PlannedforPeru
SaSu. Lurker
- Sep 21, 2024
- 151
My mind has been stuck on the concept of a separate us and them, which is usually a fallacious dichotomy but in this case it seems to have some merit given that me and those like me contemplate suicide multiple times, every hour, every day; which by my gathered secondhand accounts in talking to a large number of people in my life, is mostly an absolute foreign mental state. I'd be the first in my circle in any phases of my life to have committed suicide if I were to succeed an attempt.
All cards on the table, words cannot ever describe the amount I envy people who've not been endowed with even a single mental illness. Infinitely more so with a humongous side of resentment towards those who feel it necessary to gamble on behalf of another non-existent being. Down the line from birth, you're given parroted lines that "your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility" while simultaneously limiting you to only the most unpleasant methods to correct the mistake your parents made (if CTB or non-existence is what you want rather than managing a life-long chronic illness).
Below is a bit from my emotion fueled journal that kept me seething so much I couldn't sleep. It's a toned-down version but I'd totally get it if this thread was taken down:
"A great tragedy is that I can perform well enough to fit into neurotypical spaces, with their guard let down. I'm "blessed" enough to be an observant of their behavior which only ever reinforces my misanthropy with every interaction. The way you automate your lives without thinking, gambling more lives into the lions den because well hey it's not your brain and your reproductive instincts were too strong in overpowering ethical decision making. But it's okay, right? You got yours, and now the burden of figuring it out lies with the mentally ill. Oh but we're going to pathologize their experience and preserve their lives against their will to the point of holding them hostage "for their best interest", even though you don't have a molecule of understanding for what they go through.
The emotional part of me believes [...] because people capable of doing the things you do don't deserve to do that and still remain happy. But then again, that isn't a desire driven by logic or empathy, and I'd rather adhere to principles beyond a baser level."
If anything, I'm just utterly defeated that people who can be fulfilled or joyful in life at the cost of a population of sacrificial lambs more often than not do get their happy endings. The intrinsic unfairness of the universe and the normalized narcissism in my culture is killing me just as much as any mental illnesses I may have, if the latter isn't the reason I recognize the former. As atheistic as I am, I do see the appeal of divine judgement.
All cards on the table, words cannot ever describe the amount I envy people who've not been endowed with even a single mental illness. Infinitely more so with a humongous side of resentment towards those who feel it necessary to gamble on behalf of another non-existent being. Down the line from birth, you're given parroted lines that "your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility" while simultaneously limiting you to only the most unpleasant methods to correct the mistake your parents made (if CTB or non-existence is what you want rather than managing a life-long chronic illness).
Below is a bit from my emotion fueled journal that kept me seething so much I couldn't sleep. It's a toned-down version but I'd totally get it if this thread was taken down:
"A great tragedy is that I can perform well enough to fit into neurotypical spaces, with their guard let down. I'm "blessed" enough to be an observant of their behavior which only ever reinforces my misanthropy with every interaction. The way you automate your lives without thinking, gambling more lives into the lions den because well hey it's not your brain and your reproductive instincts were too strong in overpowering ethical decision making. But it's okay, right? You got yours, and now the burden of figuring it out lies with the mentally ill. Oh but we're going to pathologize their experience and preserve their lives against their will to the point of holding them hostage "for their best interest", even though you don't have a molecule of understanding for what they go through.
The emotional part of me believes [...] because people capable of doing the things you do don't deserve to do that and still remain happy. But then again, that isn't a desire driven by logic or empathy, and I'd rather adhere to principles beyond a baser level."
If anything, I'm just utterly defeated that people who can be fulfilled or joyful in life at the cost of a population of sacrificial lambs more often than not do get their happy endings. The intrinsic unfairness of the universe and the normalized narcissism in my culture is killing me just as much as any mental illnesses I may have, if the latter isn't the reason I recognize the former. As atheistic as I am, I do see the appeal of divine judgement.
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