-nobodyknows-
Mage
- Jun 16, 2024
- 503
It is that dreaded time of year, the time when my failures shine through. As the world continues to darken, I am trapped on my own. The bright lights that hang around me remind me of those who have left me. They were all such incredible people. I wish I could have been like them. But I have become far too distorted, and my presence only dampened their warmth. And so, they had to leave, for their own sakes. It was the right choice, and I do not blame them.
Why couldn't I have been like them? Why can I not shine the way that they do? At what point did I begin to crave the end of my life? Is there no way for me to become like? To smile the way that they do? I really do want to. It is my greatest wish, to be able to stand with people like that again. I truly hope that one day I can.
As I go through photographs of myself, I cannot help but notice how the light began to fade from my eyes. I wonder if others can see it too. Perhaps one day I will be able to accept how much I have changed. That I have no place in the the lives of others. But if I truly do not belong, then should I really remain here?
I simply need to go away. I have to end my life, for I no longer have the right to be here. If I my existence will only stifle the happiness of others, then I should fade into the darkness. I am certain that it is the correct choice, for if I were to stay, I would only bring misery into the lives of those I want to be close to. If I cannot change, if this is all that is meant for me, if this is all I will ever be, then there is no other choice.
But if there was a way I could change, if there was a way for others to not feel the weight of my despair, and if there was someone who could listen to me, and stomach the weight of my words without destroying themselves, I think that perhaps then, and only then, would I be able to remain here. What a wonderful reality that would be.
Do you think that it could happen? Do you think there is a way for someone to pull me from my despair before it consumes me completely? If it were to happen, I would be so grateful to them. But even so, it would be a huge gamble for them. If someone had that sort of faith in me, would I be able to live on? I certainly would try, but even I cannot say for sure. I would want to though. It would be incredible to one day be able to tell someone "I finally did it, and it was all thanks to you. Thank you so much for being there for me."
But perhaps, I am only feeding my own delusions. Perhaps there really is no way out. It is extremely saddening to consider, but I think I will need to face that possibility soon. I have felt death's pull for over a decade now, and I still have not found anything I can hold on to that is strong enough to support me.
I sincerely hope that, by the time this season comes around again next year, I will have seen a shift, as sign that things will get better. Although, in all honesty, I do not know if I will be able to wait that long. Right now, I can see only one path for myself. It is not one that I would choose, or desire for anyone else, but it is all I have been able to see for such a long time. I've taken every detour that I have come across, but they all led me back to the same place in the end. I think I always knew it would come to this, but I have still fought it. It was rather selfish of me, considering the way my acts of resistance have bled into the lives of others.
And so, for that reason, I have decided to stop running. I do not have the right to cling to others in an attempt to save myself. If someone were to grab me instead, I would be incredibly grateful. But even if they did, would they still end up letting me go in the end? It has happened so many times already, I do not know if I would even be able to trust that they wouldn't.
Though, I suppose that if it were to occur, then I will choose to trust them. After all, considering how unlikely it is that such a thing would occur anyway, I feel like having faith in them is the least that I could do.
I just hope that they will be able to see that I am trying, and that I want to be saved.
Why couldn't I have been like them? Why can I not shine the way that they do? At what point did I begin to crave the end of my life? Is there no way for me to become like? To smile the way that they do? I really do want to. It is my greatest wish, to be able to stand with people like that again. I truly hope that one day I can.
As I go through photographs of myself, I cannot help but notice how the light began to fade from my eyes. I wonder if others can see it too. Perhaps one day I will be able to accept how much I have changed. That I have no place in the the lives of others. But if I truly do not belong, then should I really remain here?
I simply need to go away. I have to end my life, for I no longer have the right to be here. If I my existence will only stifle the happiness of others, then I should fade into the darkness. I am certain that it is the correct choice, for if I were to stay, I would only bring misery into the lives of those I want to be close to. If I cannot change, if this is all that is meant for me, if this is all I will ever be, then there is no other choice.
But if there was a way I could change, if there was a way for others to not feel the weight of my despair, and if there was someone who could listen to me, and stomach the weight of my words without destroying themselves, I think that perhaps then, and only then, would I be able to remain here. What a wonderful reality that would be.
Do you think that it could happen? Do you think there is a way for someone to pull me from my despair before it consumes me completely? If it were to happen, I would be so grateful to them. But even so, it would be a huge gamble for them. If someone had that sort of faith in me, would I be able to live on? I certainly would try, but even I cannot say for sure. I would want to though. It would be incredible to one day be able to tell someone "I finally did it, and it was all thanks to you. Thank you so much for being there for me."
But perhaps, I am only feeding my own delusions. Perhaps there really is no way out. It is extremely saddening to consider, but I think I will need to face that possibility soon. I have felt death's pull for over a decade now, and I still have not found anything I can hold on to that is strong enough to support me.
I sincerely hope that, by the time this season comes around again next year, I will have seen a shift, as sign that things will get better. Although, in all honesty, I do not know if I will be able to wait that long. Right now, I can see only one path for myself. It is not one that I would choose, or desire for anyone else, but it is all I have been able to see for such a long time. I've taken every detour that I have come across, but they all led me back to the same place in the end. I think I always knew it would come to this, but I have still fought it. It was rather selfish of me, considering the way my acts of resistance have bled into the lives of others.
And so, for that reason, I have decided to stop running. I do not have the right to cling to others in an attempt to save myself. If someone were to grab me instead, I would be incredibly grateful. But even if they did, would they still end up letting me go in the end? It has happened so many times already, I do not know if I would even be able to trust that they wouldn't.
Though, I suppose that if it were to occur, then I will choose to trust them. After all, considering how unlikely it is that such a thing would occur anyway, I feel like having faith in them is the least that I could do.
I just hope that they will be able to see that I am trying, and that I want to be saved.
