Venting Psyched myself up so much, suddenly today feeling like give up attempting

[waitin2go]

Pretty sure I'm not the only one who's done this, but yeah, just venting

Earlier this year I finally decided I was gonna actively attempt ctb fr after being passive since childhood. Sourced SN to ctb with because although night-night/partial suspension was tempting, I couldn't faint from practicing. As for SN method, I couldnt source of ANY of the other medications required in the protocol, and I didn't want to put myself through the system just to acquire them. Heck, I even prepared myself mentally to raw-dog it with just SN alone, planning to prepare adequate doses to re-dose to compensate for the purging (I'm no stranger to purging coz I love street food despite the risks) Venting about this because I wonder if it subconsciously contributed.

Anyway, for some reason I don't want to ctb anymore innately, and it came on so sudden.

For no reason too, and I'm so confused and lost, because I was so happy and had so much peace and clarity when I decided earlier this year and doing all the things in preparation

Is this subconscious SI? There's literally nothing that happened that could have influenced this (which is why I feel so lost and confused)

I recognise also that part of the confusion is the loss of peace and clarity from the decision to ctb and having uncertainty instead

But yeah just needed to vent, I'm so crushed and I don't understand why this is happening

Sorry for posting this here if it's more suited under recovery, but I also don't think I'm I'm actually in recovery. I'm just in a weird emotionless state rn.

I still would very much like to leave this life but I guess my subconscious SI slid me back into passivity :/

Edit: took some time to reflect, and realised that although I tried gaslighting myself to raw-dog SN without protocol, deep down I want a properly peaceful way to go :/ SN seems only peaceful with benzos and antiemetics, and hanging and CO with benzos too...

***********
(Sorry I took the meme off coz it may lead to me being recognised)

Anyway to end on a lighter note,

here are some songs off the top of my head that I was planning to ctb with:

 

[Mooncry]

I think subconscious SI likely is at play here. I remember back when I first ordered SN how excited and impatient I was for it to finally arrive, 100% sure I wanted to CTB at the first possible opportunity. But lo and behold, it arrived a couple months ago and I'm still here, and not for lack of opportunity.

I feel like I'm still too afraid—like I need to make peace with something first, but I'm not sure what, nor how I'm going to go about doing that once I figure out what it is. Needless to say, the process of committing to CTB has been a lot more complicated than I once thought, and I realize the thought of suicide is vastly different than the actual act.

EDIT: That meme is me but with guinea pigs instead of birds lol

 

[AreWeWinning]

Pretty sure I'm not the only one who's done this, but yeah, just venting

Earlier this year I finally decided I was gonna actively attempt ctb fr after being passive since childhood. Sourced SN to ctb with because although night-night/partial suspension was tempting, I couldn't faint from practicing. As for SN method, I couldnt source of ANY of the other medications required in the protocol, and I didn't want to put myself through the system just to acquire them. Heck, I even prepared myself mentally to raw-dog it with just SN alone, planning to prepare adequate doses to re-dose to compensate for the purging (I'm no stranger to purging coz I love street food despite the risks) Venting about this because I wonder if it subconsciously contributed.

Anyway, for some reason I don't want to ctb anymore innately, and it came on so sudden.

For no reason too, and I'm so confused and lost, because I was so happy and had so much peace and clarity when I decided earlier this year and doing all the things in preparation

Is this subconscious SI? There's literally nothing that happened that could have influenced this (which is why I feel so lost and confused)

I recognise also that part of the confusion is the loss of peace and clarity from the decision to ctb and having uncertainty instead

But yeah just needed to vent, I'm so crushed and I don't understand why this is happening

Sorry for posting this here if it's more suited under recovery, but I also don't think I'm I'm actually in recovery. I'm just in a weird state of zombified limbo.

I still would very much like to leave this life but I guess my subconscious SI slid me back into passivity :/

***********
(Sorry I took the meme off coz it may lead to me being recognised)

Anyway to end on a lighter note,

here are some songs off the top of my head that I was planning to ctb with:

I know what you mean... I have been going through these stages back and forth for ages. Wanting to do it --> Deciding to do it --> Suddenly overwhelmed by the 'beauty' of life and wanting to live --> repeat...

Right now, I feel like the 'waves' have just fizzled out, and I'm in a constant state where I just want to do it. I'm a bit scared, but I don't feel too emotional about it. There is some relief, but it doesn't feel euphoric. It's just there. I don't know what helped, or how I got here, but I know I did a lot of self-reflection and journalling, and have been thinking about it for quite a long time (years).

As for mindset, I think it involves some 'executive function' and skills for self-regulation. That sounded very technical... In common terms, we just need to push through it somehow, despite not really feeling it in the last moments. SI will always be there, and I can't imagine a situation where we really want to do it up to the final moments. Some people might get into such a mental state (I have seen comments about such experiences), but not me. I feel like I just have to (had to) finalise my decision and do it anyway, regardless of how I feel in the last moments. And I disagree with comments that say things like "it's ok to back out, it's not a failure". In my book, it is. If someone thinks like that, they'll never be able to do it, and that's not something I personally want. I want to make up my mind, plan it, and successfully do it, and not to fail.

But what do I know... I'm still here after all. I'm fairly sure I will do it, but right now, I'm still wasting time. I agree with @Mooncry that SI is very powerful, and our mind will do anything in order to prevent us from doing it. It can be sneaky, deceiving, and hard to recognise. This is probably an oversimplification, but once I've decided to do it, I tend to consider anything that might stop me to be a form of SI: procrastination, wanting to talk to people, backing out at the last moment, etc. A dangerous mindset.

As for the practical side of it, @gothbird had a good post about fighting SI — the best I have seen so far. But unfortunately, it got taken down. It was good to the point of being 'dangerous'.

By the way, your link doesn't work. If it's something interesting, can you repost it or send it to me in a PM, please?

 

[waitin2go]

for ages.

Omg T-T

Idk if I can relate, but I used to have cycles of hope and despair, (the hope was more of being delusional and/or gaslighting myself) and it's so exhausting, so in that sense I feel you

now it's just a constant state of apathy peppered with occasional joy here and there which isn't any better ig

As for mindset, I think it involves some 'executive function' and skills for self-regulation. we just need to push through it somehow, despite not really feeling it

For me tho is what is preventing me from being able to live fulfillingly too ig
If I could push myself to do those, maybe I could live better (then again I've read posts of high-functioning peeps who wanna ctb too so idk)

unfortunately, it got taken down. It was good to the point of being 'dangerous'.

Nuuuuu that's the resource that should be under the resource section T-T
Oh well :/

By the way, your link doesn't work. If it's something interesting, can you repost it or send it to me in a PM, please?

Sent! It's just a dumb meme of a very popular rhetoric, pretty sure most people have seen some variation of it, simple version of the cycle you described:

Wanting to do it --> Deciding to do it --> Suddenly overwhelmed by the 'beauty' of life and wanting to live

 

[bankai]

Yes, human beings are extremely complicated. It's OK to not want to do it anymore. You wanna do it I'm on your side.If you don't want to do it, I'm on your side.

Regardless, me and most people on the site will be with you throughout the process.We'll come up with the best plan and timing.

 

[Mooncry]

As for the practical side of it, @gothbird had a good post about fighting SI — the best I have seen so far. But unfortunately, it got taken down. It was good to the point of being 'dangerous'.

WHAT?! I was wondering where that post went… I had it bookmarked only to find out it'd disappeared and I didn't know why. That was a super great post, I'm so mad it got taken down. Mods were definitely wrong on that one imo. :/

 

[bankai]

WHAT?! I was wondering where that post went… I had it bookmarked only to find out it'd disappeared and I didn't know why. That was a super great post, I'm so mad it got taken down. Mods were definitely wrong on that one imo. :/

Please elaborate on that post. We need the information. Conveniently, most of the actual useful information is deleted

 

[Mooncry]

Please elaborate on that post. We need the information. Conveniently, most of the actual useful information is deleted

Honestly, it was such a long and thoroughly written post that I'd never be able to go over everything that was said. Maybe @gothbird could DM it privately to people who ask or something, but I wouldn't want to hassle them with it. I just don't see the logic in letting detailed method guides to CTB stay up but not something like that. It's stupid.

 

[waitin2go]

Yes please gothbird I'd like a DM if you happen to see this post and are up to rewriting your thoughts (but also, I totally understand the "well then, f- this sh!t" feeling of getting a well-drafted response disappearing - in my case tho, some tech f-up, so my own dumb mistakes)

Honestly, it was such a long and thoroughly written post that I'd never be able to go over everything that was said. Maybe @gothbird could DM it privately to people who ask or something, but I wouldn't want to hassle them with it.

 

[waitin2go]

Fun coincidence, this was released 5hrs ago

 

[gothbird]

As for the practical side of it, @gothbird had a good post about fighting SI — the best I have seen so far. But unfortunately, it got taken down. It was good to the point of being 'dangerous'.

WHAT?! I was wondering where that post went… I had it bookmarked only to find out it'd disappeared and I didn't know why. That was a super great post, I'm so mad it got taken down. Mods were definitely wrong on that one imo. :/

Honestly, it was such a long and thoroughly written post that I'd never be able to go over everything that was said. Maybe @gothbird could DM it privately to people who ask or something, but I wouldn't want to hassle them with it. I just don't see the logic in letting detailed method guides to CTB stay up but not something like that. It's stupid.

Yes please gothbird I'd like a DM if you happen to see this post and are up to rewriting your thoughts (but also, I totally understand the "well then, f- this sh!t" feeling of getting a well-drafted response disappearing - in my case tho, some tech f-up, so my own dumb mistakes)

I wish I could, but unfortunately it was flagged as "grooming." I tend to be quite literal and lean into the scientific framing, which in hindsight may get misinterpreted. I also got into trouble for sharing it via DM, so at this point, my hands are tied. Sorry everyone.

 

[Mooncry]

I wish I could, but unfortunately it was flagged as "grooming." I tend to be quite literal and lean into the scientific framing, which in hindsight may get misinterpreted. I also got into trouble for sharing it via DM, so at this point, my hands are tied. Sorry everyone.

Absolutely ridiculous. I'm sorry you got slapped on the wrist. Like I said, all of the explicit guides here on methods to CTB are way more "harmful" than your post. We still appreciate all the effort that went into it. Thanks for trying.

 

[gothbird]

Absolutely ridiculous. I'm sorry you got slapped on the wrist. Like I said, all of the explicit guides here on methods to CTB are way more "harmful" than your post. We still appreciate all the effort that went into it. Thanks for trying.

I actually ended up getting fully banned over it but thankfully they allowed me to appeal. It's frustrating, because I genuinely thought it was helpful, but I'm not looking to overstep or cause issues. Sorry Moon.

 

[waitin2go]

I actually ended up getting fully banned over it but thankfully they allowed me to appeal. It's frustrating, because I genuinely thought it was helpful, but I'm not looking to overstep or cause issues. Sorry Moon.

Thank you so so much for your efforts regardless @gothbird

 

[LostHope556]

I know what you mean... I have been going through these stages back and forth for ages. Wanting to do it --> Deciding to do it --> Suddenly overwhelmed by the 'beauty' of life and wanting to live --> repeat...

Right now, I feel like the 'waves' have just fizzled out, and I'm in a constant state where I just want to do it. I'm a bit scared, but I don't feel too emotional about it. There is some relief, but it doesn't feel euphoric. It's just there. I don't know what helped, or how I got here, but I know I did a lot of self-reflection and journalling, and have been thinking about it for quite a long time (years).

As for mindset, I think it involves some 'executive function' and skills for self-regulation. That sounded very technical... In common terms, we just need to push through it somehow, despite not really feeling it in the last moments. SI will always be there, and I can't imagine a situation where we really want to do it up to the final moments. Some people might get into such a mental state (I have seen comments about such experiences), but not me. I feel like I just have to (had to) finalise my decision and do it anyway, regardless of how I feel in the last moments. And I disagree with comments that say things like "it's ok to back out, it's not a failure". In my book, it is. If someone thinks like that, they'll never be able to do it, and that's not something I personally want. I want to make up my mind, plan it, and successfully do it, and not to fail.

But what do I know... I'm still here after all. I'm fairly sure I will do it, but right now, I'm still wasting time. I agree with @Mooncry that SI is very powerful, and our mind will do anything in order to prevent us from doing it. It can be sneaky, deceiving, and hard to recognise. This is probably an oversimplification, but once I've decided to do it, I tend to consider anything that might stop me to be a form of SI: procrastination, wanting to talk to people, backing out at the last moment, etc. A dangerous mindset.

As for the practical side of it, @gothbird had a good post about fighting SI — the best I have seen so far. But unfortunately, it got taken down. It was good to the point of being 'dangerous'.

By the way, your link doesn't work. If it's something interesting, can you repost it or send it to me in a PM, please?

Do you have a screenshot or the general gist of that post about fighting SI?

 

[yomander369]

SI is a bitch to overcome. It will do anything to convince you that one more second of life is worthwhile. Just one more day, one more hour.

I have to remind myself tomorrow will be worse than today. It will never get better. Death is my only escape.