• Hey Guest,

    As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.

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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,426
They swore to me they would never Do that. I feel sort of betrayed. I had everything. I followed the protocoll precisely. I was hesitant though because I am not sure ziprasidone is enough as antiemetic. I took some Promethazine extra. Honestly, I felt somewhat good and relaxed. I took 1 mg Tavor to calm down. I think it was a good mood to kill myself. I already dissolved the SN in water. But I ruminated a lot before taking it. I texted my friends because I still was somewhat ambivalent. I wanted to say goodbye to them. And they panicked a little bit. The police which came was very friendly. I told them I am fully cooperative which was good otherwise bad Things would have happened. In the clinic I could negotiate that I am allowed to an open clinic and not the closed psych ward. A very friendly psychiatrist who Interviewed me could archive that. The situation is fucked up. I know have to lie to my closest friends since this day and I think this will erode our friendship. The heart problems of my mom will only become worden. They took the rest of my SN. Unsealed it is worthless anyway. Personally, from the things I have been through I still cling to SN as a method. Actually, I feel somewhat good because the benzos I took made sort of high. The police low key threatened that I could get a punishment for SN. The dude just googled it to get clearity. Lmao. They cannot Do me anything. It is allowed in Germany seemingly. This explains why other Users pretend different Things about the legality. The police just Google searches it. I did not admit gladly that I have imported it from Poland. I think Import might be an Issue. After this experience I am even more convinced of SN. They cannot punish me for buying it. I hope people here have sources for SN to help me. I will buy it again but just keep silent in front of other. I think it will hurt being forced to lie to my closest friends. But I have to take a hiatus on suicide plans. I am on suicide watch now from my Environment for a long time I assume.. And I cannot even trust my two closest friends anymore. This whole things gives an incentive for suicidal people to lie about everything.


The Day Was pretty horrible. And I considered not to text my friends but I did. Maybe it was a call for help. It should have allieviated the pain going though this process. Interestingly, there was Not so much pain when I followed the procedure. I felt sort of peaceful but also very tired. The next time I will try it I will have to lie to them. Maybe it Was Not a nice Thing to share it with them. They don't need a guilty conscience for Not stopping me. And I am scared they could have gotten in legal trouble for Not stopping me.
Tbh today my suicidality has changed and I never was in such an acute situation. I think I could have been ready to say goodbye to World. Maybe the Promethazine and Lorazepam gave me a slight high. It felt like the right thing to do. To kill myself. I read some goodbye threads of people that I liked shortly before trying it on my own.
I think I could have done it. But I Was aware that if I take it once I am not allowed to chicken out. After following the protocoll in Detail I was Sure. If turn in the different direction extreme Depression will come. Shortly, prior to drinking I was Most of the time calm. I felt read.
I am not sure what impact this event will have on my life. Will my mom get another stroke? I don't know but I think the impact will be Bad. I might be returning to the Day care clinic where I was 6 months ago.
The Day is a complete Shit Show. However, it could have been way worst. And now I realized I cannot trust my friends when I am acute suicidal anymore. At the same potentiallly they could have gotten in trouble. If they found the chat on their or my phone announcing my severe acute suicidality.


There is so much trouble that I cause. And Best Thing would be just to vanish. I am happy about one thing. That I did not take SN without realizing the police in on my way. This could have been dangerous. If I die no problem all my problems solved. I don't care about the aftermath in many but Not all instances. But permanent damage is not ruled out when one is saved in a scenario of a bad timing. This is the horror scenario together with a stroke of my mom.
What an insane Day. I have WLAN in This open clinic at least. I could have been Dead if I shutted my mouth. Another Chance will come.

I don't know what will happen next. From my experiences nothing good. Thank for reading
 
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Hana68

Hana68

Fallen šŸ–¤
Oct 12, 2024
30
I'm sorry for all the things you went through, i wish you find peace
 
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E

EternalTrevor

Member
May 9, 2020
5
Reminder: Never talk about CTB with friends, most people are pro-lifers.
 
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P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
11,656
Welcome back and don't be too hard to yourself. I'm sorry you have to go through all this. :heart:šŸ«‚
 
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C

coffeebeany

Student
Jul 12, 2024
123
Sorry you are going through this. Usually friends and family will call police. Reminder to not tell anyone about CTB.
 
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TraumaEscapee:)

TraumaEscapee:)

I hate my birth family
Apr 30, 2023
210
Reminder: Never talk about CTB with friends, most people are pro-lifers.
Exactly why when I go today I won't be saying "bye" not that I have anyone to say bye too.
 
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L

lionetta12

Just a random person
Aug 5, 2022
1,201
They swore to me they would never Do that. I feel sort of betrayed. I had everything. I followed the protocoll precisely. I was hesitant though because I am not sure ziprasidone is enough as antiemetic. I took some Promethazine extra. Honestly, I felt somewhat good and relaxed. I took 1 mg Tavor to calm down. I think it was a good mood to kill myself. I already dissolved the SN in water. But I ruminated a lot before taking it. I texted my friends because I still was somewhat ambivalent. I wanted to say goodbye to them. And they panicked a little bit. The police which came was very friendly. I told them I am fully cooperative which was good otherwise bad Things would have happened. In the clinic I could negotiate that I am allowed to an open clinic and not the closed psych ward. A very friendly psychiatrist who Interviewed me could archive that. The situation is fucked up. I know have to lie to my closest friends since this day and I think this will erode our friendship. The heart problems of my mom will only become worden. They took the rest of my SN. Unsealed it is worthless anyway. Personally, from the things I have been through I still cling to SN as a method. Actually, I feel somewhat good because the benzos I took made sort of high. The police low key threatened that I could get a punishment for SN. The dude just googled it to get clearity. Lmao. They cannot Do me anything. It is allowed in Germany seemingly. This explains why other Users pretend different Things about the legality. The police just Google searches it. I did not admit gladly that I have imported it from Poland. I think Import might be an Issue. After this experience I am even more convinced of SN. They cannot punish me for buying it. I hope people here have sources for SN to help me. I will buy it again but just keep silent in front of other. I think it will hurt being forced to lie to my closest friends. But I have to take a hiatus on suicide plans. I am on suicide watch now from my Environment for a long time I assume.. And I cannot even trust my two closest friends anymore. This whole things gives an incentive for suicidal people to lie about everything.


The Day Was pretty horrible. And I considered not to text my friends but I did. Maybe it was a call for help. It should have allieviated the pain going though this process. Interestingly, there was Not so much pain when I followed the procedure. I felt sort of peaceful but also very tired. The next time I will try it I will have to lie to them. Maybe it Was Not a nice Thing to share it with them. They don't need a guilty conscience for Not stopping me. And I am scared they could have gotten in legal trouble for Not stopping me.
Tbh today my suicidality has changed and I never was in such an acute situation. I think I could have been ready to say goodbye to World. Maybe the Promethazine and Lorazepam gave me a slight high. It felt like the right thing to do. To kill myself. I read some goodbye threads of people that I liked shortly before trying it on my own.
I think I could have done it. But I Was aware that if I take it once I am not allowed to chicken out. After following the protocoll in Detail I was Sure. If turn in the different direction extreme Depression will come. Shortly, prior to drinking I was Most of the time calm. I felt read.
I am not sure what impact this event will have on my life. Will my mom get another stroke? I don't know but I think the impact will be Bad. I might be returning to the Day care clinic where I was 6 months ago.
The Day is a complete Shit Show. However, it could have been way worst. And now I realized I cannot trust my friends when I am acute suicidal anymore. At the same potentiallly they could have gotten in trouble. If they found the chat on their or my phone announcing my severe acute suicidality.


There is so much trouble that I cause. And Best Thing would be just to vanish. I am happy about one thing. That I did not take SN without realizing the police in on my way. This could have been dangerous. If I die no problem all my problems solved. I don't care about the aftermath in many but Not all instances. But permanent damage is not ruled out when one is saved in a scenario of a bad timing. This is the horror scenario together with a stroke of my mom.
What an insane Day. I have WLAN in This open clinic at least. I could have been Dead if I shutted my mouth. Another Chance will come.

I don't know what will happen next. From my experiences nothing good. Thank for reading
I wondered where you'd gone since I hadn't seen any new threads from you for some days. I found a new thread last night from a german member who asked what other germans thought of the politics in Germany right now, reminded me of your threads and made me think maybe you CTB?

I'm sorry about the situation that you're in right now. I've planned to use scheduled messaging and scheduled emails for my CTB with SN to try and avoid a scenario like this. I also don't think the location I've chosen will have any cellular connection, it definantly wont have any WIFI so that makes it almost impossible to reach anyone. I've worked really hard on my ideal plan and I'm close to being able to go through with it soon. It's difficult to have to keep all the details to myself because I don't want the attempt to fail. I'm so used to being open and honest with friends and others about my suiciality, plans and attempts, but I know that I can't this time and it hurts. Hope the clinic is alright, it's nice that you got to choose between open and closed.
 
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vanillamilkshakes

vanillamilkshakes

Aspiring Corpse
Aug 26, 2024
435
i'm sorry you had to go through all of this, try not to beat yourself up so much
 
TAW122

TAW122

Emissary of the right to die.
Aug 30, 2018
6,883
I'm very sorry to hear about your suffering, and it sounds like an awful nightmare for sure. I hope you are able to find peace in the future and that nothing worse comes out of this ordeal.
 
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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,426
I am in this open clinic currently, I negotiated not having to go the closed psych ward. Gladly the psychiatrist sympathized with me and trusted me. Everyone in this clinic lies he was not suicidal. Because everyone is scared as hell about the closed psych ward. It feels orwellian tbh. My roommate is cool though. Yeah I am obviously telling them only the truth and they told me on Monday I might can go to a Day clinic. Honestly, it is so important to stay friendly and cooperative but my anxiety about psych wards reach a new level. Even in this clinic there are so many total wrecks. This day was insane.
 
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-Link-

-Link-

Deep Breaths
Aug 25, 2018
610
There is so much trouble that I cause. And Best Thing would be just to vanish.
@noname223 oh my goodness, let it be very clear, you are NOT the "cause of so much trouble!!"

Your friends just wanted to help somebody they care about. The police and clinic staff were doing their jobs and just trying to help. And your mother still has her son in her life, which I'm guessing is preferable for her rather than planning your funeral right now.

Whatever "trouble" you feel you're causing other people through this, try not to be too hard on yourself.

I don't even know what to say to the idea that you could be dead right now. But welcome back??? I hope you're able to find some relief from your suffering.

Wishing you well as can be and thinking of you.
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,400
give yourself some grace. i'm sorry this happened. I agree with those up thread that unless you want to be stopped (valid always) don't tell people your plans who know where to find you etc
 
N

notausgang

New Member
Sep 23, 2024
4
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you'll get out of there quickly!!!
 
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skyflame

skyflame

Member
Oct 1, 2024
59
That's a lot to deal with, sorry to hear you've had such an ordeal.
 
N

noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,426
Maybe it was good that someone intervened. I was always convinced ziprasidone could be used as antiemetic. I was so wrong. But similar to other experiences I will learn from this. I am not sure when my next attempt will Happen. My family probably puts me on suicide watch now. I need SN again. For me it is by far the easiest method and I am not even getting into legal trouble. I have promethazine at home. I think is a way better antiemetic.

Do you think this situation qualifies as suicide attempt? I think I never was so close to suicide.
 
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noname223

Archangel
Aug 18, 2020
5,426
Soon I am out of here. I have the choice between going home soon or to go to another day clinic stay once again. I don't think the Day care clinic really wants me there. I also don't really want to go there. But if I kill myself in some months my family and friends can blame the doctors instead of themselves. I call it responsibility diffusion. The highest doctor treated me very well. I sort of like him. He fully bought my story. He is just a nice old man who hopes for the best. The story I told him is not fully made up. However, I did not reveal that in my head I am already planning to order new SN. This time two packages. I hope the sources are still available. I will wait some weeks I think. I live in the house of my mom. This time it is more difficult to receive it.
 
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