Scared and Living Alone

[Not a Cylon]

So I've been living alone for maybe six years now? For awhile it was fun, I had autonomy and didn't have to coordinate anything with a roommate. I've struck out a lot in love and took five years off of dating (two of them during covid) and as I've mentioned in other threads, a medical condition has kinda destroyed my ability to have sex since the end of last year. I experienced temporary success in dating and forgot how lovely it is to fall asleep and wake up with someone. Having someone to talk to, just sit with and watch tv. Someone to tag along and go do things with. None of them worked out and since my surgery everything has been fucked I'm downstairs so I'm back to isolation and not dating.

All my friends are coupled up. Most of them have kids. I'm trying to not cry at the bagel shop I'm sitting in because I see families sitting together. My only interaction was with the clerk when placed my order. I can go days without having a real conversation with people. This so… not idea. I'm not stimulated, I'm not engaged, and my brain is feeling like it atrophied. I've read studies that loneliness and isolation is bad for people's cognitive function. So, what do I have to look forward to? Another 30-40 years of rotting? Not feeling loved? Not being cuddled or supported (and not having someone to root for, to show love to).

I'm so tired and sad. I break down crying multiple times a day thinking of the life I've lived, the ex girlfriends, I mourn my dead grandparents, mourn the death of my mother who didn't even want me.

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in as my friends kids grow up and the march of time hits me two fold.

I want to get better, I'm scared. Ultimately, at some point it's gonna become untenable and I'll have to find the courage to do… something to take myself out. But that's not now, I'm not ready.

Im so pathetic I'm reaching out to strangers for support because I'm alone in a crowded room with no one to talk to.

I ruined my life and I don't know how to find the path back. Or if I even can.

 

[newjourney]

Let's talk, dm me if you like

 

[Raven2]

The world can be a lonely place, sometimes I get lonely too. One of the reasons why I dont live alone, I think I would find it too isolating.

have you ever considered dating someone who is asexual? Some asexuals dont feel the to need/want to have sex. I know of one couple, the guy has erectile dysfunction and the women is an asexual and is averse to sex and they make it work as a relationship, it's still romantic kissing and hugging etc.
May not be for you but thought I'd throw in a suggestion.

Oh and your not pathetic to reach out on here

 

[popcornheart]

While I can never know exactly how you feel, I will say that I highly relate to your post. It doesn't feel good knowing the only person I've spoken to in weeks was a fleeting moment at a drive-thru window.

My grandparents were the last people I had in this life. I miss them immensely and mourn them often.

I definitely agree with the above comment, you're not pathetic for reaching out here. I've seen the same studies that talk about the negative impacts of isolation and it isn't too difficult for me to understand why. I'd like to think I can hopefully make some connections here myself.

I've been considering finding some place to volunteer once I can get my transportation in order again. Sometimes I also consider going to a DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) meeting, but I feel so distant from everyone and everything I'm not sure if it would help. Maybe there's something like that in your area? Perhaps a regular meeting time would bring some semblance of comfort to your life?

I understand the feeling of thinking you've "ruined [your] life". Do you want to expand more on that? If not, no worries, just want you to know I'm here to chat - - about anything on your mind.

 

[Not a Cylon]

Let's talk, dm me if you like

Thank you, I'd like that.

The world can be a lonely place, sometimes I get lonely too. One of the reasons why I dont live alone, I think I would find it too isolating.

have you ever considered dating someone who is asexual? Some asexuals dont feel the to need/want to have sex. I know of one couple, the guy has erectile dysfunction and the women is an asexual and is averse to sex and they make it work as a relationship, it's still romantic kissing and hugging etc.
May not be for you but thought I'd throw in a suggestion.

Oh and your not pathetic to reach out on here

What your living situation like? I have an opportunity to rent from a friend for a year, share his house, but since it's only for a year I'd need to make it as part of larger plan. I essentially want to move up from my condo to a SFH but the prices are bonkers.

I'll likely consider dating someone who identifies as ACE if this condition is indeed my new normal. I'm still grieving it because well, it worked well enough last year until I had yet another surgery down there.

While I can never know exactly how you feel, I will say that I highly relate to your post. It doesn't feel good knowing the only person I've spoken to in weeks was a fleeting moment at a drive-thru window.

My grandparents were the last people I had in this life. I miss them immensely and mourn them often.

I definitely agree with the above comment, you're not pathetic for reaching out here. I've seen the same studies that talk about the negative impacts of isolation and it isn't too difficult for me to understand why. I'd like to think I can hopefully make some connections here myself.

I've been considering finding some place to volunteer once I can get my transportation in order again. Sometimes I also consider going to a DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) meeting, but I feel so distant from everyone and everything I'm not sure if it would help. Maybe there's something like that in your area? Perhaps a regular meeting time would bring some semblance of comfort to your life?

I understand the feeling of thinking you've "ruined [your] life". Do you want to expand more on that? If not, no worries, just want you to know I'm here to chat - - about anything on your mind.

The loss of our loved ones is so hard and the fleeting superficial interactions with others just doesn't scratch the itch. I've thought about donating my time or support groups as well, anything to break the cycle of monotony right? I hope your transportation issues get resolved so you can get some independence back.

I mostly feel I've mad the wrong choices, picked the wrong major, ruined relationships, picked the wrong place to live, slept walked through most of my life… I'm not very smart and I should've taken better care of myself but I always poo pooed exercise because I'm not an athlete and worked two jobs often because I was always scared of the financial cliff. I have nothing to show for four decades of living and I'm so ashamed.

 

[Kasumi]

at this point I'm wondering if youre actually looking for a partner or just a good friend,.. all the things you described you could do with a friend as well.
If it's hard to get a partner cause you wouldn't be able to take part in sex life, maybe realising that it doesn't need to be dating in particular that you need would help?

 

[Not a Cylon]

I'd love that… but my friends all have their lives and families to attend to. I'm just a burden and while I have one friend who would let me rent and hang with him for a year he's pretty clear it has a firm end date, which is fair, but I live in a HCOL area and need to stay here precisely because we have good hospitals and doctors. I'm still debating it taking him up on his offer or not, he isn't very cuddly though