Venting Recovery Diary

[ForeverCaHa]

This thread is just going to act as a 'recovery diary' until I'm able to buy a proper paper one. Feel free to chip in if there's anything you find interesting. I'm always happy to chat!!

I spent this afternoon thinking of what I could do for my 30th birthday next month. I never thought I'd get there, so it was a surprise for me. Due to memories of my 29th with my partner I don't want to be in the UK. So, I booked myself a flight to Madrid, and oops I'm going to Lisbon too. Gotta love the mish mash of European countries.

I admit I did have to pause while planning the trip because I started crying. Places that I'll never be able to go with him. Things he'll never experience.He would've loved the weather there, the best chance to get his strong arms out on show... I had always wanted to take him to the north of Spain (I lived there for a short while) to show him the famous sidra pouring. Not to mention taking him to the Guggenheim Museum in Bilbao. Fuck. These trips are going to be so empty without you, man. But still, I booked it all, and I'm ready to go.

After that I had a Spanish class. My first time having a class since my life fell into the abyss. I was nervous, but really happy with the flow. We talked about a lot of things, and the teacher was really cool. The only thing I hate that iTalki teachers sometimes do is they'll end the class with, "Good luck with your xyz!" instead of, "I'll see you next time!" Maybe it's just my stupid brain, but the first choice makes me feel like they don't want to have me as a recurring student. Oh well, he's pretty cheap, really effective, and I'm sticking to him.

That was really the brain jump I needed. I feel like my mind has been turning to mush recently, so actually using it was so thrilling!

And I just received an email from an old student asking when I'd be back to teach classes because he enjoyed them so much. So cute.

I'm considering taking a few Portuguese classes just to see how much I can pick up between now and May. Any Lusophones here at all??

 

[lamy's sacred sleep]

I've never heard of lusophone until today. I wonder where it comes from.
I speak portuguese, though my spelling leaves alot to be desired.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

I've never heard of lusophone until today. I wonder where it comes from.

"Lusophone" was just me trying to show off to be honest hahaha


08/04

A bit of a lower day today. My crisis team asked if I was happy I didn't go through with my CTB plan, and I was honest with them: no. The fact I'm sitting here now completely goes against what I wanted. Went for a walk to the marina with my family. The sun was nice, but didn't help my mood much. It's surrounded by trees, so it was hard to stop myself looking for one which could be used for full suspension.

Tomorrow will be two months exactly that my partner died. Just another day for everyone around me, though. I have a Chinese class in the morning, followed by teaching a Welsh class right after. Then I need to go to my first session with a psychiatrist. I'm unsure what to expect. Apparently it could take up to two hours. I'm trying to give it my best shot, but for now all I can do is tiny steps.

For now, a cup of tea and something sweet.

The soundtrack for this evening:


The French version of this song really speaks to me, more than the English source text.
"Parfois je rêve de lui encore,
Il me supplie et il regrette..."
-- "Sometimes I dream of him, he begs me and he regrets"

 

[deadbidaylight]

I can't express how insanely happy this post makes me. 30s a big one and I'm glad you're doing it up grand! You absolutely deserve it.

Although your partner isn't here to enjoy it with you, you're carrying him in your heart, so he will be there in spirit. You're living for yourself, and living for him since he can't anymore, and I think that's truly a beautiful thing. And crying over the what could've beens is also therapeutic. Reflecting on that as you plan your trip as well as your future is a great way to honour him in your memory. Make the memories for both of you.

I really hope you have a blast on this trip. Take lots of pictures, eat all the good food, and just truly enjoy still being on earth and having the ability to experience all these things. A few weeks ago this wasn't even on your radar, so this experience will be extra special. I can't wait to hear all about it!

Exercise that brain! You're extremely intelligent and I think this is exactly what you needed. You definitely make a mark wherever you go, and your students also just proved that to you. We're all thankful you're still here with us. I know I am! I've been rooting for you since the day I joined this forum so my heart is just exploding watching you come alive again. Keep being your wonderful self, and keep pushing forward. I'll be cheering you on the whole time!!

 

[ForeverCaHa]

09/04

My first visit with the psychiatric doctor today. To be honest the conversation wasn't especially useful. He told me things I already knew, but at least I was able to get put on antidepressants. Let's see if I can medicate my way out of this.

It's 2 months exactly since my partner died today. 2 months of abject misery. If they have a pill that can magic this away, it'll be a miracle.

I feel like the Lorazepam is calming me somewhat. The urge to self-harm isn't as strong, but it's still there. The suicidal urges too. I keep looking at rope on Amazon, but haven't bought it. I'm still crying a lot at random points in the day, but generally able to go somewhere private to get it all out.

Tomorrow maybe I will try to go for a walk around town if the weather is nice.

 

[Izzythebelle]

Tomorrow maybe I will try to go for a walk around town if the weather is nice.

Take a picture of the sun for us c:

 

[ForeverCaHa]

10/04

Went out to collect my prescription from town today. My first time going out for a walk on my own in over two months now. The sun felt nice, but the negative thoughts were quite overwhelming. I saw a tree I could use for full suspension, but tried not to dwell on it.

This morning I noticed a single tulip has grown in our garden. Tulips were the flower my partner and I would see everywhere, ever since our first date. It's probably just a coincidence. Still, it made me cry to see it.

I'm struggling still to envision the future, but tomorrow morning I have a meeting with my PhD supervisor. Hopefully she can help me to build a roadmap towards graduation. I'm not going to think about what happens after that.

This afternoon I have a Catalan class. Fortunately I usually feel much better after a language class, so I'm hoping it will have the same effect on me.

Now I've taken a Lorazepam I feel a bit calmer. I don't want to become addicted to them, but they really do a good job at making me not want to hang myself lol

 

[EmptyBottle]

Glad that the medication and going outside helps you. I could do with going outside a bit more too.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

11/04

A bit of a mixed bag again today. The suicidal urges are still going strong. I found myself planning my next attempt, but not setting a specific day. I know the method, the tools, and even the location. I had planned to scout out the specific location next week sometime. I'll bring it up with the crisis team tomorrow and the psychologist on Monday. Not sure what can be done in that regard, but there we are.

Today's small victories were teaching a new student. Only a 30 minute class, but she's booked another hour on Sunday, so that's some more cash. I had that Portuguese class, and the teacher was infectiously energetic. Maybe he should be prescribed to anyone with depression! I was supposed to have a French class too, but backed out after 10 minutes. He asked me what I did last weekend, and I couldn't think of a lie because what I did last weekend was back out of a suicide attempt. Honestly if this were one of the teachers I'm more comfortable with I would've discussed it, but not with a new one. I'm fully aware of the discomfort the topic brings. I talked about my boyfriend's suicide with my Catalan teacher yesterday for example, and it opened an interesting chat.

I've contacted the police to tell them I won't be able to come to the station to give my statement as planned this Sunday. The person who would've taken me is no longer able. I really wish they would just come to me instead. Or even better, drop it. He's dead. They know what happened. I really, really don't want to have to have them dissect our final days together.

I've been thinking about my future relationship with love and sex. Obviously right now the thought of touching another man makes me sick, but will that change in the future? I've written a brief poem to grapple with my attraction to other men and in general how in the past I've used sex as a coping mechanism. I wouldn't say I'm a sex addict, but it's definitely something I've used to give myself value.

---

An Exchange

You'll whisper timid in the night why you need escape.
You'll run your fingers up my thighs, lay kisses on my nape.
I'll tell you softly who it is I seek but can't replace.
I'll cut the lights, close tight my eyes, perhaps I'll see his face.

As you loveless take me, make me quiver, give belief
That you, I pray, will be the one to cure me of my grief.
But as you grunt and growl and force and claim me with your sweat,
I come to know I can't let go. You cannot cure me yet.

Perhaps you see my fragile frame and want to show your power.
Perhaps outside this darkened room you're weak, you flinch, you cower.
So just as I can take from you and let my darkness cease,
So too do you now stand to gain your violent release.

We understand our withered hearts cannot be cured by this,
We understand there is no love within our passioned kiss.
I writhe and squirm yet choke my cries, and sink into my shame.
I bite my tongue, grip hard the sheets, for fear I call his name.

Now all has ended. Next to me you lay without a sound.
I wonder what it is you've lost, and with me was it found?
A fleeting touch, an unsaid "stay" - but no, return to pain.
In our longing glance we know we shall not meet again.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

12/04

Another visit from the crisis team today. They really are lovely people. They've put forward a complaint regarding the 111 call (NHS mental health line) I made a few weeks ago where the guy was awful. I'm trying to be as open and honest as possible with them regarding my continuing suicidal thoughts, but I can also feel myself holding back certain details. The fact I've found the rope I'll buy, or that I am going to try to get replacement SN, that I can use some of the meds they've given me in the SN protocol, that this week I plan on scouting out possible places for full suspension.

I know it's only been one week since I backed out of my attempt and was put on all of this, and I am seriously trying my best. I'm taking the meds, I'm getting back into work (3 classes tomorrow), I'm trying to get back into my hobbies (one language class a day Monday-Friday; I've been reading; I'm going to try and take part in the local LGBT book club)... But I'm still having a hard time. A week is nothing, of course I wasn't going to be fixed after just one week, but I'm struggling to see an outcome where I'm not dead.

In other news I made some edits to the poem I wrote. I feel like the extra stanza at the end is overkill but I wanted to push the whole "just because I'm the bottom doesn't mean I'm not preying on someone vulnerable" kind of thing.

---

An Exchange

You'll whisper timid in the night why you need escape.
You'll run your fingers up my thighs, lay kisses on my nape.
I'll tell you softly who it is I seek but can't replace.
I'll cut the lights, close tight my eyes, perhaps I'll see his face.

As you loveless take me, make me quiver, give belief
That you, I pray, will be the one to cure me of my grief.
But as you grunt and growl and groan and grope and force and sweat,
I come to know I can't let go. You cannot cure me yet.

Perhaps you see my fragile frame and want to show your power.
Perhaps outside this darkened room you're weak, you flinch, you cower.
So just as I can take from you and let my darkness cease,
So too do you now stand to gain your violent release.

We understand our jaded hearts cannot be cured by this,
We understand there is no love within our passioned kiss.
I writhe and squirm yet choke my cries, and sink into my shame.
I bite my tongue, grip hard the sheets, for fear I call his name.

Now all has ended. Next to me you lay without a sound.
I wonder what it is you've lost, and with me was it found?
A fleeting touch, an unsaid "stay" - but no, return to pain.
In our longing glance we know we shall not meet again.

Another time, another world, perhaps you asked to stay;
Perhaps we sat as lovers, not as predator and prey.
But who is who, and who gained what, I'll question not this line.
Still, I hope you found some peace. Tonight, I've not found mine.