Discussion recovery path questions

[Buh-bye!]

greetings. i have been off of the path of suicide for a long tie now, months. although the idea of suicide still exists in my mind and i can still force myself to it ( force being the operative here ). but i don't long for that anymore due to two reasons ( there are more but my tiny fog filled brain can only think of two ). they are 1) i have turned soft and afraid again, fear social judgements and whanot you get the idea. timid. number 2) i have been hiding in movies/shows for so long now i like the dramatic idea of things. that big house, that lonely lifestyle all by yourself maybe a farm far away fromm civilization yet could have access to modern technology - all that basically. now i know the first reason is more strong than the second.
here's about my recovery and a possible question - i might just put efforts in my betterment by preparing for something that somehow enhances my future if worked. for instance an examination for a better scope although i am considerably dumb for most. so there's a massive possibility i fail. the dilema i face is if i change my routine to extensively prepare for something for 3 months, pushing myself more and more closer to the idea of living and being normal - if i anyhow fail after all that, i would be even devastated but wouldn't want that to be a reason for my suicide ( if in case i consider suicide after failing ). i think i just want to know if i should put these 3 months IN, leave my original personality that's comprising of all this anxiety and grief for this certain period of time, change and become someone else. my persona is at risk and obviously by that time ( i mean after the 3-4 or wtv months ) i'll have less suicidal ideation since i'll be more lively than, consumed by all sorts of greed. so should i do this or not - what would you have done in my case.

i apologize if you have trouble understanding my sentences i know mess up with words and punctuations. don't feel compelled to answer if not wanting to
good night

 

[derpyderpins]

Part of the path to recovery will always include setbacks. My current theory includes the steps (1) recognize something is wrong, (2) accept that it can get better, (3) take steps towards that better, realizing there will be setbacks.

Not written in stone or anything, but that's how I see recovery. It sounds like you're good on 1 and 2. So, with whatever you're thinking of preparing for and trying, you have to build into your expectations that you might fail and that failure is okay. If you successfully attempt, even if the attempt is a failure, the fact that the attempt was made is a success in and of itself. Being able to put yourself out there and try is huge.

 

[Buh-bye!]

Part of the path to recovery will always include setbacks. My current theory includes the steps (1) recognize something is wrong, (2) accept that it can get better, (3) take steps towards that better, realizing there will be setbacks.

Not written in stone or anything, but that's how I see recovery. It sounds like you're good on 1 and 2. So, with whatever you're thinking of preparing for and trying, you have to build into your expectations that you might fail and that failure is okay. If you successfully attempt, even if the attempt is a failure, the fact that the attempt was made is a success in and of itself. Being able to put yourself out there and try is huge.

i reckon i did realize these things i think everybody does but i sort of was looking for someone to say it to me i guess. whatever it was i am glad, thankyou for putting in your time for this man, appreciate it. i was too filled with some fairy tale like thought due to my excessive media consumption, i had to realize that things are always messed up and living here is always gonna have hurtful consequences. i just gotta ignore them and carry on if i do actually want to stay.