Venting Saying "im gonna kill myself" doesnt work anymore

[dogbreath]

So uhh after my family members caught me with sn they forced me to go to a hospital (alternative was them calling the police LOL that I was not gonna let that happen) take this as a lesson; even if ur an adult, if u still live with family, never order suspicious packages u never know when a family members is gonna open them.

Anyway, was sent to the hospital, kept feeling like all I was meant to do was die, until they prescribed me cymbalta. I can tell it works cause with previous antidepressants, I would be fine but when my period would hit boom all the suicidal thoughts would come back. Period would arrive and I was basically fine with cymbalta. I still support the whole right to die thing but I guess right now it's just not my time to die yet.

Problem is, I used to use "I'm gonna kill myself" as a way to cope with stressful situations. Saying it made all the problems not matter anymore cause lol gonna be dead. It doesn't work anymore now. Everytime I try to say "I'm gonna kill myself" it doesn't mean anything because I don't want to.

I don't know how how to cope with stressful situations now. One of the reasons why I wanted to kill myself is because of loneliness. I know antidepressants can't and won't fix everything and that's fine I understand that. It's just stressful because how do I cope now? In my college classes no one wants to partner up with me. I'm always picked last/never picked. It feels like people can see how evil I am. It feels like people are avoiding me because I'm releasing something horrid in the air, because they know something about me that I don't even know. I'm crying and it hurts and I don't know how to cope with it because I don't want to die!!! But I don't know how to live with this!!!! I guess right now I'm trapped in a corner and don't know where to go.

Anyone reading this, does this message give off evil vibes, is my account giving off evil vibes?

 

[Aloneandinpain]

No evil vibes at all, just slightly weird/unstable ones, but that's pretty normal.

A lot of people are asshokes who won't pick nice people and others judge people on appearance and shun those below average. Finally, if you're giving off a vibe of being desperate/insecure they might notice that too.

 

[Esau_Herself]

Noticed your Pepper PFP (Nice!) and was struck by how familiar that feeling of miasma being described was. God knows that this isn't a very permanent fix considering that i've essentially basically circled back around to "suicidal ideation as stress relief" BUT as someone who was in a similar place just a few years ago these are some things that have stuck out to me in retrospect.

No.1 thing has been finding work that engages with mental health and suicidality. The worst thing about being semi-suicidal is the estrangement it puts between "you" in the now and the "you" that's just experienced the worst shit possible, and there is something deeply cathartic about finding music/books/articles/comics/etc from someone else that gets it. There is a more instant relief, i think, with these kinds of avenues that isn't there with more clinical "professional" methods of mental health services. I can share some personal recommendations, either here or in PM, up to you.

No.2 Is getting used to the idea of doing things just for yourself. Reading comics at the library, doll-collecting, watching weirdo "indie" movies at the movie theater, trying out a local restaurant, taking shitty pictures of parking lots and trees, working on playlists while taking long bus rides….These are the things that i think grounded me during that deeply lonely time. This one is kinda hard depending on your neighborhood and if you are in a financially insecure position or not, but it's not impossible. The idea is to take pleasure in the smallest things, and to be selfish with it.

This last one is something that i wish i took to heart, but it's to stop viewing my college peers as my only source of serious community and friendship. I wish i took advantage of things like karaoke nights and local concerts more, commit to occasional volunteer work, yoga at the park etc… Dumb free local events and social gatherings. Those kinds of experiences are going to be hit-or-miss, god knows i've decided to go out to some program just to feel like a maladroit freak afterwards, but it's a good way to escape the cliquey high school feeling that college gives sometimes.

 

[Sadgirl121]

As someone who was always chosen last at school myself, I can totally understand the loneliness, it didn't really get better until I got out of school, and now I have a healthy relationship, and possibly one other healthy relationship (I am poly and currently with one person, and talking to another). But if there's one word of advice.. don't give up, you can do it, I don't know you're entire life, but I have to believe if it worked for me it can work for you

 

[dogbreath]

No evil vibes at all, just slightly weird/unstable ones, but that's pretty normal.

A lot of people are asshokes who won't pick nice people and others judge people on appearance and shun those below average. Finally, if you're giving off a vibe of being desperate/insecure they might notice that too.

OOHH NOO I def give off a desperate + insecure vibe,,,do I have to like....pretend to be confident? How do I stop those vibes???

Noticed your Pepper PFP (Nice!) and was struck by how familiar that feeling of miasma being described was.

No.1 thing has been finding work that engages with mental health and suicidality. I can share some personal recommendations, either here or in PM, up to you.

No.2 Is getting used to the idea of doing things just for yourself. Reading comics at the library, doll-collecting, watching weirdo "indie" movies at the movie theater, trying out a local restaurant, taking shitty pictures of parking lots and trees, working on playlists while taking long bus rides….These are the things that i think grounded me during that deeply lonely time.

This last one is something that i wish i took to heart, but it's to stop viewing my college peers as my only source of serious community and friendship. I wish i took advantage of things like karaoke nights and local concerts more, commit to occasional volunteer work, yoga at the park etc…

Pinky and pepper forever!!
Aaah I appreciate ur wise words ;u;
And yes I'd like some recommendations!! Feel free to pm me.

And yeah I'm trying to learn to do things for myself,,I have a low self esteem and feel like I don't deserve anything good and deserve to be alone and I'm trying to change that way of thinking by being ok with being alone. With having fun with being alone.

I guess it only gets hard when I have to interact with someone cause it'll affect my grades ;_; lot of my assignments require partners, horrible!

And yeah that's a good idea, should look around for events to go to, I've been avoiding some of them LOL but I'm gonna try and force myself to go,,,college really does feel cliquey for some reason,,

Again, thank you so much for ur advice :]

 

[uniqueusername4]

So uhh after my family members caught me with sn they forced me to go to a hospital (alternative was them calling the police LOL that I was not gonna let that happen) take this as a lesson; even if ur an adult, if u still live with family, never order suspicious packages u never know when a family members is gonna open them.

Anyway, was sent to the hospital, kept feeling like all I was meant to do was die, until they prescribed me cymbalta. I can tell it works cause with previous antidepressants, I would be fine but when my period would hit boom all the suicidal thoughts would come back. Period would arrive and I was basically fine with cymbalta. I still support the whole right to die thing but I guess right now it's just not my time to die yet.

Problem is, I used to use "I'm gonna kill myself" as a way to cope with stressful situations. Saying it made all the problems not matter anymore cause lol gonna be dead. It doesn't work anymore now. Everytime I try to say "I'm gonna kill myself" it doesn't mean anything because I don't want to.

I don't know how how to cope with stressful situations now. One of the reasons why I wanted to kill myself is because of loneliness. I know antidepressants can't and won't fix everything and that's fine I understand that. It's just stressful because how do I cope now? In my college classes no one wants to partner up with me. I'm always picked last/never picked. It feels like people can see how evil I am. It feels like people are avoiding me because I'm releasing something horrid in the air, because they know something about me that I don't even know. I'm crying and it hurts and I don't know how to cope with it because I don't want to die!!! But I don't know how to live with this!!!! I guess right now I'm trapped in a corner and don't know where to go.

Anyone reading this, does this message give off evil vibes, is my account giving off evil vibes?

No evil vibes at all.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

It feels like people are avoiding me because I'm releasing something horrid in the air, because they know something about me that I don't even know

This is SUCH a familiar feeling, I totally understand you. The way I used to put it was that I had a form of 'corruption' in me, something wretched and impure that infected my very core and made it so that people had to stay away from me to avoid getting infected as well.

No evil vibes from your post btw

 

[Draconian Alone]

Hurt your family in a way they'll never recover from. Then off yourself while they're freaking out. That'll show them.

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

Anyone reading this, does this message give off evil vibes, is my account giving off evil vibes?

Not in the slightest. A truly evil person wouldn't care if they're evil or not.

 

[RoadToGehenna]

Hurt your family in a way they'll never recover from. Then off yourself while they're freaking out. That'll show them.

lol

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Hi OP! I totally understand the feeling of "if I don't want to CTB anymore, what should I do? Which other choice do I have? What can I think about instead?", I've been through this, so I have a few tips.

Things that helped me: fill my free time with podcasts and videos and try to focus on that to not overthink and go on a spiral, write down my feelings, vent to myself (out loud or in writing), and one that my therapist told me: make a list of other things to think about, it can be random things for the daily life or things you could think instead of the old thoughts of CTBing. When our mind is clear we can rationally think and plan for moments we're not feeling well, and having strategies to deal with those moments is very important.

I understand how thinking of CTB was a solution to our problems and how used we got to go right to that thought when something wasn't good, but in the same way you could start thinking like that and using it in your daily life, you can train your brain to think about different things. It's not easy and it takes time, but if you really want to and it's willing to work on that, it will work out. Another thing my therapist suggested that helped: affirmations. It sounds silly but it helps, start it and try to keep doing it for two weeks, you'll create different path ways to your thought process, will start to think about different things instead of the bad thoughts you had about yourself and your life, not think about CTBing like you were used to and view the reality with a more positive perspective, just because you trained your brain to do so. It's like exercising your brain and teaching it new thoughts.

About feeling lonely, I really feel you, especially in college. It hurts to be left out and be the only one alone. But hey, maybe you just didn't find the right friends for you, so I encourage you to go out and try different activities, you may make very good friends. And I wish you luck and strength in this journey. Feeling lonely is terrible, but if you ever want someone to talk to, feel free to pm me, it'll be a pleasure to become your friend.

The process of changing thoughts can be hard (and weird, like, what should I think if I can't have the thoughts I had for years?), but with time and effort you'll see great changes.

Wishing you the best of luck, you got this!!