Recovery Journal

[coconut lover]

Hello everybody!
I am an Italian 36yo guy and I first started to write a journal in Italian but I also thought about doing it in English since the day I've joined the community a few months ago. I was to afraid because my English is not that good to explain and understand everything 100%.
But you know, I have nothing to lose and I really want to improve my English skills while talking freely about both good and bad sides of life!
My English is not that good even if I've spent years abroad that's why I will try from today to write my journal here and in this way I will be able to communicate in English with people who are not against ctb and let those people with no judgement about it, have a view through my thoughts.

Ok, let's start. I am under Quarantene in Italy, even if here they are already in phase 2 of the lockdown due to covid19, because I was in Malaysia untill 9/5/20 and even there I spent 2 months under Quarantene rules.
I don't know you but suicide was always like a god-like figure for me, I always felt like I was going to die soon for all my childhood and after becoming a teenager thinking about CTB was like a stress relief for me.
I escaped depression 1 time in 2013. I really don't know how I did it, I was accumulating from months all I could from from my weekly government drugs stock because I was taking prescription drugs 5 times a day like antidepressants in the morning to benzos at 20:00
but then my 30s birthday came.. I was shocked to realize that even after all the things that I did through my all life I was still alive and with an healthy body because really, to be honest with that voice in my mind constantly repeating to my brain that I was going to die soon I really risked my life soooo many times during my childhood, only getting a few scratches. My humans relationships where naive I'd say, since I wasn't really attached to anyone or anything, I had only human relationship that I could "use" in a way or another, Even with my family.
my peculiarity is to autosabotage my life constantly and I have a really big problem with masochism/sadism behavior.
And maybe a drop or two of narcissistic personally disorder

I screwed up my life since I had the chance to do it, you know, lying constantly to everyone (even and especially to myself) through my entire life that after a while I realized that what was happening in my head was not really happening in real life and viceversa??
I also had a constant addiction issue to drugs and even if I smoked my first joint at 21, at 19 I did my first shoot of heroine.. I tried almost everything it was not mixed with tobacco before been 20.
I understand now that my masochist behavior, my addiction behavior and the life I lived are connected rings of the same chain.

today is my last day of quarantine and from tomorrow I will be able to go out and stay with friends. Even if I know that happiness must start within me and I am the only author of the book of my life I really need a shoulder and some hugs!
I am a bit scared also to see some of them because most of my closest ring of friends use cocaine on a weekly basis - I was much worse than them btw, I am clean from hard drugs since 5th December 2019, I had some pots and got drunk once in the last month-


last winter I took a jump and I bet on myself, I lost the bet and now I am falling so if I don't learn how to fly I will smash my ugly ass in the ground.
I will start to see a psychologist once a week, trying to stay outside as much as I can, stay with positive people and having positive thoughts, being pleasant and present in every moment I am awake without letting my brain think about past or future events


if anybody have any suggestions, questions or you want to talk about your recovery experience or even just who was the sexiest among the sailor moon characters please feel free to write anything you want


C.L.

 

[Yomyom]

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

Be honest with your psychologist as much as possible, Don't be ashamed to replace a psychologist if you don't have chemistry.

If you feel impulsive, remember that a closed ward or hospitalization is not necessarily a bad thing and can give you time to think

 

[coconut lover]

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

Be honest with your psychologist as much as possible, Don't be ashamed to replace a psychologist if you don't have chemistry.

If you feel impulsive, remember that a closed ward or hospitalization is not necessarily a bad thing and can give you time to think

Thanks! I had a 4 years experience with psychologists and psychiatrists when I had the last very bad time like 10 years ago, but I wasn't able to choose/change them. I heard good things about this therapist I will see soon (I hope) because otherwise I will be able to talk about this only with myself and just a few friends..
I am not 100% sure if tell her about my suicidal thoughts during the first time even if I think it might be the best option.

Hospitalization is really hard to do for me, here Al the private ones are super expensive and if I go to a state hospital / ward it will be written on my file

 

[K-O]

Hiya mate lol im not the sailor moon type but they do look juicy tbh!
thanks for sharing and good luck with your first new steps, sounds exiting and don't try too hard to be pleasant and present as you wrote.. im not a fan of fake it till you make it, if it comes naturally off course, but not forced.. that could have bad consequences imo..
i can relate from my part to the struggles with drug addictions from a young age.. and if you want to get clean your life changes cause your mates are users and us addicts don't know how to just use recreationally (weekly as you wrote) like a lot of others do and sometimes they don't get it tbh.. so if you're serious with starting fresh keep a safe distance and be brave! i think its great you'll have a therapist now.. its fucking hard to do alone.. dont rush it and be kind to your self in your way..
ive done the cold turkey rehab alone and ended face down in the mud here at ss :)
yeah keep busy try not to miss appointments, and indulge your self with opening up and being hones with people.. it can be refreshing and surprising (and if it is dissapointing? fuck em!) specially if its a new for you.. keep us posted on your new me journal :) laters x

 

[coconut lover]

Hiya mate lol im not the sailor moon type but they do look juicy tbh!
thanks for sharing and good luck with your first new steps, sounds exiting and don't try too hard to be pleasant and present as you wrote.. im not a fan of fake it till you make it, if it comes naturally off course, but not forced.. that could have bad consequences imo..
i can relate from my part to the struggles with drug addictions from a young age.. and if you want to get clean your life changes cause your mates are users and us addicts don't know how to just use recreationally (weekly as you wrote) like a lot of others do and sometimes they don't get it tbh.. so if you're serious with starting fresh keep a safe distance and be brave! i think its great you'll have a therapist now.. its fucking hard to do alone.. dont rush it and be kind to your self in your way..
ive done the cold turkey rehab alone and ended face down in the mud here at ss :)
yeah keep busy try not to miss appointments, and indulge your self with opening up and being hones with people.. it can be refreshing and surprising (and if it is dissapointing? fuck em!) specially if its a new for you.. keep us posted on your new me journal :) laters x

Thanks for your answer!
Ahahah! Yeah they do look juicy!

I am questioning everything I did I my life because I can see now I was mostly doing things under a masochist impulse.
yeah, being pleasant and present is one of the top point of my list because my mind is always in another place and I really did a lot of shit lately because of this, and for sure my insecurities boost this mindset.

I talked to my recreationally users friends, telling them I will not be part of their nights party but they are still my friends and I'd still like to hangout with them sometimes. But I know I need to go away before they start to use it.
Even if I don't like cocaine and in my good moments I had no problem to stay with people using it without craving it because my favorite drug is heroine and I thought I could control everything it wasn't heroine. Actually in the beginning was true like I said I had no problem to stay sober for years but in the last 2/3 years I can't control anything and I even did months drunk 24/7 thinking it was ok since It was not and actual hard drug..
I had a couple of could turkey in my life too with heroine leaving Italy for living in places where I had no way to get it but then Everytime I am back to my country after a few weeks I start to using it to get a smile on my face and on my heart
So I have to change the mindset of getting high because I am suffering from the worse case of depression I've ever had and I think if I will use it again I could die of an involuntary OD.
Oh one last thing i am not the average heroine user, while using it I always had a life and a job, I never asked for money or stole it to buy H. and helped everyone I could

 

[K-O]

yep so you're a functional junky and that's good :)
also v happy to hear u don't like coce (?!?)
drink is a hard drug indeed mate.. the lies we tell ourselves are bitter sweet.. the fact is your eyes are open and you've made a decision mate so hats off! x
yeah that masochist impulse is a very close friend indeed.. we're the same age btw so i'm also rooting for you and can relate to the past vs future limbo mindfuck.. im not in recovery but none the less i feel you and i know the strong feelings and craving for h.. sometimes it seems as the only reliable thing..
but you want to live and tbh i'm exited for you :)
and you can always use this space as you do now to keep distracted and write etc..
get out there! enjoy the sun! quarantines over!
and i will just stay home :)
cheers x

 

[coconut lover]

Yeah I guess I am functional most of the time.. like 2 years ago I left my job and travelled south east Asia, It began as a 3 months travel but at the end was almost for a year, actually tbh I managed to get high in Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos, but I did not know I was going to find anything to get high while travelling.

Yeah , I don't like coke.. I mean I can manage to have fun with it if I am really in a good mood, but otherwise I will end just stay at home getting drunk to sniff and viceversa.. it's something that I do just for addiction but not for actual fun.. I rather drink less than get drunk and sniff coke to be able to drink more and more..
Sorry if I ask but you said you are not in recovering right? That mean you are thinking about CTB ? Can I ask which method you think to use? Because I always thought about Heroine OD but I actually don't want to be my death connected with heroine for the peace of my mother's soul.

I am still under Quarantene until tomorrow because I was in Malaysia but tomorrow I will be able to step out this house!

 

[K-O]

Yeah I guess I am functional most of the time.. like 2 years ago I left my job and travelled south east Asia, It began as a 3 months travel but at the end was almost for a year, actually tbh I managed to get high in Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos, but I did not know I was going to find anything to get high while travelling.

Yeah , I don't like coke.. I mean I can manage to have fun with it if I am really in a good mood, but otherwise I will end just stay at home getting drunk to sniff and viceversa.. it's something that I do just for addiction but not for actual fun.. I rather drink less than get drunk and sniff coke to be able to drink more and more..
Sorry if I ask but you said you are not in recovering right? That mean you are thinking about CTB ? Can I ask which method you think to use? Because I always thought about Heroine OD but I actually don't want to be my death connected with heroine for the peace of my mother's soul.

I am still under Quarantene until tomorrow because I was in Malaysia but tomorrow I will be able to step out this house!

i too was under the impression of overdosing via oxy mixed with other shit (h like you say but oxy is just a purer form of it and h doesn't have the same effect like h.. i need h when i dont want to feel anymore tbh.. oxy is v different for me.. it takes me back to my love ). being on ss is making me doubt this "method".. i dont want to deal with the after math of "failing" after od again.. so im slowly starting to flirt with other options.. im not as logical as many here.. its hard for me to engage in method research in public.. im v private person when it comes to these things.. i was in "recovery" last year for the first time full thrust and then crashed to pieces.. the last blow.. i just want this last chapter to be clean from outside input and do something for my self as in not struggle with indulging others any longer.. ive abandoned that part of me.. what i need and love will never come back and so i just want to be in an uncontaminated space now..

 

[Myforevercharlie]

No sailor moon here as well, but i liked reading your story. Just be honest with your therapist, lying or not telling the whole thing will only get to you even harder

First day out of quarentine i went absolutely nuts, finally seeing people again. I really hope it will be the same to you!

Im always open for a good chat, so feel free to pm

 

[coconut lover]

i too was under the impression of overdosing via oxy mixed with other shit (h like you say but oxy is just a purer form of it and h doesn't have the same effect like h.. i need h when i dont want to feel anymore tbh.. oxy is v different for me.. it takes me back to my love ). being on ss is making me doubt this "method".. i dont want to deal with the after math of "failing" after od again.. so im slowly starting to flirt with other options.. im not as logical as many here.. its hard for me to engage in method research in public.. im v private person when it comes to these things.. i was in "recovery" last year for the first time full thrust and then crashed to pieces.. the last blow.. i just want this last chapter to be clean from outside input and do something for my self as in not struggle with indulging others any longer.. ive abandoned that part of me.. what i need and love will never come back and so i just want to be in an uncontaminated space now..

Good morning! Today is a really bad day! Ahahah! I had a relapse Yesterday, got drunk a found H. I smoked it but only because I had no syringe..
and you know what? I don't feel ashamed as I should do
This scare me a little bit..
I tried oxy in Cambodia but I was also high on ketamin so I did not recognize the difference
if I will do by OD I will be sure I got more than enough, it should be 0,5 g of pure H so I will do like 2,5 g and I will go in the middle of a Forrest so nobody will be able to call an ambulance and save me with naloxone.
I was also thinking about hanging to not be connected with H just for my mother because that will hurt her so much

I understand what you say about that what you need and love will not come back, is the same for me, but the worse part is that I deserve it, I had the keys of the paradise and I transform it in hell.. I need to make peace with myself and learn from this enormous mistake I did.

No sailor moon here as well, but i liked reading your story. Just be honest with your therapist, lying or not telling the whole thing will only get to you even harder

First day out of quarentine i went absolutely nuts, finally seeing people again. I really hope it will be the same to you!

Im always open for a good chat, so feel free to pm

How is possible nobody is into sailor moon?

I am a bit scared that if I will tell her immediately that I have suicidal thoughts she will not accept me as a patient..

The Quarantene is over but my mood is so bad that even if I've been months without go out and now I could do it I am staying at home anyway...

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Good morning! Today is a really bad day! Ahahah! I had a relapse Yesterday, got drunk a found H. I smoked it but only because I had no syringe..
and you know what? I don't feel ashamed as I should do
This scare me a little bit..
I tried oxy in Cambodia but I was also high on ketamin so I did not recognize the difference
if I will do by OD I will be sure I got more than enough, it should be 0,5 g of pure H so I will do like 2,5 g and I will go in the middle of a Forrest so nobody will be able to call an ambulance and save me with naloxone.
I was also thinking about hanging to not be connected with H just for my mother because that will hurt her so much

I understand what you say about that what you need and love will not come back, is the same for me, but the worse part is that I deserve it, I had the keys of the paradise and I transform it in hell.. I need to make peace with myself and learn from this enormous mistake I did.


How is possible nobody is into sailor moon?

I am a bit scared that if I will tell her immediately that I have suicidal thoughts she will not accept me as a patient..

The Quarantene is over but my mood is so bad that even if I've been months without go out and now I could do it I am staying at home anyway...

It takes s bit of getting used to it again


I didn't think it would, but i came out of quarentine not feeling the same person.. I really hope its temporary..

 

[K-O]

Good morning! Today is a really bad day! Ahahah! I had a relapse Yesterday, got drunk a found H. I smoked it but only because I had no syringe..
and you know what? I don't feel ashamed as I should do
This scare me a little bit..
I tried oxy in Cambodia but I was also high on ketamin so I did not recognize the difference
if I will do by OD I will be sure I got more than enough, it should be 0,5 g of pure H so I will do like 2,5 g and I will go in the middle of a Forrest so nobody will be able to call an ambulance and save me with naloxone.
I was also thinking about hanging to not be connected with H just for my mother because that will hurt her so much

I understand what you say about that what you need and love will not come back, is the same for me, but the worse part is that I deserve it, I had the keys of the paradise and I transform it in hell.. I need to make peace with myself and learn from this enormous mistake I did.


How is possible nobody is into sailor moon?

I am a bit scared that if I will tell her immediately that I have suicidal thoughts she will not accept me as a patient..

The Quarantene is over but my mood is so bad that even if I've been months without go out and now I could do it I am staying at home anyway...

I will pm you in a bit.. morning x

 

[coconut lover]

I have to say I am just a piece of shit.. I can't do promises not even to myself. I am just waisted space in this world.
yesterday i had H with me, I had to meet my ex gf and the bag felt out of my pocket and she saw it.
I think I unawares did it to keep her away from me. I don't deserve her and she is safer without me in her life. I knew she was going to getting closer and I can't hurt her again.
I think I should just go away and disappear