Hi All - I've been here before, both on the forum and someone who's ready to catch the bus. I decided to take another chance with life, but things change and here we are.I'm not sure why I want to tell my story. Maybe it's to validate that my situation is truly as bleak as it is. Idk...
I'm long winded but let's see if I can net this out:
I'm 55 years old. I've had a minor heart attack, three stents, and just had a quadruple bypass in November. I've been trying to get better and take care of myself but the medicine I'm on makes me tired, my joints ache and makes me horribly, apocalyptically depressed. I can't sleep and have to drug/drink myself to get a few hours of sleep nightly. These surgeries and medicines make me insanely depressed as well as causing really bad brain fog, making my job extremely difficult these days.
I've also had severe diverticulitis and had full open abdominal surgery a few years ago, leaving me badly scarred and with a huge incisional hernia/protruding belly. I also have a very slow blood cancer, that I just keep an eye on - the heart issues will kill me far sooner than the blood cancer will.
Next - ten years ago I left my wife of 26 years because of severe, unreconcilable differences. When that happened, my daughter, who I loved with all my heart and who I had a great relationship with - cut off all contact with me. I haven't heard from her in ten years.
My father died at Thanksgiving - I hadn't spoken to him in 29 years. My mother is pure evil, psychologically dangerous and I also haven't spoken to her in 29 years as well. So, in a nutshell, I have no blood family.
I had to fire my best friend because he was doing a terrible job and putting my career at risk. That was a deep, 20+ year relationship gone. My other best friend just disconnected with me with no warning or reason a few years ago. I don't have any friends of my own.
I remarried 7 years ago, to an amazing woman who's been my soul mate. She has been my reason for living and the one person who has kept me here. I know that my medical issues have taken a toll on her - it's been some heavy stuff and I was healthy when we got together. She's stuck with me through everything... Until now. On our anniversary this week, she told me that while she loves me, she's not in love with me any longer. She's not being harsh or suggesting that she immediately wants out, but her words have just broken me to the core. She's everything to me and now that's gone. She doesn't want to be with someone who's broken medically and is tired of my health issues.
I had to liquidate my 401k, all my investments, and savings in my previous divorce. I make good money, but 60% of it goes to my ex, at least for the next year. My job isn't stable due to some ridiculous shit and it'll be almost impossible to get another job, given my age and health.
I was willing to fight, because I had a relationship that was the world to me, knowing that my health won't last.
I'm done. I can't take the heartache, the deceit, the illness, the pain, the mental issues - depression, anxiety, insomnia. This world has just kicked me way to many times and I'm ready to call it quits. I'm tired beyond words
I'm planning to CTB quick. No reason to stick around now. I'll post again with details on that.
I'm long winded but let's see if I can net this out:
I'm 55 years old. I've had a minor heart attack, three stents, and just had a quadruple bypass in November. I've been trying to get better and take care of myself but the medicine I'm on makes me tired, my joints ache and makes me horribly, apocalyptically depressed. I can't sleep and have to drug/drink myself to get a few hours of sleep nightly. These surgeries and medicines make me insanely depressed as well as causing really bad brain fog, making my job extremely difficult these days.
I've also had severe diverticulitis and had full open abdominal surgery a few years ago, leaving me badly scarred and with a huge incisional hernia/protruding belly. I also have a very slow blood cancer, that I just keep an eye on - the heart issues will kill me far sooner than the blood cancer will.
Next - ten years ago I left my wife of 26 years because of severe, unreconcilable differences. When that happened, my daughter, who I loved with all my heart and who I had a great relationship with - cut off all contact with me. I haven't heard from her in ten years.
My father died at Thanksgiving - I hadn't spoken to him in 29 years. My mother is pure evil, psychologically dangerous and I also haven't spoken to her in 29 years as well. So, in a nutshell, I have no blood family.
I had to fire my best friend because he was doing a terrible job and putting my career at risk. That was a deep, 20+ year relationship gone. My other best friend just disconnected with me with no warning or reason a few years ago. I don't have any friends of my own.
I remarried 7 years ago, to an amazing woman who's been my soul mate. She has been my reason for living and the one person who has kept me here. I know that my medical issues have taken a toll on her - it's been some heavy stuff and I was healthy when we got together. She's stuck with me through everything... Until now. On our anniversary this week, she told me that while she loves me, she's not in love with me any longer. She's not being harsh or suggesting that she immediately wants out, but her words have just broken me to the core. She's everything to me and now that's gone. She doesn't want to be with someone who's broken medically and is tired of my health issues.
I had to liquidate my 401k, all my investments, and savings in my previous divorce. I make good money, but 60% of it goes to my ex, at least for the next year. My job isn't stable due to some ridiculous shit and it'll be almost impossible to get another job, given my age and health.
I was willing to fight, because I had a relationship that was the world to me, knowing that my health won't last.
I'm done. I can't take the heartache, the deceit, the illness, the pain, the mental issues - depression, anxiety, insomnia. This world has just kicked me way to many times and I'm ready to call it quits. I'm tired beyond words
I'm planning to CTB quick. No reason to stick around now. I'll post again with details on that.
