gingerplum
Enlightened
- Nov 5, 2018
- 1,450
Plot twist: it's not just about being nice.
Hey guys.
I'm not currently in recovery, but this seems more appropriate for the recovery forums. Despite my baseline cynicism and eye-rolling ennui, I genuinely do like helping others.
So, just in the last couple of days I've been back on the boards, a number of people have said some awfully lovely things to me, and shared some really kind thoughts. Of course this makes me feel good, but just as importantly, I hope it makes them feel good, too.
I decided to write a little essay to say that I don't think it's possible to underestimate the positive impact your thoughtful words can have on someone else... and sometimes, even when I'm pretty fucking low, it lifts me up as well. I'll give you an example with a story.
One day a few years ago, I was shopping at K-mart, leaning against my cart thinking, "This place makes me want to kill myself." K-mart, people, amirite? So anyway, I'm shuffling along and a middle-aged woman with five (one, two, three, four, FIVE) children, all under the age of eight, caught my attention. Some of the kids were acting up, and my first thought was, uh-oh, somebody's gonna get it.
I have to stop here and preface this with both an apology and an explanation: here in the south, there are still parents who unapologetically spank. It's both cultural and socioeconomic; among black families it's still by and large the norm. Please forgive me if I seem racist or like I'm stereotyping... this isn't just my flippant observation, it's kind of well known & accepted here. I don't like it, it's not my style, but it is what it is. Welcome to North Florida, y'all. Fall in line or get your asses whooped.
I really hate that I pre-judged her, but honestly I was waiting for this middle-aged black woman to lose her shit and whomp somebody on the butt or the back of the head or whatever extremity was most convenient. Hard to blame her; when my kids were toddlers, I flatly refused to take more than one of them shopping at a time. I know my limitations, and one kid in meltdown or being willful and another in tow is more than I can handle. Somebody hold my extra kid, this gal is tapping the fuck o-u-t.
So, here I am, thinking this poor woman is just trying to buy diapers-- in two sizes, for fuck's sake-- and she's gotta be at least DEFCON Level 3. Now several of the kids are giving her a hard time, and I'm both fascinated and uneasy, waiting to see how this plays out.
Now here's what really throws me: not only did this woman not lose her shit, she never even raised her voice. She gently corrected them; she redirected, and finally, she reminded them what consequences there would be at home if the behaviour continued: time out, no storytime, etc. She was amazing. The child whisperer and SuperNanny rolled into one. Some of the best and most effective child-wrangling I have ever seen, bar none. The kids listened and fell into place. I was in awe.
I ended up behind her in the check out line, and I gently touched her shoulder. "I have to tell you," I said, smiling, "I was watching you with your kids and you're just wonderful with them". "I can't believe how patient you are... it was just a pleasure to see how you interact," I told her.
Well. Her face crumpled, and she actually wiped away tears. "They're not my kids," she said, and explained to me that they were all foster kids, wards of the state under her care. "I love them, I love taking care of them, " she said, "But sometimes I just don't feel like I'm doing well enough by them." I was incredibly moved, and I reassured her, mom to mom, that she really was doing a truly phenomenal job. It was a really nice shared little moment for us both.
Long story short: this woman, a complete stranger to me, was struggling with her own self-doubt and she really needed a kind word. I was in the right place at the right time, and to this day I remember how it felt to see the relief washing over her, how her expression changed to one of gratitude. Felt pretty great.
So. Maybe you're so low you're not even bathing, much less interacting with others. That's ok, we all get that. Not everyone is ready, and that's a-ok. But I want to encourage, maybe even challenge everybody who can, to say something nice to a stranger. Tell them they have a gorgeous smile, or a great haircut, or that they look beautifully put together and chic. Tell someone on the phone what a lovely voice they have. Maybe pay for the person behind you at the McDonald's drive thru... I swear, you won't believe how fun it is and how good it feels.
I'm not in recovery, right now; I don't even know if I'll be able to get there, but I was once and I'd like to be again. I remembered how lifting others up lifted me up, too, and I wanted to share. Sappy? Sure, you bet. But if it works just a little for a heart as cynical and as black as mine, it might work for you as well. Really helps perspective to step outside of yourself and remember we are all basically the same in our need to be validated... and it's such an easy way to elevate your mood.
Say something nice, maybe share a time a stranger was unexpectedly nice to you. I promise you'll get some endorphins, and maybe even some unexpected karma ;).
Hey guys.
I'm not currently in recovery, but this seems more appropriate for the recovery forums. Despite my baseline cynicism and eye-rolling ennui, I genuinely do like helping others.
So, just in the last couple of days I've been back on the boards, a number of people have said some awfully lovely things to me, and shared some really kind thoughts. Of course this makes me feel good, but just as importantly, I hope it makes them feel good, too.
I decided to write a little essay to say that I don't think it's possible to underestimate the positive impact your thoughtful words can have on someone else... and sometimes, even when I'm pretty fucking low, it lifts me up as well. I'll give you an example with a story.
One day a few years ago, I was shopping at K-mart, leaning against my cart thinking, "This place makes me want to kill myself." K-mart, people, amirite? So anyway, I'm shuffling along and a middle-aged woman with five (one, two, three, four, FIVE) children, all under the age of eight, caught my attention. Some of the kids were acting up, and my first thought was, uh-oh, somebody's gonna get it.
I have to stop here and preface this with both an apology and an explanation: here in the south, there are still parents who unapologetically spank. It's both cultural and socioeconomic; among black families it's still by and large the norm. Please forgive me if I seem racist or like I'm stereotyping... this isn't just my flippant observation, it's kind of well known & accepted here. I don't like it, it's not my style, but it is what it is. Welcome to North Florida, y'all. Fall in line or get your asses whooped.
I really hate that I pre-judged her, but honestly I was waiting for this middle-aged black woman to lose her shit and whomp somebody on the butt or the back of the head or whatever extremity was most convenient. Hard to blame her; when my kids were toddlers, I flatly refused to take more than one of them shopping at a time. I know my limitations, and one kid in meltdown or being willful and another in tow is more than I can handle. Somebody hold my extra kid, this gal is tapping the fuck o-u-t.
So, here I am, thinking this poor woman is just trying to buy diapers-- in two sizes, for fuck's sake-- and she's gotta be at least DEFCON Level 3. Now several of the kids are giving her a hard time, and I'm both fascinated and uneasy, waiting to see how this plays out.
Now here's what really throws me: not only did this woman not lose her shit, she never even raised her voice. She gently corrected them; she redirected, and finally, she reminded them what consequences there would be at home if the behaviour continued: time out, no storytime, etc. She was amazing. The child whisperer and SuperNanny rolled into one. Some of the best and most effective child-wrangling I have ever seen, bar none. The kids listened and fell into place. I was in awe.
I ended up behind her in the check out line, and I gently touched her shoulder. "I have to tell you," I said, smiling, "I was watching you with your kids and you're just wonderful with them". "I can't believe how patient you are... it was just a pleasure to see how you interact," I told her.
Well. Her face crumpled, and she actually wiped away tears. "They're not my kids," she said, and explained to me that they were all foster kids, wards of the state under her care. "I love them, I love taking care of them, " she said, "But sometimes I just don't feel like I'm doing well enough by them." I was incredibly moved, and I reassured her, mom to mom, that she really was doing a truly phenomenal job. It was a really nice shared little moment for us both.
Long story short: this woman, a complete stranger to me, was struggling with her own self-doubt and she really needed a kind word. I was in the right place at the right time, and to this day I remember how it felt to see the relief washing over her, how her expression changed to one of gratitude. Felt pretty great.
So. Maybe you're so low you're not even bathing, much less interacting with others. That's ok, we all get that. Not everyone is ready, and that's a-ok. But I want to encourage, maybe even challenge everybody who can, to say something nice to a stranger. Tell them they have a gorgeous smile, or a great haircut, or that they look beautifully put together and chic. Tell someone on the phone what a lovely voice they have. Maybe pay for the person behind you at the McDonald's drive thru... I swear, you won't believe how fun it is and how good it feels.
I'm not in recovery, right now; I don't even know if I'll be able to get there, but I was once and I'd like to be again. I remembered how lifting others up lifted me up, too, and I wanted to share. Sappy? Sure, you bet. But if it works just a little for a heart as cynical and as black as mine, it might work for you as well. Really helps perspective to step outside of yourself and remember we are all basically the same in our need to be validated... and it's such an easy way to elevate your mood.
Say something nice, maybe share a time a stranger was unexpectedly nice to you. I promise you'll get some endorphins, and maybe even some unexpected karma ;).
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