Preparing a letter before CTB (please help me)

[littleraccoon3]

First of all, I'm sorry for my English, I may make a few mistakes.
When I try to prepare my CTB letter, when it is my mother's turn, I go into incredible crying fits, especially my mother is the most wonderful person you could ever meet in the world, I was truly her only support during all these years of misery and suffering, even though I didn't care for her, she loved me, she still does, she always told me 'you are my only asset in this life' and still tells me when a part of me is hurting, she still suffers incredibly when I am hurt. She has always been relaxed during my personal ups and downs, even when my room was unusable and in a situation that a person could not live in, she never said a word, she made me food when I was hungry at 5 am, she never raised her voice to me. I know she gave me the last money in her pocket and walked to her destination and thousands of things I can't count are going through my head, now just for financial reasons, she will make this woman go through this pain and it pains me incredibly to be crushed under it. Even as I write this, I go into a crying fit but on the other hand, I can't make them suffer any more in debt, they are both really sick and I can't stand them suffering because of my debts. 8000 thousand euros is someone else's dinner but it costs me my life and takes away my family's only child from this life. Please give me some advice. I always leave my letter halfway and have to postpone it just for these reasons.

 

[dontlook]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much your mother sounds so kind and loving, I'm glad you've been able to get that from her

Are the debts the only reason you're commiting? Not to pry but do you want to talk about it?

I don't have a lot of good advice for how to get past being able to write the rest, but I wanted to send support

 

[TheHolySword]

Writing a letter can be incredibly difficult, I understand your situation so well. I am so glad that you have such a strong support in your mother, she sounds so wonderful. There's never an easy way to write something like this, there's no easy way to get through it. I have yet to finish my letters and everything else that I want to do, it's so hard to accomplish without crying. I wish I had advice for you, all I can say is make sure to tell your mother how much you love her and assure her that it was not her fault; it was your choice and yours alone. If you would like to talk about this further or about your mother or your circumstances, please feel free to

 

[littleraccoon3]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much your mother sounds so kind and loving, I'm glad you've been able to get that from her

Are the debts the only reason you're commiting? Not to pry but do you want to talk about it?

I don't have a lot of good advice for how to get past being able to write the rest, but I wanted to send support

Thank you very much for being with me right now. I live in a country in the Middle East. My mother was hospitalized for 1 month at the beginning of this year and was paralyzed for 2 months. During this time, I had to take care of her because I was the only child in the family. I lost my job. I started spending the expenses of the house, food and medicine on my credit cards. Then, 4 months later, my father had a heart attack and 3 stents were inserted. Now my credit card limits are completely full. I haven't been living in my family's house since I thought of CTB and my parents rented out my room due to financial difficulties. Now I can't come to them and tell them about my debt that they will never be able to pay. They don't even know that I am unemployed right now. That's why my only call is CTB.

 

[dontlook]

I may not be understanding, so forgive me if not. But I know many families who would be grateful for you taking so much care for your mother. It sounds like their health is a large factor in why you're in debt, so do you think that would understand and appreciate that and be willing to take you back in even if it meant sleeping in the couch for a while?

Are you sure killing yourself is what you truly want?

 

[LostLily]

Honestly, considering you did all that for them they would understand why you are in debt.

 

[littleraccoon3]

I may not be understanding, so forgive me if not. But I know many families who would be grateful for you taking so much care for your mother. It sounds like their health is a large factor in why you're in debt, so do you think that would understand and appreciate that and be willing to take you back in even if it meant sleeping in the couch for a while?

Are you sure killing yourself is what you truly want?

I know you are asking because you are trying to understand. My mother and father are incredibly grateful to me, they do not know that I am currently unemployed and in debt. If I wanted to return home today, they would be happy to accept it. My mother wants me to return every time we talk on the phone. But if I return, the banks will start coming to the house in 10 days for foreclosure and will take my family's belongings and since the debt cannot be paid, they will eventually take the house. I cannot tolerate 2 old people becoming homeless because of me and if the bank takes the house due to the incredible inflation in my country, we will never be able to buy the new house and misery will now seriously become survival. I would rather die than put them through this than have this happen to me. Otherwise, I am a woman who loves life.

 

[dontlook]

I know you are asking because you are trying to understand. My mother and father are incredibly grateful to me, they do not know that I am currently unemployed and in debt. If I wanted to return home today, they would be happy to accept it. My mother wants me to return every time we talk on the phone. But if I return, the banks will start coming to the house in 10 days for foreclosure and will take my family's belongings and since the debt cannot be paid, they will eventually take the house. I cannot tolerate 2 old people becoming homeless because of me and if the bank takes the house due to the incredible inflation in my country, we will never be able to buy the new house and misery will now seriously become survival. I would rather die than put them through this than have this happen to me. Otherwise, I am a woman who loves life.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you don't deserve this and I wish I knew more to be able to help, you've always been so kind when I see you around the forum

Like @TheHolySword said, just make sure to remind them of your love

 

[LostLily]

if the debt is in your name, why would they take your parents's house?

 

[littleraccoon3]

if the debt is in your name, why would they take your parents's house?

According to the laws in my country, the house you live in is subject to foreclosure. Since it's a family, the damn banks can put the house up for sale because they know I live there. That's the fucking middle east

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@TheHolySword'un dediği gibi, onlara sevginizi hatırlatmayı unutmayın

I really wanted to live this life to the fullest. I still do. I go out every day and look for a loan. I tried sex work once or twice and got cheated on. I wish my inbox would open so I could talk to you. I feel better now than when I started the topic. I guess since CTB is not an existential choice for me, I guess it's normal for me to have ups and downs. I support being nice and kind to people no matter what, I like to help as much as I can because even if we don't know each other or see each other, our tears taste the same.

Writing a letter can be incredibly difficult, I understand your situation so well. I am so glad that you have such a strong support in your mother, she sounds so wonderful. There's never an easy way to write something like this, there's no easy way to get through it. I have yet to finish my letters and everything else that I want to do, it's so hard to accomplish without crying. I wish I had advice for you, all I can say is make sure to tell your mother how much you love her and assure her that it was not her fault; it was your choice and yours alone. If you would like to talk about this further or about your mother or your circumstances, please feel free to

Thank you for your message. Every time we talk to my mom on the phone, I talk to her as if it were our last. I try to tell her everything I couldn't say until now. I'm thinking of going to my family for a week before CTB and trying to fit the time I couldn't spend with them into a week. And I'll say in my letter that I'm doing this for an existential reason. I'm having a hard time just writing about how perfect my family is and my tears are flowing and I want to burst into tears and go to my family and hug them.