Story Ruger 9mm and a Kayak

[BearConnoisseur]

So, this is my first post on this site. Guess I should introduce myself- hey everyone, my name's Emily. I'm sorry we're all in so much pain.

Lately, I've become so isolated. Many of my closest friends have moved on, and I can't really blame them. I've lost a lot of the social confidence I used to have. Late last year I had to move back in with my parents because I can't afford to be on my own. A month ago, my girlfriend of over 3 years left me and it's been tearing me apart. She was the one part of my life that still felt stable. I thought she was going to be my friend for the rest of my life.

I know that things can get better, but it always gets worse again too. I'm just so exhausted from the cycle of loving and losing.

I'm going to use this thread as a way to document this attempt to ctb. I've royally screwed up the methods I've used in the past: cutting my wrist was a juvenile attempt and carbon monoxide poisoning nearly landed me on an oxygen tank in the ER. But this time will be different. It's been many years since I've been in this headspace and I'd like to say I've learned a lot since then.

This time, I'll be using a Ruger 9mm pistol and a kayak.

I'm from the United States, so the fact that I've been admitted to a care facility twice for attempting suicide gets overlooked in a background check. I bought the gun two weeks ago off a sporting goods site and signed the paperwork for it last Thursday. Currently, it's being held at the shop for a 3-business day period, in accord with gun laws here. I'm supposed to be able to take it home Wednesday.

My original plan was to drive to my favorite park during the early AMs and shoot myself in my car, but I recently got into an accident and my car's currently in the shop while I've got a rental car. The last thing I want is for my parents to have to deal with the mess of me ruining the rental. But honestly, the plan to shoot myself in my car was full of holes anyway. The cops are always looking for druggies at our parks and I feel like it would be way too easy to get caught before I pulled the trigger.

My current plan is as followed: I'm going to wait for the early AMs and borrow one of my parents' kayaks while they're asleep. We live along the creek, so I can launch the kayak right from the backyard. With me, I'll have my phone, a bottle of wine, and my loaded 9mm pistol. I'm scared of being alone, so I will be posting updates here while I'm out on the water. I plan to paddle down the creek into the nearby woods. It's a nature preserve, so no one will be around except for some gators. I'm hoping I'll fall into the water after I pull the trigger, so in case I manage to be of those rare cases where a gunshot to the head isn't fatal I'll hopefully drown soon afterward.

I need all the luck in the world. I'm so afraid of not firing correctly and surviving the shot. I can't imagine anything being worse than surviving with brain damage and mutilation. I'm hopeful it'll be more effective because I'm fairly small; 5'1 and only around 100 pounds. I'm also dumb as a bag of rocks, so there's hopefully less brain for the bullet to rip through. In the meantime, I'll be tweaking my plans and trying to learn more about how to use firearms (I've never even held a gun in my life) and most importantly, learn where to aim.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. Surviving an attempt also sounds so horrible to me, it is scary how ctb can go wrong. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[BearConnoisseur]

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I know that it is hard to carry on when you are tired of everything. Surviving an attempt also sounds so horrible to me, it is scary how ctb can go wrong. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

Thank you so much- I wish you peace as well. I'm hoping the chances of my survival will be low, all things considered. A 9mm is more than enough to put someone down. I'm going to aim right behind my ear because it seems like that's what leads to the brainstem.

 

[summers]

If you're using a 9mm, Buffalobore or Underwood +P+ JHP.

 

[OldDrummer]

So sorry to hear your story.

Gunshot wouldn't be my first choice.

It's not 100% guaranteed, and if you think you have problems now, check out some of the vids on YouTube of people who'd survived and shot off their lower jaw completely and lost their sight.

 

[Huntfish34]

I know a 9mm is enough to do it with a well placed shot but it's kinda light Imho. Make sure to read up as much as you can before it happens. I'll be using a 12ga or 20ga whenever the time comes .

I'm sorry to hear about your friend leaving and everything else you are going through,. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

Thoughts and prayers to you.

 

[BearConnoisseur]

A hesitation that's plagued me is that I feel unbearable guilt thinking about how my suicide would impact those I know care about me. As for my parents, I think they'd experience a mix of anger and confusion, especially my mom. My mom doesn't understand suicide at all and defaults to "how could (person) do something so selfish?", although my dad's more empathetic on that subject. He just blew up at me for something today though...so I'm remembering why I often feel like such an inconvenience.

I'm extremely worried about my best friend. Many years ago, I was adamant about poisoning myself with CO and they told me that they'd kill themselves if I ever killed myself. However, I think they're in a better place mentally than they have been in years- so I think they'll be okay. I did open up to them a few weeks ago about my suicidal thoughts, although I never mentioned I bought a pistol. They told me that if I ever hurt myself, they'd end up blaming themselves. They also warned me that if I even so much as self-harmed they'd tell my ex-girlfriend about it.

That's one thing I'm also super scared of, my ex finding out. I don't think she cares about me much anymore, not nearly as much as she once did, but still. I'd imagine the trauma of finding out your ex committed suicide a month after you left them would be devastating, maybe life-ruining. I don't want to ruin anyone's life, not even someone who hurt me as much as she did.

When she broke up with me, she straight-up asked me if I was going to be safe, and I knew exactly what she meant. She has trauma regarding suicide because her own best friend once self-harmed and sent her pictures of the injuries, and even more trauma from the partner she dated before me. That partner posted on his social media about how the breakup had made him feel suicidal- on a platform that she still followed him on. I could always tell she suffered from a lot of trauma regarding that anxiety, thinking she could've been responsible for someone else's death. He ended up being safe in the long run, but still, the damage was done.

When she asked me if I was going to be safe, I said yes. Not only did I say yes, but I promised her that I would never put her through that. I called myself a "tough cookie". At the time, I meant every word. But that was before my depression spiked, before my anxiety became unmanageable. I just wish I could tell her that I'm sorry for what I'm going to do- and perhaps I'll at least try to. I might try calling her number while I'm out on the water, although I don't know what I'd say if she actually picked up the phone.

If you're using a 9mm, Buffalobore or Underwood +P+ JHP.

Thank you! When I ordered the pistol I ordered:

CCI Blazer Brass 9mm 14-Gain Full MEtal JAcket Round Nose Centerfire

But I know next to nothing about guns or ammo...wondering if what I ordered was weaksauce.

So sorry to hear your story.

Gunshot wouldn't be my first choice.

It's not 100% guaranteed, and if you think you have problems now, check out some of the vids on YouTube of people who'd survived and shot off their lower jaw completely and lost their sight.

Yeah, I agree with you. It was never my first choice either. CO poisoning was always the most appealing to me, but that also comes at the risk of permanent brain damage, and it's so easy to fail. I think the advantage of attempting to shoot myself out on a kayak is that, if I attempt standing up, I'll hopefully fall into the creek. I'd imagine even if I survived the shot I'd soon drown before anyone could discover me.

It's amazing what the human brain can endure. I've been studying diagrams of the brain to figure out what angle and position are best to use, but that doesn't take into account the way my hand will probably be shaking, or the way the bullet reacts in my skull.

 

[SurvivorJim]

Ultimately, we all have the ability to choose what to do. Many years ago, at about 40 years, I chose to die. I acted on it with a massive overdose taken in a relatively hidden, lakeside location in the late afternoon. It was a truly beautiful day. However, a random fluke led to my surviving.
Now, when I occasionally feel suicidal, I simply wait awhile... usually only a few hours. So far, I have always decided to continue on and see what happens next. Invariably, I have foind myself having a few really nice, new experiences. They seem to fuel my desire to move forward awhile longer.
Good luck to all of you, whatever decisions you make and follow. As I said, ultimately, we all have the ability to choose what to do.

 

[OldDrummer]

But I know next to nothing about guns or ammo...wondering if what I ordered was weaksauce.

Absolutely not. I've seen vids of people who survived shotgun attempts, never mind 9mm.

Even if you were proficient with firearms, your hand will be shaking and the kayak will be slightly rocking. Even the slightest flinch of your hand as you squeeze the trigger would be the difference between cbt'ing and spending the rest of your life as a vegetable.

 

[BearConnoisseur]

I know a 9mm is enough to do it with a well placed shot but it's kinda light Imho. Make sure to read up as much as you can before it happens. I'll be using a 12ga or 20ga whenever the time comes .

I'm sorry to hear about your friend leaving and everything else you are going through,. Life can be so unfair sometimes.

Thoughts and prayers to you.

Thank you friend, I'll definitely make sure I read up as much as I can. I honestly would've loved to have acquired a shotgun instead because I know they're nearly a certain death, but I knew I couldn't conceal such a big firearm from my parents.

Thoughts and prayers to you as well.

 

[Huntfish34]

Sure,. And thank you as well. Yeah I agree, a shotgun would be next to impossible to hide compared to a pistol.

As stated above, shotguns aren't 100% but it sure gives me a lot more confidence to follow through with it when the time comes.

 

[BearConnoisseur]

Ultimately, we all have the ability to choose what to do. Many years ago, at about 40 years, I chose to die. I acted on it with a massive overdose taken in a relatively hidden, lakeside location in the late afternoon. It was a truly beautiful day. However, a random fluke led to my surviving.
Now, when I occasionally feel suicidal, I simply wait awhile... usually only a few hours. So far, I have always decided to continue on and see what happens next. Invariably, I have foind myself having a few really nice, new experiences. They seem to fuel my desire to move forward awhile longer.
Good luck to all of you, whatever decisions you make and follow. As I said, ultimately, we all have the ability to choose what to do.

Thank you for this perspective, Jim. You're incredibly strong for pushing through for so long.

There were definitely some experiences I used to want to stick around longer for. For example, I always wanted to be a soccer mom someday for some reason, lol. But I think whatever's waiting for me on the other side is greater than anything I could've ever dreamed on this earth. It would sure be nice to see my grandparents again.

Absolutely not. I've seen vids of people who survived shotgun attempts, never mind 9mm.

Even if you were proficient with firearms, your hand will be shaking and the kayak will be slightly rocking. Even the slightest flinch of your hand as you squeeze the trigger would be the difference between cbt'ing and spending the rest of your life as a vegetable.

Definitely true. I think it'll be the smartest for me to try docking the kayak close to the bank of the creek to prevent it from moving too much, then to fire while standing up, facing the water. I'm really banking on the idea of falling facefirst into the water after firing.

Sure,. And thank you as well. Yeah I agree, a shotgun would be next to impossible to hide compared to a pistol.

As stated above, shotguns aren't 100% but it sure gives me a lot more confidence to follow through with it when the time comes.

I feel you on that again, it's the confidence that makes it the hardest. I don't know how I'm going to really feel once that pistol is in my hand. I've held a few props up to my head recently to try to imagine what it would feel like, but I really won't know until I've actually taken the firearm home. For me, it's not the method that's the hardest to find, it's the confidence to go through with it despite the odds.

I do feel like the odds of surviving shooting myself in the head, then falling into the water facefirst are pretty low, but who knows. I've also started looking into the SN method, since I hadn't heard about it until yesterday- but that one seems pretty hard to pull off.

 

[Someone123]

Before using this method I would recommend viewing some videos on youtube by searching by "gun suicide survivor". With any nethod it's important to ask yourself- what if it doesn't work? - because all methods fail sometimes. For people who survive attempts the ones who survive gunshot attempts have by far the worst outcomes- the faces get mutilated in many ways. It could be a good idea to consider other methods if you do choose to ctb. Also, because of the kick of the gun (aka recoil) where you aim may not be where the bullet goes. It may be worth it to consider that fresh off a heartbreak may not be the right time- waiting a few months and seeiung if you still feel the same may be worth doing. You kept a relationship for three years, which is an excellent thing- you may find another in this time. I do support the choice to ctb but being sure this is the right choice is important, and considering what if the attempt doesn't work is also important :)

 

[BearConnoisseur]

I might as well include some photo documentation of the environment. Here's the creek where I'll be launching from. If I go south, I'll end up in a shallower creek in the middle of the woods. If I go north, I'll end up in at the river. I'm right by the coast, so this river is closely connected to the ocean and the water is deep and wide.

The advantage to paddling south is that I'll be completely isolated in the woods. People do go walking along the creek bank in the morning, but the trails are closed at night. There's basically no chance of police interference.

If I go north, I'll pass by many homes and a harbor. I know the river has boat police, although I'm not sure how active they are at night. The advantage of going north is that there are a few scattered islands out on the river. I could paddle out to one, dock, and shoot myself on the island. By the time I'd be discovered I'd imagine I'd be dead, even if I survived the initial headwound.

There are a lot of factors to consider.

I might as well include some photo documentation of the environment. Here's the creek where I'll be launching from. If I go south, I'll end up in a shallower creek in the middle of the woods. If I go north, I'll end up in at the river. I'm right by the coast, so this river is closely connected to the ocean and the water is deep and wide.

The advantage to paddling south is that I'll be completely isolated in the woods. People do go walking along the creek bank in the morning, but the trails are closed at night. There's basically no chance of police interference.

If I go north, I'll pass by many homes and a harbor. I know the river has boat police, although I'm not sure how active they are at night. The advantage of going north is that there are a few scattered islands out on the river. I could paddle out to one, dock, and shoot myself on the island. By the time I'd be discovered I'd imagine I'd be dead, even if I survived the initial headwound.

There are a lot of factors to consider.

Here's the firearm I'm going to be using:
https://www.academy.com/p/ruger-ec9s-9mm-pistol

And the ammo:
https://www.academy.com/p/cci-blaze...andgun-ammunition-50-rounds?sku=9mm-luger-124

Before using this method I would recommend viewing some videos on youtube by searching by "gun suicide survivor". With any nethod it's important to ask yourself- what if it doesn't work? - because all methods fail sometimes. For people who survive attempts the ones who survive gunshot attempts have by far the worst outcomes- the faces get mutilated in many ways. It could be a good idea to consider other methods if you do choose to ctb. Also, because of the kick of the gun (aka recoil) where you aim may not be where the bullet goes. It may be worth it to consider that fresh off a heartbreak may not be the right time- waiting a few months and seeiung if you still feel the same may be worth doing. You kept a relationship for three years, which is an excellent thing- you may find another in this time. I do support the choice to ctb but being sure this is the right choice is important, and considering what if the attempt doesn't work is also important :)

I appreciate you friend. I didn't consider the effects of the gun recoil.

It might be smarter if I'm not inside the kayak when I pull the trigger, to minimize the movement. It might be smartest to dock it in the woods, stand on the bank facing the water, then fire.

I'll research more about where the injuries of failed attempts were located.

 

[whywere]

So, this is my first post on this site. Guess I should introduce myself- hey everyone, my name's Emily. I'm sorry we're all in so much pain.

Lately, I've become so isolated. Many of my closest friends have moved on, and I can't really blame them. I've lost a lot of the social confidence I used to have. Late last year I had to move back in with my parents because I can't afford to be on my own. A month ago, my girlfriend of over 3 years left me and it's been tearing me apart. She was the one part of my life that still felt stable. I thought she was going to be my friend for the rest of my life.

I know that things can get better, but it always gets worse again too. I'm just so exhausted from the cycle of loving and losing.

I'm going to use this thread as a way to document this attempt to ctb. I've royally screwed up the methods I've used in the past: cutting my wrist was a juvenile attempt and carbon monoxide poisoning nearly landed me on an oxygen tank in the ER. But this time will be different. It's been many years since I've been in this headspace and I'd like to say I've learned a lot since then.

This time, I'll be using a Ruger 9mm pistol and a kayak.

I'm from the United States, so the fact that I've been admitted to a care facility twice for attempting suicide gets overlooked in a background check. I bought the gun two weeks ago off a sporting goods site and signed the paperwork for it last Thursday. Currently, it's being held at the shop for a 3-business day period, in accord with gun laws here. I'm supposed to be able to take it home Wednesday.

My original plan was to drive to my favorite park during the early AMs and shoot myself in my car, but I recently got into an accident and my car's currently in the shop while I've got a rental car. The last thing I want is for my parents to have to deal with the mess of me ruining the rental. But honestly, the plan to shoot myself in my car was full of holes anyway. The cops are always looking for druggies at our parks and I feel like it would be way too easy to get caught before I pulled the trigger.

My current plan is as followed: I'm going to wait for the early AMs and borrow one of my parents' kayaks while they're asleep. We live along the creek, so I can launch the kayak right from the backyard. With me, I'll have my phone, a bottle of wine, and my loaded 9mm pistol. I'm scared of being alone, so I will be posting updates here while I'm out on the water. I plan to paddle down the creek into the nearby woods. It's a nature preserve, so no one will be around except for some gators. I'm hoping I'll fall into the water after I pull the trigger, so in case I manage to be of those rare cases where a gunshot to the head isn't fatal I'll hopefully drown soon afterward.

I need all the luck in the world. I'm so afraid of not firing correctly and surviving the shot. I can't imagine anything being worse than surviving with brain damage and mutilation. I'm hopeful it'll be more effective because I'm fairly small; 5'1 and only around 100 pounds. I'm also dumb as a bag of rocks, so there's hopefully less brain for the bullet to rip through. In the meantime, I'll be tweaking my plans and trying to learn more about how to use firearms (I've never even held a gun in my life) and most importantly, learn where to aim.

Hello! 1st off, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide! 2nd off, I cried reading your post, 100% for real, as you are NOT EVER as dumb as a bag of rocks. You are a bright, loving and caring soul. I reread your post 5 times and I came away the aspect of a loving and caring person.

I too am from the U.S., and I tried to buy a gun and when they did a background check and found out about my hospital stay, it was a automatic turn down.

Sending you lots of hugs, the knowledge that you are a important and thoughtful person and I care about you a lot.

Always my best wishes to you.

Walter

 

[BearConnoisseur]

`

Hello! 1st off, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide! 2nd off, I cried reading your post, 100% for real, as you are NOT EVER as dumb as a bag of rocks. You are a bright, loving and caring soul. I reread your post 5 times and I came away the aspect of a loving and caring person.

I too am from the U.S., and I tried to buy a gun and when they did a background check and found out about my hospital stay, it was a automatic turn down.

Sending you lots of hugs, the knowledge that you are a important and thoughtful person and I care about you a lot.

Always my best wishes to you.

Walter

Hello Walter my friend,
Thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. It goes such a long way for me. I'm so used to the fear and anger my friends or family would express when I mention feeling suicidal, so it's incredibly comforting to be surrounded by people who really seem to truly understand.

I know that sinking feeling of your background check not going through. It happened to me the last time I tried to purchase a firearm years ago. I did more research and realized I didn't have to check "yes" for the "have you ever been admitted to a mental institution or considered defective by a judge?" question on the paperwork. Apparently, the Baker Act doesn't prevent someone who has attempted suicide in the past from buying firearms in the future.

My wishes, hugs, and care are being sent out to you too.

 

[halcyon]

please, please be careful about using a 9mm. there's one specific story i know of when a guy shot himself with a 9mm and didn't die immediately, and instead choked on his own blood for god knows how long until he finally died. i don't want another person to have to deal with that and suffer in their final moments, so please be careful. <3

i'm sorry things came to this for you and you feel like this is the only option. you, and everyone else here, deserve better.

my method is firearm as well.

 

[june]

There are quite a lot of 9mm questions. Did you choose 9mm bc thats what you have or other reason?

 

[BearConnoisseur]

please, please be careful about using a 9mm. there's one specific story i know of when a guy shot himself with a 9mm and didn't die immediately, and instead choked on his own blood for god knows how long until he finally died. i don't want another person to have to deal with that and suffer in their final moments, so please be careful. <3

i'm sorry things came to this for you and you feel like this is the only option. you, and everyone else here, deserve better.

my method is firearm as well.

Thank you so much, brother. If it's okay to ask, do you have any idea where he might have aimed?

It's true, we all deserve better than this pain and I hope we can all find peace somehow.

There are quite a lot of 9mm questions. Did you choose 9mm bc thats what you have or other reason?

I chose 9mm because it seemed to be a popular choice for a conceal-carry weapon, and I need to keep it as discrete as possible in case I'm seen out on the creek by a neighbor.

Also because of this article here:
https://aimingexpert.com/can-a-9mm-bullet-kill-you/

 

[Sea Turtle]

I'm sorry you've suffered through so much, people leaving your life that you care about is heart breaking. It sounds like you've thought this through but as others have mentioned, do be careful as it can risk failure and permanent injury. No matter what happens I wish you the best and I hope you find what you're looking for. If you need to chat with anyone feel free to send a chat as well

 

[BearConnoisseur]

I'm sorry you've suffered through so much, people leaving your life that you care about is heart breaking. It sounds like you've thought this through but as others have mentioned, do be careful as it can risk failure and permanent injury. No matter what happens I wish you the best and I hope you find what you're looking for. If you need to chat with anyone feel free to send a chat as well

Thank you so very much, your kindness is much appreciated right now

I guess I have to accept that no method is 100% guaranteed; our bodies are pretty incredible and there are stories about people surviving almost any fatal scenario you can think of.

---

Update on some of the information I've been researching: wondering if it would be smarter to aim for my ear or directly behind it. The way to go seems to be making sure you strike that brainstem.

 

[halcyon]

Thank you so much, brother. If it's okay to ask, do you have any idea where he might have aimed?

It's true, we all deserve better than this pain and I hope we can all find peace somehow.

I chose 9mm because it seemed to be a popular choice for a conceal-carry weapon, and I need to keep it as discrete as possible in case I'm seen out on the creek by a neighbor.

Also because of this article here:
https://aimingexpert.com/can-a-9mm-bullet-kill-you/

He aimed at the right temple. I'm not sure if he flinched or what, but I know that his death was drawn out and I'm not even sure if he was unconscious for any portion of aspirating on his blood.

I don't mean to try and sway you from your method, but be sure to be careful if you choose to go through with it. The brain stem is the most important thing to hit.

 

[BearConnoisseur]

He aimed at the right temple. I'm not sure if he flinched or what, but I know that his death was drawn out and I'm not even sure if he was unconscious for any portion of aspirating on his blood.

I don't mean to try and sway you from your method, but be sure to be careful if you choose to go through with it. The brain stem is the most important thing to hit.

Definitely will be keeping this in mind. The poor guy may he rest in peace

I've heard in the case of handgun headshots, it's not uncommon for the bullet to stop somewhere in the brain, or for the bullet to ricochet off the skull. With shotguns, I've heard it's basically guaranteed the bullet will have an exit point. It's a shame I don't have the means to conceal one, although I feel like since I'm a small person I'd have a really tricky time aiming a bigger gun.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Hi, Emily. I am so sorry that your life has brought you here. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join.

If you are determined to do this, please read a lot here before you make your final plan.

The information you need to help you succeed is here. I fear you are making plans based on what you see in movies and TV, which is not correct and could very well cripple you without killing you, making your life worse than you could ever imagine.

Before all of that, though, is this because of the end of the romantic relationship? 'Cause I'm gonna be honest, I don't consider that to be a great reason. Time does pass and the hurt can lessen. Yes, things can get worse but they can also improve. Relationships are just one part of a life. Have you tried talking to a therapist/counselor? Don't call a hotline - that's not professional help. But in the online age, you can text/type with someone to get help. You don't have to leave the house or even use your voice.

The other thing is that there's no rush. This is an intractable decision. Once you do this, even of you survive, your life will be forever changed. As many people here can tell you, once you attempt this, you may likely be forever defined by this event. Everything you do will be looked at as done by someone who once attempted suicide with a gun. No matter what people thought of your previous attempts, this one will be treated differently.

I always feel like people should make an attempt to improve their life before they make a decision to end it. But that's just me, a stranger on the internet, so take it for what you will.

Anyway, keep talking to us. This is a very friendly community and there is lots of support here.

 

[Blacklight]

Jesus I wish I hadn't searched those videos

 

[BearConnoisseur]

Hi, Emily. I am so sorry that your life has brought you here. Welcome to the club that nobody wants to join.

If you are determined to do this, please read a lot here before you make your final plan.

The information you need to help you succeed is here. I fear you are making plans based on what you see in movies and TV, which is not correct and could very well cripple you without killing you, making your life worse than you could ever imagine.

Before all of that, though, is this because of the end of the romantic relationship? 'Cause I'm gonna be honest, I don't consider that to be a great reason. Time does pass and the hurt can lessen. Yes, things can get worse but they can also improve. Relationships are just one part of a life. Have you tried talking to a therapist/counselor? Don't call a hotline - that's not professional help. But in the online age, you can text/type with someone to get help. You don't have to leave the house or even use your voice.

The other thing is that there's no rush. This is an intractable decision. Once you do this, even of you survive, your life will be forever changed. As many people here can tell you, once you attempt this, you may likely be forever defined by this event. Everything you do will be looked at as done by someone who once attempted suicide with a gun. No matter what people thought of your previous attempts, this one will be treated differently.

I always feel like people should make an attempt to improve their life before they make a decision to end it. But that's just me, a stranger on the internet, so take it for what you will.

Anyway, keep talking to us. This is a very friendly community and there is lots of support here.

Thank you for this perspective, I truly appreciate as many points of view as possible.

If I had to dig into why exactly I'm experiencing such a strong will to ctb, I would describe it as the loss of my confidence as an adult. I've always been very behind in terms of financial and emotional maturity. Both my siblings, one of which is younger than me, are married with kids, and either own a house or are in the process of obtaining one. I on the other hand am the college dropout disappointment of the family. My younger brother's an engineer and my sister is moving up higher in the school system. Meanwhile, I've been stuck in retail for over 7 years now. Moving back in with my parents was probably the lowest blow to my self-esteem. I saw one of my high school friends shopping at the store I work at and couldn't bring myself to look her in the eye because I was so ashamed of who I had become. I would be turning 28 at the end of May this year. I can't stop hating myself for still being so dependent on my parents. I still feel like a teenager and I can't imagine myself ever obtaining the confidence to be fully on my own.

More or less, that romantic relationship was the icing on the cake. A long-term relationship with someone I considered a best friend was one aspect of "adulthood" I felt like I had well-preserved. Losing her was like pulling out a Jenga block that caused everything else to come crashing down on me.

I just really hate myself and the way my brain works. I'm such a slow learner, so slow to react to anything. If I could do it all over again I'd tell my younger self to get better therapy ASAP and get diagnosed and medicated. A lot of the problems I feel I experience are due to undiagnosed/untreated mental illnesses- especially ADD and OCD. But unfortunately, I currently lack health insurance and at this point in my life I'm so exhausted I don't even feel like fighting anymore is more appealing than just ending it all.

I gotta say that this community is by far the best support group I've ever had for my suicidal urges. It's such a welcome change to have people understand why suicide is so strongly desired, rather than making you feel guilty or broken for having the urges to begin with. Thank you guys all so much for that.

 

[Shu]

First I'm sorry for everything that you're going through and hope you find what it is you're looking for. Second I've been in the hospital 15 plus times walked right into a gunshop and was able to buy a gun. Here in Louisiana.

 

[whywere]

I live in the upper Midwest of the U.S. and the state that I live in is 100% in making sure that if one has been in the hospital involuntarily, one will never ever get an ok to buy a gun. I have tried and have gotten warnings.

I wanted one to have as protection and I got a firm NO, no matter what period.

Walter

 

[BearConnoisseur]

First I'm sorry for everything that you're going through and hope you find what it is you're looking for. Second I've been in the hospital 15 plus times walked right into a gunshop and was able to buy a gun. Here in Louisiana.

15 plus times?
But yeah, it's surprising how easy it is for suicidal Americans to get access to these sorts of things. I think Florida used to have a law that restricted people who had been Baker Acted from getting access to a firearm, but I think that got repealed in 2018. I'm not sure what the Baker Act's like there or if you've ever been committed to it. It was a nasty time.

I live in the upper Midwest of the U.S. and the state that I live in is 100% in making sure that if one has been in the hospital involuntarily, one will never ever get an ok to buy a gun. I have tried and have gotten warnings.

I wanted one to have as protection and I got a firm NO, no matter what period.

Walter

Gee, that's like the polar opposite of the laws here in Florida. I basically just checked "no" on the question that asked if I had ever been involuntarily admitted and no one flinched. I've been Baker Acted twice which means you get held for "observation" if you've tried to harm yourself or anyone else. You'd think it would count as involuntary commitment- because on both occasions it was my friend that contacted the police to tell them I was trying to ctb, but I guess it still counts as "voluntary" for some reason.

From what I've read about Florida gun laws, someone who's been Baker Acted can have their firearms confiscated after being admitted, but nothing prevents them from buying another immediately after being released.

I almost didn't buy the gun because I was scared to be declined and given a warning, but I read this article: https://www.bakeractlawyer.com/practice-areas/firearm-rights

A part of me's still nervous I'm going to show up to pick up the gun tomorrow and they're going to decline me somehow. I'm surprised they didn't think I was acting suspiciously when I signed the paperwork, I think I was visibly shaking.

 

[whywere]

15 plus times?
But yeah, it's surprising how easy it is for suicidal Americans to get access to these sorts of things. I think Florida used to have a law that restricted people who had been Baker Acted from getting access to a firearm, but I think that got repealed in 2018. I'm not sure what the Baker Act's like there or if you've ever been committed to it. It was a nasty time.

Gee, that's like the polar opposite of the laws here in Florida. I basically just checked "no" on the question that asked if I had ever been involuntarily admitted and no one flinched. I've been Baker Acted twice which means you get held for "observation" if you've tried to harm yourself or anyone else. You'd think it would count as involuntary commitment- because on both occasions it was my friend that contacted the police to tell them I was trying to ctb, but I guess it still counts as "voluntary" for some reason.

From what I've read about Florida gun laws, someone who's been Baker Acted can have their firearms confiscated after being admitted, but nothing prevents them from buying another immediately after being released.

I almost didn't buy the gun because I was scared to be declined and given a warning, but I read this article: https://www.bakeractlawyer.com/practice-areas/firearm-rights

A part of me's still nervous I'm going to show up to pick up the gun tomorrow and they're going to decline me somehow. I'm surprised they didn't think I was acting suspiciously when I signed the paperwork, I think I was visibly shaking.

I am in Minnesota, and the state laws here are beyond strict. Got a no at the gun shop and a "nice" please do not try that again item in the mail. When one fills out the form it states a whole list of no no's

Walter