needthebus
Longing to Becoming HRU
- Apr 29, 2024
- 309
everything is making me stressed and sad
i have no one in a way so posting here
i am completely falling apart and not yet ready to end things, but i'm just struggling. i want to end things in about 6-18 months, but it's more likely at least 24 months, but i'm sort of dealing with stuff right now, it could be a lot sooner.
i supposedly have a "psychiatric condition," which would probably explain my current psychotic state, although it is also possible that i'm being haunted by ghosts or some sort of electronic remote machine or that i already died. psychosis seems more likely since it seems likely that when i used drugs to deal with being sad i accidentally upregulated my dopamine, but i also live in a very old building that is clearly haunted. these are also not mutually exclusive: it's likely i live in an old haunted building and am also psychotic. the ghosts in this place are mostly good ghosts, which is why they keep haunting me. they think i am strange and don't like me probably. i wish they liked me. i could be wrong about the ghosts being good. they don't make themselves known that much. sometimes they turn things on and off and move things. but it's rare.
I want to die, but not here and now.
Everything is just awful. I wish there were better privacy rules (that had real consequences if not enforced and were easily to prove if not enforced) to protect me from malicious religious and cruel clinicians. i wish i could get medication without interacting with doctors or nurses or the mental health industry, which has been so cruel and mean to me. When I've been in that system before, I have had all my privacy taken away from me, been forced to share information with bigoted clinicians and had my privacy violated under threats which is not real consent but it doesn't matter because those corrupt mother-fuckers will never suffer any consequences and could be as cruel and medically unethical as they wanted without repercussion. NEVER AGAIN. It's not worth it. I can opt out and do. The psychiatric industry has the view of "well, this is how it is, and we have doctorates and this is the system so you MUST comply" and my view is that if you want to make the system this oppressive and unappealing and condescending and arrogant, I can opt out. If you make compliance at this level and say take it or leave it, but you're bad if you leave it, then just say I'm bad, peace out mother-fuckers.
getting psychiatric medication on the dark web is too risky so I'll just deal with having these problems for now. it's not worth it to me. if i want a small amount of lithium and a low amount of a dopamine blocker until i calm down, it won't matter if i seek help from the mental health industry: they will just demand i take huge amounts of pills. the last psychiatrist i had was really nice, but i just am really traumatized now from prior mean clinicians.
I'm traumatized from when i was dealing with some really mean doctors and clinicians before, and it was so mean and traumatic that I just want nothing to do with any of it. I am actually suicidal, any interaction with the mental health industry will result in my being locked up if I'm truthful about how suicidal I am, and I hate lying. I'd rather be psychotic than lie and hope I don't get locked up, it's just better to avoid all those parasitic vipers.
I need 10 euros of lithium carbonate and a generic 10 dollar dopamine blocker, not some 30,000 euro forced stay in a treatment facility being monitored by religious assholes having to beg to be let out while they financially bleed me dry in the name of "wellness." Fuck them all, never again. There's no way to get a low dose of medication without interacting with those assholes, so it's this way for now. There are illegal pharmacies but those are risky too and if it gets seized it will get me involved with a legal situation somehow and draw me back into the asshole medical industry. I doubt there's a way to pay for lithium and generic dopamine blockers without incurring legal risk, and interacting with police and clinicians is how you get forced back into dealing with assholes since they need to actually see you and interact with you in order to determine you need to be locked up. It's better and safer to just be alone. I am angry at feel victimized by the mental health industry. Who do I see to get help with that who isn't a part of that apparatus? There isn't anyone.
I keep thinking about an easy method. I am so scared of being locked up that I think about doing it quickly, but it's not what I want. If I feel like there's too much of a likelihood of interacting with clinician I'll just end things immediately. I am also pretty sure the ghosts in this building want me to die, or perhaps just leave. I feel like they don't like me and it's awful and strange but it actually hurts my feelings. I feel like they have slowly gotten to know me better over time. It's also entirely possible I think this due to being psychotic. It's hard to know such things. Everything is making me stressed and sad. I wish I were less poor or that the rules would allow me to get medical care without risk of forced and/or locked treatment. Oh well. For now I'll just deal with my dopamine upregulated brain. I have to leave this building or die here, but part of me wants to stay, and the evil malevolent force that drew me to this building wants me to stay, or it feels like it.
i have no one in a way so posting here
i am completely falling apart and not yet ready to end things, but i'm just struggling. i want to end things in about 6-18 months, but it's more likely at least 24 months, but i'm sort of dealing with stuff right now, it could be a lot sooner.
i supposedly have a "psychiatric condition," which would probably explain my current psychotic state, although it is also possible that i'm being haunted by ghosts or some sort of electronic remote machine or that i already died. psychosis seems more likely since it seems likely that when i used drugs to deal with being sad i accidentally upregulated my dopamine, but i also live in a very old building that is clearly haunted. these are also not mutually exclusive: it's likely i live in an old haunted building and am also psychotic. the ghosts in this place are mostly good ghosts, which is why they keep haunting me. they think i am strange and don't like me probably. i wish they liked me. i could be wrong about the ghosts being good. they don't make themselves known that much. sometimes they turn things on and off and move things. but it's rare.
I want to die, but not here and now.
Everything is just awful. I wish there were better privacy rules (that had real consequences if not enforced and were easily to prove if not enforced) to protect me from malicious religious and cruel clinicians. i wish i could get medication without interacting with doctors or nurses or the mental health industry, which has been so cruel and mean to me. When I've been in that system before, I have had all my privacy taken away from me, been forced to share information with bigoted clinicians and had my privacy violated under threats which is not real consent but it doesn't matter because those corrupt mother-fuckers will never suffer any consequences and could be as cruel and medically unethical as they wanted without repercussion. NEVER AGAIN. It's not worth it. I can opt out and do. The psychiatric industry has the view of "well, this is how it is, and we have doctorates and this is the system so you MUST comply" and my view is that if you want to make the system this oppressive and unappealing and condescending and arrogant, I can opt out. If you make compliance at this level and say take it or leave it, but you're bad if you leave it, then just say I'm bad, peace out mother-fuckers.
getting psychiatric medication on the dark web is too risky so I'll just deal with having these problems for now. it's not worth it to me. if i want a small amount of lithium and a low amount of a dopamine blocker until i calm down, it won't matter if i seek help from the mental health industry: they will just demand i take huge amounts of pills. the last psychiatrist i had was really nice, but i just am really traumatized now from prior mean clinicians.
I'm traumatized from when i was dealing with some really mean doctors and clinicians before, and it was so mean and traumatic that I just want nothing to do with any of it. I am actually suicidal, any interaction with the mental health industry will result in my being locked up if I'm truthful about how suicidal I am, and I hate lying. I'd rather be psychotic than lie and hope I don't get locked up, it's just better to avoid all those parasitic vipers.
I need 10 euros of lithium carbonate and a generic 10 dollar dopamine blocker, not some 30,000 euro forced stay in a treatment facility being monitored by religious assholes having to beg to be let out while they financially bleed me dry in the name of "wellness." Fuck them all, never again. There's no way to get a low dose of medication without interacting with those assholes, so it's this way for now. There are illegal pharmacies but those are risky too and if it gets seized it will get me involved with a legal situation somehow and draw me back into the asshole medical industry. I doubt there's a way to pay for lithium and generic dopamine blockers without incurring legal risk, and interacting with police and clinicians is how you get forced back into dealing with assholes since they need to actually see you and interact with you in order to determine you need to be locked up. It's better and safer to just be alone. I am angry at feel victimized by the mental health industry. Who do I see to get help with that who isn't a part of that apparatus? There isn't anyone.
I keep thinking about an easy method. I am so scared of being locked up that I think about doing it quickly, but it's not what I want. If I feel like there's too much of a likelihood of interacting with clinician I'll just end things immediately. I am also pretty sure the ghosts in this building want me to die, or perhaps just leave. I feel like they don't like me and it's awful and strange but it actually hurts my feelings. I feel like they have slowly gotten to know me better over time. It's also entirely possible I think this due to being psychotic. It's hard to know such things. Everything is making me stressed and sad. I wish I were less poor or that the rules would allow me to get medical care without risk of forced and/or locked treatment. Oh well. For now I'll just deal with my dopamine upregulated brain. I have to leave this building or die here, but part of me wants to stay, and the evil malevolent force that drew me to this building wants me to stay, or it feels like it.
