Relieved

[Anarchy]

I was thinking of killing myself today, but I'm relieved at the moment and I want to take the time to appreciate that feeling.
Why I do I feel relieved? Because I'm home alone!
For longer than usual, and I feel pretty good at the moment.
I feel free.

My family being in the house makes me feel so uncomfortable.

I didn't want to ask them to go out, because I was so sure that they'd read that as a warning.
But today, I felt emotionless which might be because of my antidepressants, and I was frustrated with my mum about it. I said that they didn't solve any problems. She asked what would make me feel better, and I replied that I want to live alone because I feel like I need my own space.
And she said, "Why don't your dad and I go out and leave you alone for a while?"
I couldn't believe it!
I was so sure they'd still be a bit cautious about it, but my mum was the one to suggest it.
So, any day I feel like attempting, I assume that I can just ask for alone time and I'll be left.

I'm going to visit the tracks today. I already tried some of the gin that I'll be attempting with. It feels so liberating to not have anyone know what I'm up to.
I might even rethink my deadline; move it back up to a week maximum, and prepare myself by visiting the tracks in the meantime. I'm not sure. But I am sure that when I am ready, I cam ask for them to leave the house.
That takes the pressure off a bit. I can attempt in my own time, now.

 

[Anarchy]

On seconds thoughts, I might try to stick to tomorrow. I have an awful cold (possible chest infection?), and the WiFi is acting up.
I'll probably take an overdose and as much alcohol as I can without feeling faint, to try to ensure my death.

I spent about 20 minutes at the tracks at most, and three trains went past.
They looked to be going at a decent speed, too.

Ever since I decided that I'd die by train, I've been hearing train horns more frequently (I live just a few minutes' walk from the tracks). I don't know now how I didn't notice them so often before - they're really quite loud.
I'm scared, but at the moment I feel more excited than anything else. Not sure how I'll feel tomorrow, though.

 

[Anarchy]

If you're hearing horns often that means there's an unmanned, non barriered level crossing for pedestrians/cyclists only, nearby.
Here's an example in this vid.
I've checked the specs of this one and it has a line speed of 90mph and 153 train passes per day. Trains are required to sound the horn on approach.



Zoom into this handy guide and click on the red dots to see the specs of each crossing.
https://www.networkrail.co.uk/communities/safety-in-the-community/level-crossing-safety/

Yep, there is - I've been there a few times. There's a Samaritans poster near the crossing, so hopefully that indicates that it's a good suicide spot.

 

[Anarchy]

@Over n' Out I'm assuming that you're still going ahead with the train method?
If so, what train will you use, and where will you go (tracks above ground/subway, station/open tracks)?

 

[Over n' Out]

Not fixed on timings yet but it'll be overground in the countryside well away from a station after dark. Either a very remote foot crossing or I'll access a nice fast spot by cutting a hole in the fence. Neck on track only so zero damage to train.

 

[Over n' Out]

It'll take more than a wax and polish to get that scratch out.
http://www.ntv.co.jp/englishnews/society/suicide_suspends_bullet_train_service/

 

[FullFat]

Jesus H Christ, man, you have to get out of that house. Is there anywhere you can go?

 

[throwaway123]

It'll take more than a wax and polish to get that scratch out.
http://www.ntv.co.jp/englishnews/society/suicide_suspends_bullet_train_service/

View attachment 882

That's a nice death. Tempting. Very tempting.

 

[lv-gras]

Jesus H Christ, man, you have to get out of that house. Is there anywhere you can go?

kind of have to agree with fullfat here, if not having your family around makes you feel better you deserve more of that

fortunately, it seems that being able to get them away means you have more breathing room for things

 

[Anarchy]

Jesus H Christ, man, you have to get out of that house. Is there anywhere you can go?

I could go on the streets, I guess. But then I'd be found and brought back.

 

[Anarchy]

kind of have to agree with fullfat here, if not having your family around makes you feel better you deserve more of that

fortunately, it seems that being able to get them away means you have more breathing room for things

Yep. I was thinking of giving myself more time, what with the new breathing space, but every day seems like forever, and I don't enjoy it at all. I don't feel like I even need to do anything for the last time.
But then, I am so indecisive that I change my mind almost constantly, so I don't know for sure when I will attempt.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

i told you to go on a journey

walk the Camino de Santiago

tell your parents you need to find yourself

 

[Anarchy]

i told you to go on a journey

walk the Camino de Santiago

tell your parents you need to find yourself

Doesn't seem feasible or helpful in my situation.

 

[FullFat]

I could go on the streets, I guess. But then I'd be found and brought back.

How old are you? Do you know any people you could couch surf with? Shit, even taking out student loans just to get the hell out would be better than your current situation, imo.

 

[Anarchy]

How old are you? Do you know any people you could couch surf with? Shit, even taking out student loans just to get the hell out would be better than your current situation, imo.

I'm 16.
I don't have friends and I'm not close to any of my extended family, so there's no-one to couch-surf with.
I have no idea how to make loans or find a place to rent, and It'd probably make me extremely anxious to move out, because I'd have no idea what to do. Besides, I'm not sure I could apply for student loans as I'm not a student.
I wouldn't find my own place until I'm 18; my parents said that they will help me with that then, and I couldn't do it on my own.

 

[FullFat]

I'm 16.
I don't have friends and I'm not close to any of my extended family, so there's no-one to couch-surf with.
I have no idea how to make loans or find a place to rent, and It'd probably make me extremely anxious to move out, because I'd have no idea what to do. Besides, I'm not sure I could apply for student loans as I'm not a student.
I wouldn't find my own place until I'm 18; my parents said that they will help me with that then, and I couldn't do it on my own.

You say you are not close to your extended family, but do you think any of them would be willing to take you in if your parents asked them?

Also, have you considered emancipation? It would be a long road to hoe, especially when depressed, but living with your parents is going to kill you. You would have to find roommates, work a job, and probably finish school online.

I don't know your life story, but from what I've read, it sounds like such a huge percentage of your issues are tied to your family that attempting an escape first would make more sense than throwing down the ultimate solution.

 

[Anarchy]

You say you are not close to your extended family, but do you think any of them would be willing to take you in if your parents asked them?

Also, have you considered emancipation? It would be a long road to hoe, especially when depressed, but living with your parents is going to kill you. You would have to find roommates, work a job, and probably finish school online.

I don't know your life story, but from what I've read, it sounds like such a huge percentage of your issues are tied to your family that attempting an escape first would make more sense than throwing down the ultimate solution.

I don't think so. My parents wouldn't ask because they wouldn't agree with me moving out, and I'd hate living with extended family members more than I hate living with my family.
I live in the UK where there is no emancipation.
Living with my family is a big problem, but living on my own would only make things a little better, and I'd probably use living on my own to my advantage to be able to kill myself easier.
I'd have to sort everything out for myself if I were to live on my own, and I struggle with basic tasks.
I'd still be just as isolated and anxious and paranoid and depressed, no matter where I live.

 

[Over n' Out]

I don't think so. My parents wouldn't ask because they wouldn't agree with me moving out, and I'd hate living with extended family members more than I hate living with my family.
I live in the UK where there is no emancipation.
Living with my family is a big problem, but living on my own would only make things a little better, and I'd probably use living on my own to my advantage to be able to kill myself easier.
I'd have to sort everything out for myself if I were to live on my own, and I struggle with basic tasks.
I'd still be just as isolated and anxious and paranoid and depressed, no matter where I live.

The biggest myth/lie/control order/fake ideological happiness goal is the expression ''get on the property ladder''
Once on it you're screwed everyway up for basically ever.

 

[FullFat]

I don't think so. My parents wouldn't ask because they wouldn't agree with me moving out, and I'd hate living with extended family members more than I hate living with my family.
I live in the UK where there is no emancipation.
Living with my family is a big problem, but living on my own would only make things a little better, and I'd probably use living on my own to my advantage to be able to kill myself easier.
I'd have to sort everything out for myself if I were to live on my own, and I struggle with basic tasks.
I'd still be just as isolated and anxious and paranoid and depressed, no matter where I live.

You haven't lived anywhere else besides with your parents though, so maybe you could improve. I won't BS you and say you'd become a ray of sunshine, but it may bring you back from the ledge, so to speak. It might be worth it just to talk to them about moving. Even if they refuse, they may give you more distance. Frame it as you trying a different solution. Don't make it about them (since they appear unwilling to accept responsibility), but about you just needing some space and a change in scenery. If you lived with, say, your grandparents, how far would you move away?

 

[Anarchy]

The biggest myth/lie/control order/fake ideological happiness goal is the expression ''get on the property ladder''
Once on it you're screwed everyway up for basically ever.

How come?

 

[Anarchy]

You haven't lived anywhere else besides with your parents though, so maybe you could improve. I won't BS you and say you'd become a ray of sunshine, but it may bring you back from the ledge, so to speak. It might be worth it just to talk to them about moving. Even if they refuse, they may give you more distance. Frame it as you trying a different solution. Don't make it about them (since they appear unwilling to accept responsibility), but about you just needing some space and a change in scenery. If you lived with, say, your grandparents, how far would you move away?

My grandfathers are deceased; one of my grandmother's in a nursing home and the other has a small one-person place. I'd feel really, really awkward and uncomfortable living with any extended family.
I've talked to my dad about it before, and he suggested that I might be able to move into my grandmother's house, if my mother buys all of the shares, but that he'd only allow that when I'm 18. They won't help me to move out until then. They'd think that it wouldn't make any sense to move out now.

 

[Over n' Out]

How come?

Because a mortgage (huge 25+ year debt) leaves you vulnerable to your employer, the bank/building society who lent you the money/your 'partner' who you co-signed the debt with under the illusion you'll stay together forever in bliss. (lol)
Neighbours you dislike but are stuck with.
Oh the list is much longer but that'll do for now.

 

[FullFat]

My grandfathers are deceased; one of my grandmother's in a nursing home and the other has a small one-person place. I'd feel really, really awkward and uncomfortable living with any extended family.
I've talked to my dad about it before, and he suggested that I might be able to move into my grandmother's house, if my mother buys all of the shares, but that he'd only allow that when I'm 18. They won't help me to move out until then. They'd think that it wouldn't make any sense to move out now.

When did you last speak to them about it?

 

[Anarchy]

Because a mortgage (huge 25+ year debt) leaves you vulnerable to your employer, the bank/building society who lent you the money/your 'partner' who you co-signed the debt with under the illusion you'll stay together forever in bliss. (lol)
Neighbours you dislike but are stuck with.
Oh the list is much longer but that'll do for now.

I've always been told that mortgages are insignificant...

 

[Anarchy]

When did you last speak to them about it?

About half a year ago. They won't have changed their mind though. It wouldn't make sense for them to help me move out.

 

[FullFat]

About half a year ago. They won't have changed their mind though. It wouldn't make sense for them to help me move out.

You're right. They probably wouldn't have changed their minds yet. It still might be worth it to bring it up again though. It's worth a try. Unless you think that conversation would make things worse?

 

[Anarchy]

You're right. They probably wouldn't have changed their minds yet. It still might be worth it to bring it up again though. It's worth a try. Unless you think that conversation would make things worse?

Probably. It'd probably feel very illogical to them, or insulting. They'd get frustrated with me.

 

[Tomasnil]

The biggest myth/lie/control order/fake ideological happiness goal is the expression ''get on the property ladder''
Once on it you're screwed everyway up for basically ever.

Is it????

 

[lv-gras]

Living with my family is a big problem, but living on my own would only make things a little better, and I'd probably use living on my own to my advantage
I'd have to sort everything out for myself if I were to live on my own, and I struggle with basic tasks.

Sometimes if you are disabled it can be easier to do things on your own than to do them with people who are bad for you and control you. Control can fuck with your head. It can happen both ways.

anyway, hugs

 

[Over n' Out]

I've always been told that mortgages are insignificant...

It may seem that way to someone that started 20 years ago with reasonable house prices on great wages.

A mortgage is a set of financial handcuffs done up too tightly and they'll only get loosened in 20 years and removed after 25/30

This designed financial restraint keeps you grafting hard daily via fear of repossesion/homelesness and too tired to think of ways to overthrow the govt or system. By the time you get to OWN the house you sweated decades for the govt are eyeing it's value to take off you once you go into a care home that needs paying for at £1000 a week on average depending on care requirements. It could be £800-£2000