Venting romantic relationships

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i've never been in a romantic relationship, but they're all i can think about. the closest i've gotten to "dating" someone was when i was super young (primary or middle school age) and we just texted "i love you" for a couple days before "breaking up".
i'm just not desirable. everyone just gets tired of me. i don't think i'm very unattractive most of the time. i put a lot of effort into my appearance and i'm often told that i'm pretty or cute, i've had a countless amount of people confess their feelings to me throughout my life, etc. but that doesn't really matter to me anymore because looks aren't enough. no matter how i look, people still get tired of me because i'm most likely revolting in some other way.
i don't want to date someone just because i'm lonely. i hate the idea of flings or casual romantic relationships, and i feel like that's what most people (my age) are looking for, even if they don't entirely think they do.

me being trans (ftm) just makes everything that much worse. i can't transition irl at the moment, so everyone i meet/have met sees me as a woman.every person who has confessed to me, complimented my looks, or whatever else,,, they were doing that to a woman. they were interested in a woman. even if i found someone and started dating them, i would eventually have to come out and the chances of them still wanting to continue dating me even after i transition are probably nonexistent.
i've considered dating apps and stating that i'm pre-t, but that's not an option because that would require me outing myself.
and anyways, i still have a naturally feminine appearance, so i'll probably never look like a man. if i find someone who actually wants to date a trans man (and doesn't just sexualize trans men or treat them like fetishes), they would probably want to be with a trans man who actually looks like a fucking man.

i truly do think a serious romantic relationship would be beneficial for my mental health, and i hate hearing people say "a relationship won't solve your problems." like, yes... i'm aware. i know i will still be severely depressed, my problems won't go away, but acting like these relationships can't/won't aid in someone's mental health improvement is a really stupid take. (depends on the context and situation, of course, but in my case, i am almost positive it would help.)
i feel like one of those loser incels that people love to meme. i don't hate any group of people, though. i just fucking despise seeing couples or hearing about someone's relationship because i want what they have.

 

[wren-briar]

Trans-dude speaking

Testosterone really does wonders for the vast majority of us! I've literally had doctors who honestly did not know I was trans (one of the funniest was when I saw a dermatologist about rashes; he asked me multiple times if I was sure that I didn't have a rash on my penis).

Do beware that it will typically take a few years for T to do most of what it will do for you.

As for dating, for personal reasons, I haven't really wanted to date since I transitioned (although I've had lots of people express interest in dating me, men and women, cis and trans).

However, most trans-masculine friends I have had over the years were dating or married.

For those into women, it seems to be much easier. And I've known more than a few guys who met their partner pretransition.

Gay men tend to be a bit more fickle, but I've been hit on by enough gay men who knew that I was trans, that I know it isn't a dealbreaker, as well as some that I told when the hit on me, and they were still interested in me, even having just been told. That said, I've also known a few trans-dudes in very loving gay relations, so while that's more challenging, it's still far from being unrealistic!

And to paraphrase a very good friend, "only transmen can pick and choose the length, girth, color, and even make it glow-in-the-dark".

Please don't let your own perceptions about being a trans-dude be a blocker!

 

[Unspoken7612]

I obviously can't relate to all your experiences, but I relate to some of them.

I think wren-briar is probably right that straight trans women probably have it hardest, but that's not necessarily a comfort to you. I do know (online) multiple couples who started dating and both separately came out as trans, so that's a possibility. You could try hanging out in queer spaces - although that might be stupid advice (it's either obvious or unhelpful) which will generally be more accepting.

 

[astr4]

one of my formative loves and my best friend for a very long time was a trans man (he still is i mean but we're not friends anymore alas) + my second longest relationship was with a trans woman

both of the relationships were formed pre transition and continued as they transitioned

i share this with you not to invalidate ur experience at all and i hope it doesn't come off that way but just so u know that there are people out there who will love u for who u are and who will view you as the man you always have been regardless of how you're currently outwardly presenting

the love you deserve is out there i know it's terrifying though and i know outing yourself is terrifying as well

i personally love the internet for that bc falling in love w someone's personality instead of their face is kinda lovely and Romantic, i know a guy who found his boyfriend through a brockhampton fan discord LMAO

anyways a little rambly but it sucks feeling lonely and i'm sorry you're feeling so down hugs

 

[-Link-]

i share this with you not to invalidate ur experience at all and i hope it doesn't come off that way but just so u know that there are people out there who will love u for who u are and who will view you as the man you always have been regardless of how you're currently outwardly presenting

To follow on this, if I may offer my own perspective here as somebody who is in the segment of the population who would be interested in a trans person regardless of whether they are pre-transition, mid-transition, or post-transition, and regardless of whatever any of those stages might look like.

I am bisexual through-and-through, and when it comes to people I'm attracted to and romantically interested in, I know no gender.

With that said, if you are pre-transition, I personally would recommend that you not include this information in a dating profile. But I would recommend you make this known as soon as possible otherwise. Of course, I say this only from my own perspective as to what I feel would help maximize the chances of developing the connection into a relationship. There is no "right way" or "wrong way" to go about it. You do whatever you need to do for your own sake, even if that means keeping it from the other person for a time.

But, again reinforcing what @astr4 said above: There is absolutely a lot of people out there who will be interested in you and love you regardless of what being a trans person looks like for you. Keep hope!

 

[coolgal82]

ngl i think a relationship would genuinely solve most of my issues lmao but yeah. i've had like 2 people confess to me over the internet but like tbh i hate myself physically too much to get into a relationship (also fellow trans person and thats part of it like im on E but i still dont think i pass and i look really ugly in general) and i dont think i could do an online one but like idk. it's also just really scary lmao the only time im gonna get one i think is if the perfect person just randomly falls from the sky infront of me or something

 

[Trav1989]

I'm not really qualified to answer this question as I'm a straight male and never really cared enough to question that because life is complicated enough as is but yes, you clearly seem lonely and I can relate to that for certain.

You just need to shop around I guess, I'm certain many are into certain outwards appearances and can also correlate to your inward one as well but from my limited experience you'll know when the right person presents themselves as long as you don't build your wall too high.

We as humans tend to think of ourselves as unique but we really aren't, deep down we all desire love and the connection it brings and whether you are male, female, or anything in-between I wish you the best in regards to finding it.