Does anyone else have ptsd from a previous attempt and feel a lot of guilt from it? My family want me to start therapy but I'm honestly not sure it will work. I feel guilty to them and to myself for failing so it's making it hard to recover. I have nightmares, panic attacks and physical sensations like feeling the pain I felt that night. Has anyone been able to move past it? I feel quite stuck and almost as if my old self died that night if that makes sense.
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stilhavinightmares
Warlock
- Oct 13, 2022
- 737
I think PTSD from previous attempts is one of the factors that scares me about attempting (and failing) again. Just all the drama: loved ones, ICU, shame and guilt. It's a lot. My last attempt was my most serious and it was in 2018 and I'd say the flashbacks and whatnot do lessen over time in both intensity and frequency.
When I was recovering from that attempt, I viewed it as a rebirth. So maybe a part of you did die, but maybe it had to. Now you can rebirth yourself (as gross as that sounds lol). I would definitely suggest therapy if you're trying to heal from it.
When I was recovering from that attempt, I viewed it as a rebirth. So maybe a part of you did die, but maybe it had to. Now you can rebirth yourself (as gross as that sounds lol). I would definitely suggest therapy if you're trying to heal from it.
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I've had PTSD for the past 13 years, but I attempted to CTB 5 times last year, and I have quite a lot of flashbacks and nightmares from those failed attempts, in addition to my trauma from childhood years. It has not improved, it's been the same ever since I failed those attempts. I feel stuck often and I feel a overwhelming amount of guilt for failing due to knowing that several people in my life want me to suicide and I failed. I'm now more caucious and waiting to be able to get it 100% correct the next time I attempt.
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I think i downplayed it and ignored it cuz i dont talk to a doctor about it, dont get diagnosis, didnt actually fully commit, and felt too much like a coward and a spolied brat who thinks he got it in him but can only talks big.
My brain convincing me that this was just dipping my toes..
Probably for me to not have to test the water again and hope to one day just feel stress-free as i feel i can fully commit.
Couldnt fully commit to it after i experienced survival instinct turned on to full volume, heightened emotions that i didnt know could possibly exist.
Couldnt breathe and my heart was beating out of my chest in a fetal position and it felt like a blessing to experience the chest pain to distract me from everything else.
Tried a few times and kept saving myself
Reliving it in Nightmares or dreaming of succeding through other methods, supressing the memories and suicidal thoughts cuz they feel so much more intense now.
Feeling dissociation triggered by thinking of it, comes up much faster than from other thoughts.
Got me deep into drugs... i fear withdrawal not because of how it might physically feel, nor for the feeling of general depresion and lack of motivation, but because my mind will linger on this thing again and spiral into a state where im once again just 1 step away from losing it as im entering a state of trying to stop the feeling that lures me into a previous state of being somewhat convinced that this life is a simulation and my mind isnt real as im laughing for some reason and feeling such a strange high being fully sober
My brain convincing me that this was just dipping my toes..
Probably for me to not have to test the water again and hope to one day just feel stress-free as i feel i can fully commit.
Couldnt fully commit to it after i experienced survival instinct turned on to full volume, heightened emotions that i didnt know could possibly exist.
Couldnt breathe and my heart was beating out of my chest in a fetal position and it felt like a blessing to experience the chest pain to distract me from everything else.
Tried a few times and kept saving myself
Reliving it in Nightmares or dreaming of succeding through other methods, supressing the memories and suicidal thoughts cuz they feel so much more intense now.
Feeling dissociation triggered by thinking of it, comes up much faster than from other thoughts.
Got me deep into drugs... i fear withdrawal not because of how it might physically feel, nor for the feeling of general depresion and lack of motivation, but because my mind will linger on this thing again and spiral into a state where im once again just 1 step away from losing it as im entering a state of trying to stop the feeling that lures me into a previous state of being somewhat convinced that this life is a simulation and my mind isnt real as im laughing for some reason and feeling such a strange high being fully sober
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Looking
Looking for the answer.
- Jan 16, 2023
- 246
In general, I've had PTSD for a long time, so obviously I was more vulnerable to getting more flashbacks added to my PTSD brain. (As in, it doesn't take much to retraumatize myself, it seems.)
I'm sorry to hear everyone has similar experiences of PTSD + previous attempts. It's really a hard thing to cope with. I currently haven't been able to move past it, but I think eventually I will - or at least I have hopes to. Medicine has helped the most with it. I mainly got them at night when I trying to fall asleep, so improving my sleep and my sleep cycle in general (Getting on a schedule and whatnot) actually helped me a lottt. So medicine + sleep. They're still there, but mainly during the day where I can cope a bit better vs when I'm in my sleep and there's not really anything I can do unless I somehow force myself awake. It feels a lot more realistic or real in general when I had flashbacks while asleep.
I'm sorry to hear everyone has similar experiences of PTSD + previous attempts. It's really a hard thing to cope with. I currently haven't been able to move past it, but I think eventually I will - or at least I have hopes to. Medicine has helped the most with it. I mainly got them at night when I trying to fall asleep, so improving my sleep and my sleep cycle in general (Getting on a schedule and whatnot) actually helped me a lottt. So medicine + sleep. They're still there, but mainly during the day where I can cope a bit better vs when I'm in my sleep and there's not really anything I can do unless I somehow force myself awake. It feels a lot more realistic or real in general when I had flashbacks while asleep.
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Zulu
Member
- Aug 10, 2022
- 55
Russian roulette still haunts me, especially considering I would have died had I pulled the trigger on the third game (played six games total). Haven't touched it since, even though it's probably the way I'm going to go. Well, either that or shotgun mouthwash. I like to hope there's not much pain besides a split second red flash and then nothingness, but I don't truly know. Those that have survived gunshot wounds don't feel the pain until after the fact. So if it is instant, I hope it's painless. Still unsettling to me, but I figure that's going to be the case with any CTB method.
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