Help promised my wife i wont attempt suicide again. now i feel like im in eternal hell

[Donk]

just got discharged from the hospital for attempting ctb. scared the shit out of my wife and i promised her i wont try it again. now i feel like im stuck in this hell call life. im taking 100mg of prestiqe for mdd and 2.75 mg of clonazapam for anxiety. ive been taking it for 2 months and still have mdd. how do i get through this? i cant go through pain the rest of my life.

 

[dusty boots]

Your wife seems to love you and doesn't want you to go.

What do you think will happen if you try again and fail? Will your wife leave you?

What is going on in your life that makes it hell?

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear what's going on with your life. You're lucky your wife stayed with you, shows she has empathy which is good. My ex broke up with me the next day...she was a sociopath and had zero empathy at times.
I hope things improve for you!
Peace/hugs

 

[suicidalaspiefemale]

She loves you, man. try to hold on.

 

[GinaIsReady]

What method did you use? Why did the attempt fail? Would love to hear about it.

 

[Donk]

Your wife seems to love you and doesn't want you to go.

What do you think will happen if you try again and fail? Will your wife leave you?

What is going on in your life that makes it hell?

i was hospitalized for 2 mo and was discharged. 2 days later i tried to hang myself. the meds he prescribed made me feel worst than before. i feel hopeless at this point. i asked the doc if i can try new meds and refuses. on top of that he made me feel like it was my fault and was not empathetic at all. im not in the position to return to work. i feel like my mdd and anxiety has gotten no better. i feel bad for putting the burden on my wife. she has been very supportive of me. im not in the condition to go back to work. i felt like staying in the hospital was such a waste of time. i feel very hopeless and i wish i could try ctb again but i dont want to hurt my wife. i dont know what to do at this point.......i feel useless...

 

[Dead beat dad]

Brother I feel your pain. It may no assuage the hell you're in but your wife appears to love you and wants help you through this.
It must have been very hard and you've probably got more strength than you realise to have endured what you've been through.
What type of discussions are you having with your wife?
In the dark place you're in is there something you could define that would look something like 'recovery?'
Love and respect to you my brother I hope that one way or another you suffering eases and some light finds you.
DBD

 

[Donk]

What method did you use? Why did the attempt fail? Would love to hear about it.

partial hanging. couldnt find the sweet spot. all i felt was blood going into my head. i did not pass out as expected. i had rope marks around my neck so my wife would have found out anyways had i not gone to the hospital.

 

[Ryuk]

My ex broke up with me and said he couldnt deal with my mental health issues and couldnt plan a future with a suicidal person due to the uncertainties. He also said im a liability.... your wife seems to care about you!

 

[Donk]

thanks everyone for your kind words. i hope the future will be brighter for all of us during our recovery.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What is mdd?

 

[s1mplem3]

How about your wife, is she supportive?

 

[dusty boots]

What is mdd?

Major Depressive Disorder?

 

[Dear Flabby]

thanks everyone for your kind words. i hope the future will be brighter for all of us during our recovery.

My husband (married 30 years) supports me through all my ups and downs. By now he is very exhausted and detached. But obligated, because:
I don't qualify for disability payments because he has a good job, and so this means that the government has put him in charge of my economic well being. This is humiliating and I hope that you live in a place that has experienced the 20th century:)
I must go ask him for a zucchini now. Cooking helps my bright recovery.

 

[Steamm]

partial hanging. couldnt find the sweet spot. all i felt was blood going into my head. i did not pass out as expected. i had rope marks around my neck so my wife would have found out anyways had i not gone to the hospital.

You didn't pass out and yet she founds out? How? DId you tell her?

 

[Donk]

Major Depressive Disorder?

correct

You didn't pass out and yet she founds out? How? DId you tell her?

yeah i told her. figure she would find out anyways with marks around my neck

How about your wife, is she supportive?

luckily my wife has been very supportive of me.

 

[nerve]

I'm so glad your wife "gets it" in at least some way. A lot of people are mentioning that (and for good reason), but sometimes you see folks who are suffering and they lash out at whoever's closest, whether they deserve it or not, and that doesn't seem to be you here. That says something about you.

As far as the practical stuff you're talking about, two months isn't really that long for an SNRI like Pristiq. Doctors like to say it takes 6 - 8 weeks to get the full effect but that's assuming you get the right drug and right dosage on the first shot. I was on 100mg Pristiq until recently. My doctor said that was the maximum dose and switched me to something else, but I also hear 400mg as the max. How many other meds have you tried? Did your hospital schedule any follow-up appointments for after discharge? I don't know much about your situation so I don't want to assume anything and ask a dumb question.

That being said, I can't fault anyone with this disease who feels it's too painful to go on, has exhausted all practical options, and chooses to end their life. I don't know how long you've been fighting, but based on what you say about your wife, she wants you to keep trying. In a weird way, when I think of the people in my own life like that, it feels like I kinda owe it to them to keep going. Not like guilt trippy "how dare you even think of killing yourself" but more like "if they haven't given up on me yet, I can put off giving up on myself for another day." Maybe one day I won't be able to put it off anymore or those people will give up on me, but it's not today.

 

[Donk]

I'm so glad your wife "gets it" in at least some way. A lot of people are mentioning that (and for good reason), but sometimes you see folks who are suffering and they lash out at whoever's closest, whether they deserve it or not, and that doesn't seem to be you here. That says something about you.

As far as the practical stuff you're talking about, two months isn't really that long for an SNRI like Pristiq. Doctors like to say it takes 6 - 8 weeks to get the full effect but that's assuming you get the right drug and right dosage on the first shot. I was on 100mg Pristiq until recently. My doctor said that was the maximum dose and switched me to something else, but I also hear 400mg as the max. How many other meds have you tried? Did your hospital schedule any follow-up appointments for after discharge? I don't know much about your situation so I don't want to assume anything and ask a dumb question.

That being said, I can't fault anyone with this disease who feels it's too painful to go on, has exhausted all practical options, and chooses to end their life. I don't know how long you've been fighting, but based on what you say about your wife, she wants you to keep trying. In a weird way, when I think of the people in my own life like that, it feels like I kinda owe it to them to keep going. Not like guilt trippy "how dare you even think of killing yourself" but more like "if they haven't given up on me yet, I can put off giving up on myself for another day." Maybe one day I won't be able to put it off anymore or those people will give up on me, but it's not today.

one of the major obstacle im facing is getting the doctor to try a new med. i keep telling him its not working but he told me there are no other options. this is after i told him i attempted to ctb. he told me there are no other meds that can help me. i dont understand why he is so stubborn. i have a follow up appointment on mar 11. if he refuses to prescribe me other meds i will have no choice but to switch psych. i was on celexa for 10 yrs and it stopped working. the only reason im still with my current psych is because i rely on him to fill out my disability forum.

 

[Jean4]

one of the major obstacle im facing is getting the doctor to try a new med. i keep telling him its not working but he told me there are no other options. this is after i told him i attempted to ctb. he told me there are no other meds that can help me. i dont understand why he is so stubborn. i have a follow up appointment on mar 11. if he refuses to prescribe me other meds i will have no choice but to switch psych. i was on celexa for 10 yrs and it stopped working. the only reason im still with my current psych is because i rely on him to fill out my disability forum.

Can I ask your diagnosis? If you are on a med for 10 years and it stopped working (which is normal) I have never heard of a doctor say there are no other meds on the market for you to try. You don't need to be a doctor to see how insane that sounds.

I would find another doctor.

 

[Final Escape]

just got discharged from the hospital for attempting ctb. scared the shit out of my wife and i promised her i wont try it again. now i feel like im stuck in this hell call life. im taking 100mg of prestiqe for mdd and 2.75 mg of clonazapam for anxiety. ive been taking it for 2 months and still have mdd. how do i get through this? i cant go through pain the rest of my life.

Meds often don't work because the reasons life sucks can't be fixed by a pill. It's like they give us pills to try to get us to perceive our shitty reality as better than it actually is to make it more tolerable lol! Oh and make sure u kill off the sex drive cause we can't have people distracted from work bc they want to have sex sometimes lol!

 

[nerve]

one of the major obstacle im facing is getting the doctor to try a new med. i keep telling him its not working but he told me there are no other options. this is after i told him i attempted to ctb. he told me there are no other meds that can help me. i dont understand why he is so stubborn. i have a follow up appointment on mar 11. if he refuses to prescribe me other meds i will have no choice but to switch psych. i was on celexa for 10 yrs and it stopped working. the only reason im still with my current psych is because i rely on him to fill out my disability forum.

I have literally no idea what your doctor means by saying there aren't other meds to try. You're right to be confused or feel like something is off here. Off the top of my head, I know that Effexor is almost identical to Pristiq on a molecular level and there's no reason why someone who's tried one can't try the other. I have to wonder if he's doing some sort of backwards and totally fucked up / unethical ploy to "protect" your disability payments or something. Either way, he's wasting your time

If you have a primary care physician, that might be a good place to start as far as second opinions that won't have an impact on your disability payments. And if you got benefit out of Celexa for that long, that's actually a really good sign. Celexa (an SSRI) and Pristiq (an SNRI) aren't even in the same category of antidepressants, so there are still plenty of options to explore if you choose to not ctb.

 

[Donk]

Can I ask your diagnosis? If you are on a med for 10 years and it stopped working (which is normal) I have never heard of a doctor say there are no other meds on the market for you to try. You don't need to be a doctor to see how insane that sounds.

I would find another doctor.

major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder

 

[Jean4]

major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder

You have a common diagnosis, Celexa after 10 years no longer works and your doctor says there are no other medications which works for a common diagnosis.

Did the doctor say why, out of hundreds of medications, there is nothing you can take?

I use Wellbutrin. I had Bariatric Surgery and cannot take SSRI's. There are many others I can take.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

In relation to your thread title, I to have promised a loved one I won't try again, Now part stuck in hell from the pain of being stuck and part stuck in hell as I know I am lying as next time I refuse to fail.
Like your wife, mine has been very supportive, but I do wonder at what point is their breaking point? No matter where you are mentally every one must have one surely?
Until that point, take your wife's arms, let them wrap around you, take her care and love, and use it to help you through this hell, ride it out until you know where your path is going to lead you.

Meds often don't work because the reasons life sucks can't be fixed by a pill. It's like they give us pills to try to get us to perceive our shitty reality as better than it actually is to make it more tolerable lol! Oh and make sure u kill off the sex drive cause we can't have people distracted from work bc they want to have sex sometimes lol!

I believe meds are another mask and not a cure, covering issues that simply cannot be solved over night by those that think they know best!

I'm so glad your wife "gets it" in at least some way. A lot of people are mentioning that (and for good reason), but sometimes you see folks who are suffering and they lash out at whoever's closest, whether they deserve it or not, and that doesn't seem to be you here. That says something about you.

They do say you tend to hurt the one's you love the most as the trust and bond is unbreakable

 

[LittleJem]

If you haven't tried them, try the following. If you don't have the energy to do your own research, show a hit list to your wife so she can research them for you. You deserve the chance to try new medication that might help you better. Especially after you have both been through so much.

Lithium Carbonate - for suicidal thoughts this is the gold standard. I am currently on 250mg a day. It has quieted my suicidal thoughts and taken away my crying fits and I am just on day 4. I wouldn't say I am happy - until after 8pm when I feel better - but it is early days. It is definitely worth trying for being suicidal. I bought my own online. It is not safe in larger doses without monitoring of your blood levels, but my low dose is safe enough for now. I bought mine online from a reliable source - but I will be seeing a new psychiatrist at the beginning of April for a second opinion. I just can't tolerate my depression for anotehr day - so trying everything to treat it.

Lamictal can really help some people. It has to be titrated very slowly and monitored, as it can cause a fatal rash (which is rare but dangerous) but if it helps you, it can be amazing. I haven't tried that one yet. But there are very good reviews.

MAOIS - they can help when nothing else dose (you cannot combine them with your current medication, so you would need to switch). I have some luck with Selegiline plus DLPA. Moclobemide helped me for a while, but gave me constipation and I don't like it - though I have boxes of the stuff!!!!
Modafinil - in the UK you can buy this online. It can be very helpful for depression. It helps me get out of bed and go to work (and I am bedridden without it). YOu can look up reviews for Modafinil and depression - it has some good reviews.
Low dose Naltrexone - this I haven't tried yet, but I have it. It has some good reviews for depression
Tramadol - 50mg a day. On Drugs.Com it has 82 ten out of ten reviews for treatment resistant depression. I tried it, it only helped me for a day - but other people have more luck. Now I have boxes of the stuff doing nothing!
Tianeptine - this can be bought online. It is prescribed in Europe, though not in USA and UK. It has a different mechanism of action to other anti-ds
Ibuprofen-Coedine - this is a mood brightener. Do not use it every day - it can be addictive. I use it once in a while - though perhaps I should use it once a week. It definitely cheers me up. You can buy this OTC in UK.
Chromium (a supplement) - I have just heard of this. It has some good reviews for depression and could be worth you trying.
Amitryptiline could be worht a shot or other TCAs

There is a website you can order from in UK and Europe which is an online pharmacy and very reliable. It has a ton of Anti-Ds on there - you can look up their side effects and contraindications and test your way through them systematically. There is also a Russian pharma website. Phenibut is very very good for once a week or twice a week relief (it is addictive more than once or twice a week). It also has Etifoxine - which has some great reviews on Reddit. I haven't tried it yet, but I have ordered it. It also has Valdoxan, which can cause liver failure in 0.01 per cent of people, but is a prescription anti-d also called Agomelatine that psychiatrists do prescribe. A psychiatrist did say to me that liver failure is a very low risk with it - and it works in a different way to other Anti-Ds.

I can't share links, but if you have queries, you are welcome to PM me about any of the above or in general.

have you tried MJ - this can also be helpful for anxiety and for depression. It helped me for a while.

Perhaps you owe it to your loving wife to try a few more medications. I am doing this for my family. It sucks mightily, but it is worth a try. I am giving it a year more of enduring suffering.

Also, I have not tried this, but: "Buprenorphine is an opioid medication typically prescribed for treating opioid use disorder. However, literature supports its utility for treatment-resistant depression (1). ..." I have no idea how to source it, but perhaps it is another piece of hope.

I really hope some of this helps you - and I would definitely if I were you have a list of medications to try and work your way thorugh them systematically.

 

[Donk]

In relation to your thread title, I to have promised a loved one I won't try again, Now part stuck in hell from the pain of being stuck and part stuck in hell as I know I am lying as next time I refuse to fail.
Like your wife, mine has been very supportive, but I do wonder at what point is their breaking point? No matter where you are mentally every one must have one surely?

even if i try ctb again im not sure how i would do it. i was thinking about sn but im not sure where to get sn in canada. full suspension sounds too painful to me. i need something that would work 100%. i cant face my wife or family if i were to fail again.

 

[Donk]

i just ball my eyes out in front of my wife. i told her i couldnt take it anymore. she started crying as well. i dunno...i think im close to my breaking point...already ordered my sn...like is too hard...sorry for rambling