So I have bipolar 1 and psychosis and was diagnosed last year with them.
Btw I don't know where I am going with this. I kind of just feel very alone in all of this and ever since trying to kill myself in psychosis I haven't felt the same. My experiences make me feel so different because no one I know in real life can relate and what I mostly see and hear is bipolar people living good lives. I don't live a good life and I see homelessness in my future because I didn't know how to function normally to begin with and now it has been so hard. I mean I am trying now which is good but all I can see still is death or homelessness if I can't kill myself. My boyfriend can't support me in this economy with no degree even though he wishes he can.
But mania and psychosis was hard. I don't remember a lot from the two long manic/psychosis episodes I had last year because I block it out of my mind when things come up because I am so ashamed of myself. I did so many things and hurt people close to me for no reason except thinking that they were out to get me and plants in my life and a part of an expirement that I am in. I remember walking into a government buildig trying to get my fingerprinted because I thought I had to because I was a dangerous person. There was no good reason for me to believe that I just thought I had to because my neighbors thought I was dangerous and were warned about me. I thought I had a brain chip because the back/top of my skull is flat but not in the way that I was left laying too long. Everything also pointed to me being dead for real and/or in a simulation. I thought I was dead because I made the attempt to kill myself and I kept going back to the couch I did it at to feel that deadness. Now I can't sit on that couch I just keep it there for decoration because nothing got on it I think.
At one point I remember not sleeping a whole week almost, only a few hours, which made my psychosis so much worse, I don't even have to know what happened.
I did like the elavated mood state when it was good. I remember looking up at the sky on the beach and seeing everything, the stars, the moon, and all the planes passing by. It was such a euphoric feeling that I have never felt before. It is one of the best moments in my life even though I was manic, I can never replicate that feeling again I think, I tried in my second manic episode. It made me very angry that I couldn't and contributed to a lot of shit I think.
Now I am just in that depression phase with mild paranoia. I am medicated and going to therapy which are the things managing it. Recently I had to start a medication because I was almost starting with psychosis again my paranoia and thought hallucantions were getting bad. Also, idk if thought hallucantions are really a thing, I just say that because in my head I think my dead grandma is talking to me, I think god and the devil are talking to me, and I think real people are telepathically communicating with me.
Crazy thing about the telepathic communication,
1: in psychosis I was having very bad thoughts and thought the only way out was to kill the person in charge of the "whole thing" which was my boyfriend. After I thought that, my boyfriend came back and said "I heard you wanted to kill me". Scared the fuck out of me. Btw I don't actually want to kill anyone and had no plans of doing so. I just thought of it as the only way to stop everything.
2: when i was still in psychosis drugged out at the hospital with muliple sedative shots I woke up and felt my boyfriends presence. He wasn't therebut I didn't know and I reached for him and was talking to him. When I told him about it he said he felt like I was there for real when he was at home.
There was more things that I couldn't explain logically but that's in the past now I guess. It is just hard living like this and knowing none of it will go away, it can only be managed.
Btw I don't know where I am going with this. I kind of just feel very alone in all of this and ever since trying to kill myself in psychosis I haven't felt the same. My experiences make me feel so different because no one I know in real life can relate and what I mostly see and hear is bipolar people living good lives. I don't live a good life and I see homelessness in my future because I didn't know how to function normally to begin with and now it has been so hard. I mean I am trying now which is good but all I can see still is death or homelessness if I can't kill myself. My boyfriend can't support me in this economy with no degree even though he wishes he can.
But mania and psychosis was hard. I don't remember a lot from the two long manic/psychosis episodes I had last year because I block it out of my mind when things come up because I am so ashamed of myself. I did so many things and hurt people close to me for no reason except thinking that they were out to get me and plants in my life and a part of an expirement that I am in. I remember walking into a government buildig trying to get my fingerprinted because I thought I had to because I was a dangerous person. There was no good reason for me to believe that I just thought I had to because my neighbors thought I was dangerous and were warned about me. I thought I had a brain chip because the back/top of my skull is flat but not in the way that I was left laying too long. Everything also pointed to me being dead for real and/or in a simulation. I thought I was dead because I made the attempt to kill myself and I kept going back to the couch I did it at to feel that deadness. Now I can't sit on that couch I just keep it there for decoration because nothing got on it I think.
At one point I remember not sleeping a whole week almost, only a few hours, which made my psychosis so much worse, I don't even have to know what happened.
I did like the elavated mood state when it was good. I remember looking up at the sky on the beach and seeing everything, the stars, the moon, and all the planes passing by. It was such a euphoric feeling that I have never felt before. It is one of the best moments in my life even though I was manic, I can never replicate that feeling again I think, I tried in my second manic episode. It made me very angry that I couldn't and contributed to a lot of shit I think.
Now I am just in that depression phase with mild paranoia. I am medicated and going to therapy which are the things managing it. Recently I had to start a medication because I was almost starting with psychosis again my paranoia and thought hallucantions were getting bad. Also, idk if thought hallucantions are really a thing, I just say that because in my head I think my dead grandma is talking to me, I think god and the devil are talking to me, and I think real people are telepathically communicating with me.
Crazy thing about the telepathic communication,
1: in psychosis I was having very bad thoughts and thought the only way out was to kill the person in charge of the "whole thing" which was my boyfriend. After I thought that, my boyfriend came back and said "I heard you wanted to kill me". Scared the fuck out of me. Btw I don't actually want to kill anyone and had no plans of doing so. I just thought of it as the only way to stop everything.
2: when i was still in psychosis drugged out at the hospital with muliple sedative shots I woke up and felt my boyfriends presence. He wasn't therebut I didn't know and I reached for him and was talking to him. When I told him about it he said he felt like I was there for real when he was at home.
There was more things that I couldn't explain logically but that's in the past now I guess. It is just hard living like this and knowing none of it will go away, it can only be managed.
