I've even disclosed my ideation to several MH professionals and wasn't institutionalized. Then again, it takes a lot to get to that point where I'm from.
I didn't really have a reason to disclose how I've been feeling to friends, family or professionals. I told the professionals because I was in pain and my immediate family and friends found out when I attempted. I still do not disclose my darkest thoughts to anybody, and as far as they know, I've ideated but I'm not actively still feeling that way. The results have been varied for me.
Several professionals tried to get me to go to church and gave me resources to contact my local crisis center. I did not feel judged by them, but I did feel… overlooked? Or, maybe "ignored" is the better term. My mother found me mid-attempt, so she just knew. At first she yelled at me, called me stupid, disparaged me, but when the medical emergency passed, she tried in her own ways to comfort me. I've learned that I can't ask her to empathize with me. She doesn't understand my pain, but she explained to me why my life is precious, and expressed to me how much she wants me alive. She later gave me a diary of her thoughts, written down from the moment she found out she was pregnant, to the moment she decided not to abort me, and up until the day of my first birthday party, when all of the pages had been used up. She included photos and everything. I read the excerpt of what was going through her mind when she found out she was pregnant and when she wanted to rid herself of me, and then I put the journal away. She told me that she wanted to leave this with me when she passed, but that moment made her realize I could die without ever knowing how much she loves me. I'm respecting her wishes and keeping most of what is in there a secret until either I'm sure that I'm going, or she passes away. I was still under punishment for attempting though lol.
I told my grandmother, who I miss so much, that I wanted to die. She reminded me that I'm really blessed. Another conversation with a religious tilt to it— I didn't listen, but now, I wish that I could remember exactly what she said. I perceived that as a negative experience because even though she didn't have ill intention, I still felt like I wasn't really heard. But now it feels more neutral.
My best friend alerted my mom of my first attempt and afterwards the entire grade knew at school. I don't really remember why or how that information leaked but everybody knew I was suicidal well before I attempted, even the school's pastor and counselors. I had a lot of negative experiences when people made fun of my misery or infantalized me for it. I've had some very sweet people wish for me to live and give life a chance, though. I had someone message me a few years ago on social media because they remembered how sad I was. They said it was nice to see me still alive. We just agreed to disagree on that one.
Every instance where someone has found out this piece of information about me has been uncomfortable because it changes the way that people perceive me forever. I have had a lot of people withdraw their friendships when they found out in any way that I was depressed or suicidal, because it's just so taboo back home. Very rarely have I been understood, and it's even more rare that people didn't immediately dismiss me with some religious message. But even those people meant me no harm and the bottom line was that they wanted to help and didn't know how to. I'm both glad and lucky that my experiences haven't been horrible. I think the worst reaction was from my mom. It hurts a lot when people find out and then begin to question your strength, character and intelligence, but I learned to live with that without keeping it a secret. I think my friends deserve to know that I might just randomly die one day!
I can't say that I've always disclosed my reasons, though. I don't feel the need to explain my pain and trauma to most people and luckily "she's bipolar" is enough of an excuse.
. That's why this forum is so important to me.
