This may be a lengthy thread and would like to start with a warning, if you get annoyed by an illogical / chaotic train of taught, then feel free to not read this thread
Alright so this involves my experience with psychosis and delusional thinking , which I see as one of the infinite possibilities that my mind actually plays tricks on me. It makes a great Loki if that's the case (My story starts from bold sentence on ... )
Basically I think it's possible that we're being lied to about religion, the afterlife, God, the devil , reality itself . I mean one possible theory is that the old testament God is actually the real Satan (adversary) or a powerful deity . Like try to read it as a book and from almost every dialogue where God speaks, he sounds mad, self centred, vengeful and pretty much like a villain. I mean some examples , the garden of eden . Alright Adam and Eve messed up so God decided to use colourful language such as " cursed are you .... from your pain you will bear children , from your sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground" I'd expect something like this from someone who's too good for this world " What have you done ? , do you realise that this has changed the course of destiny for mankind, Nothing can be done at this point , prepare yourselves for pain and suffering and even though Im hella mad , I'll be there, watching over and guiding you into the light ..... "
The tower of babel for some reason God taught it would be a good idea to literally divide people in every way so they stop working together cause he was afraid of them becoming too powerful together
We all know Noah's ark story , but God was clear that he had no other option and probably did what had to be done despite the procedure going against his pure goodness nature . Well maybe but all we know is that he saw how wicked mankind has become. He did like Noah and some selected few and let them survive. Thankfully the burnt live stock offering that was made after the ordeal smelled so good that he swore to himself he'd never do that again . The aroma man !
Abraham probably went through a lifetime of PTSD after being convinced by God to almost murder his own son. Don't think you can sugar-coat that in any way even though they say the end justifies the means
There might be more instances but weirdly enough I cant read one passage of the old testament God thinking or speaking and thinking , what a pure hearted being this guy is !
Alright so what about Jesus ? Well at first I wanted to rebel against him too thinking that the Catholic Church is siding with the wrong trinity but then again after remembering his miracles , the pain he went through , how forgiving and kind he was . Maybe not the sinless person the church describe him as but for sure a great person to look up too right . So I don't know maybe he's the light bearer, Lucifer ? He's the representation of the good and compassion in humanity compared to the self cantered power hungry side we also inherit from God . The Ying and Yang we all have in ourselves .
Now if what I'm saying has merit or some truth in it , how does it effect me , not like I'm Lucifer or anything right ?
Well even though I don't know who or what I really am , and even though I may not in anyway be involved , there's still a red pill blue pill scenario . There's no more peace of mind knowing that I'll go to heaven if I'm good to my neighbours , or my good deeds outweigh the sins or whatever . For anyone who's not into that ideology , there's still no Rest in Piece .
Ok for me it does go a step further ...
When I had social anxiety in 2017 I was took to a psychiatrist who prescribed me a low dose of antipsychotics meds and anti depressants . Even though I had no idea of what their effects would be , my instincts screamed at me to stay away and after a night of arguing with my parents about that we came to the agreement that I had to get out of the house everyday and do something , which I agreed to . I decided to bounce back from laziness and the " find a permanent work from home where i can escape from the rat race" mentality . Also staying up all night watching movies and shows
So yeah I found an internship in Marketing and decided to join some youth fellowship to make new friends cause I guess I've never been the atheist type even though I had previously stopped going to church. Even started getting back to church hoping God would help me get through the struggles of reintegrating back into society . Also like to point out that at the time I still had selective friends I enjoyed goofing around with from time to time . Still had that spark of magic in life . Just needed time to smoothen out the rough edges caused by some period of "isolation" if you can call it that
Yet despite seeing me in good moods back then , and probably they could see the spark of hope in me after coming from work , my parents would try to get me to confess in a way my social anxiety, the instances where I felt judged or overwhelmed by people's energies around me.
Didn't think much of it but it seemed that reality was getting progressively mad at me . I'd get weird looks from people around me for no reason , one time was on a ferry alone minding my business and some guy decided to inspect me with an angry weird look . Also the forced coughs I'd get from people . I'd think like what am I doing wrong to trigger so many random "eqq hemmms" around me
This is where it starts getting weird though. I 've always been a fan of rock music, the foo fighters , nirvana , some Linkin Park (back then I wasnt as invested as I am now , Just liked the tune and vibe the songs gave) . And one day on Facebook I saw a post about the new foo fighters album .
Hell Yeah ! I listened to The Sky is a Neighbourhood first . Which felt like it was made for my Dyspraxia and possible undiagnosed ADD . The beat was so cool , I just couldn't get enough of it
Then at one point the lyrics started hitting . Especially the part where he says
Mind is a battlefield
All hope is gone
Trouble to the right and left
Whose side you're on?
Thoughts like a minefield
I'm a ticking bomb
Maybe you should watch your step
Don't get lost
Remember this is when church, god,jesus = good , devil, satan , lucifer ... = bad
So I saw the video and if you pause it in the first part of the lyrics , surely enough there's a picture of Tesla on the right , and Jesus on the left , which my brain associated with Church and Science
That's pretty freaky , so I saw the rest of the songs
the song Run starts with a man in an elderly nursery being given pills by a pretty evil smiley nurse . The guy throws them away in anger . The video is pretty funny . Bunch of old people vibing to rock music causing chaos in the chapel and escaping
Although what I got from the video again is Satanism = bad , and for some fucking reason , there are subtle messages in songs trying to convince me otherwise . I didn't pay much attention to the lyrics other than sounding intimidating when he yells . Though looking back now the lyrics weren't so bad after all :
Wake up
Run for your life with me
Wake up
Run for your life with me
In another perfect life
In another perfect light
We run
We run
We run
Anyway there's Sunday Rain, Happy ever after , La Dee Da . Lyrics in order be like ... (Also would like to add that was pretty invested in superhero shows at the time and had a crush on an actress which is probably the only person i followed on insta back then . These details will also add up to the story)
You say I take it for granted
I say you've taken it all
Say you can take it or leave it
You got your head in the ceiling
When are you gonna come down?
When you're that high, can you feel it?
Don't leave me drowning in your Sunday rain
It's right down the drain, I go
Don't leave me drowning in your Sunday rain
It's always a shame, oh, no
You wanna tell me a secret
You think I'm gonna find out
You tell the lie, you should keep it
Don't wanna know where it's leading
Don't want to follow you 'round
My first mistake was believing
.................................................................................
Hate!
If I want to
Love!
Who I like
Hate!
If I want to
Psychic Television and Death in June
Jim Jones painting in a blue bedroom (Jim Jones a religious corrupt leader )
Hate!
If I want to
Keep your pretty promise to yourself (and I swear I could remember a verse from that song officially being - keep your pretty crosses to yourself ! )
..............................................................................
Where is your Shangri la now?
Where is your Shangri la now?
Counting down to zero hour
There ain't no superheroes now
There ain't no superheroes, they're underground
Happy ever after
Counting down to zero hour
And there's The Line , which seems like a cry for help for me to realise that something is going on and I had to do something about it . Of coarse my judgment was too clouded from shock to actually take it in :
Yes or no?
What is truth
But a dirty black cloud coming out of the blue?
I was wrong
I was right
I'm a blood moon born in the dead of night
Break my bones
I don't care
All I ever wanted was a body to share
Heart's gone cold
Brush ran dry
Satellite searching for a sign of life
Like you
Somewhere?
Are you there?
The tears in your eyes
Someday will dry
We fight for our lives
Cause everything's on the line
This time
Listen close
I can't hide
I'm a page torn from a broken spine (my mom had a serious back injury some year before . Don't really see a connection here , but still )
Sun gets low
I get high
Satellite searching for a sign of life
Like you
So anyway by this time I was flipping out and was about to write a message to the band explaining my beliefs at the time on how God is good, demons are bad theyre harming people , left side is actually the right way , please let me have it
So Same day the celebrity insta post came out with a left arrow captioned "Land of Make Belief"
Alright after all this , I felt I had to spill the beans , protect my family at all costs , even if it meant sounding totally insane while explaining the whole thing , So I did , and when I tell you I experienced the worst level of gaslighting and manipulation from the whole family , I'm just not messing around . I was like hell they must be monitoring me from the technology, how else would they be so quick to correspond with me ? Its like I still tried to be as realistic and grounded as possible. Telepathy couldn't have been it so NSA shit was the most reasonable thing . I was like turn off everything i gotta talk to you this is serious ! . I explained to them all the coincidences , showed them the post the lyrics. My mom was like , everyone gather round you need the hear this but it felt as a means to gain evidence of my insanity rather than out of concern . Anyway so she would dismiss every thing I would say like why would they target you , your being very paranoid , ( very similar to the part in the truman show when everyone was acting out after truman was questioning reality)
It seemed off but still they're my family , I owed them my life . Anyway another post came out from the celeb captioned - Never Complain , Never Explain !
The next day my family just had an intervention , They literally gave me 0 choice on the med situation . They surrounded me . I remember crying out to them like what the hell , you cant do this .... But still no empathy from them . Their mission was to make me swallow that stuff. So my dad came up with the med in his hand and as me made me put it in my mouth he'd carefully stare at me . I wanted more time , but that was no option , there was nothing to think about . So after a million taught in my head I was like fuck it I do need time and somehow managed to sneak in the pill in the top of my lips . My dad still was persistent in checking under my tounge .When I went to my room stared at the pill , My instincts ( not voices . Just inner taughts , monologue ) were like , dont take it , we're gonna lie through our teeth through this , don't take the pill ! . I just went against that. I had to take it atleast one time . So that atleast id know what to say to the psyc without being caught in a lie .
Nothing much happened except a kind of battle with my taught process of this must be in my head to how the hell is it in my head with so much consistency in the story !
Anyway the day after went to the fellowship and this guy I met would say like Ohh I got big problems in my household . I just like to walk walk walk it off . Ok cool I guess. Now at the time for some reason I still believed that some strangers from hollywood were targeting me , So I just wrote all the relevant lyrics in some paper , and wanted to somehow make contact to the bishop. I went out to this church that had a connection with him I think . Anyway didn't get me far , so went home and thats where things just popped . My mom was like standing there with a malicious smile saying heey where you went , .... walk walk walk .... What thee ..... That's where she invaded my brain with her voice telepathically . Its where reality really got outa hand . It started from Im somehow caught up in the most realistic conspiracy I could think accept at the time to my mom is a supernatural creature ? . Mind you they are the most religious people around. They go to church every day . pray alot , theyre super devoted .
So yeah I just couldn't believe that my loving and open minded parents (despite their religious beliefs) could be like that. So I tried to read some exorcism rite to her . It just made her smile more like it was actually empowering her more than anything . I just told her its a nice prayer, and tried to press the cross she wears . She just kept smiling saying such a beutiful prayer , read it to yourself ... something along those lines
I dont know, my brain was still under attack and i was too afraid to go through the original plan my instinct had in store for me . I just took the pills when given to me . Just wanted to sleep it off . Didnt want to face reality
Somewhere along the experience the celebrity posted a post with It was all a dream caption
Anyway somewhere I realised that somehow Chester Benningthon from Linkin Park is also involved in the story . Lyrics from the latest Linkin Park Album also came out from 2017
Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
.........................................................................
I'm dancing with my demons
I'm hanging off the edge
Storm clouds gather beneath me
Waves break above my head
Headfirst hallucination
I wanna fall wide awake now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight
But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me
Stared into this illusion
For answers yet to come
I chose a false solution
But nobody proved me wrong, no
..........................................................................
So say goodbye and hit the road
Pack it up and disappear
You better have some place to go
'Cause you can't come back around here
Good goodbye
(Don't you come back no more)
Live from the rhythm, it's
Something wild, venomous
Enemies trying to read me
You're all looking highly illiterate
Blindly forgetting if I'm in the mix
You won't find an equivalent
I've been here killing it
Longer than you've been alive, you idiot
.....................................................................
I got a long way to go
And a long memory
I've been searching for an answer
Always just out of reach
Blood on the floor
Sirens repeat
I've been searching for the courage
To face my enemies
When they turn down the lights
I hear my battle symphony
All the world in front of me
If my armor breaks
I'll fuse it back together
Battle symphony
Please just don't give up on me
And my eyes are wide awake
So yeah somewhere I starting suspecting that it wasnt just his presence. It was much more
That was realised after not a long time of consistant meds being shoved down my throat
I could feel the lack of humbleness and wisdom from Chester and Chris , the intensity and raw emotion of Kurt Cobain , The humour, positivity and compassion from Robin Williams, maybe also mild femininity traits from deceased female celebrities (nothing major hard to explain but like wow dude looks great, can totally see how women are into him .... ). Of coarse if this is the case then my ancestors, grandparents must have played a role. Of coarse the intense empathy levels that came from all of them combined . I just became a zombie. I couldnt feel , think , relate to anyone anymore , be positive , joke around , explain myself , vibe , enjoy the music ..... nothing
Anyway fast forward to now , the psychiatrist did gradually reduce my meds and change the prescription to more dopamine and serotonin friendly drugs rather than the killing the hormone of happiness and pleasure .
I am feeling better . More emotions , more taught , more creativity , empathy ,compassion. Pretty much how I was before but less intensely . I learned how to carefully speak with my psychiatrist . Like yeah I was delusional but still believe it might be possible that I was stuck in a supernatural experience. Who knows , or my mind playing tricks . Its all possible. Im not gonna dismiss a whole experience. Split my mind into sections. One where I dont dismiss any possible scenario, and one into getting on with life ..... That seems to work . Also no visuals or hearing voices which is true ....
So yeah to this day I still dont know what my faith is . Where I am , who I am ( to be clear I dont think im lucifer , maybe had a part in this spiritual warfare , and failed at it big time in every step of the way . And still a possibility that my afterlife will be torment . At this point I dont even care, or maybe im procrastinating the severity of that situation . I just wanna know that I didn't mess it up for you guys or Chester , Chris , Kurt all the pure souls out there
Anyway if you don't like illogical thinking and conspiracies, yet read the whole thing . I'm sorry , You have every right to think Im completely out of my mind . No hard feelings at all.
But yea if you were in my shoes now , what mentality would you hold on to ? Like the best way to keep moving forward ?
Thanks so much for reading this far btw . Stay positive guys . I really believe there's hope for everyone while trying to cling on a possibility of hope for me .
Alright so this involves my experience with psychosis and delusional thinking , which I see as one of the infinite possibilities that my mind actually plays tricks on me. It makes a great Loki if that's the case (My story starts from bold sentence on ... )
Basically I think it's possible that we're being lied to about religion, the afterlife, God, the devil , reality itself . I mean one possible theory is that the old testament God is actually the real Satan (adversary) or a powerful deity . Like try to read it as a book and from almost every dialogue where God speaks, he sounds mad, self centred, vengeful and pretty much like a villain. I mean some examples , the garden of eden . Alright Adam and Eve messed up so God decided to use colourful language such as " cursed are you .... from your pain you will bear children , from your sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground" I'd expect something like this from someone who's too good for this world " What have you done ? , do you realise that this has changed the course of destiny for mankind, Nothing can be done at this point , prepare yourselves for pain and suffering and even though Im hella mad , I'll be there, watching over and guiding you into the light ..... "
The tower of babel for some reason God taught it would be a good idea to literally divide people in every way so they stop working together cause he was afraid of them becoming too powerful together
We all know Noah's ark story , but God was clear that he had no other option and probably did what had to be done despite the procedure going against his pure goodness nature . Well maybe but all we know is that he saw how wicked mankind has become. He did like Noah and some selected few and let them survive. Thankfully the burnt live stock offering that was made after the ordeal smelled so good that he swore to himself he'd never do that again . The aroma man !
Abraham probably went through a lifetime of PTSD after being convinced by God to almost murder his own son. Don't think you can sugar-coat that in any way even though they say the end justifies the means
There might be more instances but weirdly enough I cant read one passage of the old testament God thinking or speaking and thinking , what a pure hearted being this guy is !
Alright so what about Jesus ? Well at first I wanted to rebel against him too thinking that the Catholic Church is siding with the wrong trinity but then again after remembering his miracles , the pain he went through , how forgiving and kind he was . Maybe not the sinless person the church describe him as but for sure a great person to look up too right . So I don't know maybe he's the light bearer, Lucifer ? He's the representation of the good and compassion in humanity compared to the self cantered power hungry side we also inherit from God . The Ying and Yang we all have in ourselves .
Now if what I'm saying has merit or some truth in it , how does it effect me , not like I'm Lucifer or anything right ?
Well even though I don't know who or what I really am , and even though I may not in anyway be involved , there's still a red pill blue pill scenario . There's no more peace of mind knowing that I'll go to heaven if I'm good to my neighbours , or my good deeds outweigh the sins or whatever . For anyone who's not into that ideology , there's still no Rest in Piece .
Ok for me it does go a step further ...
When I had social anxiety in 2017 I was took to a psychiatrist who prescribed me a low dose of antipsychotics meds and anti depressants . Even though I had no idea of what their effects would be , my instincts screamed at me to stay away and after a night of arguing with my parents about that we came to the agreement that I had to get out of the house everyday and do something , which I agreed to . I decided to bounce back from laziness and the " find a permanent work from home where i can escape from the rat race" mentality . Also staying up all night watching movies and shows
So yeah I found an internship in Marketing and decided to join some youth fellowship to make new friends cause I guess I've never been the atheist type even though I had previously stopped going to church. Even started getting back to church hoping God would help me get through the struggles of reintegrating back into society . Also like to point out that at the time I still had selective friends I enjoyed goofing around with from time to time . Still had that spark of magic in life . Just needed time to smoothen out the rough edges caused by some period of "isolation" if you can call it that
Yet despite seeing me in good moods back then , and probably they could see the spark of hope in me after coming from work , my parents would try to get me to confess in a way my social anxiety, the instances where I felt judged or overwhelmed by people's energies around me.
Didn't think much of it but it seemed that reality was getting progressively mad at me . I'd get weird looks from people around me for no reason , one time was on a ferry alone minding my business and some guy decided to inspect me with an angry weird look . Also the forced coughs I'd get from people . I'd think like what am I doing wrong to trigger so many random "eqq hemmms" around me
This is where it starts getting weird though. I 've always been a fan of rock music, the foo fighters , nirvana , some Linkin Park (back then I wasnt as invested as I am now , Just liked the tune and vibe the songs gave) . And one day on Facebook I saw a post about the new foo fighters album .
Hell Yeah ! I listened to The Sky is a Neighbourhood first . Which felt like it was made for my Dyspraxia and possible undiagnosed ADD . The beat was so cool , I just couldn't get enough of it
Then at one point the lyrics started hitting . Especially the part where he says
Mind is a battlefield
All hope is gone
Trouble to the right and left
Whose side you're on?
Thoughts like a minefield
I'm a ticking bomb
Maybe you should watch your step
Don't get lost
Remember this is when church, god,jesus = good , devil, satan , lucifer ... = bad
So I saw the video and if you pause it in the first part of the lyrics , surely enough there's a picture of Tesla on the right , and Jesus on the left , which my brain associated with Church and Science
That's pretty freaky , so I saw the rest of the songs
the song Run starts with a man in an elderly nursery being given pills by a pretty evil smiley nurse . The guy throws them away in anger . The video is pretty funny . Bunch of old people vibing to rock music causing chaos in the chapel and escaping
Although what I got from the video again is Satanism = bad , and for some fucking reason , there are subtle messages in songs trying to convince me otherwise . I didn't pay much attention to the lyrics other than sounding intimidating when he yells . Though looking back now the lyrics weren't so bad after all :
Wake up
Run for your life with me
Wake up
Run for your life with me
In another perfect life
In another perfect light
We run
We run
We run
Anyway there's Sunday Rain, Happy ever after , La Dee Da . Lyrics in order be like ... (Also would like to add that was pretty invested in superhero shows at the time and had a crush on an actress which is probably the only person i followed on insta back then . These details will also add up to the story)
You say I take it for granted
I say you've taken it all
Say you can take it or leave it
You got your head in the ceiling
When are you gonna come down?
When you're that high, can you feel it?
Don't leave me drowning in your Sunday rain
It's right down the drain, I go
Don't leave me drowning in your Sunday rain
It's always a shame, oh, no
You wanna tell me a secret
You think I'm gonna find out
You tell the lie, you should keep it
Don't wanna know where it's leading
Don't want to follow you 'round
My first mistake was believing
.................................................................................
Hate!
If I want to
Love!
Who I like
Hate!
If I want to
Psychic Television and Death in June
Jim Jones painting in a blue bedroom (Jim Jones a religious corrupt leader )
Hate!
If I want to
Keep your pretty promise to yourself (and I swear I could remember a verse from that song officially being - keep your pretty crosses to yourself ! )
..............................................................................
Where is your Shangri la now?
Where is your Shangri la now?
Counting down to zero hour
There ain't no superheroes now
There ain't no superheroes, they're underground
Happy ever after
Counting down to zero hour
And there's The Line , which seems like a cry for help for me to realise that something is going on and I had to do something about it . Of coarse my judgment was too clouded from shock to actually take it in :
Yes or no?
What is truth
But a dirty black cloud coming out of the blue?
I was wrong
I was right
I'm a blood moon born in the dead of night
Break my bones
I don't care
All I ever wanted was a body to share
Heart's gone cold
Brush ran dry
Satellite searching for a sign of life
Like you
Somewhere?
Are you there?
The tears in your eyes
Someday will dry
We fight for our lives
Cause everything's on the line
This time
Listen close
I can't hide
I'm a page torn from a broken spine (my mom had a serious back injury some year before . Don't really see a connection here , but still )
Sun gets low
I get high
Satellite searching for a sign of life
Like you
So anyway by this time I was flipping out and was about to write a message to the band explaining my beliefs at the time on how God is good, demons are bad theyre harming people , left side is actually the right way , please let me have it
So Same day the celebrity insta post came out with a left arrow captioned "Land of Make Belief"
Alright after all this , I felt I had to spill the beans , protect my family at all costs , even if it meant sounding totally insane while explaining the whole thing , So I did , and when I tell you I experienced the worst level of gaslighting and manipulation from the whole family , I'm just not messing around . I was like hell they must be monitoring me from the technology, how else would they be so quick to correspond with me ? Its like I still tried to be as realistic and grounded as possible. Telepathy couldn't have been it so NSA shit was the most reasonable thing . I was like turn off everything i gotta talk to you this is serious ! . I explained to them all the coincidences , showed them the post the lyrics. My mom was like , everyone gather round you need the hear this but it felt as a means to gain evidence of my insanity rather than out of concern . Anyway so she would dismiss every thing I would say like why would they target you , your being very paranoid , ( very similar to the part in the truman show when everyone was acting out after truman was questioning reality)
It seemed off but still they're my family , I owed them my life . Anyway another post came out from the celeb captioned - Never Complain , Never Explain !
The next day my family just had an intervention , They literally gave me 0 choice on the med situation . They surrounded me . I remember crying out to them like what the hell , you cant do this .... But still no empathy from them . Their mission was to make me swallow that stuff. So my dad came up with the med in his hand and as me made me put it in my mouth he'd carefully stare at me . I wanted more time , but that was no option , there was nothing to think about . So after a million taught in my head I was like fuck it I do need time and somehow managed to sneak in the pill in the top of my lips . My dad still was persistent in checking under my tounge .When I went to my room stared at the pill , My instincts ( not voices . Just inner taughts , monologue ) were like , dont take it , we're gonna lie through our teeth through this , don't take the pill ! . I just went against that. I had to take it atleast one time . So that atleast id know what to say to the psyc without being caught in a lie .
Nothing much happened except a kind of battle with my taught process of this must be in my head to how the hell is it in my head with so much consistency in the story !
Anyway the day after went to the fellowship and this guy I met would say like Ohh I got big problems in my household . I just like to walk walk walk it off . Ok cool I guess. Now at the time for some reason I still believed that some strangers from hollywood were targeting me , So I just wrote all the relevant lyrics in some paper , and wanted to somehow make contact to the bishop. I went out to this church that had a connection with him I think . Anyway didn't get me far , so went home and thats where things just popped . My mom was like standing there with a malicious smile saying heey where you went , .... walk walk walk .... What thee ..... That's where she invaded my brain with her voice telepathically . Its where reality really got outa hand . It started from Im somehow caught up in the most realistic conspiracy I could think accept at the time to my mom is a supernatural creature ? . Mind you they are the most religious people around. They go to church every day . pray alot , theyre super devoted .
So yeah I just couldn't believe that my loving and open minded parents (despite their religious beliefs) could be like that. So I tried to read some exorcism rite to her . It just made her smile more like it was actually empowering her more than anything . I just told her its a nice prayer, and tried to press the cross she wears . She just kept smiling saying such a beutiful prayer , read it to yourself ... something along those lines
I dont know, my brain was still under attack and i was too afraid to go through the original plan my instinct had in store for me . I just took the pills when given to me . Just wanted to sleep it off . Didnt want to face reality
Somewhere along the experience the celebrity posted a post with It was all a dream caption
Anyway somewhere I realised that somehow Chester Benningthon from Linkin Park is also involved in the story . Lyrics from the latest Linkin Park Album also came out from 2017
Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?
Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?
We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep
There are things that we can have, but can't keep
If they say
Who cares if one more light goes out?
In a sky of a million stars
It flickers, flickers
Who cares when someone's time runs out?
If a moment is all we are
We're quicker, quicker
Who cares if one more light goes out?
Well I do
.........................................................................
I'm dancing with my demons
I'm hanging off the edge
Storm clouds gather beneath me
Waves break above my head
Headfirst hallucination
I wanna fall wide awake now
You tell me it's alright
Tell me I'm forgiven, tonight
But nobody can save me now
I'm holding up a light
I'm chasing out the darkness inside
'Cause nobody can save me
Stared into this illusion
For answers yet to come
I chose a false solution
But nobody proved me wrong, no
..........................................................................
So say goodbye and hit the road
Pack it up and disappear
You better have some place to go
'Cause you can't come back around here
Good goodbye
(Don't you come back no more)
Live from the rhythm, it's
Something wild, venomous
Enemies trying to read me
You're all looking highly illiterate
Blindly forgetting if I'm in the mix
You won't find an equivalent
I've been here killing it
Longer than you've been alive, you idiot
.....................................................................
I got a long way to go
And a long memory
I've been searching for an answer
Always just out of reach
Blood on the floor
Sirens repeat
I've been searching for the courage
To face my enemies
When they turn down the lights
I hear my battle symphony
All the world in front of me
If my armor breaks
I'll fuse it back together
Battle symphony
Please just don't give up on me
And my eyes are wide awake
So yeah somewhere I starting suspecting that it wasnt just his presence. It was much more
That was realised after not a long time of consistant meds being shoved down my throat
I could feel the lack of humbleness and wisdom from Chester and Chris , the intensity and raw emotion of Kurt Cobain , The humour, positivity and compassion from Robin Williams, maybe also mild femininity traits from deceased female celebrities (nothing major hard to explain but like wow dude looks great, can totally see how women are into him .... ). Of coarse if this is the case then my ancestors, grandparents must have played a role. Of coarse the intense empathy levels that came from all of them combined . I just became a zombie. I couldnt feel , think , relate to anyone anymore , be positive , joke around , explain myself , vibe , enjoy the music ..... nothing
Anyway fast forward to now , the psychiatrist did gradually reduce my meds and change the prescription to more dopamine and serotonin friendly drugs rather than the killing the hormone of happiness and pleasure .
I am feeling better . More emotions , more taught , more creativity , empathy ,compassion. Pretty much how I was before but less intensely . I learned how to carefully speak with my psychiatrist . Like yeah I was delusional but still believe it might be possible that I was stuck in a supernatural experience. Who knows , or my mind playing tricks . Its all possible. Im not gonna dismiss a whole experience. Split my mind into sections. One where I dont dismiss any possible scenario, and one into getting on with life ..... That seems to work . Also no visuals or hearing voices which is true ....
So yeah to this day I still dont know what my faith is . Where I am , who I am ( to be clear I dont think im lucifer , maybe had a part in this spiritual warfare , and failed at it big time in every step of the way . And still a possibility that my afterlife will be torment . At this point I dont even care, or maybe im procrastinating the severity of that situation . I just wanna know that I didn't mess it up for you guys or Chester , Chris , Kurt all the pure souls out there
Anyway if you don't like illogical thinking and conspiracies, yet read the whole thing . I'm sorry , You have every right to think Im completely out of my mind . No hard feelings at all.
But yea if you were in my shoes now , what mentality would you hold on to ? Like the best way to keep moving forward ?
Thanks so much for reading this far btw . Stay positive guys . I really believe there's hope for everyone while trying to cling on a possibility of hope for me .
