iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 139
my grandma is gonna pass soon, and i'm in a really bad place. Its especially bad this time around because my conditions are getting worse (hppd, derealization/dissociation disorders) but the worst of it is my ptsd which has turned nearly everyday into a fight for stability and the constant anxiety i feel is naturally defined by death and my fear of it (respite simultaneously craving it.) i have panic attacks daily, my body is extremely uncomfortable and painful to be in and i have not been able to 'untense' my body since 2021, and every fucking night because of it i just spend hours trying to sleep and failing and being reminded about how fucking alone i am in this world. I think about my grandmother and i think about her dying and i think about how I've spent everyday since turning 7 years old completely blocking any attempt at meaningful interaction between me and my immediate family and I think about how even if i wanted to be i am no longer capable of even approximating interactions like that. I think about her dying and i think about how she'll be alone the same way everyone is when they have to go and one day i will have to experience that on my own as well. But i don't have anything to look back on besides how separated i am from the earth. Theres just always been this giant fucking chasm between me and mankind and i dont think i can handle my grandma passing because ill have to acknowledge i did not bond with her and that she has to go through this terrifying thing on her own. I dont wanna die the way i think im gonna die. I dont want to go alone i don't want to be in pain anymore i feel like when she goes i will literally relapse and become psychotic again and im so terrified of that happening that i cant sleep
