Help Recovery for my gf

[toxicjester]

Hey everyone! I usually post on the suicide threads but I really want help with my gf and it's more in line with recovery than anything else.

My gf is trans and has been out of the work force for close to 3 years. Originally she worked at a hardware store but got fired because of how many times she was late (her ADHD makes it difficult for her to see how much time she has and she has general time blindness that I can't put into good words). After that she wanted to just focus on her transition and said that once she was happy with it she'd get back into the work force. Three years later(and almost 4 years on HRT) and she isn't happy with her appearance at all and says that HRT hasn't done anything for her.

We also still live with her family (her mom and brother) and more and more recently she gets on my gf's case about finding a job and just generally making my gf more upset. I could make a whole other post about her mom and how she shows favoritism and lowkey transphobic but that's a whole other post.

I'm the only one working currently and I only make $12 an hour, although im looking for another job with help from vocational rehab. Neither of us have a higher education outside of high school. I really want to be able to get her electrolysis and FFS(facial feminization surgery). I dunno, I just really want to improve her quality of life.

I guess my question is, what can I or my gf do to get her to a better place in terms of furthering her transition, finding a job, and moving out asap?

 

[dumbnhappy]

Here is what I think as someone who is also planning on moving out:

First, secure a better paying job. I know this is easier said than done, but look for a different job that pays better even if its by 1 dollar. Keep your current job until you find another one.

You need a savings account. Preferably high yield savings. These have 4% APY, that money each month adds up.

Make a budget. How much do you need on a down payment? What about an emergency fund? Do you need to put aside money for meds? How much will you spend on food? etc

Put off the surgeries until basic necessities are met, such as shelter. Basically try putting off surgery until you can move out. That is just my advice, because healing from surgery with family that is not supportive is not wise.

Lastly, I highly HIGHLY encourage that you and your gf rethink her staying out of the workforce. It is extremely difficult to do everything on your own when you dont have a high paying job, and while I sympathize with her having ADHD, I do not think that its a good idea for her to have zero income. What happens if you do move out and you lose your job? and what if you cant find a better paying job? Its unfair to do this all on your own.

I wish you two good luck!

Edit: I forgot to mention, but a lot of FFS is covered under insurance plans. Once you are stable enough, it would be a good idea to look into insurance plans that cover such procedures!

 

[toxicjester]

Here is what I think as someone who is also planning on moving out:

First, secure a better paying job. I know this is easier said than done, but look for a different job that pays better even if its by 1 dollar. Keep your current job until you find another one.

You need a savings account. Preferably high yield savings. These have 4% APY, that money each month adds up.

Make a budget. How much do you need on a down payment? What about an emergency fund? Do you need to put aside money for meds? How much will you spend on food? etc

Put off the surgeries until basic necessities are met, such as shelter. Basically try putting off surgery until you can move out. That is just my advice, because healing from surgery with family that is not supportive is not wise.

Lastly, I highly HIGHLY encourage that you and your gf rethink her staying out of the workforce. It is extremely difficult to do everything on your own when you dont have a high paying job, and while I sympathize with her having ADHD, I do not think that its a good idea for her to have zero income. What happens if you do move out and you lose your job? and what if you cant find a better paying job? Its unfair to do this all on your own.

I wish you two good luck!

Edit: I forgot to mention, but a lot of FFS is covered under insurance plans. Once you are stable enough, it would be a good idea to look into insurance plans that cover such procedures!

I do have two savings accounts but it feels like anytime I have some sort of savings I end up having some kind of emergency or just need to use it(one time I had to drop everything in there because my car keys got ran over and I had to pay out the ass for new ones). Still, I guess all I can do there is still try again

Also, while her ADHD is a big factor in her not returning, the much bigger thing is her dysphoria and as a result, her agoraphobia. Her dysphoria is so bad that sometimes she can't even do something like watching a TV show without feeling like she looks pretty and as a result, won't watch said show until like a week later. I can't remember the last time we went out for a date. That's why helping her with her transition is one of the big things that I need to help her with

 

[JoysoftheEmptiness]

Being there is the best thing you can do. Sorry, that's my pathetic input here.

 

[dumbnhappy]

I do have two savings accounts but it feels like anytime I have some sort of savings I end up having some kind of emergency or just need to use it(one time I had to drop everything in there because my car keys got ran over and I had to pay out the ass for new ones). Still, I guess all I can do there is still try again

Also, while her ADHD is a big factor in her not returning, the much bigger thing is her dysphoria and as a result, her agoraphobia. Her dysphoria is so bad that sometimes she can't even do something like watching a TV show without feeling like she looks pretty and as a result, won't watch said show until like a week later. I can't remember the last time we went out for a date. That's why helping her with her transition is one of the big things that I need to help her with

Wow. My heart goes out to her, thank you for explaining altho you didnt have to. I definitely understand that saving can be incredibley difficult esp in this economy. This is all financial difficulty related, so if you want to prioritize her surgery its going to be an uphill battle financially. I would still stick to the advice in my first post, however here are the tweaks:

Are your savings accounts regular? that .01% will not do anything for you. I would still look for that 4-5% APY high yield savings account.

Research. Look for health insurance which covers these surgeries or at least some of them, and then look at the pricing. based on the price of your desired plan, set a savings goal.

Budget. Time to penny pinch and I mean to the extreme. See if there is any area in which you can lessen spending. even if it seems minimal, it could really make a difference.

Once you reach your goal, dont stop. Your next goal would be moving out. I really hope you reach this goal and I think she's very lucky to have found someone so caring and willing to put her first as she deserves.

 

[-Link-]

Based on your other recent thread and on what you've said here, it may be advisable to start laying the groundwork for a disability application for her. Namely, compiling medical history that documents a severe, persistent impact on her day-to-day functioning.

Definitely keep doing what you're doing as far as furthering her transition, finding a job, and moving out, but while doing this, I would also look at the application process for disability supports in your locality.

 

[toxicjester]

Wow. My heart goes out to her, thank you for explaining altho you didnt have to. I definitely understand that saving can be incredibley difficult esp in this economy. This is all financial difficulty related, so if you want to prioritize her surgery its going to be an uphill battle financially. I would still stick to the advice in my first post, however here are the tweaks:

Are your savings accounts regular? that .01% will not do anything for you. I would still look for that 4-5% APY high yield savings account.

Research. Look for health insurance which covers these surgeries or at least some of them, and then look at the pricing. based on the price of your desired plan, set a savings goal.

Budget. Time to penny pinch and I mean to the extreme. See if there is any area in which you can lessen spending. even if it seems minimal, it could really make a difference.

Once you reach your goal, dont stop. Your next goal would be moving out. I really hope you reach this goal and I think she's very lucky to have found someone so caring and willing to put her first as she deserves.

One of my accounts is a shitty little .15% but the other one is a 3.90% APY. I guess I should look for another one but I do also have a couple dents and I don't know if that impacts it at all.

And she does currently have insurance with her mom but it is shitty insurance from what I know. I used to have Medicaid but it recently expired so I need to see if I could renew that. I'll see if I can some some insurance that could potentially help.

And yea I think we could reduce our spending a little. I'll definitely talk with her on that one and see what we can do

Your words mean so much to me. I get so worried that I'm not enough for her especially because of not wanting to exist much longer, but to me she's worth that and so much more, so I'm willing to try

Being there is the best thing you can do. Sorry, that's my pathetic input here.

I don't think that's pathetic! I appreciate the advice and the fact that you commented at all!

Based on your other recent thread and on what you've said here, it may be advisable to start laying the groundwork for a disability application for her. Namely, compiling medical history that documents a severe, persistent impact on her day-to-day functioning.

Definitely keep doing what you're doing as far as furthering her transition, finding a job, and moving out, but while doing this, I would also look at the application process for disability supports in your locality.

We did actually talk about that yesterday, but she did mention that it felt like "stolen valor" which is really funny since I was on disability for the longest time and had even less qualifications than she does. I definitely want to see how we could get that rolling for her, maybe I'll ask my mother since she's helped me with my own application in the past

As always I appreciate your words and advice, you're always so well articulated with it
Also update on this a little: apparently when her mom was getting into it yesterday she mentioned that after her brother graduates(he's in high school) that she'd be selling or renting the house and moving in with her current bf. So this situation just turned more urgent in that, if we don't move soon we might actually lose our home