I often see posts on here from people who are obviously experiencing very distorted thinking. It seems likely that my thinking is also distorted, but I am finding it harder to identify my own distortions than other people's. I would like some outside perspective on whether I seem rational.
I have a pretty great job. Demands are low, I occasionally get to demonstrate my brilliance, and my work is... well, maybe my work isn't meaningful, because if it doesn't get done then nothing changes, but the projects I oversee are working on climate change and reducing the cost of the energy system.
My depression has made it extremely difficult to do my job. I am disinterested in life. I have a very patient and supportive manager. I have been signed off sick for long periods but also been "informally" sick for much more. I have had lots of different modalities of therapy - CBT, DBT, ACT - as well as having been on two SSRIs, two SNRIs, one tetracyclic, and one Gabapentinoid. Nothing has really worked.
I have been very frugal, both when I was working part-time and now over six years of working full-time. I save over half of my annual take-home salary and have about eight years worth of expenses saved up (although about a tenth of that is in an illiquid investment). I also have an inflation-linked pension. If I stop working then when I reach retirement age, it will cover 50% of my expenses, unless my standard of living changes. My plan has always been to retire at ~50, with enough saved up to last me at least until the legal retirement age, when my pension would kick in and cover me.
My perception is that my job, and the fact that I can't actually do it, is contributing to my depression. I think I would be more likely to get better if I quit.
My current plan, if I quit, is to spend a year alternating between travelling and writing. This would be more expensive than my current lifestyle. I think one year of living like that would burn through about a quarter of my nest egg. It would be difficult to find new employment, and equally difficult to turn either travel or writing into a lifestyle.
Honestly, it feels like the alternative is suicide, and if possible I'd rather find another solution so I don't upset those who care about me. But also, I don't think I would consider this sort of drastic step if I wasn't suicidal. This is on two grounds:
1) I am suicidal, so desperate measures seem rational.
2) if I do run out of money, I can always kill myself.
Does this sound like a line of reasoning that a sane, rational person would go down? Or am I experiencing heavy cognitive distortion and making bad decisions?
I have a pretty great job. Demands are low, I occasionally get to demonstrate my brilliance, and my work is... well, maybe my work isn't meaningful, because if it doesn't get done then nothing changes, but the projects I oversee are working on climate change and reducing the cost of the energy system.
My depression has made it extremely difficult to do my job. I am disinterested in life. I have a very patient and supportive manager. I have been signed off sick for long periods but also been "informally" sick for much more. I have had lots of different modalities of therapy - CBT, DBT, ACT - as well as having been on two SSRIs, two SNRIs, one tetracyclic, and one Gabapentinoid. Nothing has really worked.
I have been very frugal, both when I was working part-time and now over six years of working full-time. I save over half of my annual take-home salary and have about eight years worth of expenses saved up (although about a tenth of that is in an illiquid investment). I also have an inflation-linked pension. If I stop working then when I reach retirement age, it will cover 50% of my expenses, unless my standard of living changes. My plan has always been to retire at ~50, with enough saved up to last me at least until the legal retirement age, when my pension would kick in and cover me.
My perception is that my job, and the fact that I can't actually do it, is contributing to my depression. I think I would be more likely to get better if I quit.
My current plan, if I quit, is to spend a year alternating between travelling and writing. This would be more expensive than my current lifestyle. I think one year of living like that would burn through about a quarter of my nest egg. It would be difficult to find new employment, and equally difficult to turn either travel or writing into a lifestyle.
Honestly, it feels like the alternative is suicide, and if possible I'd rather find another solution so I don't upset those who care about me. But also, I don't think I would consider this sort of drastic step if I wasn't suicidal. This is on two grounds:
1) I am suicidal, so desperate measures seem rational.
2) if I do run out of money, I can always kill myself.
Does this sound like a line of reasoning that a sane, rational person would go down? Or am I experiencing heavy cognitive distortion and making bad decisions?
