Relationship and personal development

[Meteora]

What do you think how much one can change or is willing to change for the sake of a relationship?
Is it possible to grow together or is it an illusion?
What if it gets very uncomfortable (what it mostly does because partners mirror eachother), how to get through it or would you rather break up?

 

[amra81nz]

i guess it depends on how willing the person is, but everyone still has a limit i think

 

[Meteora]

i guess it depends on how willing the person is, but everyone still has a limit i think

That's true. Tough to accept people's limits.

 

[SexyIncél]

What do you think how much one can change or is willing to change for the sake of a relationship?

People vary; some people can't reconfigure themselves much at all. But anyone has limits. To do well at anything, I try to figure out how to become the person who's good at it. The better someone is [1], the more I'm willing to do for her [2]. This typically requires me to alter myself — change for her

Spoiler: Footnotes

[1] "Better" person = More intellectual/moral/physical virtues, and willingness to use all 3 to increase my pleasure & decrease my suffering

[2] Increase her pleasure, decrease her suffering. I do this by helping accomplish her goals & remove her obstacles. Obviously, this requires me to figure out her deeper underlying goals/desires/fears, which often requires experimentation & imagination

Is it possible to grow together or is it an illusion?

Typically both change unequally. So one grows more than the other. But more commonly, people grow apart — not together. Because most relationships aren't enduring, for reasons I think Aristotle's right about

What if it gets very uncomfortable (what it mostly does because partners mirror eachother), how to get through it or would you rather break up?

Hmm, I probably don't understand... what becomes uncomfortable? Just some awkwardness about mirroring each other?

Often, helps to call each other girlfriend/boyfriend at first — then soon stop. So your emotional/cultural programming stops kicking in. (Of the sort discussed by Lisa Feldman Barrett)

Cohabitation is often a major problem. Often, many good couples nevertheless shouldn't live together. Some can, but many shouldn't

If you're finding yourself doing actions to save the relationship, then it's useful to ask the logical conclusion of your trajectories

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Never had a relationship so I have no idea. If you're in a relationship then you're probably doing better than a lot of us.

 

[Tenshi_vhc]

I'm currently in a relationship rn and I can say that if you love someone deeply you'll find the bright light you need to get out of the darkest of places. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's for him or if it's for me tho. He can be a little toxic and manipulative but I think it's cause we're young and I'm his first "real" relationship". But I can say it does really work :)

 

[Meteora]

Typically both change unequally. So one grows more than the other. But more commonly, people grow apart — not together.

Yeah that's true unfortunately.

Cohabitation is often a major problem. Often, many good couples nevertheless shouldn't live together. Some can, but many shouldn't

I agree! It can be so much better to have separat apartments. Or at least a big flat with each one having his own room.

Hmm, I probably don't understand... what becomes uncomfortable? Just some awkwardness about mirroring each other?

Like when you get mirrored your past, for example my ex said I'm too dominant. I guess I became like that because I never had anyone to rely on and had to do all by myself from an early age.
Well, that is something I cannot just change because it is a survival mechanism. I wished I could just let go and fall. But in reality it's tough.

Never had a relationship so I have no idea. If you're in a relationship then you're probably doing better than a lot of us.

I was. not anymore.

Sometimes I'm not sure if it's for him or if it's for me tho.

That's exactely the point. if we melt together too much and lose ourselves a bit..... don't know thats how I felt at least after the break-up.

He can be a little toxic and manipulative but I think it's cause we're young and I'm his first "real" relationship

know this! Was the same with my ex and me. i excused his shitty behaviour. Until he dumped me like a piece of trash.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Never had a relationship so I have no idea. If you're in a relationship then you're probably doing better than a lot of us.

I agree with this. This comment is making me wonder just how many people on this site have actually been in a relationship or not. I wonder what the ratio of people who have bsen in a relationship to people who never been in a relationship is like

 

[Meteora]

I agree with this. This comment is making me wonder just how many people on this site have actually been in a relationship or not. I wonder what the ratio of people who have bsen in a relationship to people who never been in a relationship is like

Start a thread :)

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Start a thread :)

I would but I'm not that intrigued about it. Maybe I'd do it in the future but, as for now, nope