dontletthembribeyou
New Member
- Mar 4, 2025
- 3
Like many of you, I'm suicidal. In fact, I have been for about as long as I can remember. I don't know if this is relatable or not, but for me, it's not about actively wanting to die so much as it is about not being able to conceive of a future where my life is enjoyable or even bearable. For a long time, I attributed this to "mental illness" which I've tried to treat with various medications and forms of therapy, all to no avail. Recently I've come to realize that my suicidal feelings cannot be alleviated through mental health support because they are, at the root, not mental health issues. Instead, they are grounded in reality. It is perfectly reasonable for me to feel hopeless, given the fact that I deal with the following issues:
1. Chronic fatigue/chronic pain
I have dealt with CFS since I was a young teenager, and the chronic pain started showing up in my late teens (I'm now in my early twenties). I used to try to ignore it, but now it's at a point where I'm not able to work full-time without hitting severe burnout within a month. I'm a full-time student right now, and my parents help me with finances, but that's not going to last forever and I need to be able to work eventually or I'll end up homeless.
2. Being ugly
This is not a subjective matter. I am pathologically unattractive- i.e. my jaws and nose are severely deformed. I take pretty good care of myself, dress well, and wear sensible makeup, but even with all that, I'm a 3/10 looks-wise. If you're not ugly, it might sound frivolous to be suicidal over the way you look, but the reality is that my appearance has prevented me from living a normal life. Most people simply do not see me as equal to them, and it's reflected in the way they treat me.
3. Social ostracism
Since I was a small child, I've struggled to fit in with my peers. I'm not sure exactly what caused it, but I think it was originally because of my appearance + the way my parents raised me to take pride in alienating people. I'm also starting to suspect I might have autism. I had very few friends throughout school, and the ones who did hang around me only seemed to do so out of pity, mockery, desperation, or an inability to say no. The general self-help advice is that you should be happy and love yourself regardless of what others think, but in my experience it's kind of impossible to love yourself long-term if the message you get from almost everyone around you is that you're unworthy.
It is clear that I must either solve these issues or leave this world behind. I just can't be expected to live under these circumstances. As I said earlier, though, I don't particularly want to commit suicide. There are things I want to experience, and I do have a few loved ones who I'd rather not leave behind in such a traumatic way. Therefore, I'll first attempt to solve my problems before making the irreversible decision to escape them completely.
I'm giving myself a deadline to improve each of the problems I outlined earlier. The keyword here is "improve", as I know that I can't expect to totally eradicate them in the time given, if at all. That said, they need to be reduced enough that they're not significantly contributing to my suicidal feelings. Listed below are my deadlines for each problem, the steps I intend to take to fix them, and the criteria that must be met for them to be considered "fixed enough".
1. April 1st, 2026
By this date, I expect substantial improvement in my chronic illnesses symptoms. My goal is to be well enough to work full-time when not in school, or 15 hours/week while in school.
I'm currently working with my PCP to improve my symptoms. She's given me a referral for a sleep study/pulmonologist, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I still need to schedule the sleep study, though. Other than that, though, I suspect my poor posture, strength, and flexibility contribute to my chronic pain, so I recently started doing some light exercise aimed at improving those things. I'm also working to improve my diet, weed/caffeine dependency, and screen time. I've already made some progress in these as well.
2. April 1st, 2027
By this date, I expect to be a 7/10 or higher. It's also acceptable for me to be currently undergoing orthodontic treatment and/or scheduled for orthognathic surgery in the near future.
Jaw surgery is prohibitively expensive, especially in the US. Plan A is to get it covered by insurance, but if that doesn't happen, plan B is to get it done from a reputable surgeon abroad for a cheaper price. I'll have to take out a loan, but I have pretty good credit, so that shouldn't be too difficult. I just need to be able to work pay it off, hence my first goal. In the meantime, I'm practicing good myofunctional habits and doing interoral facial pulling. I doubt I'll get the results I need from those alone, but I figure they can't hurt. I'm also growing out my hair as it is too short at the moment. Lastly, I'm sure my appearance will improve if I can manage to improve my health.
3. April 1st, 2028
By this date, I expect to feel comfortable in social settings and welcomed by my peers. I don't need to be super popular or anything, but I don't want to be ignored, mocked, belittled, dismissed, humiliated, etc. on a daily basis like I am now.
Honestly, I think this should improve as my health and appearance improve. Most people are going to react negatively to someone who is unattractive or appears to be sick, weak, tired, or in pain. It's unjust, but I've come to accept that it's only natural. Additionally, though, I intend to improve my social skills by staying present during social interactions rather than dissociating, and journaling about what works and what doesnt.
I will check in at each deadline listed above and evaluate whether or not I have met my goal for that date. If I have not met my goal, I will CTB, probably with SN. If I don't get that in time, I guess I can just go buy a gun where I live. I honestly don't expect to get to that point because, despite my tone in this post, I'm actually quite optimistic that I can meet my goals in time. You might question why it's necessary for me to include suicide in my plan at all, but I think it's important to consider the possibility of failure even if you don't anticipate it. By 2028 I will have lived one miserable quarter century, after which point it is probably highly unlikely that things will ever improve for me. I'm posting this thread to hold myself accountable.
This turned out to be much longer than I intended it to be. If you're reading this, thank you for "listening" to me ramble!
1. Chronic fatigue/chronic pain
I have dealt with CFS since I was a young teenager, and the chronic pain started showing up in my late teens (I'm now in my early twenties). I used to try to ignore it, but now it's at a point where I'm not able to work full-time without hitting severe burnout within a month. I'm a full-time student right now, and my parents help me with finances, but that's not going to last forever and I need to be able to work eventually or I'll end up homeless.
2. Being ugly
This is not a subjective matter. I am pathologically unattractive- i.e. my jaws and nose are severely deformed. I take pretty good care of myself, dress well, and wear sensible makeup, but even with all that, I'm a 3/10 looks-wise. If you're not ugly, it might sound frivolous to be suicidal over the way you look, but the reality is that my appearance has prevented me from living a normal life. Most people simply do not see me as equal to them, and it's reflected in the way they treat me.
3. Social ostracism
Since I was a small child, I've struggled to fit in with my peers. I'm not sure exactly what caused it, but I think it was originally because of my appearance + the way my parents raised me to take pride in alienating people. I'm also starting to suspect I might have autism. I had very few friends throughout school, and the ones who did hang around me only seemed to do so out of pity, mockery, desperation, or an inability to say no. The general self-help advice is that you should be happy and love yourself regardless of what others think, but in my experience it's kind of impossible to love yourself long-term if the message you get from almost everyone around you is that you're unworthy.
It is clear that I must either solve these issues or leave this world behind. I just can't be expected to live under these circumstances. As I said earlier, though, I don't particularly want to commit suicide. There are things I want to experience, and I do have a few loved ones who I'd rather not leave behind in such a traumatic way. Therefore, I'll first attempt to solve my problems before making the irreversible decision to escape them completely.
I'm giving myself a deadline to improve each of the problems I outlined earlier. The keyword here is "improve", as I know that I can't expect to totally eradicate them in the time given, if at all. That said, they need to be reduced enough that they're not significantly contributing to my suicidal feelings. Listed below are my deadlines for each problem, the steps I intend to take to fix them, and the criteria that must be met for them to be considered "fixed enough".
1. April 1st, 2026
By this date, I expect substantial improvement in my chronic illnesses symptoms. My goal is to be well enough to work full-time when not in school, or 15 hours/week while in school.
I'm currently working with my PCP to improve my symptoms. She's given me a referral for a sleep study/pulmonologist, so hopefully I'll get some answers there. I still need to schedule the sleep study, though. Other than that, though, I suspect my poor posture, strength, and flexibility contribute to my chronic pain, so I recently started doing some light exercise aimed at improving those things. I'm also working to improve my diet, weed/caffeine dependency, and screen time. I've already made some progress in these as well.
2. April 1st, 2027
By this date, I expect to be a 7/10 or higher. It's also acceptable for me to be currently undergoing orthodontic treatment and/or scheduled for orthognathic surgery in the near future.
Jaw surgery is prohibitively expensive, especially in the US. Plan A is to get it covered by insurance, but if that doesn't happen, plan B is to get it done from a reputable surgeon abroad for a cheaper price. I'll have to take out a loan, but I have pretty good credit, so that shouldn't be too difficult. I just need to be able to work pay it off, hence my first goal. In the meantime, I'm practicing good myofunctional habits and doing interoral facial pulling. I doubt I'll get the results I need from those alone, but I figure they can't hurt. I'm also growing out my hair as it is too short at the moment. Lastly, I'm sure my appearance will improve if I can manage to improve my health.
3. April 1st, 2028
By this date, I expect to feel comfortable in social settings and welcomed by my peers. I don't need to be super popular or anything, but I don't want to be ignored, mocked, belittled, dismissed, humiliated, etc. on a daily basis like I am now.
Honestly, I think this should improve as my health and appearance improve. Most people are going to react negatively to someone who is unattractive or appears to be sick, weak, tired, or in pain. It's unjust, but I've come to accept that it's only natural. Additionally, though, I intend to improve my social skills by staying present during social interactions rather than dissociating, and journaling about what works and what doesnt.
I will check in at each deadline listed above and evaluate whether or not I have met my goal for that date. If I have not met my goal, I will CTB, probably with SN. If I don't get that in time, I guess I can just go buy a gun where I live. I honestly don't expect to get to that point because, despite my tone in this post, I'm actually quite optimistic that I can meet my goals in time. You might question why it's necessary for me to include suicide in my plan at all, but I think it's important to consider the possibility of failure even if you don't anticipate it. By 2028 I will have lived one miserable quarter century, after which point it is probably highly unlikely that things will ever improve for me. I'm posting this thread to hold myself accountable.
This turned out to be much longer than I intended it to be. If you're reading this, thank you for "listening" to me ramble!
