Venting Reminders of What You Could Have Been

[ScaredOfMachines]

I went out to eat with my family for the first time in forever, and I bumped into someone while I was in there. It was someone who I went to middle school with, I guess he was visiting his family for the holidays. and someone I went to summer camp with a few times. I wouldn't have called us friends, but we had talked a bit about topics that were kind of strange for middle school, so I guess we saw eye-to-eye. We were considered to be some of the smartest kids in the grade as well. Stuck up for me against the other kids a few times too. After we had graduated middle school, he got great grades easily, collected awards like they were candy, and flew through high school until he eventually ended up at Stanford. Meanwhile, I flunked senior year, couldn't go to a college because I couldn't live on my own and ended up living like a leech on disability.

We both had the exact same start, but ended up in completely different situations. Hell, even at the restaurant we were at, he was surrounded by a smiling happy family while I sat at a quiet one, with only the people there who felt obligated to. Even when it came to appearances, he looked professional and well-groomed, while I was sitting there with my overgrown hair and the video game hoodie I had thrown on because I was lazy. But I strangely didn't feel jealous at all, it got me wondering.

Would I have ended up like that if I wasn't the way that I am? Able to go to college with dreams of a career, a family that's proud of me and not just embarrassed, with a long and bright future ahead instead of just dreaming about the day that I catch the bus? It sounds so unlike me that it kind of makes me feel sad. It's difficult for me to imagine, and it makes me wonder if I was just meant to end up this way. But there's this nagging thought that I could have had that too, if I didn't make the choices that I have.

Does anyone else feel this way about people you know? And if you're wondering what was said when bumped into each other, it was nothing. I recognized him, but I don't think he recognized me at all. Or maybe he did and was just so disgusted by what I'd become that he ignored me. Who knows at this point.

 

[sorrymyfault]

It's difficult to get all your problems solved by yourself when nobody cares for you I don't know your situation and won't speak on that but by what I'm reading it seems like that's what happening, when your own family is in shambles motivation doesn't work, when your own people aren't satisfied with yourself you don't live, your only thought in your mind is when will it end or when will I end. Being a child "prodigy" is hard when you know you can't keep this up, the mental struggles are too much to appeal to the ideal

 

[FrancesFarmer]

Classic title, imagining what you could have been...argh, the frustration of it all!
I say this as a 53-year-old, dogged by this beast of an illness, even medicated as a kid back in 1982, when children on meds was almost unheard of. Major depressive disorder, medicated my entire life, trying novel treatment approaches etc etc. well educated but have turned into a [financially] poor, never married, cat lady. My spinster or feline loving status is not the cause of my depression by any means, it's this damn sickness that has been all pervasive for too long. Anyhow that being said... I heard this quote many many years ago and thought to myself 'that's clever, unable to acknowledge the breadth\ full scope
*Remember this quote*
'WISDOM IS LIKE A COMB THAT YOU GET,
AFTER YOU LOSE YOUR HAIR'
Yes, ScaredofMachines, I can fully empathize with your thoughts of wondering what a few different choices would have meant in my life. I realize it is futile but I often wish I could go back and start it all over again. Then again reality takes hold and really wonder, do i want to do it over again?
When I joined this site I turned off the recovery portion of it because I was just interested in learning more about ctb. I have endured 40 years of this and have witnessed my father and two brothers ctb. One thing that helped greatly was taking part in a clinical trial for some very novel pharmaceutical trials, I am also going to be starting IV ketamine soon, not esketamine, but I have plenty of information on that as well which is covered by insurance. Hands down ketamine of loud the sickness to lift for a couple of years, granted still on wacky amounts of medication but if I can be of any assistance please feel free to reach out, or if you just need someone to babble to.
I wish you well
Apologies I do this via Google talk to text so please disregard any grammatical or formatting errors

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

Classic title, imagining what you could have been...argh, the frustration of it all!
I say this as a 53-year-old, dogged by this beast of an illness, even medicated as a kid back in 1982, when children on meds was almost unheard of. Major depressive disorder, medicated my entire life, trying novel treatment approaches etc etc. well educated but have turned into a [financially] poor, never married, cat lady. My spinster or feline loving status is not the cause of my depression by any means, it's this damn sickness that has been all pervasive for too long. Anyhow that being said... I heard this quote many many years ago and thought to myself 'that's clever, unable to acknowledge the breadth\ full scope
*Remember this quote*
'WISDOM IS LIKE A COMB THAT YOU GET,
AFTER YOU LOSE YOUR HAIR'
Yes, ScaredofMachines, I can fully empathize with your thoughts of wondering what a few different choices would have meant in my life. I realize it is futile but I often wish I could go back and start it all over again. Then again reality takes hold and really wonder, do i want to do it over again?
When I joined this site I turned off the recovery portion of it because I was just interested in learning more about ctb. I have endured 40 years of this and have witnessed my father and two brothers ctb. One thing that helped greatly was taking part in a clinical trial for some very novel pharmaceutical trials, I am also going to be starting IV ketamine soon, not esketamine, but I have plenty of information on that as well which is covered by insurance. Hands down ketamine of loud the sickness to lift for a couple of years, granted still on wacky amounts of medication but if I can be of any assistance please feel free to reach out, or if you just need someone to babble to.
I wish you well
Apologies I do this via Google talk to text so please disregard any grammatical or formatting errors

I don't see any grammar errors, but then again I posted my thing with multiple ones so maybe I'm just a bit blind. I sympathize with you a lot though, I've been trying a lot of 'new' treatments as well lately for depression as well, but nothing's ever worked. Hopefully the IV ketamine helps you a lot.

Also the quote about wisdom is pretty correct.

 

[blacksand]

Yes.

My dad was an airline pilot. His final role before retiring was as a near CEO executive position. The guy who took over from him has a son the exact age as me with the exact same name who is a fully licensed copilot and flies a Boeing 777. Meanwhile I am either neet, working at Wendy's or minimum wage laboring jobs and live with my mom. This has been my life for the last 5 years at least since COVID tore apart my final effort to get a big boy job in the city and forced me to move back to this tiny isolated town.

 

[MercenariesofMidgar]

I can't remember how many times people would say something along the lines of "You were so smart, ***, what happened?" to me lol. Honestly, I try not to think about it too much. My "normal" will never be the same as theirs, so I feel like those thoughts are in vain. I've accepted that this is the type of life I will live. Though when it comes up it does sting a bit, especially when it shows how much of a disappointment I am to my family.

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

Classic title, imagining what you could have been...argh, the frustration of it all!
I say this as a 53-year-old, dogged by this beast of an illness, even medicated as a kid back in 1982, when children on meds was almost unheard of. Major depressive disorder, medicated my entire life, trying novel treatment approaches etc etc. well educated but have turned into a [financially] poor, never married, cat lady. My spinster or feline loving status is not the cause of my depression by any means, it's this damn sickness that has been all pervasive for too long. Anyhow that being said... I heard this quote many many years ago and thought to myself 'that's clever, unable to acknowledge the breadth\ full scope
*Remember this quote*
'WISDOM IS LIKE A COMB THAT YOU GET,
AFTER YOU LOSE YOUR HAIR'
Yes, ScaredofMachines, I can fully empathize with your thoughts of wondering what a few different choices would have meant in my life. I realize it is futile but I often wish I could go back and start it all over again. Then again reality takes hold and really wonder, do i want to do it over again?
When I joined this site I turned off the recovery portion of it because I was just interested in learning more about ctb. I have endured 40 years of this and have witnessed my father and two brothers ctb. One thing that helped greatly was taking part in a clinical trial for some very novel pharmaceutical trials, I am also going to be starting IV ketamine soon, not esketamine, but I have plenty of information on that as well which is covered by insurance. Hands down ketamine of loud the sickness to lift for a couple of years, granted still on wacky amounts of medication but if I can be of any assistance please feel free to reach out, or if you just need someone to babble to.
I wish you well
Apologies I do this via Google talk to text so please disregard any grammatical or formatting errors

That comb quote made my eyes widen. It's a ridiculous funny analogy which makes it more scary. It's so true and cautionary. Living that reality is the most scary.

I couldn't tell if you've try the esketamine/ketamine yet, but good luck. Keep at it even if it doesn't seem to help. Hope it's lifechanging.

Being a child "prodigy" is hard when you know you can't keep this up, the mental struggles are too much to appeal to the ideal

Hard cold truth.