TheOrangeEatsCreeps
Member
- May 2, 2024
- 20
I don't want to "come to christ" anyone. I'm in fervent agreement with the core philosophy of this site (that every individual should have the right to a painless death if they so choose). But- I sincerely hope this helps someone if they're in an applicable situation. Three months ago, I had bit the bullet (if you'll pardon the expression) and bought some SN. I'd been living with an extremely volatile roommate for two years. He stole every bit of cash I had, would constantly threaten physical violence, and maliciously, intentionally decimated my sleep. Speakers pressed against my walls blasting shitty, basic stoner reggae. Sometimes he'd just kick the fucking door open then leave. In those two years, I never got more than 3 hours of sleep. My girlfriend and I found out he was a voyeur when I caught him in the bathroom with the lights off and a hand down his underwear. He'd grow, take, and sell mushrooms, which would be whatever if he wasn't a complete fucking moron. A shroom trip for him consisted of reciting, I shit you not, made-up non-limericks based on alice in wonderland and then becoming psychotically angry. The archetypal nightmare roommate. All this, compounded with other ongoing and prior trauma (homelessness, sexual abuse, near-murder, the whole nine yards) caused me to become intensely agoraphobic and hopeless. I was in constant financial peril due to his theft, missing work because of the sleep he stole, and the already ludicrous rent. The SN arrived, but out of either fear of death or some residual, deeply unconscious hope, I held out for a couple more months and started checking craigslist for apartments again. I'd have the SN with me as I scrolled, always closed in my fist. I'd let a couple grains fall on my tongue, sniff it. It took two months of agonizing effort and four embarrassing tours for something I didn't believe I wanted, let alone ever actually could have, until I found the studio I'm currently at. I dragged a crummy inflatable mattress up 3 flights of stairs, collapsed on it, and enjoyed 12 full hours of uninterrupted sleep. In the month I've been here, conditions have changed at a near-magical rate. In the second week, a friend that I hadn't heard from in 5 years reached out, wanted to go to a hardcore show near me. The next day a different old friend who had screwed me over royally sent a sincere, truly introspective apology to 3 different emails. Who the hell apologizes anymore!? Let alone means it!!? I was given, out of thin air, an opportunity to relieve myself of a hatred that had occupied my thoughts every day for two years. Never going to talk to him again, of course, but I got to experience the unique peace that comes with forgiving someone. Week after, I got myself a dog off craigslist. This sweet little beaglier puppy that I rescued for 50 bucks. It was total simpatico, she was snuggled into my armpit by the first night. Went to some local shops with her, made small talk, and didn't feel like a total neurotic creep for the first time ever. My intention is not to rub it in for you beautiful suffering people, but to inform you of an unusual phenomenon. As far as I can figure it's not karma, or luck, but synchronicity. I find now, that after being buttfucked by the pain and doubt it took to conjure one major good, a whole network of previous impossibilities are magnetized towards me. It's not just "change your mindset" crap, but something buried in our psyche that interlinks human experiences. So, if you're in hell and want to not be in hell, a less bloody alternative is to check craigslist. Maybe get a dog. Try chaos magick. It's all about manipulating synchronicity through ritual. I'm currently using a copy of "thee psychick bible", but I've heard the liber nul is great too. Maybe that part seems fantastical to you, but I know firsthand that it fuckin' works. Obviously I'm still terminally anxious, depressed, have flashbacks, but for the first time in my life I feel like I'm not just living to survive. Flushed the SN. I wish you all absolute peace, however you may find it.
Last edited:
