Here supporting you going on. I've been through the suicide of someone close and I had never considered suicide before that. I know how hard recovery and moving forward are. I hope you'll be compassionate and gentle with yourself as you experience whatever you experience.
I'm kind of glad you're here, as long as it serves you, rather than in a survivor recovery group, though that can serve as well and I don't want to deter you from it. It's just that in such groups, suicide is made to be an enemy that caused harm to others, rather than a choice that wasn't intended as an assualt. It's difficult because the survivor can feel victimized by what happened, but there's not an external cause to blame like an illness or an accident. Blame discharges discomfort, even if it's self-blame. Not having anything or anyone to blame is really difficult to manage. Still, if it serves you to be in a group that can help you process your grief and that is something you seek, I hope you find one. Maybe a hospital near you has some kind of a support group so that you can get some human contact?
Sending you my compassion. If I were nearby and also had the capacity as I used to to give you a hug and sit with you as a friend to process all this, I would. I hope there is someone who can do that for you, though I know right now that may be challenging since you shared friends in common. So at the very least, I'm sending a hug for when you need one, it's reusable.
