mischief_tofu
Member
- Mar 14, 2024
- 11
Hi everyone! I've been suicidal from a young age - 12 years old. I'm 29 now. My life has been a mess and no matter how much I try to change the things I can change, things are rarely looking up. I don't even know where to start, but I'm going to highlight some of the most shitty aspects of my life so far.
My parents were emotionally absent and distant growing up. I had to live with my grandmother until 11 or 12, who had mental health issues. She was paranoid and raised me in constant fear and anxiety, she would never allow me to go out and play with other kids, she would isolate me, she would hallucinate and scare the shit out of me, she taught me to fear other people and to be unnecessarily cautious. So I started living in a fantasy world, I would play alone inside, and I was socially awkward, which I still am, big time.
When I was 12 I started to self-harm by cutting myself. I was constantly bullied in middle school and also in high school. I began drinking alcohol at 13 before class to alleviate my social anxiety and have a more lax attitude about my classmates. No one figured out, I would hide the bottles in my closet.
Later I was diagnosed with BPD, anxiety disorder, insomnia, substance use disorder, autism (high functioning), depression, and bipolar. I highly doubt I have bipolar disorder, though, as I've never had mania or psychosis. I've only had some hallucinations when I was sleep deprived or under a lot of stress. Psychiatric meds have destroyed my mental health even more. I hate these drugs with a passion. More on this later.
Fast forward, from 23 to 26 I was a compete mess. I was in toxic relationships, would drink every day, smoke a lot of weed, had many suicide attempts, 3 of which landed me in the ER uncounscious, all of which culminated with me jumping out the window from the 3rd flood under the influence because my parents had locked me inside and I had lost it. I fractured my spine and was bedridden for 1 month and a half. The pain after the surgery, which took 8 hours to complete, was terrible.
After I jumped out the window I wanted to turn my life around. I started working again, became sober from alcohol and weed, and tried to keep myself busy. But I just can't with life. I can't help to see how fucked up this world is. I was brought here without my consent and I'm forced to be a slave to capitalism.
I have major anger issues because of my BPD. I've been voluntarily hospitalized in a psych ward 3 times. I've changed 6 psychiatrists and 3 therapists. I resent my parents for bringing me into this world, although we now get along and I'm close with my mom. I might have been sexually assaulted when I was young, but my former therapist made me question my memories and refused to help me figure out whether my memories are real or not.
I can't trust psychiatrists anymore but if I decide to keep living, I will have to go back to one most likely. Now I'm almost meds-free. I stopped taking my antipsychotic 2 months ago and only take 300 mg valproic acid and 5 mg Valium. While I feel better and can think more clearly without meds, the insomnia is killing me. On one hand, I have no anxiety now, I've lost weight, I have the courage to voice my concerns, I can think more clearly, but I can't sleep well, I am irritable, I lash out at people, I isolated myself, I'm still miserable.
I'm unemployed now and looking for a new job since December, with almost no success. I can no longer live with my parents, their attitude toward each other and the stress they're dealing with in their lives take a heavy toll on my mental health. My options for a new job are pretty limited, as I've been working only as a content writer since 2016 when I graduated. I can no longer writer, I'm burnt out. My dream was to be a tatoo artist, but I haven't drawn in years and even if I could become one, I wouldn't be able to do my job, as it would be too stressful and overwhelming. So I'm stuck with jobs I hate.
The 3 suicide attempts that landed me in the ER were psych meds overdoses with alcohol. Maybe if I hadn't chickened out and told my dad the first time, when I took over 150 pills, I wouldn't be here anymore. I was uncounscious 18 hours. No one will ever know how much I struggle. I just want out, I know for a fact I will struggle for the rest of my life if I keep living. Nothing comes easy to me. I fuck up my relationships or end up with abusive people. I fucked up my relationship with the only person who truly loved me and whom I loved. Out of fear of losing her. Except for her, I've always been used and manipulated in relationships.
Onto my suicide method of choice now. Because of my past, I have connections. I have one person in mind who could - hopefully - get me heroin. Now, I'm asking people who know more than me:
- how much should I take? I read that 200 mg should do the job, but I know street heroin is never 100% pure. I live in Eastern Europe if it matters
- is oxycodone a viable alternative? if so, how much would be lethal? unfortunately I won't be able to get fentanyl. I don't even know if I will be able to get opioids
- the person who might be able to get me heroin will suspect something is up. they only know me for using week. what should I say? should I offer them extra money to not ask any questions?
- for how long should I be undisturbed so that my attempt is successful?
Please give me any other information I might need. I'm scared shitless, not going to lie. But I just know I'm going to do it eventually, it's just a matter of time, so why keep suffering? I'm too scared to use the dark web although I was close to ordering fentanyl one time. I'm scared of my package being tracked. The last thing I need is prison. I have enough trauma. I also tried hanging in the past but just couldn't do it, it was too uncomfortable.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment anything, I feel like trash. I don't want another failed attempt.
My parents were emotionally absent and distant growing up. I had to live with my grandmother until 11 or 12, who had mental health issues. She was paranoid and raised me in constant fear and anxiety, she would never allow me to go out and play with other kids, she would isolate me, she would hallucinate and scare the shit out of me, she taught me to fear other people and to be unnecessarily cautious. So I started living in a fantasy world, I would play alone inside, and I was socially awkward, which I still am, big time.
When I was 12 I started to self-harm by cutting myself. I was constantly bullied in middle school and also in high school. I began drinking alcohol at 13 before class to alleviate my social anxiety and have a more lax attitude about my classmates. No one figured out, I would hide the bottles in my closet.
Later I was diagnosed with BPD, anxiety disorder, insomnia, substance use disorder, autism (high functioning), depression, and bipolar. I highly doubt I have bipolar disorder, though, as I've never had mania or psychosis. I've only had some hallucinations when I was sleep deprived or under a lot of stress. Psychiatric meds have destroyed my mental health even more. I hate these drugs with a passion. More on this later.
Fast forward, from 23 to 26 I was a compete mess. I was in toxic relationships, would drink every day, smoke a lot of weed, had many suicide attempts, 3 of which landed me in the ER uncounscious, all of which culminated with me jumping out the window from the 3rd flood under the influence because my parents had locked me inside and I had lost it. I fractured my spine and was bedridden for 1 month and a half. The pain after the surgery, which took 8 hours to complete, was terrible.
After I jumped out the window I wanted to turn my life around. I started working again, became sober from alcohol and weed, and tried to keep myself busy. But I just can't with life. I can't help to see how fucked up this world is. I was brought here without my consent and I'm forced to be a slave to capitalism.
I have major anger issues because of my BPD. I've been voluntarily hospitalized in a psych ward 3 times. I've changed 6 psychiatrists and 3 therapists. I resent my parents for bringing me into this world, although we now get along and I'm close with my mom. I might have been sexually assaulted when I was young, but my former therapist made me question my memories and refused to help me figure out whether my memories are real or not.
I can't trust psychiatrists anymore but if I decide to keep living, I will have to go back to one most likely. Now I'm almost meds-free. I stopped taking my antipsychotic 2 months ago and only take 300 mg valproic acid and 5 mg Valium. While I feel better and can think more clearly without meds, the insomnia is killing me. On one hand, I have no anxiety now, I've lost weight, I have the courage to voice my concerns, I can think more clearly, but I can't sleep well, I am irritable, I lash out at people, I isolated myself, I'm still miserable.
I'm unemployed now and looking for a new job since December, with almost no success. I can no longer live with my parents, their attitude toward each other and the stress they're dealing with in their lives take a heavy toll on my mental health. My options for a new job are pretty limited, as I've been working only as a content writer since 2016 when I graduated. I can no longer writer, I'm burnt out. My dream was to be a tatoo artist, but I haven't drawn in years and even if I could become one, I wouldn't be able to do my job, as it would be too stressful and overwhelming. So I'm stuck with jobs I hate.
The 3 suicide attempts that landed me in the ER were psych meds overdoses with alcohol. Maybe if I hadn't chickened out and told my dad the first time, when I took over 150 pills, I wouldn't be here anymore. I was uncounscious 18 hours. No one will ever know how much I struggle. I just want out, I know for a fact I will struggle for the rest of my life if I keep living. Nothing comes easy to me. I fuck up my relationships or end up with abusive people. I fucked up my relationship with the only person who truly loved me and whom I loved. Out of fear of losing her. Except for her, I've always been used and manipulated in relationships.
Onto my suicide method of choice now. Because of my past, I have connections. I have one person in mind who could - hopefully - get me heroin. Now, I'm asking people who know more than me:
- how much should I take? I read that 200 mg should do the job, but I know street heroin is never 100% pure. I live in Eastern Europe if it matters
- is oxycodone a viable alternative? if so, how much would be lethal? unfortunately I won't be able to get fentanyl. I don't even know if I will be able to get opioids
- the person who might be able to get me heroin will suspect something is up. they only know me for using week. what should I say? should I offer them extra money to not ask any questions?
- for how long should I be undisturbed so that my attempt is successful?
Please give me any other information I might need. I'm scared shitless, not going to lie. But I just know I'm going to do it eventually, it's just a matter of time, so why keep suffering? I'm too scared to use the dark web although I was close to ordering fentanyl one time. I'm scared of my package being tracked. The last thing I need is prison. I have enough trauma. I also tried hanging in the past but just couldn't do it, it was too uncomfortable.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment anything, I feel like trash. I don't want another failed attempt.
