Venting Please someone read this, i need it. badly. I know it's long but I'm begging, if no one reads this I'll die

[dhjsjdjdjdjhc]

Apparently 3-4 months ago i cut my shoulders again but i don't remember why i did it, i just remember bringing it up in an argument and my mom saying that it was on me from this point on since i was old enough that it was not a concern she needed to deal with anymore. But here's the thing, i would never take such a risk. There are some things I'd never do like yell at people out of the blue, argue with friends who wouldn't listen and wish/try to disappear. But none of that seems to be true. I always hold myself back saying that i should just never do it, that i could just never do it and then somehow i end up doing it and then i forget about it as if it wasn't even me who did that. I forget a lot of things, i think it's a coping mechanism. It feels like anything that is in the past is no longer a part of me and I'm only me in the moment that I'm in, after that it slowly fades away and my old actions aren't mine anymore. Not in a "i don't feel guilty for the bad things that I've done" way but more like i know that certain things that I've done haven't been perfect but it's still not a piece of me even if i try to make up for it. And this isn't because I'm wise or I'm forgiving, I'm genuinely not connected to myself in the slightest. Like my emotions take over at times and then when they die down they were never mine to begin with, i still wouldn't act "illogical" and i will still try to be mature
Like if you asked me just a few months earlier i would tell you that i would never start cutting again because it's illogical and i might get caught but somehow there's a box cutter in my locker now and i have no idea how i even managed that. I feel things, I'm living things but once they pass they've never happened. I do things, i do bad things but once the emotions die down I'd say I'd never do such an illogical thing. It's as if i lose my sense of understanding after a certain point and when i gain it back my brain makes up for it by saying that it wasn't me. I'm always trying to drown out every action and every thought that would be illogical, constantly and without ever stopping. Then how did i end up getting a psychologist? How did i post to a site about suicide? How do i have a box cutter? How do i still feel horrible?
I tried to tell my psychologist but she just said that i was confused right now. I don't think she understands what's going on. Despite everything that has changed i cried again today. I said that dying is dumb but i realized that after all that self-improvement, all that trying to survive, all those "if i just figure out a way to live then nothing else matters", all those "I'm happy on my own, I'm happy with small things" i realized that i still want the one thing that I've been wanting violently all my life. I want to be heard. Everything that I've done, my fear for death, none of them stems from my love for the earth or my love for small things. No, that's total bs. I only live because i want to be loved, i live because i want to be heard. It hit hard, 4 whole years of learning how to live was just a bunch of lies i was telling myself. I never got better, i just suppressed everything and tried to act how i think a mature person should. I fooled everyone, even myself. I feel horrible now, I'm back 4 whole years, no, 5. I'm wondering if anything is ever worth it once again, is being heard enough of a reason to live for and what happens after that? I've come to the conclusion that I'll be horrible and miserable forever because of my need for people and it's not something that can be fixed. If I'll live a whole life like this i should at least stop fearing death and get one weight off my shoulders at least
All I've been doing is just following rules about how to live, I've never ever been true to myself, not once. And that's why i can't heal, any and all advice will become more weight on my shoulders. I could go and listen to my psychologist, i could listen to her tell me about all these things that i could do to make things easier for me but the reason that nothing changes even after everything I've heard from everyone up until this point is because even if i do them i still feel terrible inside regardless. I think my annoyance at her telling me I'm fine and her insistence on explaining things to me logically was because even if i acted how i should i still felt the same inside, even if i wasn't aware her words were hitting my heart because of how i was just faking everything. But to build something back up you need to break it or something, i don't even know anymore. If i die i won't be surprised anymore
Nothing anyone said would make me better worked, I'm just the same old me i always was. Obnoxious, loud, annoying, sad, angry and energetic. I suck. I truly do. I don't even need to say anything else anymore, there is just no hope for me and i have to accept that. There is nothing, nothing at all. I'll be this way forever and i need to learn how to think that nothing matters
Social norms were a mistake, let's all just die. I'm tired
I hold out for so long, i did so well and for the sake of it I'll say that I'm proud of myself. But I'm giving up now, I'm tired. I'll rest until i learn how to rest forever

 

[never_take_my_heart]

Hey. I read your post.
And, it resonates with me. Especially the following parts:

I never got better, i just suppressed everything and tried to act how i think a mature person should.

You put it to words plain and clear.

I only live because i want to be loved, i live because i want to be heard.

Likewise. Likewise. I may fool myself with philosophical discussions, but it's disingenuous. I'm a simple person with simple needs at the core- to be loved and heard, just like you.

It honestly aggravates me to hear "I love you" by strangers, because, well, to me, it's nothing but empty words. To me, "love" is something much more intimate than can be thrown thoughtlessly to whoever may see, thus I'd rather simply "put my money where my mouth is" and merely say that right now, at this time and space. I hear you. I hear your pain, I hear your frustration and isolation.
It brings me to my next point, actually:

I've come to the conclusion that I'll be horrible and miserable forever because of my need for people

"Miserable" is one thing- indeed, finding meaningful connection can be immensely difficult, and it truly sucks. Rehearsing acts to avoid ridicule is miserable indeed.
"Horrible", however? "Horrible" as in "it's my moral failing"? No... If my words right now hold any meaning at all, what I want to say above all is that there's absolutely NOTHING "horrible" to need people. Not even putting need in quotations- human affection and connection is a human NEED. Plain and simple. Isolation kills. You're not a bad person for desiring companionship. Honestly, I think it takes guts to admit, yes, I yearn for tenderness, I yearn for softness in a world that often values brute power and uses prepackaged platitudes in attempts to artificially pacify people in search for emotional intimacy.

 

[dhjsjdjdjdjhc]

Hey. I read your post.
And, it resonates with me. Especially the following parts:

You put it to words plain and clear.

Likewise. Likewise. I may fool myself with philosophical discussions, but it's disingenuous. I'm a simple person with simple needs at the core- to be loved and heard, just like you.

It honestly aggravates me to hear "I love you" by strangers, because, well, to me, it's nothing but empty words. To me, "love" is something much more intimate than can be thrown thoughtlessly to whoever may see, thus I'd rather simply "put my money where my mouth is" and merely say that right now, at this time and space. I hear you. I hear your pain, I hear your frustration and isolation.
It brings me to my next point, actually:

"Miserable" is one thing- indeed, finding meaningful connection can be immensely difficult, and it truly sucks. Rehearsing acts to avoid ridicule is miserable indeed.
"Horrible", however? "Horrible" as in "it's my moral failing"? No... If my words right now hold any meaning at all, what I want to say above all is that there's absolutely NOTHING "horrible" to need people. Not even putting need in quotations- human affection and connection is a human NEED. Plain and simple. Isolation kills. You're not a bad person for desiring companionship. Honestly, I think it takes guts to admit, yes, I yearn for tenderness, I yearn for softness in a world that often values brute power and uses prepackaged platitudes in attempts to artificially pacify people in search for emotional intimacy.

God dammit, i think I'm gonna cry. Thank you, like i genuinely haven't felt this heard or cared for all my life. The expectations are always the same, be smarter than others and be the very best. That's all everyone who loves me wants from me. And i understand people want the best for me when they want me to be someone, a doctor who earns well and a good student/person who should be looked up to. and if i accept anything less I'll be "wasting my potential". But dammit i don't want any of those. I want to be seen, to be heard, to be loved and to be pitied. I just want someone to see me as a dumb, immature person who has no idea how to control their emotions. I just want someone to hold my hand through things like I'm a kid you know? I don't want to be alone or seek companionship that won't suit my needs. It seems like the more i get better the more people want, no one ever stops. nothing ever stops. I feel the same way I've felt all my life, from even before kindergarten to now. Every thought i have is logical but are they ever mine? Would i really prefer that as a person despite always being praised for my thoughts? I've always been punished for my feelings, even simple ones. I think I've never been loved properly and i haven't been able to heal from anything at all. How do people even heal? Is it a real thing that happens or are they just lying to themselves too?

 

[belly.up4good]

Apparently 3-4 months ago i cut my shoulders again but i don't remember why i did it, i just remember bringing it up in an argument and my mom saying that it was on me from this point on since i was old enough that it was not a concern she needed to deal with anymore. But here's the thing, i would never take such a risk. There are some things I'd never do like yell at people out of the blue, argue with friends who wouldn't listen and wish/try to disappear. But none of that seems to be true. I always hold myself back saying that i should just never do it, that i could just never do it and then somehow i end up doing it and then i forget about it as if it wasn't even me who did that. I forget a lot of things, i think it's a coping mechanism. It feels like anything that is in the past is no longer a part of me and I'm only me in the moment that I'm in, after that it slowly fades away and my old actions aren't mine anymore. Not in a "i don't feel guilty for the bad things that I've done" way but more like i know that certain things that I've done haven't been perfect but it's still not a piece of me even if i try to make up for it. And this isn't because I'm wise or I'm forgiving, I'm genuinely not connected to myself in the slightest. Like my emotions take over at times and then when they die down they were never mine to begin with, i still wouldn't act "illogical" and i will still try to be mature
Like if you asked me just a few months earlier i would tell you that i would never start cutting again because it's illogical and i might get caught but somehow there's a box cutter in my locker now and i have no idea how i even managed that. I feel things, I'm living things but once they pass they've never happened. I do things, i do bad things but once the emotions die down I'd say I'd never do such an illogical thing. It's as if i lose my sense of understanding after a certain point and when i gain it back my brain makes up for it by saying that it wasn't me. I'm always trying to drown out every action and every thought that would be illogical, constantly and without ever stopping. Then how did i end up getting a psychologist? How did i post to a site about suicide? How do i have a box cutter? How do i still feel horrible?
I tried to tell my psychologist but she just said that i was confused right now. I don't think she understands what's going on. Despite everything that has changed i cried again today. I said that dying is dumb but i realized that after all that self-improvement, all that trying to survive, all those "if i just figure out a way to live then nothing else matters", all those "I'm happy on my own, I'm happy with small things" i realized that i still want the one thing that I've been wanting violently all my life. I want to be heard. Everything that I've done, my fear for death, none of them stems from my love for the earth or my love for small things. No, that's total bs. I only live because i want to be loved, i live because i want to be heard. It hit hard, 4 whole years of learning how to live was just a bunch of lies i was telling myself. I never got better, i just suppressed everything and tried to act how i think a mature person should. I fooled everyone, even myself. I feel horrible now, I'm back 4 whole years, no, 5. I'm wondering if anything is ever worth it once again, is being heard enough of a reason to live for and what happens after that? I've come to the conclusion that I'll be horrible and miserable forever because of my need for people and it's not something that can be fixed. If I'll live a whole life like this i should at least stop fearing death and get one weight off my shoulders at least
All I've been doing is just following rules about how to live, I've never ever been true to myself, not once. And that's why i can't heal, any and all advice will become more weight on my shoulders. I could go and listen to my psychologist, i could listen to her tell me about all these things that i could do to make things easier for me but the reason that nothing changes even after everything I've heard from everyone up until this point is because even if i do them i still feel terrible inside regardless. I think my annoyance at her telling me I'm fine and her insistence on explaining things to me logically was because even if i acted how i should i still felt the same inside, even if i wasn't aware her words were hitting my heart because of how i was just faking everything. But to build something back up you need to break it or something, i don't even know anymore. If i die i won't be surprised anymore
Nothing anyone said would make me better worked, I'm just the same old me i always was. Obnoxious, loud, annoying, sad, angry and energetic. I suck. I truly do. I don't even need to say anything else anymore, there is just no hope for me and i have to accept that. There is nothing, nothing at all. I'll be this way forever and i need to learn how to think that nothing matters
Social norms were a mistake, let's all just die. I'm tired
I hold out for so long, i did so well and for the sake of it I'll say that I'm proud of myself. But I'm giving up now, I'm tired. I'll rest until i learn how to rest forever

wow you sound like me. i only want love too and im tired of people disrespecting me and not understanding me. its so painful, i feel like an alien. and i do the same, im not myself right now because i try to make everyone else happy but sacrifice my safety and happiness for them, no one ever does the same for me. and yea social norms make me so mad, its partially why i stopped being myself, because other people have told me to shut up or other things. i used to be a beautiful little social butterfly who actually liked going out and just being loud and unapologetic. but now im extremely quiet, fearful to make the wrong move, and losing everyone i meet. not to add on to how you feel but, it sounds like you have some disassocation, i do too, for me its like watching a movie and not truly getting to enjoy good moments or activities. but. what helps? i guess, doing things i would never normally do, or what my real self would do. just now, i attempted to confront my neighbors (it's 3 am, they're fucking loud) and i yelled out ' im trying to sleep', and then went outside and knocked on their door. i genuinely dont know how tf they didnt hear my yell or my knock, im kinda assuming theyre ignoring me atp. but hey, i tried, i did it, my heart is about to jump out of my chest, my parents didnt wake up and yell at me like how i was worried they would. trying confrontation actually kind of helps me, i guess, feel better? feel..normal? because im not trying to please someone else and call out rude behavior for once. there's other things, like a while ago i went to my first mosh pit and it was the best fucking time ever. everyone was really nice to me and it was so fun. i got to let it all out for once. and yes its a moment that passed, but i can go to other ones again, and if it goes bad like i worry, i can leave. im also tired of following rules or social rules, still trying to figure out how to possibly break them and getting over doing small things like leaving the room without telling my professor. i hope this kind of helps, im still sad right now too even after doing good things for myself. i kinda realized maybe its not just doing things i normally wouldnt but, also adrenaline? maybe thats something to look into if you think that could help with anything. so far, mosh pits seem to be #1 place to get it. but i understand if it doesnt, theres been many mechanisms and advice ive been given that was ignorant or didnt work. im really sorry youre going through this. you sound like..i dont know how to word it sorry, but you..i see you. i dont know how people heal, i never healed really. and i still keep getting beat down as im trying to do the right thing. i guess whatever happened to me, it hurts less over time. theres been many bad things, but overtime i stopped thinking about them as much, im still hurt over everything, still dealing with the effects, but i guess the longer ive lived, its dulled, sometimes even forgetting what happened. i think maybe i have to cut some people out of my life to get better, even some family, which is hard but, theyve contributed to my pain for sure, its probably best not to try if they won't.

 

[dhjsjdjdjdjhc]

wow you sound like me. i only want love too and im tired of people disrespecting me and not understanding me. its so painful, i feel like an alien. and i do the same, im not myself right now because i try to make everyone else happy but sacrifice my safety and happiness for them, no one ever does the same for me. and yea social norms make me so mad, its partially why i stopped being myself, because other people have told me to shut up or other things. i used to be a beautiful little social butterfly who actually liked going out and just being loud and unapologetic. but now im extremely quiet, fearful to make the wrong move, and losing everyone i meet. not to add on to how you feel but, it sounds like you have some disassocation, i do too, for me its like watching a movie and not truly getting to enjoy good moments or activities. but. what helps? i guess, doing things i would never normally do, or what my real self would do. just now, i attempted to confront my neighbors (it's 3 am, they're fucking loud) and i yelled out ' im trying to sleep', and then went outside and knocked on their door. i genuinely dont know how tf they didnt hear my yell or my knock, im kinda assuming theyre ignoring me atp. but hey, i tried, i did it, my heart is about to jump out of my chest, my parents didnt wake up and yell at me like how i was worried they would. trying confrontation actually kind of helps me, i guess, feel better? feel..normal? because im not trying to please someone else and call out rude behavior for once. there's other things, like a while ago i went to my first mosh pit and it was the best fucking time ever. everyone was really nice to me and it was so fun. i got to let it all out for once. and yes its a moment that passed, but i can go to other ones again, and if it goes bad like i worry, i can leave. im also tired of following rules or social rules, still trying to figure out how to possibly break them and getting over doing small things like leaving the room without telling my professor. i hope this kind of helps, im still sad right now too even after doing good things for myself. i kinda realized maybe its not just doing things i normally wouldnt but, also adrenaline? maybe thats something to look into if you think that could help with anything. so far, mosh pits seem to be #1 place to get it. but i understand if it doesnt, theres been many mechanisms and advice ive been given that was ignorant or didnt work. im really sorry youre going through this. you sound like..i dont know how to word it sorry, but you..i see you. i dont know how people heal, i never healed really. and i still keep getting beat down as im trying to do the right thing. i guess whatever happened to me, it hurts less over time. theres been many bad things, but overtime i stopped thinking about them as much, im still hurt over everything, still dealing with the effects, but i guess the longer ive lived, its dulled, sometimes even forgetting what happened. i think maybe i have to cut some people out of my life to get better, even some family, which is hard but, theyve contributed to my pain for sure, its probably best not to try if they won't.

So to feel alive i need adrenaline. I get that, sometimes it does feel more understandable than other emotions but the problem i have is that i can barely tell anything apart. I feel everything but I'm never aware of my feelings, like they're so big for my body that they drown out. Like there's this big red blob in my mind covering my brain and my body is so hot that i can't feel it anymore. Like everything is fried, nothing feels connected because everything is connected and I'm nothing. Even when my body and my voice shakes, the amount of feeling i feel is the same as any other time. It's as if the situation doesn't matter, my body doesn't matter and my feelings are always the same. Like I'm not alive, like I'm not even real. I spend most of my days watching people from a window at school or just hanging out around there or in the library, it gets too loud anywhere else so it's my only escape. I used to join in on those conversations, in fact i used to be the loudest. I used to make that noise but now i wear earplugs to even get through the day. I think the rejections I've faced over the years finally got big enough to make me lose the one thing i was holding onto, my will to keep on socializing. Now I'm plain scared, I'm terrified. not that i ever was satisfied with it anyway. I understand that feeling, like you're not the one living your life and you're just kinda.. there. Everything feels too much that i think my brain shut itself off at some point and i don't know how to feel like a human again or if i ever felt like one to begin with. But i must have right? I was a kid right? Kids are alive. I'm just not sure anymore, everything is everywhere and I'm a mess

 

[belly.up4good]

So to feel alive i need adrenaline. I get that, sometimes it does feel more understandable than other emotions but the problem i have is that i can barely tell anything apart. I feel everything but I'm never aware of my feelings, like they're so big for my body that they drown out. Like there's this big red blob in my mind covering my brain and my body is so hot that i can't feel it anymore. Like everything is fried, nothing feels connected because everything is connected and I'm nothing. Even when my body and my voice shakes, the amount of feeling i feel is the same as any other time. It's as if the situation doesn't matter, my body doesn't matter and my feelings are always the same. Like I'm not alive, like I'm not even real. I spend most of my days watching people from a window at school or just hanging out around there or in the library, it gets too loud anywhere else so it's my only escape. I used to join in on those conversations, in fact i used to be the loudest. I used to make that noise but now i wear earplugs to even get through the day. I think the rejections I've faced over the years finally got big enough to make me lose the one thing i was holding onto, my will to keep on socializing. Now I'm plain scared, I'm terrified. not that i ever was satisfied with it anyway. I understand that feeling, like you're not the one living your life and you're just kinda.. there. Everything feels too much that i think my brain shut itself off at some point and i don't know how to feel like a human again or if i ever felt like one to begin with. But i must have right? I was a kid right? Kids are alive. I'm just not sure anymore, everything is everywhere and I'm a mess

its really torturous, it sounds like you're overwhelmed and at the same time not. just take your time i mean, some good things happened to me recently, and i'm going to go to events in a couple days, even though i thought it was over. you definitely have a chance to feel alive, and be yourself again. i dont know if your school allows it but i would ask whoever lives with you to let you stay home for a bit, to take a break, take care of yourself or maybe do something you've been wanting to do for a bit. and then when you go back, try to do something new, maybe talk to someone new, maybe dress like how you want to. anything that you think would help you. and yes if it is adrenaline like i suggested, try it! any healthy outlet. not sure if you're the creative type but maybe making some art or similiar could help with the overwhelming/nothingness.

 

[Undertow Mermaid]

Your mom is a bitch. WTF you're old enough it's not her problem anymore? Actual vile shit.

Therapy is scary, going to a doctor and asking for help with depression and self harm is even scarier. However only you can help yourself. Looking for your mom to help at this point, she for one couldn't help herself with a singular fuck to give her child, so seriously fuck her. But overall she was never going to be able to help. It's a hard lesson to learn but craving love is normal. However no matter how much someone loves you -- only you can save yourself.

 

[CatLvr]

Your mom is a bitch. WTF you're old enough it's not her problem anymore? Actual vile shit.

Therapy is scary, going to a doctor and asking for help with depression and self harm is even scarier. However only you can help yourself. Looking for your mom to help at this point, she for one couldn't help herself with a singular fuck to give her child, so seriously fuck her. But overall she was never going to be able to help. It's a hard lesson to learn but craving love is normal. However no matter how much someone loves you -- only you can save yourself.

This bears repeating. I was in my early 30s when I FINALLY realized that my entire family didn't love me. My mother was the narcissistic bitch who ruled the roost, my dad and brothers and sisters her enablers. I was the oldest and a girl, which made me the perfect scapegoat for the bitch. There is not a more empty feeling than walking away from everything you've ever known to a world with NO ONE in it because all my life I had been told no one would ever love me as much as my family does and the bad things that happen to me are because I am a bad person. If I would just straighten up and give them everything they've ever wanted (which looking back I realize now my mother wanted me to kill myself so she could play the consummate victim) then they wouldn't have to hurt me like they did.

I feel like you may be where I was when I finally snapped and walked away. I never saw any of them ever again. My life has still been a hot mess from time to time but at least it's because of my own doing and not a bunch of people manipulating my life for their own shits and giggles.

I am really sorry you are going through this.