hi there. just joined, and i read the rules. sorry if this is a total newbie thread and i screw things up and should be posting this somewhere else, or not posting at all. please let me know and ill delete this right away. i didnt know whether to put this in "story" or "method"
all of the joy and wonder has been drained from the world for me, and i merely get up, go to work, and i cant wait to get back home to my "i hate being alive" playlist. i dont sleep well, and if i do its nightmares about my ex, who is never in them, im simply avoiding her. so there is no solace in sleep. long story short there: i thought i met the one, and in spite of being completely in love with her, we were wrong for each other. i knew it, she knew it, still totally loved her. still do. 6 months after we broke it off she was with someone else (unbeknownst to me) and when she admitted to being with someone else, and it was just getting "romantic" (again, she had been with him already for 3 months) it was the worst night of my life, and the next months saw me as close to suicide as i have ever been, as i could not imagine waking up the next day knowing what she was doing. unfortunately, the irrational fear of death kept me droning on, barely functional. now it is over a year and half or so since those worst nights of my life, and my brain still choses to plague me with self-loathing, and horrible imagery and thoughts that i do not want to think about.
i do not want to wait 15-20ish years until i get cancer, have a heart attack, aneurysm, what have you, crawling through pointless days, mired in self-hatred and overwhelming regret and disgust, merely existing. i think if maybe i had a solid means of ending it, i could slip away painlessly and do the right thing. i have done some reading online about the best sleeping pills for a painless suicide, but understandably the lethality of most have become minimalized. how can i see a doctor, present the case of insomnia, not raise suicide suspicions, and get the right tool for death?
all of the joy and wonder has been drained from the world for me, and i merely get up, go to work, and i cant wait to get back home to my "i hate being alive" playlist. i dont sleep well, and if i do its nightmares about my ex, who is never in them, im simply avoiding her. so there is no solace in sleep. long story short there: i thought i met the one, and in spite of being completely in love with her, we were wrong for each other. i knew it, she knew it, still totally loved her. still do. 6 months after we broke it off she was with someone else (unbeknownst to me) and when she admitted to being with someone else, and it was just getting "romantic" (again, she had been with him already for 3 months) it was the worst night of my life, and the next months saw me as close to suicide as i have ever been, as i could not imagine waking up the next day knowing what she was doing. unfortunately, the irrational fear of death kept me droning on, barely functional. now it is over a year and half or so since those worst nights of my life, and my brain still choses to plague me with self-loathing, and horrible imagery and thoughts that i do not want to think about.
i do not want to wait 15-20ish years until i get cancer, have a heart attack, aneurysm, what have you, crawling through pointless days, mired in self-hatred and overwhelming regret and disgust, merely existing. i think if maybe i had a solid means of ending it, i could slip away painlessly and do the right thing. i have done some reading online about the best sleeping pills for a painless suicide, but understandably the lethality of most have become minimalized. how can i see a doctor, present the case of insomnia, not raise suicide suspicions, and get the right tool for death?
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