolace]

Thank you SeekingSolace.
Not sure how to 'talk' with you as can't seem to be able to start a conversation with you? Are you able to PM me? :)

I actually discovered this site a few days ago and just created an account this morning, so I am not completely familiar with the interface/options yet. Is direct messaging something that's available over time, or are posts the only way to contact one another?

 

[Lanternlight]

I actually discovered this site a few days ago and just created an account this morning, so I am not completely familiar with the interface/options yet. Is direct messaging something that's available over time, or are posts the only way to contact one another?

I am new too so maybe it will take you a few days before you can PM someone :(

 

[SeekingSolace]

I

I am new too so maybe it will take you a few days before you can PM someone :(

I think you are likely correct. Looks like I may have to wait a little bit before we can chat. :-/

 

[Broken]

I


I think you are likely correct. Looks like I may have to wait a little bit before we can chat. :-/

Yeah I think you've got to of made a certain number of posts but don't think it's to many! To message somone you click on there name and then click start conversation.

 

[SeekingSolace]

Yeah I think you've got to of made a certain number of posts but don't think it's to many! To message somone you click on there name and then click start conversation.

Thank you for the info Broken! :-)

 

[Lanternlight]

I


I think you are likely correct. Looks like I may have to wait a little bit before we can chat. :-/

Hi
I think I managed to send you a message.
Top right corner - envelope symbol.
Have you received it?
:)

 

[JustAboutDone]

@SeekingSolace @Lanternlight just check the settings on your profile pages are set to allow you to let each other start a conversation and remember you can build up the number of "posts" you make very quickly if you do any of the games eg counting of words in the off-topic section.

I know you keep catching me out there @Lanternlight as I'm rubbish at the drop a word find a new one one! Xx

 

[SeekingSolace]

@SeekingSolace @Lanternlight just check the settings on your profile pages are set to allow you to let each other start a conversation and remember you can build up the number of "posts" you make very quickly if you do any of the games eg counting of words in the off-topic section.

I know you keep catching me out there @Lanternlight as I'm rubbish at the drop a word find a new one one! Xx

Thank you for the info! I appreciate it.

 

[Lanternlight]

@SeekingSolace @Lanternlight just check the settings on your profile pages are set to allow you to let each other start a conversation and remember you can build up the number of "posts" you make very quickly if you do any of the games eg counting of words in the off-topic section.

I know you keep catching me out there @Lanternlight as I'm rubbish at the drop a word find a new one one! Xx

Haaa no I'm rubbish at it too. It's hard not to repeat yourself on that game :).

 

[JustAboutDone]

Haaa no I'm rubbish at it too. It's hard not to repeat yourself on that game :).

I'm half an hour thinking then come back with a phrase and you've beaten me to it!!

 

[Feline]

I'm planning to jump, and basically I'm gonna get really fucked up on drugs and alcohol (and walk backwards) before jumping off a cliff nearest to me.

So what do you do then? Just try and think of other ways?