Re-started exposure therapy today

[sancta-simplicitas]

Came down with agoraphobia last year after having been traumatized by my trauma therapist. Got so bad that I couldn't leave my apartment at all. This spring I put myself through exposure therapy and during the course of two months I managed to overcome it on all areas except for public transport. My mental health declined a lot so I had to take a break for while.

Today I started again. Was shaking like a leaf and almost didn't get on the damned tram at all. But I did. It went ok I guess. Rode one stop (~ 1 min) and I mostly had tachycardia and a brief moment of panic which made me cry, but nothing worse than that. Repeated it twice a couple of hours later, same thing minus the shaking. A part of it felt good though. I felt so free being able to get on. That was an amazing feeling.

Dreading the whole process, right now can't imagine even going two stops. Hating my therapist for doing this to me. Deeply, profoundly, truly, madly hating her. I just want to be able to move freely again. I hate that I have to go through hell to be able to do something that used to be normal every-day stuff. Trying to keep in mind that a year ago, even going to the nearest store to get a lottery ticket felt unthinkable. That I've done a massive work, that people (at least on Reddit) are actually envious of my progress. I mostly feel lost and weak right now though.

I suppose I could do with some words of encouragement or other's sharing their stories or something. Fuck.

 

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Wow, this does sound amazing. I know first-hand how hard this is, especially the follow-through on repetition, and you deserve a ton of credit for what you're doing.

A part of it felt good though. I felt so free being able to get on. That was an amazing feeling.

This is a big thing to say. This is the counter to dread. Whenever you're feeling that dread creeping up on you, smack it back down with this. I think this bodes well for you.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Came down with agoraphobia last year after having been traumatized by my trauma therapist. Got so bad that I couldn't leave my apartment at all. This spring I put myself through exposure therapy and during the course of two months I managed to overcome it on all areas except for public transport. My mental health declined a lot so I had to take a break for while.

Today I started again. Was shaking like a leaf and almost didn't get on the damned tram at all. But I did. It went ok I guess. Rode one stop (~ 1 min) and I mostly had tachycardia and a brief moment of panic which made me cry, but nothing worse than that. Repeated it twice a couple of hours later, same thing minus the shaking. A part of it felt good though. I felt so free being able to get on. That was an amazing feeling.

Dreading the whole process, right now can't imagine even going two stops. Hating my therapist for doing this to me. Deeply, profoundly, truly, madly hating her. I just want to be able to move freely again. I hate that I have to go through hell to be able to do something that used to be normal every-day stuff. Trying to keep in mind that a year ago, even going to the nearest store to get a lottery ticket felt unthinkable. That I've done a massive work, that people (at least on Reddit) are actually envious of my progress. I mostly feel lost and weak right now though.

I suppose I could do with some words of encouragement or other's sharing their stories or something. Fuck.

That is a very good step in the right direction and I totally get what you mean when saying you hate to go through hell to do something you used to do but I would also add to do something everyone else just do without thinking of it that is at least what I often think but probably not so encouraging.

I have also become more comfortable using public transportation lately and keep challenging myself to take other routes or other kinds of transportation and yeah it sucks having to go through that hell of anxiety just to do something I used to do or others do easily but it is also a victory every time I succeed at it despite how pathetic that might sound when other people achieve great things in life and I just took another bus route lol but at least when we expose ourselves to our fears and finally overcome them we are doing better than yesterday which is something I currently am trying to live by "always do better than yesterday" mostly in regards to working out even if it means another rep, cleaning the apartment, or any minor thing I need to get done it still beats just sitting doing nothing so I would say it´s a big victory for you so far especially if you never left your apartment for a long time to do stuff so that is great.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Wow, this does sound amazing. I know first-hand how hard this is, especially the follow-through on repetition, and you deserve a ton of credit for what you're doing.


This is a big thing to say. This is the counter to dread. Whenever you're feeling that dread creeping up on you, smack it back down with this. I think this bodes well for you.

Thank you, that was a very good perspective that I'll try to use going forward.

That is a very good step in the right direction and I totally get what you mean when saying you hate to go through hell to do something you used to do but I would also add to do something everyone else just do without thinking of it that is at least what I often think but probably not so encouraging.

I have also become more comfortable using public transportation lately and keep challenging myself to take other routes or other kinds of transportation and yeah it sucks having to go through that hell of anxiety just to do something I used to do or others do easily but it is also a victory every time I succeed at it despite how pathetic that might sound when other people achieve great things in life and I just took another bus route lol but at least when we expose ourselves to our fears and finally overcome them we are doing better than yesterday which is something I currently am trying to live by "always do better than yesterday" mostly in regards to working out even if it means another rep, cleaning the apartment, or any minor thing I need to get done it still beats just sitting doing nothing so I would say it´s a big victory for you so far especially if you never left your apartment for a long time to do stuff so that is great.

Yeah, I do miss the time when I also could do it without thinking. It was actually pleasant, kind of comforting. Just sitting down with some good tunes and looking out the window. I'll miss it forever unless I do something about it and I can't stand that.

It sounds like you have been taking so many steps forward, which makes me happy to read! Just changing the regular route can feel like such a massive thing. Anxiety likes predictability so it's very admirable that you deliberately change the routes and working on doing better. Proud of you, fellow warrior!

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Thank you, that was a very good perspective that I'll try to use going forward.

Yeah, I do miss the time when I also could do it without thinking. It was actually pleasant, kind of comforting. Just sitting down with some good tunes and looking out the window. I'll miss it forever unless I do something about it and I can't stand that.

It sounds like you have been taking so many steps forward, which makes me happy to read! Just changing the regular route can feel like such a massive thing. Anxiety likes predictability so it's very admirable that you deliberately change the routes and working on doing better. Proud of you, fellow warrior!

I actually always loved public transportation when it´s not totally crowded, I like a seat for myself and some space around me then it´s actually soothing for me to just look out the window it makes it easier to think about life, I always pictured it as the cogs are turning when I am in motion either in transport or when walking it´s just easier to think I love it.

Many small steps so far but it´s hard for me to see and recognize how far I have come because it feels like zero when compared to myself in the past or other people. And yes anxiety loves predictability so sometimes we just gotta break that cycle, I also easily feel stuck in a bored existence so when I do the same stuff every day and take the same walk every day to the things I am going to it can feel like living under a dome so sometimes I will just walk over to the opposite side of the street just to break that pattern.