Hi everyone. 8 months ago I made a post here telling my story and explaining my reason: why I'm here in the first place and why I want to do it.
Not much has changed since my last post. But the situation got millions times worse and I've been pretty lost and feel that I'm just a corpse at this point.
I'm 33 y/o Russian guy. I live by myself, have no parents, friends and relatives at this point. My mom was killed when I was 11, my dad died from lung cancer 3 years ago. I lost most of my friends during the last 9 months of the Russian - Ukraine war because they were brainwashed.
I had a pretty useless life. After finishing 11 years of regular school I went to college and had 3 years of "Entry school teacher" degree. Following 5 years of university that I dropout 1 months before Final Exams because I was scared that I'm going to fuck that up because I'm stupid, I had axienty, problems with me being bullied and other personal issues.
I only had one "real job" in my life which was working in a restaurant for two years. But besides that I just made money online working remotely and doing simple administrative tasks (really simple no skill jobs) for some company that no longer exists. There is no chance I would be able to find something similar as this one was unique and required nothing.
I feel myself pretty dumb and useless. I always had a hard time learning new stuff, paying attention. Maybe I was just lazy. Maybe everything together. I'm just a useless piece of shit who is 33 and has 0 life experience and doesn't know how to live this life.I even barely leave my house and often it gives me big distress as I don't like talking and interacting with people much.
I'm also gay which added even more problems and makes me more fucked up as being anything other than straight in Russia isn't welcomed because this shithole is homophobic.
Yeah that's me.
On February 24 Russia started a war against Ukraine. This was a moment when I knew that my life was over. I always had strong political opinions and opposition views. But living in dictatorship shihole I've learned not to publicly voice my opinion because that would cause massive problems up to jail time. Immediately when this war started I knew that Russia might as well be erased from the map because this country is over.
In the last 8 months of war we got more sanctions than any other country on this planet. Sanctions, isolation, and various restrictions were suffocating Russia and making the life of regular Russians a living nightmare. Why did criminals in charge like Putin and his friends feel no effects and could just shrug it off.
Lots of sanctions were especially targeting regular Russian citizens because the EU and US wanted us to "wake up" and start a revolution and get Putin out with our hands. But what regular people can do against a dictator regime that has been built for 22 years? The very regime that made to suppress any protest and punish people if they tried to rebel. Lots of people are scared. They rather end their life than protest. I'm one of them, unfortunately.
Other categories of people are brainwashed.
Propaganda is one of the main tools that every dictator is using. Putin was no exception. He dumped billions of dollars into eradicating free media, censorship, blocking internet content and of course TV propaganda. Hands down, he did an amazing job on this field. Think about it this way: USSR fell about 30 years ago and before that country was completely closed off and isolated from inside. No internet, no free media, nothing. The only thing people know is what they've heard on TV and radio. And what did they hear? "America is evil, The West is trying to destroy us". After the fall of the USSR and when Putin came in power the propaganda kept this course feeding people lies.
While young and educated people with access to the internet are not brainwashed in their majority I can't say the same about older people. Imagine you are 50. You've been born in the USSR and everything you heard all your life is "the evil west is trying to destroy our ways of life". You simply don't know anything better. The entire system has been built to destroy your abilities to critically think. Even if you come across any info that says opposite to what you know all your life you will have a hard time accepting it. It's like if someone is going to tell you that Earth is flat. Would you believe it? I don't know how these people can be fixed. Maybe they are lost forever.
This war has been going on for nearly 9 months. Entire Russian army was dead or rendered useless with total casualties both wounded and dead over 200k. Russia is losing and the more they lose the cruel it gets. Since the first day Russia has been purposely killing and executing civilians, destroying civilian infrastructure in Ukraine and comminitting countless war crimes.
But when Putin realized that he cannot win this war he decided to draft regular citizens and forcefully send them to Ukraine to fight this illegal war for him. He made this decision on September 21.
Since September 21 about millions of Russians have fled to the country running away from conscription which is basically a public execution. Some went to Georgia, Finland, Mongolia, Kazakhstan. People with more money and visas went to the EU or other countries.
The borders are still open and nearly everyone still can leave one way or another. But they can be closed any time. It's unknown how many people Putin has been able to draft during the last 2.5 weeks. There is no official data but various sources say between 500k and 1 million. And this is just the first wave. It's clear as day that all these people will be dead. If the entire professional Russian army fell during this invasion what regular people can do?
Modern wars are being fought with long range weapons and over 90% of all casualties from both side are artillery strikes
When the first wave of drafted people is going to die, Putin will get more. And more. And more. Human life has zero value for him. He is going to throw as much meat as he wants to achieve his illusory goals even if it's been sending the entire Russian population to their death.
So staying in Russia isn't even an option for anyone. It's impossible to sit that out or hide. Considering how many people are running from the country and hiding, Putin is going to have a hard time getting the next batch of fresh meat. This means he is going to use all possible repressive mechanics in order to find people.
He isn't going to win this war because he already lost. The question is how many more people are going to die until this stops?
Many people naively think that if Putin will be out of the picture then everything is going to stop. But unfortunately this isn't the case. The entire system has been taken by multiple criminal groups, oligarchs, corrupt politicians, corrupt judges, FSB, corrupt cops. If Putin will be gone then they'll just find someone else to take this place.
This leads to a pretty sad conclusion. Russia is screwed. Forever. Next century probably at least. Sanctions are going to stay here for decades (look at Iran, Cuba who lived under sanctions for half of the century) suffocating an already weakened and dying economy. We would have to go through civil war, crime, hunger and nightmares for decades and decades to come. Many people are going to die.
Unfortunately Russian people are way too scared to revolt and rise up against this regime. Even Putin forcefully sending their wives, sons, brothers to this war was not enough motivation for people to stand up and fight against him.
So I don't expect this is going to happen for a while.
And if this is going to happen… Oh boy. Nobody wants to be here I assure you. Considering how deep the roots of this regime are, the process of getting it out will be very painful. Many people are going to die and fall victim to these processes. But even then we don't know what is going to happen next. Chances that there will be a happy ending at the end are extremely slim. I personally don't believe it.
I don't want to deal with this. This is why I want to end my life. I already have SN in the cupboard. I've been thinking about doing it for the last 8 months but I was too pussy to take the final step. But right now I don't have a choice.
I mean I do but I'm scared to take it. I still have a chance to run to Kazakhstan and try to start a new life there. But the problem is I have a very limited amount of funds. And Kazakhstan is a developing country with very-very low salaries. Most simple labor jobs are paying $150 a month. Yeah, you read that correctly. $150 for a full month of working. While the price of rent right now is somewhere between $400-1000 for a shitty one room flat as result of over 200k Russians entering this country since September 21 where draft has been announced.
Considering I don't have any useful skills this is the only job I can expect doing. So my job most likely isn't even going to pay the rent and I will be losing my savings until I'm going to have nothing left. What then? Being homeless? And trust me Kazahstan isn't the place where you want to stay homeless. It's also getting pretty cold here. Maybe I will be able to survive in Kazakhstan for a couple months but I don't really have any clear plan what to do after. I just cannot afford living here. Yes I know it's all my fault. I should have lived my life differently, made better decisions, learned the right stuff and everything. Maybe then I would be in a much better position and wouldn't have to make this choice.
I'm also really-really weak. I'm scared, demotivated and overall feel absolutely useless and not worth staying alive. Do I want to die? I don't. I know if it comes to the point of me throwing myself under the train or jumping off I wouldn't be able to do that because I'm pussy. SN is the only way I can do it. But even to do that I'll have to man up enough to take my life this way.
I know there are strong people who can achieve anything. Who has enough self-confidence to move mountains, quickly learn new stuff, and find ways to make money. But I'm not one of them. So I feel like I'm pretty fucked and doomed.
I know this isn't a suicide advice because I've already read enough about SN and how to do it.
But I just want to ask people for advice. I can't seem to make my own decision and I want people to help me. Even if you can't give me any advice at this point I appreciate for listening.
Not much has changed since my last post. But the situation got millions times worse and I've been pretty lost and feel that I'm just a corpse at this point.
I'm 33 y/o Russian guy. I live by myself, have no parents, friends and relatives at this point. My mom was killed when I was 11, my dad died from lung cancer 3 years ago. I lost most of my friends during the last 9 months of the Russian - Ukraine war because they were brainwashed.
I had a pretty useless life. After finishing 11 years of regular school I went to college and had 3 years of "Entry school teacher" degree. Following 5 years of university that I dropout 1 months before Final Exams because I was scared that I'm going to fuck that up because I'm stupid, I had axienty, problems with me being bullied and other personal issues.
I only had one "real job" in my life which was working in a restaurant for two years. But besides that I just made money online working remotely and doing simple administrative tasks (really simple no skill jobs) for some company that no longer exists. There is no chance I would be able to find something similar as this one was unique and required nothing.
I feel myself pretty dumb and useless. I always had a hard time learning new stuff, paying attention. Maybe I was just lazy. Maybe everything together. I'm just a useless piece of shit who is 33 and has 0 life experience and doesn't know how to live this life.I even barely leave my house and often it gives me big distress as I don't like talking and interacting with people much.
I'm also gay which added even more problems and makes me more fucked up as being anything other than straight in Russia isn't welcomed because this shithole is homophobic.
Yeah that's me.
On February 24 Russia started a war against Ukraine. This was a moment when I knew that my life was over. I always had strong political opinions and opposition views. But living in dictatorship shihole I've learned not to publicly voice my opinion because that would cause massive problems up to jail time. Immediately when this war started I knew that Russia might as well be erased from the map because this country is over.
In the last 8 months of war we got more sanctions than any other country on this planet. Sanctions, isolation, and various restrictions were suffocating Russia and making the life of regular Russians a living nightmare. Why did criminals in charge like Putin and his friends feel no effects and could just shrug it off.
Lots of sanctions were especially targeting regular Russian citizens because the EU and US wanted us to "wake up" and start a revolution and get Putin out with our hands. But what regular people can do against a dictator regime that has been built for 22 years? The very regime that made to suppress any protest and punish people if they tried to rebel. Lots of people are scared. They rather end their life than protest. I'm one of them, unfortunately.
Other categories of people are brainwashed.
Propaganda is one of the main tools that every dictator is using. Putin was no exception. He dumped billions of dollars into eradicating free media, censorship, blocking internet content and of course TV propaganda. Hands down, he did an amazing job on this field. Think about it this way: USSR fell about 30 years ago and before that country was completely closed off and isolated from inside. No internet, no free media, nothing. The only thing people know is what they've heard on TV and radio. And what did they hear? "America is evil, The West is trying to destroy us". After the fall of the USSR and when Putin came in power the propaganda kept this course feeding people lies.
While young and educated people with access to the internet are not brainwashed in their majority I can't say the same about older people. Imagine you are 50. You've been born in the USSR and everything you heard all your life is "the evil west is trying to destroy our ways of life". You simply don't know anything better. The entire system has been built to destroy your abilities to critically think. Even if you come across any info that says opposite to what you know all your life you will have a hard time accepting it. It's like if someone is going to tell you that Earth is flat. Would you believe it? I don't know how these people can be fixed. Maybe they are lost forever.
This war has been going on for nearly 9 months. Entire Russian army was dead or rendered useless with total casualties both wounded and dead over 200k. Russia is losing and the more they lose the cruel it gets. Since the first day Russia has been purposely killing and executing civilians, destroying civilian infrastructure in Ukraine and comminitting countless war crimes.
But when Putin realized that he cannot win this war he decided to draft regular citizens and forcefully send them to Ukraine to fight this illegal war for him. He made this decision on September 21.
Since September 21 about millions of Russians have fled to the country running away from conscription which is basically a public execution. Some went to Georgia, Finland, Mongolia, Kazakhstan. People with more money and visas went to the EU or other countries.
The borders are still open and nearly everyone still can leave one way or another. But they can be closed any time. It's unknown how many people Putin has been able to draft during the last 2.5 weeks. There is no official data but various sources say between 500k and 1 million. And this is just the first wave. It's clear as day that all these people will be dead. If the entire professional Russian army fell during this invasion what regular people can do?
Modern wars are being fought with long range weapons and over 90% of all casualties from both side are artillery strikes
When the first wave of drafted people is going to die, Putin will get more. And more. And more. Human life has zero value for him. He is going to throw as much meat as he wants to achieve his illusory goals even if it's been sending the entire Russian population to their death.
So staying in Russia isn't even an option for anyone. It's impossible to sit that out or hide. Considering how many people are running from the country and hiding, Putin is going to have a hard time getting the next batch of fresh meat. This means he is going to use all possible repressive mechanics in order to find people.
He isn't going to win this war because he already lost. The question is how many more people are going to die until this stops?
Many people naively think that if Putin will be out of the picture then everything is going to stop. But unfortunately this isn't the case. The entire system has been taken by multiple criminal groups, oligarchs, corrupt politicians, corrupt judges, FSB, corrupt cops. If Putin will be gone then they'll just find someone else to take this place.
This leads to a pretty sad conclusion. Russia is screwed. Forever. Next century probably at least. Sanctions are going to stay here for decades (look at Iran, Cuba who lived under sanctions for half of the century) suffocating an already weakened and dying economy. We would have to go through civil war, crime, hunger and nightmares for decades and decades to come. Many people are going to die.
Unfortunately Russian people are way too scared to revolt and rise up against this regime. Even Putin forcefully sending their wives, sons, brothers to this war was not enough motivation for people to stand up and fight against him.
So I don't expect this is going to happen for a while.
And if this is going to happen… Oh boy. Nobody wants to be here I assure you. Considering how deep the roots of this regime are, the process of getting it out will be very painful. Many people are going to die and fall victim to these processes. But even then we don't know what is going to happen next. Chances that there will be a happy ending at the end are extremely slim. I personally don't believe it.
I don't want to deal with this. This is why I want to end my life. I already have SN in the cupboard. I've been thinking about doing it for the last 8 months but I was too pussy to take the final step. But right now I don't have a choice.
I mean I do but I'm scared to take it. I still have a chance to run to Kazakhstan and try to start a new life there. But the problem is I have a very limited amount of funds. And Kazakhstan is a developing country with very-very low salaries. Most simple labor jobs are paying $150 a month. Yeah, you read that correctly. $150 for a full month of working. While the price of rent right now is somewhere between $400-1000 for a shitty one room flat as result of over 200k Russians entering this country since September 21 where draft has been announced.
Considering I don't have any useful skills this is the only job I can expect doing. So my job most likely isn't even going to pay the rent and I will be losing my savings until I'm going to have nothing left. What then? Being homeless? And trust me Kazahstan isn't the place where you want to stay homeless. It's also getting pretty cold here. Maybe I will be able to survive in Kazakhstan for a couple months but I don't really have any clear plan what to do after. I just cannot afford living here. Yes I know it's all my fault. I should have lived my life differently, made better decisions, learned the right stuff and everything. Maybe then I would be in a much better position and wouldn't have to make this choice.
I'm also really-really weak. I'm scared, demotivated and overall feel absolutely useless and not worth staying alive. Do I want to die? I don't. I know if it comes to the point of me throwing myself under the train or jumping off I wouldn't be able to do that because I'm pussy. SN is the only way I can do it. But even to do that I'll have to man up enough to take my life this way.
I know there are strong people who can achieve anything. Who has enough self-confidence to move mountains, quickly learn new stuff, and find ways to make money. But I'm not one of them. So I feel like I'm pretty fucked and doomed.
I know this isn't a suicide advice because I've already read enough about SN and how to do it.
But I just want to ask people for advice. I can't seem to make my own decision and I want people to help me. Even if you can't give me any advice at this point I appreciate for listening.
