SinisterKid
Visionary
- Jun 1, 2019
- 2,113
Looked in the mirror, what did I see, I saw the Devil creeping up on me.
Lyrics from a song I have always enjoyed listening to. From time to time, I get that feeling where I sense the darkness creeping up on me, ready and willing to engulf me once again. I am sure many of us/you have been there. But right here and now, I am free of the darkness and I have to find ways and means of remaining that way. It could, of course, all come crashing down around me, but I am trying desperately hard to not allow that to happen.
I really do believe in striking whilst the iron is hot. Suddenly, I have found myself making some tentative plans. I fuckin hate my new neighbours with a vengeance. I need to get the fuck outta here and start again. But I am shackled. Its not just all about me. But as usual, I doubt things will work out how I would like them to. But I have to try. The numbers add up, it makes a lot of sense, it could mean we are set up for the remainder of our days. Now I just have to convince her of that and lets face it, my track record of doing that is poor at best. Stubborn does not even begin to cover it. But things are in motion, driven by me and if something does not change and soon, the darkness will take me again and I seriously doubt there will be any coming back from it. Not after last time. How I came through that I have no idea. Maybe I am stronger and more determined than I thought I could be.
I have found myself daring to hope again. I want to work. Part time would be ideal. Anything considered. Its in me and always has been. I am a grafter. I enjoy getting my hands dirty. OK, this time it will be different, I cannot do what I used to be able to do, but I must have something to offer someone, somewhere. Fucking McDonalds or Pizza Hut would do me. I have my little pension pot, just need a small income to supplement it and suddenly, a lot more doors open and I can see daylight again. I feel its all within touching distance, but just out of reach. I need to find a way to make it happen. Fuck the DWP and their PIP and ESA, shove it where the sun dont shine. I need to be independent again, I need to wrest control back.
We either find a way.......or make one.
A saying used by my old poker buddy. Not one I was familiar with at all, but it always resonates with me. Now more than ever. I need to find a way. I know the obstacles, but they are not insurmountable, are they? I have overcome worse, I think. Maybe thats rose tinted spectacles, I dont know. Were things so bad? I know a lot of people, much worse off than I am who find a way, to whatever and wherever they want to be, so is it unrealistic to believe I can as well? If I stagnate again, what is next? More of the same? Another 11 years of abject misery? No fucking way hose A, I simply cannot contemplate that. This is my last shot at life. Let this drift by and what is left?
Dont let the bastards grind you down!
The bastard in this instance being life. It has ground me down. Me, the fighting man. Have I got anything, enough, left in the tank? a month ago I would have said no. But the anger generated by those twats upstairs, its relit fires I long thought extinguished. Its like all the frustration that has built up is ready to flood out and when it does, I pity the poor fucker who is in front of me. I hope I can keep a lid on it, but I am seething angry, not just mad angry and I really do feel like going for the throat. I have never hit a woman, I hate violence against women. But the brother, or boyfriend, or whoever the fuck he is, he really does not want to meet me face to face. Social housing is a fuckin joke. The same thing that happened 23 yrs ago is happening again. No doubt the outcome will be the same, we lose a home we have made with our own hard work and money we have earned. Thats why now is the time to tell em to fuck off and get a little place of our own. So sick of this bastard of a life trying to grind me down. Enough is enough.
So thats me and my reflective mood of late. Trying to swim against the tide is never easy, but sometimes, its all we have, sink or swim. I have to think and believe I can do this and continue to do it. If the wheels come off, at least I can say I tried, I gave it everything I had left. To not even try would be a betrayal of my soul. Usually, when thinking like this, the anxiety of change is running rampant and I am scared of my own shadow, but this time, its not there. I am calm with the choices I am trying to make.
Toodle Pip
Lyrics from a song I have always enjoyed listening to. From time to time, I get that feeling where I sense the darkness creeping up on me, ready and willing to engulf me once again. I am sure many of us/you have been there. But right here and now, I am free of the darkness and I have to find ways and means of remaining that way. It could, of course, all come crashing down around me, but I am trying desperately hard to not allow that to happen.
I really do believe in striking whilst the iron is hot. Suddenly, I have found myself making some tentative plans. I fuckin hate my new neighbours with a vengeance. I need to get the fuck outta here and start again. But I am shackled. Its not just all about me. But as usual, I doubt things will work out how I would like them to. But I have to try. The numbers add up, it makes a lot of sense, it could mean we are set up for the remainder of our days. Now I just have to convince her of that and lets face it, my track record of doing that is poor at best. Stubborn does not even begin to cover it. But things are in motion, driven by me and if something does not change and soon, the darkness will take me again and I seriously doubt there will be any coming back from it. Not after last time. How I came through that I have no idea. Maybe I am stronger and more determined than I thought I could be.
I have found myself daring to hope again. I want to work. Part time would be ideal. Anything considered. Its in me and always has been. I am a grafter. I enjoy getting my hands dirty. OK, this time it will be different, I cannot do what I used to be able to do, but I must have something to offer someone, somewhere. Fucking McDonalds or Pizza Hut would do me. I have my little pension pot, just need a small income to supplement it and suddenly, a lot more doors open and I can see daylight again. I feel its all within touching distance, but just out of reach. I need to find a way to make it happen. Fuck the DWP and their PIP and ESA, shove it where the sun dont shine. I need to be independent again, I need to wrest control back.
We either find a way.......or make one.
A saying used by my old poker buddy. Not one I was familiar with at all, but it always resonates with me. Now more than ever. I need to find a way. I know the obstacles, but they are not insurmountable, are they? I have overcome worse, I think. Maybe thats rose tinted spectacles, I dont know. Were things so bad? I know a lot of people, much worse off than I am who find a way, to whatever and wherever they want to be, so is it unrealistic to believe I can as well? If I stagnate again, what is next? More of the same? Another 11 years of abject misery? No fucking way hose A, I simply cannot contemplate that. This is my last shot at life. Let this drift by and what is left?
Dont let the bastards grind you down!
The bastard in this instance being life. It has ground me down. Me, the fighting man. Have I got anything, enough, left in the tank? a month ago I would have said no. But the anger generated by those twats upstairs, its relit fires I long thought extinguished. Its like all the frustration that has built up is ready to flood out and when it does, I pity the poor fucker who is in front of me. I hope I can keep a lid on it, but I am seething angry, not just mad angry and I really do feel like going for the throat. I have never hit a woman, I hate violence against women. But the brother, or boyfriend, or whoever the fuck he is, he really does not want to meet me face to face. Social housing is a fuckin joke. The same thing that happened 23 yrs ago is happening again. No doubt the outcome will be the same, we lose a home we have made with our own hard work and money we have earned. Thats why now is the time to tell em to fuck off and get a little place of our own. So sick of this bastard of a life trying to grind me down. Enough is enough.
So thats me and my reflective mood of late. Trying to swim against the tide is never easy, but sometimes, its all we have, sink or swim. I have to think and believe I can do this and continue to do it. If the wheels come off, at least I can say I tried, I gave it everything I had left. To not even try would be a betrayal of my soul. Usually, when thinking like this, the anxiety of change is running rampant and I am scared of my own shadow, but this time, its not there. I am calm with the choices I am trying to make.
Toodle Pip
