Yeah, I tried. They said ctb is wrong and I should get a life. Ok. I got a job. They say "we dont have salary to give you, so you will get something like $50 a month". It is a teaching job. I teach English. I said ok. Better than unemployment, and also according to pro life bullshit, "good things come to those who wait and not give up". Ok. I teach using traditional ways - focusing on grammar and vocabulary - they blame me for "boring" lessons. Ok. I add new elements to my class, like listening to music, reading, talking about English culture, me downloading videos from youtube and watching them together at class (just in case there is no wifi suddenly and I cant access YouTube), and everyone ENJOYS - staff blames me that "I turn classes into games. Classes are supposed to be very traditional". Of course, months have already passed and noone paid me one dollar. They simply avoid me and pray to God I won't raise subject of getting my 50$ salary. So far, I also stay silent - just to see how pathetic they can be to not pay my $50 a month salary (I teach almost all days a week, each class almost 120 minutes, I even bring my own laptop to work - no teacher here does this).
I feel angry and suicidal. According to pro-life BS, I should ask for help when I feel suicidal. I openly let some people know I feel angry and suicidal. They acknowledge and tell me "Yes its hard. Please stop complaining. Just find a way to adapt". That is it. If I kindly ask for help because their useless advice didnt help me, they dont take me seriously and tell me to shut up. If I get really angry, they become dramatic and tell me that I dont have suicidal thoughts, I just use topic of suicide to blackmail them, to manipulate them to do whatever I want. Wow. So much for getting help. So much for reaching out.
I went to doctor too. One of them said "look you dont have suicidal thoughts. You just want to be married". Another one was more cautious, she gave me some medications, because she already saw one of her patients kill himself. At least, she tried to help me in a genuine way, so I will always remember this doctor. But my life ... getting angry every day... medications helped me, but after stopping them I just get angry every day, so their calming effect eventually disappears. No matter what I do, people blame me. If I listen to their problems after they blame me for "you always complain but never listen to others", they blame me for "we started talking and now we feel very bad, because we remembered every bad thing that happened in our lives. You dont listen to us, you make us remember every shit we had". I mean no matter what I do, someone is going to be angry at me! Of course, not all people are like this, but unfortunately they are majority
Fast forward to today
These days, weather temperature is 19 Celsius at midday, 10-12 Celsius at night (I dont know temperature at sea). But after a few days, air temperature will at least drop for a few days: daytime temperature: 10C, nighttime 5C.
So... My method was to choke myself by swallowing napkins and blocking airways by plastic bag method at the same time while I am inside cold sea water. Like... Hold some napkins inside mouth, cover mouth and nose with plastic bag/duct tape, and then when I have courage, swallow napkins. This way, even after swallowing them still allows some air to pass through throat (partial obstruction), covered mouth/nose will still not allow any air to enter my throat! And even if I end up saving myself, I may lose consciousness and fall down into sea, thus drowned. Or, even if I remove duct tapes, don't swallow anything and run away from sea and go to land, hypothermia will kill me, because unlike today's 19C air temperature, air temperature will be 5C that day. Cold air will prevent me from getting warmer
I know that even if air temperature is 5C, water temperature will probably be higher, like 8C. But looking at this graph, in the worst case, I will need about 3 hours to hypothermia kill me. Inside wilderness, at night, nearest hospital far away, I am sure I won't be found at least until its morning the next day
I know this can't just fail. Heck, I even think that I should bring with myself some large knife, and hit my throat as hard as I can, inside sea. By collapsing into sea, sea will make it much harder for others to find me + sea will have its own hypothermia effect. I am sure I will sever at least jugular veins around carotid artery, if not carotid artery itself. I heard that deeper veins around carotid artery are also very important. Although ctb not as quick as carotid artery cut, severing them will still be very dangerous.
If I hit them and end up paralyzing my nerves/blind myself due to some important nerve getting cut, I will still fall into sea and bleed heavily
I just cant anymore. Please, wish me luck. Please. If I stay alive and once again do nothing, my life will only get worse.
I am in my 20s, but my cholesterol level is already 140. Yes, 140. Normal range must be up to 100. Dangerous range starts from 190. Even if I live, probably after ten days, with such anger triggering bad chemicals, my levels will rise to dangerous one and I will have a stroke!
Please, support me with words, with your emotional support I can finally get over my guilt and ctb. Living like this will be very dangerous for me.
I feel angry and suicidal. According to pro-life BS, I should ask for help when I feel suicidal. I openly let some people know I feel angry and suicidal. They acknowledge and tell me "Yes its hard. Please stop complaining. Just find a way to adapt". That is it. If I kindly ask for help because their useless advice didnt help me, they dont take me seriously and tell me to shut up. If I get really angry, they become dramatic and tell me that I dont have suicidal thoughts, I just use topic of suicide to blackmail them, to manipulate them to do whatever I want. Wow. So much for getting help. So much for reaching out.
I went to doctor too. One of them said "look you dont have suicidal thoughts. You just want to be married". Another one was more cautious, she gave me some medications, because she already saw one of her patients kill himself. At least, she tried to help me in a genuine way, so I will always remember this doctor. But my life ... getting angry every day... medications helped me, but after stopping them I just get angry every day, so their calming effect eventually disappears. No matter what I do, people blame me. If I listen to their problems after they blame me for "you always complain but never listen to others", they blame me for "we started talking and now we feel very bad, because we remembered every bad thing that happened in our lives. You dont listen to us, you make us remember every shit we had". I mean no matter what I do, someone is going to be angry at me! Of course, not all people are like this, but unfortunately they are majority
Fast forward to today
These days, weather temperature is 19 Celsius at midday, 10-12 Celsius at night (I dont know temperature at sea). But after a few days, air temperature will at least drop for a few days: daytime temperature: 10C, nighttime 5C.
So... My method was to choke myself by swallowing napkins and blocking airways by plastic bag method at the same time while I am inside cold sea water. Like... Hold some napkins inside mouth, cover mouth and nose with plastic bag/duct tape, and then when I have courage, swallow napkins. This way, even after swallowing them still allows some air to pass through throat (partial obstruction), covered mouth/nose will still not allow any air to enter my throat! And even if I end up saving myself, I may lose consciousness and fall down into sea, thus drowned. Or, even if I remove duct tapes, don't swallow anything and run away from sea and go to land, hypothermia will kill me, because unlike today's 19C air temperature, air temperature will be 5C that day. Cold air will prevent me from getting warmer
I know that even if air temperature is 5C, water temperature will probably be higher, like 8C. But looking at this graph, in the worst case, I will need about 3 hours to hypothermia kill me. Inside wilderness, at night, nearest hospital far away, I am sure I won't be found at least until its morning the next day
I know this can't just fail. Heck, I even think that I should bring with myself some large knife, and hit my throat as hard as I can, inside sea. By collapsing into sea, sea will make it much harder for others to find me + sea will have its own hypothermia effect. I am sure I will sever at least jugular veins around carotid artery, if not carotid artery itself. I heard that deeper veins around carotid artery are also very important. Although ctb not as quick as carotid artery cut, severing them will still be very dangerous.
If I hit them and end up paralyzing my nerves/blind myself due to some important nerve getting cut, I will still fall into sea and bleed heavily
I just cant anymore. Please, wish me luck. Please. If I stay alive and once again do nothing, my life will only get worse.
I am in my 20s, but my cholesterol level is already 140. Yes, 140. Normal range must be up to 100. Dangerous range starts from 190. Even if I live, probably after ten days, with such anger triggering bad chemicals, my levels will rise to dangerous one and I will have a stroke!
Please, support me with words, with your emotional support I can finally get over my guilt and ctb. Living like this will be very dangerous for me.
Last edited:
