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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 248
I grew up in the city in a chaotic home situation and so the first 17-18 years of my life were defined by constant abuse, humiliation, degradation etc. I remember when I used to be a normal enough kid with friends and dreams. Forced to change schools and in under a year, went from being an aspiring scientist/entrepreneur with dreams of attending an elite university to severely suicidal and engaging in acts of self harm. Was only 10. Subsequent years have just consisted of me becoming increasingly neurotic and depressed due to school and home factors and being treated as the problem as soon as I start reacting to years of daily abuse and mistreatment.
I always thought things would get better after high school but at age 19, I'm just sick of everything. I'm a high school dropout, basically excommunicated from my childhood home and whenever I go there I'm made to feel like I "don't belong" and get treated like I'm completely insane and incapable of doing anything (despite everything I have ever worked for). Like a ticking time bomb or something when I'm just trying to go about my life (imagine being broken down for years through spontaneous acts of family/domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse etc and then once you start snapping, they play the victim and nobody rallies behind you and they all basically try to gaslight you into believing that the abuse was all in your head or something)
My only viable living situation is in a rural town basically separated from the main town and overall I hate it. On one hand I should be grateful for finally having a safe and supportive environment to live in, but on the other hand I feel upset being so far away from everything I know. The job market here is incredibly poor, the people have a staring problem (I am darker skinned/poc), can't relate to anyone etc.
For a while I tried giving it a chance and worked for about a month or two but ended up walking out due to basically being mistreated and disrespected every shift. It drove me to suicide after a relatively lengthy period of mental stability.
I just don't care anymore. It's too hard to leave this absolute void of a place. It's so lonely and boring and I just want to live in the city but it's too expensive. I would get a job but I've had 3 jobs which have all ended terribly and so I'm terrified of getting a new one. I'm very likely undiagnosed asd/adhd so this often makes me a target in social settings unless I'm around others of a similar neurotype (uncommon in this town since I presume those people just stay at home due to the lack of opportunity)
Idk I'm just not bothered anymore. Just reluctantly alive but I don't have any effective CTB methods on hand except maybe h^nging but even then it's not 100% effective. The next time I attempt, I don't want to be rescued. I want to go permanently. No point in entertaining this cursed existence any longer, I've fully had enough. Sick of everything just going wrong and feeling out of place in my own life. I wish I had SN or a gun so bad but alas, there are strict border controls for those things where I live.
I need to succeed because I can't do hospitals oh no. Being treated like a criminal and spoken to with condescension just for being sad + plus it just gets used for fuel so they can all be like "see! she is crazy" like I'm so done dude. I used to want help but now I see this world isn't bent on helping anyone. If you can't play by its complex and intricate rules, you may as well die.
I always thought things would get better after high school but at age 19, I'm just sick of everything. I'm a high school dropout, basically excommunicated from my childhood home and whenever I go there I'm made to feel like I "don't belong" and get treated like I'm completely insane and incapable of doing anything (despite everything I have ever worked for). Like a ticking time bomb or something when I'm just trying to go about my life (imagine being broken down for years through spontaneous acts of family/domestic violence, emotional and verbal abuse etc and then once you start snapping, they play the victim and nobody rallies behind you and they all basically try to gaslight you into believing that the abuse was all in your head or something)
My only viable living situation is in a rural town basically separated from the main town and overall I hate it. On one hand I should be grateful for finally having a safe and supportive environment to live in, but on the other hand I feel upset being so far away from everything I know. The job market here is incredibly poor, the people have a staring problem (I am darker skinned/poc), can't relate to anyone etc.
For a while I tried giving it a chance and worked for about a month or two but ended up walking out due to basically being mistreated and disrespected every shift. It drove me to suicide after a relatively lengthy period of mental stability.
I just don't care anymore. It's too hard to leave this absolute void of a place. It's so lonely and boring and I just want to live in the city but it's too expensive. I would get a job but I've had 3 jobs which have all ended terribly and so I'm terrified of getting a new one. I'm very likely undiagnosed asd/adhd so this often makes me a target in social settings unless I'm around others of a similar neurotype (uncommon in this town since I presume those people just stay at home due to the lack of opportunity)
Idk I'm just not bothered anymore. Just reluctantly alive but I don't have any effective CTB methods on hand except maybe h^nging but even then it's not 100% effective. The next time I attempt, I don't want to be rescued. I want to go permanently. No point in entertaining this cursed existence any longer, I've fully had enough. Sick of everything just going wrong and feeling out of place in my own life. I wish I had SN or a gun so bad but alas, there are strict border controls for those things where I live.
I need to succeed because I can't do hospitals oh no. Being treated like a criminal and spoken to with condescension just for being sad + plus it just gets used for fuel so they can all be like "see! she is crazy" like I'm so done dude. I used to want help but now I see this world isn't bent on helping anyone. If you can't play by its complex and intricate rules, you may as well die.
