SomewhatLoved
I now know the depths I reach are limitless
- Apr 12, 2023
- 432
I've been trying to get better for almost a year now.
Last fall I was determined I was going to kill myself, so much that it almost feels strange being alive now because I never expected I would be at this point. I've always been depressed, but at that point I was ill to a level I had never been before. Constant breakdowns, feeling of pressure in my chest near-24/7. I was completing my final clinical rotations for school and I could barely function in my role. I remember I had one week left before graduation and I'm genuinely convinced if I had to keep going for one more week I would have lost it at work and my life would have fallen apart. I remember on my 4th last day, I showed up and I just kind of stood there because I felt so paralyzed and my peer had to guide me through the whole day. I felt so fucking embarrassed by it. I'm honestly surprised I graduated because my performance completely fell off a cliff for that last week. I think I only really managed because I kind of took a step into the background and maybe none of the people evaluating me really noticed what was going on.
After school ended and I was waiting to write my licensing exam, I was convinced I was going to kill myself in that time. I was using that break to plan my suicide, and at one point I was only about 8 days away from the date I had set to go through with my plan. But then my family member took me to a shelter with them to look at animals and convinced me to get a cat. Then I decided I would try to get better, because obviously it would be a shitty thing for me to do to get a cat and then to immediately kill myself so then my cat would have to go back to the shelter. So I tried to get better, and here I am almost a year later. I'm now a healthcare worker, I don't have my cat anymore because as it turns out depressed people aren't good at taking care of animals. I convinced my dad to take my cat on the guise that since I would have to work out of town temporarily I wouldn't be able to take care of him. He's happier now, I think. I'm also happier now to some extent, too. But not really.
I remember in the fall when I was on the borderline, my outlook felt very "black and white" it was like "either I am going to kill myself or I will get over this and everything will get better". I thought all I had to do to get happiness was just wait my turn and it would drop into my lap... but that's not how that works. I was obviously not thinking straight in the state I was in because it's quite obvious that surviving and being happy are two different things.
I don't think I could kill myself now. I don't think I'm upset enough to commit to it, but I sort of wish I was. Life got better but it still doesn't really feel meaningful. I'm just surviving. The worst part is I don't even really want anything, there's nothing that I really aspire to or wish I could have that I feel would make me happy. I'm continuing to further my career, but honestly I don't much care for it. I've thought about the possibility of changing, but I don't think any other job really appeals to me either. I feel isolated, but I've also never really felt comfortable around people and making friends always feels so high-effort to me and never seems to end up well so I've just not even been trying with that. I'm just generally dissatisfied with life and I think I sort of always have been, but it's really hitting me now that it might not get better. I worked hard to get where I am in life and I have a decent job and a career now, but it just doesn't really matter. I have all the same problems I had before, but I just kind of got over a crisis.
It almost feels worse now, because I have a lot of the things that I thought in the past might make me happy and I'm just less happy than ever. It's almost like I've proven to myself that I really can't be happy and that I'm just not really a good person.
Last fall I was determined I was going to kill myself, so much that it almost feels strange being alive now because I never expected I would be at this point. I've always been depressed, but at that point I was ill to a level I had never been before. Constant breakdowns, feeling of pressure in my chest near-24/7. I was completing my final clinical rotations for school and I could barely function in my role. I remember I had one week left before graduation and I'm genuinely convinced if I had to keep going for one more week I would have lost it at work and my life would have fallen apart. I remember on my 4th last day, I showed up and I just kind of stood there because I felt so paralyzed and my peer had to guide me through the whole day. I felt so fucking embarrassed by it. I'm honestly surprised I graduated because my performance completely fell off a cliff for that last week. I think I only really managed because I kind of took a step into the background and maybe none of the people evaluating me really noticed what was going on.
After school ended and I was waiting to write my licensing exam, I was convinced I was going to kill myself in that time. I was using that break to plan my suicide, and at one point I was only about 8 days away from the date I had set to go through with my plan. But then my family member took me to a shelter with them to look at animals and convinced me to get a cat. Then I decided I would try to get better, because obviously it would be a shitty thing for me to do to get a cat and then to immediately kill myself so then my cat would have to go back to the shelter. So I tried to get better, and here I am almost a year later. I'm now a healthcare worker, I don't have my cat anymore because as it turns out depressed people aren't good at taking care of animals. I convinced my dad to take my cat on the guise that since I would have to work out of town temporarily I wouldn't be able to take care of him. He's happier now, I think. I'm also happier now to some extent, too. But not really.
I remember in the fall when I was on the borderline, my outlook felt very "black and white" it was like "either I am going to kill myself or I will get over this and everything will get better". I thought all I had to do to get happiness was just wait my turn and it would drop into my lap... but that's not how that works. I was obviously not thinking straight in the state I was in because it's quite obvious that surviving and being happy are two different things.
I don't think I could kill myself now. I don't think I'm upset enough to commit to it, but I sort of wish I was. Life got better but it still doesn't really feel meaningful. I'm just surviving. The worst part is I don't even really want anything, there's nothing that I really aspire to or wish I could have that I feel would make me happy. I'm continuing to further my career, but honestly I don't much care for it. I've thought about the possibility of changing, but I don't think any other job really appeals to me either. I feel isolated, but I've also never really felt comfortable around people and making friends always feels so high-effort to me and never seems to end up well so I've just not even been trying with that. I'm just generally dissatisfied with life and I think I sort of always have been, but it's really hitting me now that it might not get better. I worked hard to get where I am in life and I have a decent job and a career now, but it just doesn't really matter. I have all the same problems I had before, but I just kind of got over a crisis.
It almost feels worse now, because I have a lot of the things that I thought in the past might make me happy and I'm just less happy than ever. It's almost like I've proven to myself that I really can't be happy and that I'm just not really a good person.
